Time-outs: Good or Bad? New research...

marvan5

My local news just did a story based on this article that says time-outs may be as harmful as spanking a child. It explains that isolating a child in their time of need to work through an issue is actually damaging and instead parents should take the opportunity to talk to their child through the problem. This is totally a new revelation to me, since I have previously said on this forum I will not spank but would put my child in time-out. This makes me seriously reconsider even that notion.

DISCLAIMER: I am NOT implying that any parent that currently uses time-outs as a disciplinary method is abusive. This is new research and definitely something to think about, but not judge others on! I was put in many time-outs as a child and turned out to be an extremely empathetic person. This is just food for thought.

Stargirlb

We don't use any physical punishment or time outs. For alternatives to 'punitive' parenting, here are some great peaceful/positive Facebook pages to like and read on your feed:

https://www.facebook.com/PositiveParentingToddlersandBeyond

https://www.facebook.com/AhaParenting

https://www.facebook.com/janetlansburyElevatingChildCare

https://www.facebook.com/peacefulparenting

https://www.facebook.com/NonviolentParenting

https://www.facebook.com/ParentingBeyondPunishment

https://www.facebook.com/Goodjobmom

And the work of Alfie Kohn is also very good and worth reading some of his stuff.

MNgirl326

We do take a break- we put him in a safe spot, most of the time his room and tell him he can come out when he is ready.  It gives him a chance to take a minute and calm down, THEN we talk out the problem.

If a kid is in the red zone, having a big old tantrum- with screaming, hitting, etc.  There is no talking to them to calm them down.  You have to wait it out, and putting a kid in a safe spot to finsih their tantrum is not in my eyes detrimental.   

We also use a lot of logical consequences- so LO undestands there is a cause and effect to his actions.

I kind of LOL at the fact that they are saying it's abusive, but what i do think is that often times parents turn to time outs for everything little thing and never talk about it afterward and close the circle.   I also think that if time out is the only method of "punishment" it loses its effectiveness because kids aren't learning to monitor their own feelings and come out when they are ready, but they are instead forced to wait for a clock to tell them they can come out.    If a kid only needs 1 minute to calm down, why does he have to sit in time out for 5?  That's where i think they lose effectiveness and just become a "jail" for the kid.  

I will always be an advocate for positive parenting- love and logic and responsive classroom methods.   It gives the kids autonomy and helps them become well adjusted kids, but still teaches boundaries and consequences.   

literarymuse

@Stargirlb Thanks for sharing all the pages! My husband and I just recently read an article about positive parenting, and I liked pretty much everything I read. He was unsure about totally avoiding timeouts and stuff like that. Having more resources to learn about this technique will be helpful for our discussions on how we want to parent our children. 

Samiantha101

Lol @ harmful as spankings. That's really all I have to say on this matter.

AggieMom0809

We do time outs. We do the nanny Jojo method and it's worked great. They are told what they did wrong and why they are there. The child is still watching the other kids play and see what they are missing out on for doing something they have been told before was wrong. Afterward, we discuss the situation and what they could do better. It doesn't work on every child. Some react better to the same method, but a spanking instead of time out. Some respond better to having toys/privileges taken away.

We tried the positive reinforcement and still do if they do something they are supposed to without being told, but they still do things wrong. It ticks me off to no end to see parents at playgrounds that just let their 2-4yos do whatever they want even if it's hurting another kid because they don't want to punish the kid. They may be told, "that's not nice" or "let's try to do better next time" but if the kid doesn't fix the behavior something needs to be done. Otherwise I don't feel bad about my kid pushing your kid off the toy that my kid was already trying to play on (assuming he'd used his words first and the other kid is not listening and still trying to push mine off). We've only had to resort to this once thus far and of course the parent wasn't involved until after my kid pushed back. They left saying my son should have shared the toy that we brought.

Maebb

We do sometimes 1-2 minutes of timeout for DS if he is flipping out crying for a silly reason (like he wants a second lollipop) or if he hits or deliberately disobeys with something that puts him in danger (like waking toward the street and we tell him to stop and he doesn't). I don't think it's abusive or emotionally detrimental to him in the way that we do it.

