Advice - Family Matters?

jenari2013

Okay ladies, I need some help.  My hubby who I normally rely on to help me in these matters has worked the past 3 nights and we've had zero time to talk. I need to deal with this and move on.  I'll try to keep this concise as possible but include all the details. 

Short version - My dad left my mom after 30+ years of marriage about 3 years ago for a good family friend.  We've managed to have some sort of relationship during that time although due to us being on other sides of the country I only see him once maybe twice a year.  I was always close to my dad but things have definitely not been the same.  This past August he sent a text to me and my siblings informing us that he was engaged and would be getting married this coming summer.  The text combined with the fact that the timing of this wedding was a couple months before my brothers wedding who also lives across the country pissed me off.  After some back and forth, which wasn't kind on either side, I decided to cut contact and asked him not to contact me anymore.  We haven't spoken since.

Current problem.  A couple weeks ago he called my mom to ask for A's size.  I'm not surprised, she has a birthday and Christmas coming up.  During that convo my mom encouraged him to reach out to me, to which he replied no way, I was at fault and he would not be calling any time soon. Fine, I'm okay with that. Now, 3 days ago he emailed my mom with the subject line "J's size?"  That's it.  Nothing else.  It's weird that he's shopping for me considering we haven't spoken.  My mom has asked that I email him because she doesn't want to be in the middle (which I don't blame her one bit).  She obviously can't give him a normal simple answer because he doesn't know I'm pregnant. I'm really torn on what to write. I've drafted 20 emails that range from "Don't buy me anything, fuck off" to a more elaborate one asking why the heck he's planning on getting me anything considering Christmas is about family and we're sure not acting like one.  I don't want to engage however I don't think I want to be an asshole either.  

Sorry, that was a lot longer than I thought.  Thanks in advance to those who read and contribute! 

jenari2013

shmeell25 said:

I wouldn't do anything. Maybe your mom can just email him and ask that she not be put in the middle anymore, and that if he wants to know your size, he needs to ask you himself.

K, I'm embarrassed.  This didn't even occur to me as an option.  I guess my first instinct for the past few years has been to protect her and keep her out of these situations.  It's not even a big ask on her part!  

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FreddyisReady

Please don't take this wrong, we don't know each other, I'm a stranger, yada, yada.

Sounds like you are mad because he is not acting like a dad, but rather is putting his happiness first. Since you are a grown child, let him live his life the way he wants. He can be married to whoever he wants and can plan that wedding for whenever he wants. It would be nice if our parents lives revolved around us, but that doesn't always happen.

I'm sure it breaks his heart to not have you and his grand children in his life. I don't think he should have to apologize. If you aren't ready to forgive him, thats fine. But I think you should keep contact with him. Tell him you are pregnant.

Parents and grandparents aren't perfect. Sometimes the thing that makes them most happy is something that makes us mad. But they shouldn't be cut out of our lives for that. Move on, don't carry a grudge that will just push the two of you away forever. Family is family no matter what they do.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

jenari2013

@FreddyisReady, I'm not going to quote just for length.  

You're right, I am mad but not about the reasons you mentioned above.  In the past 3 years, I've made a big effort to continue the relationship.  I've even invited them to visit as a couple and invited her into my home last year which was hard but we made it work and ended up having a good visit.  I don't even think I'd be upset with the engagement to be honest with you but being told news like that from a family member via text bugged me.  The timing is a bit of a punch in the gut since there's no way I'd be able to attend and I would think he would want all his kids there (I'm the only one that lives away.)   

There's been a lot of drama over the past 3 years which I left out in an attempt at brevity.  This last blow up between the two of us was kind of the last thing I needed to take a step back.  I hate drama and try to avoid it and just felt that's what I needed at the time.  I feel like his emails now and with Christmas approaching is a push to mend things that I'm not ready for yet. 

jenari2013

blackpearl08 said:

I know you are angry and have a lot of emotions but he clearly still loves you and feels like this is the right thing to do. I would just accept it and wait until he calls or you decide to call to repair things. My dad died during a tough period of family drama which biases my opinions on matters like this so just ignore me if this is out of the question for you!

I'm so sorry for your loss.  My SIL has been through a scarily similar situation as mine and her dad passed away tragically a couple years later.  I talk to her a lot about everything since she's been exactly where I am now but worked through it and her perspective is obviously very similar to yours. I'm really not one to hold grudges and I hope one day we'll work it out.