Need not biased advice please!

ahkh0910

So recently I found out that my husband has been chatting with different girls online and even started texting one of them. He hid it from me for two weeks and he would stay up all night texting this girl but sleep whenever we had time together. And this isn't the first time he's done this, he did it a year ago when he was deployed. He didn't physically cheat, but I still consider it chesting. I'm heart broken and I'm so conflicted. I'm 15 weeks pregnant with our first. If I wasn't pregnant, I would have left him in a heart beat. But I came from a divorced family and it sucked. I don't want to put our baby through that but I also don't want to keep putting our baby through this. He promised to get help and go to a therapist and church every week. My whole family wants me to leave him but it isn't that simple... I just don't know what to do.

stephaniesee

Do you think you'll be able to trust him again? Or do you see a lifetime of checking up or arguments where it is constantly being brought up? Maybe counseling together would be helpful along with him seeing a therapist. If there isn't trust it could just be toxic all around.

icajesica82

So sorry to hear this.  Did he confess to you or did you discover.  My parents actually had problems with this when my mom was pregnant with my little sister. Actions speak louder than words.  It took a long time for my mom to trust him but when he started to prove he was serious (they separated for a year) he started earning her trust again.  She also told him that if he did anything again she would be gone in a second.  It can't just be a threat, you have to follow through with it if it comes to that.  She was willing.  

He needs to SHOW you that he is serious.  Hopefully you two can work this out.  My parents now have the strongest relationship I've ever seen .  Counsling for you would be a good thing too.

Hconner3

As a marriage therapist, it is really really difficult for couples to overcome adultery! Both sides need to be on board with healing! Rebuilding trust takes work, and lots of time. I highly suggest marriage counseling! Y'all need to work on this together In order for the relationship to heal. Sending lots of postive thoughts! I hope you make the best choice for you, and your baby!

FreddyisReady

I'm sure you will get some great advice from these ladies about therapy, transparancy, and hard choices.

What you may want to consider is something untraditional. Having an open relationship, or giving him a 'free pass' once per year. I believe that some people are not able to be managamous. I don't think his behavior will change.

I am so sorry you have to go through this while pregnant.

stark01938209

That sucks. My parents probably should have divorced. That being said - if you're going to leave him- the child will be a lot less traumatized if it's all they know. I know too many people that held on until there kids were adolescents. I think that's much more damaging. Do what's right for you- but don't get caught up in what you think a family should look like.... To quote... All you need is love (cheesy but true). Hope everything works out for the best.

lupineaura

I am so sorry you are going through this. I am biased towards therapy, but I suggest:

1) Therapy for yourself to get some support through this difficult time

2) Couples counseling

Good luck; my thoughts are with you.

rivers714

A happy parent is way more important then a kid growing up im a married household!

kaynix21

I am so so sorry you are going through this.

I am a military wife also, and if my husband had been pulling crap like that while deployed, I would have wanted to leave right then. But for him to do it again, ESPECIALLY while he has a pregnant wife at home...I'd be walking out the door.

It might be better for your child to have you separate now instead of much later. 

You mentioned your family wants you to leave. Will you have their support and help when/if you do? 

Jillibean68

shmeell25 said:

If he's done it before, he'll likely do it again. I can't imagine having to make that decision right now, but I think you have to put yourself (and this baby) first. I think you know what you need to do, but that doesn't make it any easier.

I'm really sorry he's putting you through this.

This. Maybe couples counseling will help? It's done wonders for me and DH (though we've never dealt with a possible cheating issue). Counseling can really open up the conversation for you guys, there might be deeper issues he's not aware of on the surface.
Whatever you decide, good luck!

Brittanyg713

First of all, I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I have never been in this situation, but personally I would leave since I have zero tolerance for cheating. Unfortunately, most people don't change unless there is a consequence. If you husband thinks he can get away with it again (this is the second time, right?) it will probably continue.

I had a friend in this exact same situation. She stayed with him for awhile, but the constant arguing was affecting her health and her baby girl. She ultimately left and she said it was the best decision she has ever made. I know everyone's situation is different and it is an extremely difficult decision, but you will make the right one. Only you know what's best for you and your family. Stay strong mama!

