Can I talk about a thing? (Legit Trigger Warning)

jesuisfatiguee

I'm going to try not to be too TMI or personal with this, but it is pretty personal.

My oldest brother is in prison for child molestation. He was definitely guilty. He was initially on probation, but it was revoked for stupid things like curfew violations. His sentence was 10 years. Well, it's been about 8 years now, and I recently found out he is going to be let out on parole, and will be staying at a halfway house in the city where I live. I am full of so many mixed/confused feelings about this, I don't know what to do or say or think. I'm just a giant question mark. 

I haven't corresponded with him or visited him in years. I think my other brother (also older than me) has, and I know my mom who I no longer communicate with has. My brother just texted me about his impending release Wednesday night, so I guess I'm still processing, even though I knew it was coming. 

I don't want to see him. I actively do not want to see him, with or without DS. I feel like I am justified, but I also feel horribly guilty. 

I embarrassingly verbal-vomited on CSG about this last night. "Hi, guy I have only known for a week. Here's some fucked up family background about me. You're welcome." Anyway, he said I should tell my non-creeper brother to keep the creeper brother away from me. For some reason, I am freaked out about making that move. My non-creeper brother is kind of an ass, and he was always really effective at berating me. But maybe I should grow a pair and do it? 

I don't know. I need to stop typing now. If you read this, you deserve a cookie, and possibly a hug. I'll hug ya.  

MrsT0514

Im so sorry JIT. Thats a lot of emotions to process. Take this with a grain of salt, as I dont have experience with this stuff, but I'd say to true your gut and dont let anyone talk you out of it. Be confident in your decision, and if thats not seeing your brother when he is released than so be it.

You need to do what's best for you and your son. It doesnt matter what your other brothers opinion on this is. I'd let him know how you feel as well as a heads up, and if he tries to berate you about it, dont feel guilty about putting him in his place.

FWIW, if it were me in this situation, I wouldn't want to be anywhere near him either. For my and my children's sake. For damn sure. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

BluepointToasted

You need to do whatever makes you comfortable without feeling guilty. You don't owe him anything. Do you think he will pursue a relationship with you? How do you think he wil react when you say "thanks, but no thanks"?

stra0111

I think you are completely valid in your feelings and trying your best to stay away from your oldest brother and keep him away from your child is completely reasonable. I think if your other family members don't get that, then they have issues of their own. I'm trying to imagine myself in your situation. It sounds like you only have contact with your younger brother? If I remember correctly, did you just start talking to him again? I think I would sit down with him and explain your reasoning and your fears and also address that nothing will change your mind and if others can't respect your wishes to keep older brother away you will have to cut them out of your life because your top priority is your child's safety. Not offending a sex preditor that happens to be your brother.

RayRay007

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's so hard to say what I would do in that situation. Why do you feel guilty about not wanting him in your life? Is it because he's your brother or because maybe you think he's rehabbed? I don't think you need to involve your other brother if he's going to be an ass to you. I'm sorry I don't have anything better to offer.

Eta: words are hard
Etaa: I asked why you felt guilty because it sounded to me like there is a tiny part of you that feels like you shouldn't cut him out. I'm just trying to get to the "why", not saying you aren't justified in cutting him out or should feel guilty.

littlestjerry

Basically ditto to everything HE said.

littlestjerry

And I'm sorry you have to worry about any of these people. I wish everyone's family made was more of a blessing than a burden. It sucks when they're not.

tattooedtragedy

I think HE has given great advice and I agree on the 'Dead to me forever' piece as well. Cutting a sibiling out of your life is a difficult thing but in this type of situation I think it is the healthiest option for both you and your DS IMO.

jesuisfatiguee

@HE he is registered, and the state he registered in has a life-long registry. IIRC, he cannot live within a few miles of a school/park/playground/daycare, and he is not allowed to be in the same room with a minor without a state-certified chaperon (sp?) in the room with him. I don't know if that was just probation stuff, or if that was also SO stuff. 

Edit unnecessary info

jesuisfatiguee

FTR, it's a no-brainer I'd never let him around DS. 

This all went down when I was a pre-teen, and my mom instilled a lot of denial and conditioning about the whole thing. It was really messy, and really confusing. I think that's where most of my guilt is coming from. I don't think I'm wrong for feeling guilty. It's just another emotion to work through. 

RondackHiker

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

You've had excellent advice in this thread, so all I can offer is massive hugs.

Lolapop29

I'm so sorry you are in this situation.  I have a very similar situation in my family, I wont go into details. It's so hard to deal with.  I have absolutely no contact with him at all, and haven't since he got out of jail.  

If you want to PM me at all you are welcome to.

sleepy33

You've gotten a lot of great advice. The only other thing that occurred to me is that if you want to communicate to your oldest brother that you don't wish to have contact, and want to try to avoid the drama of going through middle brother, you can always send oldest brother a snail mail letter with no return address, laying out exactly what you want to say.

vandelay

You've gotten some really great advice in here, so all I have to offer is hugs.  I would have no contact as well; no question.  You are doing the right thing for yourself and your son; just keep focusing on that.

olp920

Hugs @jesuisfatiguee‌ - Sent you a PM

jesuisfatiguee

Thanks for the hugs and advice and stuff, guys. Sorry unload so much of my shit here. Thanks for putting up with me :-*

angelashly

I am sorry you are dealing with this. @HilarityEnsued‌ said everything.

Jenball717

I had an abuse situation when I was 11 and it has definitely shaped my relationships with my family. I'm not close with any of my brothers, almost like I just can't really trust them. I also have a lot of problems with my mom, she didn't help me like she should have when it happened. At times I feel guilty because I feel like I "should" try to have relationships with them all but anytime I'm actually around them, it ends up damaging me emotionally.
My friends and my own little family have become my only family. It's truly better that way.

I agree with what has already been said here. Take care of your emotions. If anyone else takes issue with that, that's their problem, not yours. You need to do whatever it takes to feel completely safe and that you are doing all you can to protect your kid. If anyone ever threatens that safety, whether intentionally or by past actions, you have every right to distance yourself from them. It's worth it. And hugs to you, family stuff is so hard and affects so much. You aren't alone in this, sadly.