AlfiesMOM

I was spanked and spent a ton of time in timeout and all the other various forms of punishment that happen as you get older (i.e grounding, having things taken away, etc.). I think that I turned out just fine and understand that I am responsible for my actions and they have consequences. That being said I don't plan on spanking mostly because I hope I can come up with other ways deal with the issue, but I will be using timeout as a form of punishment. I plan on using it as a time to reflect on what happen and how we can do it better next time. I currently deal with these types of issues by getting down and explaining why it was bad or why we don't do those things. But there are times when she is just not listening that I will tell her to sit on the couch or stand by the table and calm down and when she is ready or sorry we can move forward. Its never more than two minutes (her age) and its always followed up with I loves yous lets move on. 

AggieMom0809

ExcitedMama2 said:

We do time outs. We do the nanny Jojo method and it's worked great. They are told what they did wrong and why they are there. The child is still watching the other kids play and see what they are missing out on for doing something they have been told before was wrong. Afterward, we discuss the situation and what they could do better. It doesn't work on every child. Some react better to the same method, but a spanking instead of time out. Some respond better to having toys/privileges taken away.

We tried the positive reinforcement and still do if they do something they are supposed to without being told, but they still do things wrong. It ticks me off to no end to see parents at playgrounds that just let their 2-4yos do whatever they want even if it's hurting another kid because they don't want to punish the kid. They may be told, "that's not nice" or "let's try to do better next time" but if the kid doesn't fix the behavior something needs to be done. Otherwise I don't feel bad about my kid pushing your kid off the toy that my kid was already trying to play on (assuming he'd used his words first and the other kid is not listening and still trying to push mine off). We've only had to resort to this once thus far and of course the parent wasn't involved until after my kid pushed back. They left saying my son should have shared the toy that we brought.

I make sure my son knows that regardless of another kids behavior, he can't push a kid off a toy. If using words with the kid doesn't work, he knows to get an adult for help (especially if the other kid is using violence or pushing). He stands up for himself, but not by pushing someone.

I said if he was already being pushed and tried to use his words. I'm not going to have my kids (boy or girl) be pushed and just sit there and do nothing or go tattle. To me pushing is a big difference than shoving, hitting or biting. The other kid should not be within arms reach if they aren't playing together anyway. 

sanbry

We do the occasional time out. My daughter can get extremely worked up and there is no amount of talking that can calm her. Time out usually does it and we soothe her and explain things once she is calm again. I'm not a major fan of spanking and was very rarely spanked as a child.

kellyfo14

I rely on my instincts as a mother very much. They are there for a reason. When it comes to time out we use them as a way to take a breath and calm down. I usually sit with them and talk with them once they have calmed down. I can count on one hand the amount of time outs we needed to use for DD4. DS3 gets them now and then for big things, harming DD4 (he went through a biting stage and a hair pulling stage which SUCKED!). I never leave him alone because that would go against what I feel would work for him. I absolutely despise when I see people half ass discipline with their children, dismiss or just neglect to resolve negative behavior but I also believe in giving kids space to resolve issues on their own.

Stargirlb

The problem with "instincts" is that it can sometimes be hard to determine what is just reflexive learned (but not helpful,) reaction. 'Instincts' should be examined. My 'instinct' might be to punch someone in the face, but that doesn't mean it's a beneficial way to conduct myself. And more likely, that's reflexive but learned behaviour, triggered by an emotional reaction to a situation.

There are certainly situations where instincts should be trusted if they are all you have to go on, but disciplining children isn't really one of those cases.

motherboy

I do timeouts. They are as much for me as for my son. When he hits me or is melting down, sometimes the best thing to do is put him in a pack and play and give both of us a minute to regroup. I begin and end the time out with why he's there and afterward, why he shouldn't do the behavior.