Ballet80

If this is not the first time he has done this then it won't be his last. I consider this adultery whether he was physical with her or not, because he is emotionally cheating. I don't know if you should stay with him, I cannot imagine dealing with this while pregnant, he is so selfish for putting you through this again. He needs to seek counseling because he has serious fedility issues. How supportive is your family? Will they be there for you and help you raise your baby? Do you want to continue to stay married to him? If he gets away with this again then he will continue and then you will go through this whole process later with a child who actually knows him, which will make it so much harder. I don't know what to tell you to do. But I will tell you what I would do-I would leave. Pregnant or not, you deserve enough respect from your spouse for him to be honest with you and to not carry on with other women. I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

beezybaby

This is so tough!  I had a similar situation with DH at the beginning of our marriage.  It rocked my world.  I has taken so long to come back from that time, and honestly, doubt peeks through every once in a while.  But we did something drastic and changed our situation. We changed jobs, moved out of the country, and cut ties with all but the most positive influences of friends.  I won't say we did these things BECAUSE of the cheating, but we were thinking of doing it any way and when the cheating came out we knew it was what we had to do.  And, he grew up in every way.  I stopped being the little boy to his parents, little brother to his sisters, subversive husband to me, stepped up at work, built positive friendships, and altogether grew from a boy to a man.  It was that total transformation that allowed me to trust and respect him again.  That, and the fact that he never once got peavy with me when I would express doubt, ask to see text messages or emails, or bring up that rough patch in our life.  He was, and is patient, loving, apologetic, and strong when I have a hard time with it.  Not to mention, he take real pride in his fidelity.  He talks differently about women, including me.  He doesn't join in with the guys when they are being crude or anything less than respectful of women. I am 100% confident in him now, where as before, I never gave it a thought.  I wasn't doubtful or trusting, just ignorant to the fact that it was a possibility for him to cheat.  

So this isn't advice or opinion really, just an example of a couple that CAN bounce back (stronger) from infidelity. BUT, like others have said, if you are ready to leave him, aside from the pregnancy then this probably isn't going to work.  Every little thing in the future will send you running for the door, if what is holding you back now is anything other than mutual love and respect.  IMO

Good luck.  Be strong.  Be selfish in love, meaning, don't accept anything less than the best that you can be loved. 

xxstephh

I have nothing to add here other then I'm super sorry this is happening to you ... But I grew up in a broken home with unhappy parents and it was worst then if I had grown up with split parents.
If you can't trust him anymore I would suggest leaving him. I don't think anyone should cheat In anyway . Good luck sweetie !

swinslow2

I have zero tolerance for cheating in ANY form and would not give a cheater the privilege of being part of such a beautiful part of my world like a new life! When he entered into marriage he knew what that meant and then proceded to make a child with you. Those are big boy dicisions and he needs to man up. If you have a boy what will he teach him 'to treat women how you please to your own benefit' and if you have a girl what will she learn 'let men treat you as they please no matter how it hurts'. No im sorry mychilds future is not something to play with. I mean why txt girls if nothing else is to come of it. It always leads to more. I left a cheater and married my best friend and it was the best decision i have ever made. I dont mean to be harsh but respect for yourself should come first no matter what. And i wish someone would have been more blunt with me many years ago because even tho everything happens for a reason time is something you and your baby cant get back. Good luck and i am sorry youre in this situation. Im sending prayers your way.

gsancho

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.  If he fessed up and seemed remorseful, I would first try counseling.  Were all of these old female friends or girls he just met online?  That would be a factor in my decision, too.  There could be a reason why he's acting out now and doing this, where counseling could help...although it's more likely he's just being an ass and you are better off on your own.  But counseling could help you figure that out, so you can feel better about your decision.

Soon after our BFP, I learned my DH had started messaging on Facebook some old female friends from college.  He forgot to logout of FB and I read the messages.  BUT the week we got our BFP, his father passed and most all of the conversations he was having with them was about his father.  We had also been arguing a little, because I'm not the most emotional person and he had previously said he couldn't come to me when he was grieving.  So we worked it out....but it affected my trust in him for a while.  Point of my story is there could be a reason why he's doing this...but to be honest, it sounds like your situation is more complicated.

lgsdesigner

I divorced my ex-husband for the same reasons, except eventually...his online chatting and texting girls turned into sleeping with them.

I gave him 4 chances, and tried counseling and tried to learn to trust him again, but what I learned the most was that I could NEVER trust him again. 

I decided, for my situation, it was best to leave. It was HARD, I'm not going to sugar-coat it...but I am now waaaaaaay better off with a new and awesome DH who absolutely adores me, and am the happiest I have ever been. AND...my kids are happier.

I think you should first try counseling, and if that doesn't resolve these issues, then it's time to walk away. I hate to encourage anyone to divorce, but emotional cheating is cheating too, and usually if they do it once they will do it again.

