dealing with difficult family situations

blitzy23

I'm looking for support from anyone that can understand or has been through family issues that warrants cutting a person out your life.  This is long winded, so I apologize in advance.   

My brother has always had personality issues, but it is getting worse as I get older and more independent.  He often gets in between relationships, and when I did not back him a couple years ago in an argument he had with my father, he turned on me and tried to tell my husband that I was crazy (long story, but I'll spare it). He has his own sense of reality and is very manipulative, so it's hard for everyone to sift through (plus he is great at not doing this in front of anyone).  This all happened the year of my engagement, and he ended up not attending our wedding.

I have decided to set some boundaries. I did a lot of research on what folks with mental illness go through, and wrote my brother a letter telling him that I needed to be respected and trust that I won't be yelled at or called names.  I was kind, and explained my hurt.  He has told me that I bring this on, that "men get angry", and that I have low confidence if I cannot stand up to him.  

The reason I bring this all up, is that I had to see him a few weeks ago (at a wedding) for the first time in 2 years, and we told him we were expecting.  He got angry because we didn't set aside a special time to tell him our news, and started to raise his voice and yell at me.  I walked away, and then he looked at my husband and told him to tell his wife that "she can go fuck off."  I have come to the conclusion that I no longer feel the need to have any relationship with him.  Problem is, I have to see him again at the end of this week :-S

Now that he has a niece or nephew on the way, many will push me to mend our relationship. Does anyone have life stories or experience in dealing with this?  How do you continue to keep someone mostly out of your life that is so closely knitted with your family? How do you explain to your family that you don't want to "fix" the relationship without divulging the whole life-long story and putting them through the whole manipulative-confusion game? 

If I am prepared with responses and for what could happen, my anxiety tends to go down. I sincerely appreciate any input, and thank you for reading this long-winded story!!

scubakate

Not exactly the same, but my grandfather and my parents/I have a very very strained relationship.  Long story short, he blew my wedding off at the last minute because he had an offer come in on his second house and didn't even call me, just sent an e-mail to the uncle who was going to be traveling with him.  My parents decided to cease all communication after this and MANY more events throughout my dad's life and their relationship.  I have forgiven him because this is just who is his, but have decided to keep my expectations at zero for any future relationship with him because he has disappointed me time and time again.  

My parents still live near him and have attended several family events where he is present.  They just see right through him.  They have their own history with him and didn't make this decision lightly.  Some of my dad's brothers understand 100% the tension between them since they were privy to a lot of the emotional abuse that occurred between my grandfather and my dad.  Others keep urging him to repair that relationship.  My dad just chose to politely listen when his brothers encourage him to repair the relationship and then politely states that he is not in a place where that is possible at this time.  

My suggestion to you would be to stick to your guns.  You know what's best for you, your baby, and family.  If you wish to cease communications/any relationship with your brother than stay strong girl.  If he approaches you at this event, you can be polite and say excuse me I need to go to the bathroom, get a drink, say hi to a friend, etc.  Just don't engage him and take the high road, which it seems you are.  Good luck and fingers crossed for you!!!

rivers714

I think it's all about how you handle it. If you Handle it like scubakate family with poise and grace no biggie- let him look like a lunatic when he goes off the handle at you.

Realistically unless you abstain from functions you'll see him from time to time. Will that be ok? Can you just be civil/ignore him? Or is that too much? These are questions you need to answer for yourself.

jenari2013

That's a rough situation, sorry you're having to deal with this.  Who's pushing you to mend the relationship?  Have they seen how your brother treats you and talks to you? I can't imagine pushing that relationship knowing that there's soon going to be a child involved.  It seems like you've taken every reasonable step to have a healthy and mature relationship.  Unfortunately it sounds like he's either not interested in or incapable of having one at this time. 

In terms of what to say I would keep it simple. "It's not possible for my brother and I to have a healthy relationship right now.  Maybe in time we can work it out however right now I have to do what's best for me and my family." I've cut my dad out in the past couple months and have had to say similar things to my brothers/family because I don't want to involve them in our situation.  Surprisingly they haven't pushed for more information and have respected my wishes.  Luckily for me, my dad is on the other side of the country so I don't have the added complication of seeing him frequently. 

Scubakate had good advice on how to avoid him at the family gatherings, I would do exactly what she says. Good luck OP! 