I didn't read the article. I'm so bored of mommy bloggers giving opinions of how people should raise their kids. Don't abuse or neglect. Educate. Love your kid. Do those things and then do whatever works.

kellyfo14

Stargirlb said:

The problem with "instincts" is that it can sometimes be hard to determine what is just reflexive learned (but not helpful,) reaction. 'Instincts' should be examined. My 'instinct' might be to punch someone in the face, but that doesn't mean it's a beneficial way to conduct myself. And more likely, that's reflexive but learned behaviour, triggered by an emotional reaction to a situation.

There are certainly situations where instincts should be trusted if they are all you have to go on, but disciplining children isn't really one of those cases.

I agree that instincts should be examined and that is absolutely part of my process. My instincts never lean toward the violent, however. I have to respectfully disagree that instincts shouldn't be trusted in disciplining children if they are examined. I don't feel as though reading a ton of books on discipline would do anything more than confuse the situation since there are so many differing perspectives out there. I trust the part of me that tells me to feel compassion when my child is crying even if it is because of something they have done wrong. I trust the instinct I feel to be present and not walk away when my child is in distress. I have the possession of self to recognize that an urge to punch someone in the face is not a reasonable response.

AggieMom0809

ExcitedMama2 said:

AggieMom0809 said:

ExcitedMama2 said:

We do time outs. We do the nanny Jojo method and it's worked great. They are told what they did wrong and why they are there. The child is still watching the other kids play and see what they are missing out on for doing something they have been told before was wrong. Afterward, we discuss the situation and what they could do better. It doesn't work on every child. Some react better to the same method, but a spanking instead of time out. Some respond better to having toys/privileges taken away.

We tried the positive reinforcement and still do if they do something they are supposed to without being told, but they still do things wrong. It ticks me off to no end to see parents at playgrounds that just let their 2-4yos do whatever they want even if it's hurting another kid because they don't want to punish the kid. They may be told, "that's not nice" or "let's try to do better next time" but if the kid doesn't fix the behavior something needs to be done. Otherwise I don't feel bad about my kid pushing your kid off the toy that my kid was already trying to play on (assuming he'd used his words first and the other kid is not listening and still trying to push mine off). We've only had to resort to this once thus far and of course the parent wasn't involved until after my kid pushed back. They left saying my son should have shared the toy that we brought.

I make sure my son knows that regardless of another kids behavior, he can't push a kid off a toy. If using words with the kid doesn't work, he knows to get an adult for help (especially if the other kid is using violence or pushing). He stands up for himself, but not by pushing someone.

I said if he was already being pushed and tried to use his words. I'm not going to have my kids (boy or girl) be pushed and just sit there and do nothing or go tattle. To me pushing is a big difference than shoving, hitting or biting. The other kid should not be within arms reach if they aren't playing together anyway. 

If violence is happening (pushing, in this case) it isn't "tattling".  People with this stance drive me crazy.  

My son stands up for himself for sure, but he would be in trouble for pushing someone, even if it was "pushing back."  

I guess I should just be glad that I will most likely never be at the same park as you/your children.  

Or just be sure your child's hands aren't on my child. The other child and mother should also learn that if it's not theirs, they have no right to it. My child doesn't not have to "share" his toys. He is encouraged to and is usually willing to without any adult interaction, but when another child tried to just come take his toys and is being forceful about it, I expect my son to stand up for himself. 

Edvent

I have been a believer in time out because for years that's what's been shown to be most helpful. It's something I teach to the parents of my clients (I end up doing a lot of parenting work when parents bring in 5-10 year olds with "behavior problems"). So I was really ready to side eye the hell out of this article.

However once I saw who the author is, that makes this a big deal. I bought the book based on this new research today and am interested to read it and share it with my clients. I have known that time ins and natural consequences are better than time outs, the problem is that not all parents are emotionally regulated enough to do this and time out can sometimes be a safer suggestion for the child if the parent is at the breaking point.

Thanks for posting this @marvan5‌

summererobinson

My thing is, than what do you do? Let the kid hit someone? Let them have a fit or scream and yell? there has to be some form of discipline!