Good luck.

sailaplay

I'll be the dissenting voice here. I do believe that people who cheat can change but in order for that to happen their circumstances also have to change. Working with a counsellor to figure out why he felt he wanted to text other people while accepting that you both will likely need to change some things in your relationship might do wonders for you.
Like crying is a late hunger sign in babies I feel that cheating is a late sign of unhappiness in a marriage and there are usually things that could have been addressed before the cheating happened that would have prevented it. My SO and I see a counsellor every couple of months just as a check-in and it does wonders for our communication. (And I have been divorced as well, so I know how it goes on the other side as well!)
If you can't fix your relationship, then leave and take all the support you can. I have a shared custody relationship with my ex and it's way better than us trying to live together.

marym94

Im so sorry to hear this for you.  I would think you want to try to iron this out before your precious child is brought into the world and determine if you trust in your future with him now.  Hugs as you make a decision and go through all of this!

rels09

I believe in second chances, but not third chances. Anyone can make one bad decision, but two is a pattern. Sorry.

Sijustella

Ok so my father cheated on my mother. A lot. It is far worse to grow up watching your mother be treated in a terrible way than to grow with a single parent It also demonstrates terrible behaviour toward women and I had to struggle very hard to teach myself that the way Dad treated Mum is not what I should accept from men.. Just food for thought. Don't stay just because you're pregnant sweetheart x

saric83

I'm so sorry you're going through this, especially right now!!  I think it all comes down to you knowing yourself and what you are comfortable with.  For me, I really don't think I could ever totally trust after two times, and I would turn into a crazy person constantly trying to make sure it wasn't happening again.  

But on the other side, I absolutely understand the need to do everything within your power to try to work things out. So therapy would be a must-have step immediately for us individually and as a couple, but it would need to come with tangible timelines of something like "we'll try this for three months and check back in to see how we both feel about moving ahead."

And lastly, like some of the PPs, my parents divorced when I was an infant, so I never knew anything differently.  My dad divorced for the second time when I was nine, and that was SO difficult to deal with.  Both of my parents have been happily re-married to my amazing step-parents for 20+ years, and I'm so grateful that they didn't stay together for the sake of me.  

Good luck!! 

nightdreamer98

I'm so sorry you're going through this especially now. I didn't read all off the responses either but my thought is that parents who stay together who shouldn't have can be damaging as well. I had a friend who's parents weren't happy together and it was hard on him.

Also I think that emotional cheating can be some if the most damaging. I was emotionally cheated on in a relationship and it made our whole relationship unhealthy. That being said I'm not saying that you definitely shouldn't try therapy. I agree with the people who also suggested individual therapy.

I think you should let yourself leave him if that's what's right. Of course either way it's a terrible place to be in. I'm sorry.

cse619

I'm sorry to hear this. I have a similar situation except my husband has decided to revert back to being like a selfish child. I have my suspicion that he's cheating but no proof and no confession.He stays out late every night after work and llies about where he is. He has also started using drugs. We have a 3 year old and I am 17 weeks along this time.I completely understand the devastating hurt that you are feeling right now. if you need someone to talk to, feel free to message me.

marijaa333

IFinTN said:

Maybe it's because I am an old fart but I don't put up with toxic people in my life, I don't care if they are family, old "friends" or my partner. I stopped putting up with them around age 30 when something just clicked--Life is too short to be unhappy for any significant period of time.

Same here. No regrets.

catmentzer21

My first sons father was a marine long story short after two years when I got pregnant I found out he was talking to other women. Then when it started getting around with other wife's on base I was pregnant I got some phone calls about him cheating. I wish I would have left then but I stayed for two years and it was very hard on my son and my self. His father sees him once a month now and we are both remarried and have happy families. I don't know all of your situation but if you think counseling will work go for it. If you are just staying " so your child will have its father" ( which is what i did) if is usually a bad choice and makes things much harder for all of you and a confused baby in the end. Good luck and my t&p are with you.

Snapdragon750

I don't want to tell you what to do. But let me just add to this that a child, boy or girl, who sees their father treat their mother and marriage this way is at a disadvantage when it comes to having their own healthy relationship in the future. If you see this behavior as not changing, I think you should think about getting out for your child's sake. Certainly don't assume that it's healthier for your child to stay together.

Good luck.

CamoBride2010

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this mess! I guess my personal thought is if you would leave him if you weren't pregnant, you should probably just leave him. Staying together for the kids is rarely a good idea and rarely seems to work out long term. I had a friend who was with her ex for....well forever. They had 2 kids together and had been a couple for over 10 years through multiple episodes of him cheating. Each time she stayed "for the kids". One time when they were really little he left her with nothing ( no money, no car, no diapers....nothing) and ran off with his baby mom to try to start a new life. Now they are finally divorced and honestly those kids would have been so much better off had this mess taken place back before they would have remembered it. Now the kids are 9 and 10 and going through hell. So, I guess I would say don't base your choice on the baby right now ( as in don't stay with him just because you think it will be better for your child). You need to do what you need to do with your relationship for YOU. Good luck with whatever you decide, none of the choices you have before you are easy!