Ibliss

I am sorry you are having to deal with this especially while getting ready to welcome a child into your life.
3 of my sisters made poor decisions and were unable to stay at my parents house during their teen years. Because of their choices I chose to not have any contact. My parents still do and some of my other siblings do. Now my sister is pregnant and due a few weeks after me. My parents have hinted I should mend the relationship but in the end it's about you and your family.
Do what you need to protect yourself and your children. Imagine your brother talking to you that way in front of your children. I would stick to your guns. You don't need that in your life.

lgsdesigner

I am the oldest of five, so at one point or another, a sibling is always fighting with another sibling.
It sometimes takes months and sometimes years, but eventually, they will forgive each other and continue on as if nothing ever happened.
Maybe just don't speak to him for a while and see if things calm. He may very well surprise you and apologize.

Snapdragon750

I've cut my mother out of my life at various points.  The truth is that you have to do whatever is best for YOU and your mental health, regardless of what anyone else says.  That said, having people harassing you about mending the relationship and guilt over that can take its toll too, so in the end you have to weigh the consequences of whether it's more stressful to have him in your life and out of it.  There is obviously a middle ground, but it can be really tough to maintain boundaries with some people.

If you have made the decision to cut it off, don't discuss it with anyone encouraging you to mend it.  Know that, with few exceptions, they want you to mend it because it will make THEM feel better, or your parents feel better, or it will just "feel nicer" to them if everyone is "getting along," but they're probably not taking your feelings when everything is "mended" into account.  So if you've made the decision to remove him from your life and someone tries to convince you to smooth things over, don't discuss it.  Tell them you don't want to talk about it and change the subject.  

blitzy23

I am blown away by the support and helpful advice you all have given me.  THANK YOU!!  I am going to take all of your words to heart, and am sorry for the crap that you all are dealing with as well! Thank you so much for sharing-it's nice to hear how others deal with this all.

@jenari2013 - My dad seems to be in denial about the whole thing.  He is the one that sent me over to tell my brother about our baby, and he saw the whole thing unfold.  I could tell he was really upset, but he still can't seem to come to terms that my brother has this huge problem.  

@MiracleBByE  - If it had been anyone else, my husband would have gone off!  Thankfully we talked about this type of thing before-hand, and he was prepared for what could happen. 

I will be looking back at this feed later in the week for added support and reminders!  You are all truly the best!  >:D<

jenari2013

@blityzy23, that's so hard that it's your dad.  What if you sat down with him and tried talking to him about how your brothers actions make you feel.  Don't focus on the things he does but the impact it has on you and how unhealthy it is.  

I went through a few rough years with one of my brothers when we were younger.  He has temper control issues that my mom was in complete denial about.  We've moved away from each other and it's better for everyone involved that we only see each other maybe once a year.  I would say we have a healthy relationship now - we know each others boundaries and are able to respect them when we're together so that we can enjoy the time we spend together. 

mp03jp

OP I keep rewriting my post just because nothing is coming out right. But I feel your pain I have a sister that is very much like your brother. I do not talk to her. I've tried in the past to fix things with her and it just doesn't work. With people like that it never will that is part of their reality unfortunately. Out of her 5 kids I only really get to talk to 1 and that is because she is 17 and lives on her own.

I have come to realize my life is much better with out her in it. We have limited contact with her. The only person that has a hard time with that is my mom. TBH my mom has to get over it and if she doesn't that is her own problem. And we leave it at that.

Nita2603

I did that with my maternal grandmother. She has just never been a positive influence in my life and I just have had it. It has been ten years. 6 of those, I have lived in a different country now, so it really does not longer matter. The first 4, though, I have seen her on family affairs and just ignored her. In my world, she does no longer exist.
My mother has tried for the better part of two years to 'make me' write her a card on bdays and such, but I just could not. I don't want her in my life, and there is nobody I will let her in for.

With your brother, it sounds similar. Stick to your guns.

CoPilot2012

I totally get it.

For me, I don't say out loud to anyone "I'm cutting so and so off".

Why, they don't need to know, they don't need to make judgements on my decision, they don't need to convince me of making other attempts etc. The best way to control others involvement in my life, it to control the information I share with them, ergo...I don't say I'm not talking to my sister when she's irrational, I'm done with the relationship.

Instead, I keep it to myself and just stop making attempts I don't want to make. If I'm busy, I don't answer the call. If I feel like calling her back, it may be at a time I know she's busy at work so I can "say" I called her back. I don't have to share about DH's promotion, our new kitchen counters etc when we do have to talk. I can just ask about her or her kids and when/if she asks me something, I can say same story different day. Or pregnancy related, oh I feel wonderful...I have nothing to complain about.

