Family baggage... probably tl; dr

This is a s/o from my earlier post in the fffc thread, so I apologize for repeating myself.

Our need for a sitter tomorrow, and DH suggesting we have MIL come babysit (along with GMIL, SIL, BIL, niece and nephew who are traveling with her and SFIL) sparked a conversation between DH and I that doesnt usually ever turn out well.

While I get along with MIL, and enjoy her company when she's sober, she's a bit of a party animal and uses any occasion as an excuse to have a boozefest. Most of DHs family is like this. We dont see them much bc she's always busy with her own social life, usually involving going out drinking with her friends or other family members. So she doesnt make much of an effort to come visit unless she's already planning to be in town (which is the case this weekend), and its convenient for her.

DH is fully aware of how I feel surrounding his mother's drinking, and I've confided in him several times, telling him I dont feel that comfortable with MIL babysitting, mostly bc DS never sees her, and also bc the only times we do see her, she's always drinking, sometimes becoming obnoxious, so it makes it hard for me to warm up to the idea of her watching our son, even though DH has told me his mom would never go against our wishes, and she knows better than to ever drink while babysitting our kid. She's babysat my niece and nephew without issue before, and she babysat DS once when he was a baby and it went fine, so I know this is partly just irrational fear talking. Whenever I mention that I'm not super comfortable with MIL babysitting, he snaps into defense mode and says "well thats not fair. Then your mom isnt allowed to babysit either". Which just pisses me off, bc my mom is only one that babysits him at this point. Mostly bc she makes herself available and makes the most effort to see him regularly.

Logically, I know it'd probably be fine (its not like MIL drinks alone...its more so that she doesnt know her limit when drinking socially), but its just hard for me to get past her behavior. This has always been a source of tension between DH and I, even though he sees firsthand how she acts and will be the first one to say she acts like an ass when she drinks and that his family is "a bunch of alcoholics" in his own words. I think it may just be hard for him to swallow, since my parents are very involved in DS's life and will come visit/babysit at the drop of a dime, when his parents are not bc they are always busy w/ other plans.

Im so sick of this being the elephant in the room for dh and I, so to speak, and whenever I try to communicate with him calmly and honestly, he turns around and says "I think you're just trying to tell me that you hate my mom", which is so far from the truth. She's, my MIL, my family, and I love her...I just dont love her drinking habits or the lack of effort she makes to see her son and grandson. And since most of his family is just like her, its not something that ever gets talked about.

I want my kids to establish good relationships with their grandparents. I think its really important. But how do you try to make that happen with a situation like this? I hate arguing with DH over this, and I certainly dont want him thinking I hate his mom. I guess I just never feel like he validates my feelings, and trying to get him to talk about it is like trying to get blood from a stone. He just gets pissy and shuts down.
Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

Re: Family baggage... probably tl; dr

  • So her drinking problem only goes so far that she gets obnoxious and only does it while out with friends/family? Can you expand how this is a problem when she's alone with your son? Because as of now, I'm agreeing that you're being a little irrational.

    Its not a problem if she were to be here alone with our son. I guess its more so that she just overdoes it with the drinks when she's out or when we're at family gatherings (even with the kids present). So i guess its just hard for me to get past that, bc thats really only time we see her, is in that type of "party" setting. Im sure a good part of this is my problem, and I'm not sure how to get past it.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • That seems like a good option. Thanks for your input. Im definitely aware that part of this is me being irrationally afraid that she may go against our wishes and drink while watching him, which DH has already told me she'd never do. So maybe this is mostly a problem with my thought process.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Loading the player...
  • MrsT0514MrsT0514 member
    edited October 2014
    @loonylovejoy‌ yeah, I definitely think if she was around more here and there to come hang with DS, it'd make it much easier. I'm definitely not saying I "dont ever want her to watch DS" or anything crazy like that...its more just that I'd have a hard time being totally comfortable with it, like the comfort level I feel when my mom watches him.

    What makes it difficult is that the only time she ever makes the effort to see us is when she's already in town, usually with friends/other family members and it involves us going out for dinner with them, which usually involves her drinking. So its hard to view her in any other manner besides "party mode". Which means, she's not usually the first option I'd suggest or prefer when we need a sitter.

    So luckily, the prospect doesnt come up often, but any time the conversation does come up between dh and I, its usually awkward and somewhat tense. Which sucks.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    [Deleted User]
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards