Blended Families

DS ignoring BD's calls

My DS will be 10 in January and BD has been an occasional parent at best.  His pattern is to show up with promises in the spring every other year and by the end of summer he is gone again.  Occasionally he will hang around until DS's birthday but has never called him on his birthday or Christmas.  This year he has again started to slack off and only calls about twice a month since September.  When BD calls it is often at an inconvenient time or DS is busy doing something else.  BD has started texting me to have DS call him when he is free but DS is not interested.  When I make DS call, he is very uninvolved and just says "ok" to everything or will say he has to do something to get off the phone.  I attempted to set up a calling schedule so that a set day and time was blocked for this so there are no interruptions but BD refused.  Our court order says nothing other than BD has visitation once monthly.  Should I make DS call and talk, do I stay out of it if he doesn't want to call, other third options.  Please help.
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Re: DS ignoring BD's calls

  • edited December 2014
    If your court order doesn't state anything about phone calls, I wouldn't make him call and sit on the phone with his dad when he clearly doesn't want to talk to him. Instead just continue to offer the phone calls and remind him the phone is always available for him to use to reach out to his dad. Then document every time you offer and DS declines, that you attempted to set something up for both DS and BD but BD refused and all the times BD misses birthdays and holidays. Good luck!
  • Thanks.  That's what I was leaning towards.  Would you let BD know that he is not interested as of now it just looks like I am ignoring the text.  I was thinking of just texting back to say I will have him call when he is available but does that make it look like I am standing in the way?
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  • I would go with that and no because he has school and friends, and if BD isn't making a honest and genuine effort consistently then it's your word/documentation against his accusations...DS is a ten year old that can see through all the bs with BD and BD has no to blame but himself for having no relationship with his child
  • The court order says nothing about phone calls, only visitation, correct?  Then stay out of it!

    It is not your job to be in the middle of DS and BD.  It is not your job to make DS call his dad.  BD is the ADULT here.  He can call, and if it isn't a convenient time, set up another time to talk to DS.  I would text back to BD "you can call your son on at number 111-222-1212.  He has basketball practice from 6-7:30. and his bedtime is 9:30"  I would not phone BD and then hand the phone to DS.  I would not ignore, and would not agree to make the call to BD yourself.

    Your DS is 10.  You are not keeping him from his dad.  At the same time, it is not your job to create a relationship that is not there just because BD is his "father."  Your DS needs to navigate his relationship on his own (with your help, of course, if he has questions or needs guidance).  

    I would document your attempts to make a plan for BD to call at a set time, and BD's refusal.  
    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
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  • Thanks everyone.  I will just document and text the available times for a call when BD ask if Ds can call him.  I have put a lot of effort into allowing DS to make up his mind about BD without my opinion of BD to sway him.  @Wahoo I could almost hear my mothers voice when I was reading your post.  She gave me the exact same advice. 
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    Wahoo
  • I say stay out of it. It's not your job.
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