Babyshower after baby is born?

xMina4x

First off, I didn't find another post with this discussion so if it exists, I apologize. My mother decided to host my baby shower but wanted to know when I would want to have it. I told her around Jan/Feb seemed best to me since it's after the holidays and originally she agreed that it was good timing. Now she's going on about how we should wait to have it until a few MONTHS after the baby is born b/c then I'll get more presents. I honestly don't care about what will get me the most gifts, but I do feel as though if I were to have it that late, then there's no real point in having a baby shower. She says all I NEED when the baby is born is a car seat, yes, that's technically true but clothes, diapers, towels, a bed and such things ARE needed shortly after birth in my eyes. So I would have broke down and bought almost all of the necessities that I needed already. 

My husband agrees with my mother with there being the chance people would buy more further away from Christmas though. Another thing is there'd be at least 50 or so people all at once wanting to see/hold the baby & I'd be the ass who is telling them no since I don't want the baby getting sick. I know there's the chance the baby will get sick either way, it just seems more likely to happen with that many people all wanting to hold the baby in a short period of time. I'm not a big 'people person' and am introverted to begin with so the thought of dealing with that many people and a newborn just doesn't put me in the best of moods to begin with. I can't decide if I'm being overly emotional in feeling this way or not so I wanted to get other mother's perspectives and opinions.

Whitfry

There is an entire board devoted to answering these questions. I would recommend checking it out, you will get lots of feedback there.

xMina4x

@whitfry thanks! I haven't really lurked around many places so I'll check it out like you suggest

@mel7806 I'm sorry for that! How is it giving you anxiety?

Disneygeek77

I don't see anything wrong with waiting until after the baby is born.  I know in some cultures that is standard.  Plus, since your mom is the one putting time, effort and money into this shower, then she kinda does have a huge say regarding when it happens.  

mommyofkaylin

To me, postponing the shower just to get more gifts sounds very entitled. Not to be rude, but it's no one's responsibility to make sure you have what you need for baby but you. That's just my opinion.

xMina4x

@mommyofkaylin I agree, I'm not saying it should be held off for that reason, sorry if I mis-worded it and it sounds like that. It's easier & less stressful (in my opinion) to have it before the baby is born; I really don't care if I were to get less due to the holiday season.

jpavenski

I don't see what's wrong with doing it in January, I think after the baby's born it's not considered a shower anymore & a little strange.

xMina4x

@jpavenski thank you. All I was wondering with this post is if I was right in feeling wrong about basically waiting for a stupid reason. I really don't care how many presents I get, that's not what it's about for me.

*Edit words are hard

starsailorr26

Ditto everyone else. It seems best to have the shower before the baby arrives for the reasons you listed. If your mom insists then maybe politely decline a shower altogether.

DragonflyDreaming

xMina4x said:

@jpavenski thank you. All I was wondering with this post is if I was right in feeling wrong about basically waiting for a stupid reason. I really don't care how many presents I get, that's not what it's about for me.

*Edit words are hard

I would listen to that feeling. It comes across very tacky to have a shower after baby is born. It's very nice of your mom to throw it, but make it clear to her that Jan/Feb will be fine and is more appropriate for the occasion.

xMina4x

@starsailorr26 I'm thinking that that's going to be my plan.

xMina4x

The only time I personally would be like "okay the baby shower is happening after the baby is born" would be if I unexpectedly went into preterm labor & the shower was already planned. But to me that's something completely different.

*Edit I only put half a sentence in & forgot the other half in my brain

CrystalTrues

I agree with pp but wanted to add that after baby is born you will likely be too sleep deprived to enjoy a baby shower, sip and see, or whatever title the party takes on.

yoitslooo

I think your shower should take place before the baby gets here. It just sounds like so much more stress if you would have it after the baby is born. It might be hard to reason with your mom since she's generously offered to throw you the shower, but just tell her the date is the one thing you want to control.

cesquer

I can't imagine having one after the baby comes. To me a shower is a celebration of things to come. It's a way to get together with loved ones to shower you with love and good wishes. While some people will be tapped out from Christmas, I don't think you should worry about it. People will give what they want or can afford. That's not the only point of the party. But yeah, my vote is for having it BEFORE the birth!

Bad enough I have to plan a baptism pretty quickly after she's born. My ILs are very old school Italian and they've already told us they're flying out for the baptism not the birth. And because they're in their 80s, I kinda feel like I shouldn't wait until she's 6 months or a year to plan this. Ugh.

On a side note: I'm a really bad Catholic. I am totally doing this to make them happy because it matters so much to them.

thursday

We are throwing my best friends shower in January and don't foresee it as a problem for guest however I must say we never mentioned how many gifts she would get or when you can get the most gifts which is so tacky to even discuss. People will buy you gifts regardless of when but your mom planning the entire shower around when people will buy more is so wrong on so many levels.

janda426

I will spend the same amount of money on a gift no matter the time of year. Her reasoning is plain stupid. Also like PP said the only way Id go to baby shower after the baby was born is if the mom went into preterm labor. If she refuses to back down on the date you'll have to simply decline the shower if it's not what you want.

drudolph11

Yea i feel like if you have the shower before the baby, even though it is around the holidays, i doubt it will affect the amount of gifts that you get since this seems to be your mothers whole point. Not that i think it should be the point. I doubt any of the gusts will be thinking "oh she just got so many gifts for Christmas im not gonna buy her anything for her baby shower" that seems a little bit like childish thinking personally. I certainty wouldn't do that.

mandi195

I think it is ok to have a "meet the baby" gathering after the baby is born, but those are not gift giving events, and are typically much smaller than the 50 people you mentioned. I was offered a baby shower, but since this is not my first child, I declined; and instead we will be doing a small brunch/meet the baby after baby is here, with a dozen people at most. 

