I feel conflicted (clicky)

foxslaw

I have a small dilemma.
TLDR; my mom wants to bring a lot of food to our house for thanksgiving & my DBF isn't happy about it.

As I've told you all, my mom & sister are driving to Austin to have Thanksgiving with DBF & I. The plan is that we are going to his grandma's to eat (it'll be his ENTIRE family), and my mom was given the green light to make a dessert (which she's doing). The thing is, that this is the first year since she's become an adult that she's not hosting/cooking thanksgiving (and she's kind of obsessive about the holidays) so she wants to bring some food for our house to eat Friday/Saturday. I didn't think this would be a problem, because it's food that I'm familiar with (and would honestly kind of miss if I didn't have it at some point this weekend) and we aren't bringing it to the main family thanksgiving, but just keeping it at our house. The thing is, is that she over does everything & DbF is interpreting it as us wanting to sneak in a second thanksgiving to which his family is not invited. He also said that he doesn't like leftovers so he wouldn't eat any anyway. He's really offended & just kind of griping in general that my mom wants to bring all this food. She wants to make a turkey, cranberry relish, stuffing, & a sweet potato casserole. I feel caught in the middle & don't know whether I should tell DBF to get over himself OR if I should tell my mom that she need to back off a bit.

What do I do?!

lizzybean

My vote is for food. It sounds like he is the one making it a big deal, not your Mom! If she wanted to bring a whole bunch of stuff to his family's, I would agree she was overstepping. But all it sounds like is she wants to cook dinner for you guys while they stay with you over the weekend!!

And tell him that there is nothing better than Thanksgiving food leftovers, that is just nonsense.

cls78

I will take it! lol. More food is always good.

foxslaw

Thanks. I'm really trying to see it from his perspective, but it makes no sense to me! @lizzybean

misshart00

Who doesn't eat thanksgiving leftovers?

foxslaw

misshart00 said:

Who doesn't eat thanksgiving leftovers?

He hates leftovers in general.

ccuffari

I remember reading that you don't like traditional thanksgiving food. So I guess he can eat all he wants at his moms and you can feast on the food you're familiar with! More for him, more for you! Win-win.

DBJackson25

I can kinda see it from his view but maybe just explain the importance to
Your mom to him and maybe he will understand. If it's important to you as well to have those things and leftovers then explain that is well.

Plus leftover thanksgiving turkey is better than warm turkey

Alygohome

He's upset because your mom is trying to feed you more food? Maybe try to explain to him that she is cooking to show love/take care of you guys? I'm not sure why he would be upset but I vote there is nothing wrong with your ma making you a nice dinner and leftovers!

foxslaw

ccuffari said:

I remember reading that you don't like traditional thanksgiving food. So I guess he can eat all he wants at his moms and you can feast on the food you're familiar with! More for him, more for you! Win-win.

Yeah, I'm just nervous that he's taking it as me *deliberately* not embracing his family or his thanksgiving. It would break my heart for him to think I don't want to be a full part of his family. We are doing Christmas at my house in Houston this year.

AnotherSun

Sounds like he needs to put on his big boy panties. He is making a big deal over nothing.

misshart00

foxslaw said:

Who doesn't eat thanksgiving leftovers?

He hates leftovers in general.

Crazy man. But I agree with PP, especially @Alygohome‌

ccuffari

Yeah, I'm no help . I just am really hungry (waiting for the food to be done) and my only answer is food. Sorry

lizzybean

foxslaw said:

I remember reading that you don't like traditional thanksgiving food. So I guess he can eat all he wants at his moms and you can feast on the food you're familiar with! More for him, more for you! Win-win.

Yeah, I'm just nervous that he's taking it as me *deliberately* not embracing his family or his thanksgiving. It would break my heart for him to think I don't want to be a full part of his family. We are doing Christmas at my house in Houston this year.

I know what you mean about the "not embracing his family" thing. Early on in our relationship, my guy probably would have thought the same thing. You really need to look him in the eyes and say "my Mom wanting to cook my favourite foods in no way reflects my happiness and excitement to have Thanksgiving with your family. It is just more people wanting to show us love on the holidays." 

mishka29

Is there a point during their visit that you are going to have a meal at your house? If yes, bring the food. Just make sure to play it down so it's not a second thanksgiving that his family is not invited to.

twinklymama

foxslaw said:

Who doesn't eat thanksgiving leftovers?

He hates leftovers in general.

I generally don't eat leftover, but will gladly eat Thanksgiving leftovers! There's just something great about it, can't explain what. Maybe I just love the food and holiday so much itself that I'm willing to eat it again! You can just send what he doesn't eat here... More food is always the answer on Thanksgiving! 

cups4

They are coming and and going to his family's house today right? So it's not excluding them if they are coming and spending actual thanksgiving with his family. My perspective is that she is saving you from having to cook and it's just comfort having your mom try and take care of you. She's taking care of her baby just like you guys will do!

Omg....just realized this will be us someday and cue tears.

Good luck @foxslaw‌ !

HailsMom

I think BF needs to grow up, but for peace I might mention to mom that she shouldn't bring more than you guys would be able to eat in the few days, otherwise it will go to waste. Just as a way to ask her to dial it back with out asking her that. Am I making sense?

freegiraffe

I think your bf is being a little sensitive and there's nothing wrong with your mom bringing more food to cook at your house. But I also think @dorothygale01‌'s suggestion is a good one so it doesn't feel like a second thanksgiving.

foxslaw

Thanks guys! All amazing advice! They are both very sensitive people (Cancer vs. Scorpio) so I just didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings!

Jensoprano82

My husband and I have done two thanksgivings every year for almost ten years so that both families can have their traditions, their food, and feel the love. To want only ONE family to get the "official" thanksgiving is a little selfish, but to refuse to eat "leftovers" a day or two later when your mom seems really willing to be flexible for your sake is just plain rude.
Sorry for saying he's being rude, but honestly! Suck it up and eat a damn roll, dude! Or go pick up frickin mcdonalds and leave you guys alone, and be that guy. But he shouldn't make it your problem. Sorry for rant.

foxslaw

I guess I was just concerned that I'm being selfish (which he voiced when we were talking about it) so I wanted some outside opinions to see if my head was screwed on straight/what to do about it.

Ace226

Maybe it's because we're lacking in funds lately (err... Perpetually?) but I'd say free food??? YES!

PikoPiko

I voted for holding back the turkey. Explain to your mum that you don't want a turkey, and explain to bf that your mum likes to cook and would feel uncomfortable if she doesn't. You're all compromising and that's how a family works. He needs to realize that he can't just get butthurt over something as trivial as someone volunteering to feed you, there are many more challenges ahead and it's all about give and take to maximize the collective pool of happiness.

More food at home means more time for you to relax! Am I the only one really having issues with your bf not liking leftovers? If DH ever tells me he minds leftovers, he'd have to cook for himself!

foxslaw

DBF does 99% of the cooking in our house, otherwise we would certainly be eating leftovers pretty often. Haha. @PikoPiko‌

Jensoprano82

foxslaw said:

I guess I was just concerned that I'm being selfish (which he voiced when we were talking about it) so I wanted some outside opinions to see if my head was screwed on straight/what to do about it.

Ummmmm. No. You're not being selfish. Wow is your bf lucky.

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jaytee16

We consider ourselves lucky to have two thanksgiving dinners - one with my ILs and one with my family. I don't see your mom bringing food for you guys for another day as rude or not embracing his family (if she tried to bring it THERE that would be overstepping). I love that since I've been with H we get double the celebrations, we don't pick one family or exclude another, we celebrate with both, which sounds like what your mom wants to do. It's thanksgiving, I vote be grateful for family who want to celebrate with you and lots of good food!

MrsTucker2011

Stephanie2378 said:

I think that if you were capable of dealing with the double-decker couch for several months he should be able to accept extra food in the fridge for a few days...

A to the MEN. He's got his panties in a wad if he is upset that your houseguests are preparing you guys dinner. The only suggestion I would have - besides telling him to get over it, is maybe cook a beef roast or ham instead of turkey. Then it would be a different meal.
Tell your mom to cook me 2nd thanksgiving too!

Paleomama

Food should never be an issue.

ems0523

I vote for food. Its not like she's trying to make you eat that instead of his family's dinner. Its just one less thing to worry about for the weekend and you can just spend time with your mom and sister

ccuffari

So how'd it go?

foxslaw

How it went:

I couldn't intercept my mom in time & tell her not to bring the turkey so she brought all of the food (but much smaller portions than I was expecting). DBF was kind of sulky when she was bringing in all the food, but didn't say anything. He seemed to snap out of it & we all had a really nice thanksgiving with his family. He was in kind of a mood on the drive home (I suspect I wasn't paying enough attention to him or something) but snapped out of that too. He woke up in really good spirits today & him and my mom are getting along really well. So I *think* everything is working out (fingers crossed).

foxslaw

Thank you everyone for giving me perspective & for your wonderful advice. It was much needed & much appreciated.

twinklymama

@foxslaw glad you got things worked out!

HerHighness

Stephanie2378 said:

I think that if you were capable of dealing with the double-decker couch for several months he should be able to accept extra food in the fridge for a few days...

Rotf lmao!! This plus food is always a good thing!!