Parenting

What do I do now? Very Long

Before I get flamed, I realize so many other people have it worse than I do. I'm not complaining about my life. Just my MIL. 

I posted a while back about moving my MIL down here. She was in a bad situation up north so I decided we would foot the costs and bring her here. I got her an apartment, job and car. We drained our savings to do it.

Not long after she got here she freaked out and called my DH. She said I told her that I wished she were dead and my mom were still alive. That conversation NEVER happened. She eventually told DH that she realizes I never said this, but when we were all together, she again said this was true. She was initially upset because I would not let DH support her. Food and gas wise. I'm a SAHM. We have one income and things are tough. She had more money than we did after paying her bills. She just loves to shop and couldn't do it as much after paying for food and gas.

Now she's starting more crap. She told DH she's moving back to Vermont. Why? Because of me. She stopped coming around. When DH asked her why she told him a bunch of BS. She says that I pretent to be this nice person when I'm really not.

She says that I'm lazy because when she came down almost 3 years ago after my DD was born, I just sat around doing nothing. I would do nothing all day and when it was time for DH to come home, it was a mad rush to get everything done. I had DD 2 weeks before she got here. My mom was dying. Plus, I was cooking and cleaning up after her and her friend.

She says I have the kids on a routine which makes them untouchable. He said "like what?" Their nap and food schedules and bedtime routines. I don't even know what to say about this.

She told him that I make DD sleep 3 hours everyday so that I can sit around and do nothing. Did you know you could make your DC sleep for 3 hours? Try it!

DH started believing his mom. Last Monday he told me I needed to do more around here. I told him that the house is clean (very clean), the laundry is done, I cook almost everyday and the kids and him are very well taken care of. "What else do I need to be doing to make you happy?" He didn't know. I told him that if I want to sit and do nothing after DD goes down for a nap, I will. DS wakes up usually a half an hour after she goes down. I'm busy from 730am until 930 at night. If I want to do nothing for 30 minutes or even 3 hours, it's none of his business. Everything gets done. He has his time to himself. I have to entertain a toddler, an infant and a friggin grown man everyday. He helps out a lot. So I'm not saying he doesn't do anything.

Well, on New Year's Eve I came down with a bad stomach virus. I was out of it for 2 days. Good thing he was on vacation! He had to do it all. And let me tell you, I was happy for that. On the second day, he came in and decided to tell me EVERYTHING his mom said. I had no clue our arguement was over this women. I was going to tell him that I was going to go back to work before he told me.

He was beat at the end of both days. I asked him why he seemed so stressed. He said he was trying to get other things done besides taking care of the kids. Figuring out dinner was the worst I think for him.

So, my question is, How do I handle things with my MIL until she leaves ( at the end of April)? I do not want her in my home. We are the only people she knows here. She asked DH not to tell me anything because I'm her only connection with him and the kids. He would have nothing to do with his mom if it weren't for me. Over the years, she has done some awful things. He really would have stopped talking to her 7 years ago after the last thing. But, I told him that she was his mom. Nothing she did was to him, just morally wrong.

When she leaves, I won't call her. I will send pictures of the kids, but that's it. I don't want to be the crazy DIL that uses the kids against her.

Okay, if you made it this far, what would you do? I wish there was someway to let her know that I know everything she's tried to do. Without outing DH. Atleast he stood up for me to her face. She doesn't know all the trouble she caused.

 

Re: What do I do now? Very Long

  • You MIL sounds nuts.

    1)  I would set forth some boundaries...like she must repay you for the money you guys put forth to move her.

    2)  She sounds seriously crazy, I would talk to your DH and see if he will agree and try to get her some help.

    3)  I would talk and be civil with her...and totally ignore any of her negative comments.  If she wants to criticise you behind your back to DH...then let her do so...when DH says something to you about it...set him straight.  YOUR MIL is NOT your kids mom.  He better get that straight and realize he lives and sleeps with you.

    My MIL did a lot of this crappy behind your back commenting/complaining about how it wasn't fair, that I controlled the kids too much stuff.  It was crappy.  I am sorry.  I am sorry you have money involved in this too.  (Lesson learned I hope..NEVER give your family money)

  • Yikes, I don't know except to say just keep communicating with DH and make sure you are both on the same page.?
  • Loading the player...
  • God! That's a terrible situation to be in. I have absolutely no advice though, I'm sorry! I can't imagine what you are going through and I really hope your DH realises the truth.

     

    Good luck!

    imageimage

    L-R: Liam (7), Eimhin (6) and Fionn (4)!  (Irish names)
    Too busy to update the pics for now ... :)

  • It's time to cut this woman out of your life. She is toxic. She's taken advantage of you and been cruel in the process.

     What are you trying to salvage? You say if it weren't for you, DH would have nothing to do with her. It's time to let go. She won't change, you know that. Now, stick up for yourself and your family and cut all ties. 

  • She owes you an apology. ?I would insist on it before I'd lift one finger for her or spare her one thought. ?It sounds like your DH owes you one too and some serious buttkissing. ?It isn't MIL's fault that he listened to her, it is his. ?

    My MIL and I have a similar relationship. ?If she gets a flat tire across the state, it is somehow my fault. ?So I eventually had enough and realized nothing will help with this relationship. ?Now, we just don't talk. ?DH is in charge of staying in touch with his family. ?I will show up to family gatherings once every 6 weeks or less. ?If she is discourteous, we leave. ?You might want to think about what limits and boundaries will help you stay sane if you decide this relationship is even worth salvaging. ?

    (((hugs)))?

    .
  • She sounds truly insane.  I would minimize contact, say as little as possible, make sure you and your DH are communicating regularly about the situation, so you know if she is filling his head with any more BS, and then cut all ties once she leaves town.

    I would not try to let her know that you know what she tried to do, because she seems completely unstable, and I am just imagining that will come back to bite you in the azz somehow.  I also suggest keeping the peace until she is out of town so she doesn't cause a scene in front of your kids or try to corner DH alone while she is still around.

    I'd be really PO'd at my DH if he had been listening to his mom and started really believing that I was worthless and lazy, but I have a feeling she knows how to get into his head and he was probably feeling really confused and stuck in the middle.  He came around, so I would cut him some slack so you can keep a united front.

    I am so sorry you are dealing with this - that is a horrible situation.

     

  • I don't know what to say except your MIL is nuts and I'm sorry she treats you like that!
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards
"
"