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Parenting advice for my parents?
I am 32, and my brother is 18. He lives at home and probably still will for the first 2 years of college. He has been caught lying recently about:
- told a friend that my dad hit him and called him a "little shit" - completely fabricated
- told my parents he had to work but actually was with his GF
- told his boss that he was in a car accident one week and then my mom was in a car accident and coma the next week to get out of work - both completely false
My parents don't know why he's lying or how to get him to stop. A little background - my parents are VERY strict and sheltering and have pretty unrealistic rules and expectations. I had sex in HS but never told them because they would have been really disappointed in me, so I can understand why my brother lied about that. I do think if my parents were more open and accepting, my brother wouldn't feel the need to keep so many things from them. Also I had unprotected sex because I was too embarrassed to talk to my parents about it and didn't want to be seen buying condoms because that would be "proof" that I was sexually active. Very stupid, I know, but I think my brother might be headed down the same path.
So should I talk to my brother, talk to my parents, or just MMOB? I have another brother who could talk to him about the sex stuff. My mom has asked me for advice, and I've gently suggested that if they weren't so judgmental and controlling, maybe he'd be more honest. Also he's 18, so they're going to have to let him grow up and make his own choices / face his own consequences at some point.
Sorry for the TL; DR.
- told a friend that my dad hit him and called him a "little shit" - completely fabricated
- told my parents he had to work but actually was with his GF
- told his boss that he was in a car accident one week and then my mom was in a car accident and coma the next week to get out of work - both completely false
My parents don't know why he's lying or how to get him to stop. A little background - my parents are VERY strict and sheltering and have pretty unrealistic rules and expectations. I had sex in HS but never told them because they would have been really disappointed in me, so I can understand why my brother lied about that. I do think if my parents were more open and accepting, my brother wouldn't feel the need to keep so many things from them. Also I had unprotected sex because I was too embarrassed to talk to my parents about it and didn't want to be seen buying condoms because that would be "proof" that I was sexually active. Very stupid, I know, but I think my brother might be headed down the same path.
So should I talk to my brother, talk to my parents, or just MMOB? I have another brother who could talk to him about the sex stuff. My mom has asked me for advice, and I've gently suggested that if they weren't so judgmental and controlling, maybe he'd be more honest. Also he's 18, so they're going to have to let him grow up and make his own choices / face his own consequences at some point.
Sorry for the TL; DR.
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Re: Parenting advice for my parents?
Funny-- I have a similar situation. I am 34 and have a 20 YO half brother. The half brother has been caught in numerous lies-- the most recent and biggest being that he was enrolled in and attending a local college, when he actually was not. He kept that up for 18 months.
I knew he was lying because at the time, both my H and I were living at home, and my H WFH during that time. He knew that my half brother was home all day, and would just go out right before he knew my parents were coming home (so he could fake being out all day).
My H wound up spilling the beans to my parents about him. My parents were first mad at my half brother, and then they were mad at us (sort of like shoot the messanger), so my honest advice to you is to MYOB.
Aside from the lie about your mom being in a coma (that one would upset me very much) I don't think any of the lies are too "out there" , if that makes sense? As long as he's not hurting himself, I would probably stay out of it.
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Follow up question - should I tell my parents that I lied to them and had sex maybe to help them see that my brother is somewhat normal and that this is what happens when they are so strict and when they don't create an environment where their kids feel like we can talk to them about things, or do you think that would do more harm than good?
Yeah, don't do that.
Honestly, who didn't act like that when they were 18? I mean the coma lie was a bit extreme, but you even said you yourself lied. I would talk to your brother if you're concerned about choices he's making, but otherwise, I don't think you need to tell your parents what you did or what you talked to him about. You don't need to help your parents parent your (adult) brother.
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One detail that may or may not be relevant - my brother was adopted from birth, but he's going on Sunday to meet his birth mother for the first time. So I don't know if his feelings about all that and also just the frustration of "I'm 18 now, so get out of my business" (that I'm sure every teenager feels) are affecting his behavior.
I'll see if I can talk to him this week. Thanks again.