Do I have stuff to talk about, sure, I just choose not to talk about it with her. And I don't have to make myself available for her 24/7.

It worked for me. It may or may not work for you. My sister wasn't mentally ill, just being a class act that I'm sick and tired of.

DH has a brother who, I think is bi polar, but hasn't been diagnosed. Once again we just don't include him in more that we have to or want to. If he cries at thanksgiving that we never invite him to hang out, we stick with out usual, "the phone works both ways" and move on. Then it's another few months before we repeat that conversation. He asks if he will get to babysit out baby, we just say we'll see! Hell to the Nooo Fucking wayyy on green earth. But we don't need to fight about it so we will continue to smile....and never ever ask or accept an offer to babysit. Not even if I'm dead, I'm not joking.

Good luck.

dukwok

I'm sorry about the family problems that you're having to deal with OP I'm in a very similar situation with my brother. I believe he has an undiagnosed mental disorder (my hunch is schizotypal personality disorder) that has made it very difficult for my family. It literally tore our family apart for awhile, and we are slowly mending after my parents finally divorced. My brother didn't attend my wedding in 2011, and I haven't seen him in over a year. 

My parents continued to coddle him and were in denial about how severe things have gotten. He has become so delusional that he can't keep a job, and will sometimes live out of his car until my parents bail him out again. There as a lot of pressure from my parents, aunts, uncles and grandma to help him because of my profession. Sadly I have told them time and again there is only so much we can do, but if he isn't willing to seek help, there really isn't anything left for us.

I'll be cordial and polite when I see him, but have had to create an emotional boundary for myself. I've been thinking about him more lately, and am sad when I recall happy memories from our childhood, but have to realize that he is in control of his own life and happiness. When he is willing to accept help, I will be there with open arms, but in the meantime, I can't have him part of my life. 

Anyway, good luck to you too, and just know whatever you do, you're doing it for the safety of your family. 

Ballet80

I cannot imagine dealing with your situation, how stressful! Your brother sounds like a very negative person for you to be around, he also sounds like he could "blow" at any time. It is one thing for him to act irate and scream at you, it is completely another for him to do that once you have a child. If he cannot learn to control himself like an adult then you really shouldn't have to be around it, if your family can't understand that then maybe they are enablers. Just yourself and your child first. My grandmother had major issues when I was extremely littler, my parents would take my brother and I over to visit her and my grandfather on the weekends. My grandmother would either be extremely mean to me or would stay locked in her room and refuse to see us because she was so doped up on pain pills. I remember her yelling at me when I was 4 and I also remember her locking me out of her bedroom.A few years ago my mother told me that my grandmother went to rehab the next day after my mother threatened to never let them see us again. The only reason she went was because my grandfather told her he would divorce her before he would have his grandchildren kept from him. I have always hated my grandmother because I knew she had a bad soul. Just remember if you choose to keep your brother in your life and he continues to act out your children will start remembering it at a young age. Let him fix himself-Not your circus, not your monkeys!!!

supersarah77

Family is so tricky and so complicated. IMO your priority is the family you're creating with your husband and kids. The happiness and wellbeing of your family. If you need to protect yourself, kids, and DH from someone who is toxic and abusive, do it. It's not necessarily forever.

MH's brother is a complete a-hole. He has treated MH like shit for as long as I've known him. He's a liar and a bully. After he got married his wife became his target and she left him. Then he moved onto me, but I didn't give him any power, so he quickly went back to bullying MH. Eventually MH set a boundary with him that he didn't honor, so MH cut him off for a while. When DD was born he reached out asking to visit in her first few days but I said I felt too vulnerable recovering from postpartum hemmorage and with a newborn, it wasn't the time to risk having an abusive a-hole in our home. Since then MH has chosen to let him back in somewhat, even though he has never apologized. I choose to limit my contact to holiday family functions and even then keep it limited and cordial. Same with my kids - I don't want them seeing him treat their dad like shit, or worse, bully them.

bjackson2688

My mother and my grandmother had an extremely strained relationship my whole life. My grandmother was terribly abusive (physically and emotionally) to my mom and she decided before she even had kids, that she wouldn't bring her kids around our grandmother. After the three of us were born, she stuck to it and I didn't even meet my Grandma until I was 5. Even now, she's never been an influential person in my life. It was one of the decisions my mom has ever made. We grew up in an extremely loving and supportive environment and my mom never had to explain the hurtful actions or words of someone that was a family member. People of course told her to try and mend the relationship, but at the end of the day this is YOUR child. You know what's best for him/her and you have absolutely nothing to apologize for.