Your mother's idea of waiting to get more gifts makes my skin crawl. 

scarlettc27

Traditionally, showers were not to be held by close family members (e.g. mothers and sisters of the MTB.) That has definitely changed in modern times, when families often don't live near each other. But the reasoning does make sense - it was seen as 'self-serving' for the close family of the MTB to have a party at which gifts were expected. I think we are seeing that here.

https://www.emilypost.com/social-life/celebrations-through-life/462-welcoming-the-new-baby-with-a-baby-shower

loraxmama

As someone who unexpectedly ended up having a shower after baby was born (baby was early but with no health problems) I say have it before baby. I was so tired and out of it. Plus you don't get to play all those cute shower games like guess the name or the due date or other stuff I can't think of because I never did it ;p

Your mom's offer is nice and I'm sure she means well but I say go with your gut plus you're right people wouldn't know what to get you since you'll have everything you need by then.

pennypretty

I agree with a lot that has been said already.

IMHO the only time a shower should come after a baby is in the unlikely event that a shower was planned and baby came VERY early. I know this has happened to people in the past and they still had the shower to help show support to the mother while her baby was in the NICU.

Disneygeek77

Yeah, I don't see the big deal with having a shower after the baby is born too.  Sometimes, that simply is the best time for everyone.  Now, like PP said, if you are only doing it to manipulate gifts than yes it is icky, but  generally, some people like @MandJS don't want it before hand due to cultural reasons or personal preference.  That is fine too.

scarlettc27

From the etiquette front, @mandjs is correct, and having a shower after baby comes is perfectly acceptable. The link to Emily Post on my earlier post says so, anyway.

It's a bit tacky for the mother to throw it, and to try to wrangle more generous gifts from her guests.

ET fix tag.

KeyserSuzie

scarlettc27 said:

From the etiquette front, @mandjs is correct, and having a shower after baby comes is perfectly acceptable. The link to Emily Post on my earlier post says so, anyway.

It's a bit tacky for the mother to throw it, and to try to wrangle more generous gifts from her guests.

ET fix tag.

A "bit" tacky to try and wrangle more generous gifts is a much nicer way of putting it than I would have. 

Besides. After Christmas = post-holiday sales. I bet you get more stuff.

Also. Stop being an ungrateful brat, and tell your mom and H the same. It's not about the quantity or quality of the gifts - it's about the thought. Say thank you  for WHATEVER you are given, and be done with it.

janda426

Aren't mostly all of us (who are having showers) going to be having them during or after the holidays? Does your mom think you're the only person to ever be due in March? My shower is January 10th and I've never once been like "ugh everyone's gonna be so tapped out from Christmas I'm not gonna get as much stuff wahhh!!!"

I guaran-fucking-tee you still get a crap ton of awesome, generous gifts. I'm glad you realize it's tacky OP

xMina4x

Thank you everyone for your input. I just want to state one last time b/c it seems that a few people think that less gifts is MY concern, it was my mothers. I honestly don't care either way if I have a shower or not, which to me also means I don't care about presents so why would I be concerned about MORE presents? 

Besides that, the reason my mother is throwing it is my SIL originally wanted to throw it but her fiance was recently killed in a car accident & my mother offered to take over since she obviously has more important things to worry about (she's going through the process of getting custody of his daughter who he had sole custody of). So that's the only reason my mother is doing it.

I plan on taking my mother out for lunch and, calmly, explaining to her that I am only comfortable with a baby shower before the baby is born due to the reasons she has given for wanting to postpone it.

On a side note, if she had said she wanted to wait b/c we live in New England & the winter can be iffy around here, even though I wouldn't have really wanted to I would have agreed. But she didn't give that for a reason and I'm not going to mention it to her.

Thank you everyone for your viewpoints though, I really do appreciate it! I also feel comfortable pushing my opinion with her now knowing that even though I'm not supposed to be involved at all in the planning process, that most feel it's okay to be firm about this part of it

@MandJS I also am not big on shower games but I do want to be able to enjoy seeing family & friends. I think personally postpartum I'm just going to want time with my rainbow baby & to rest. I understand your superstition about having a baby home before being surrounded by baby stuff though; it was tough to have baby things around after my previous loss.

*Edit to apologize for such a long post O_O

xMina4x

@keysersuzie How am I being an ungrateful brat?  This is what I said: "Now she's (my mother) going on about how we should wait to have it until a few MONTHS after the baby is born b/c then I'll get more presents. I honestly don't care about what will get me the most gifts, but I do feel as though if I were to have it that late, then there's no real point in having a baby shower." 

I did not say that I felt that way. In no way did I say that I felt that way, I actually said the opposite & that I'd rather not have one at all..