Working full time & quality time. update (it gets worse!)

NADA-H

hi ladies, I've returned to work almost 4 weeks ago when my baby was 6 weeks. When i first started my baby used to go down for the night at between 10-midnight so my DH and i both spent time with her after work before we'd swap her to get things done, she's been bringing her bedtime earlier though and recently she'd be down for the night between 6:30-7:30 pm. we get home from Work and DC at 6pm and by the time we use the bathroom and change out of work clothes she wants to nurse and just dozes off. She wakes up once at night to nurse then sleep again until 5:30am where she wakes up nurses gives a few smiles, poops then nurse some more and sleep again until its time to leave for DC. I barely ever see her now, we dont even have any time to start a bedtime routin or get time to bathe her. She is growing up super fast and i feel like i'm missing out on ever existing in her life with such an early bedtime. I feel like i'm about to call quits but a) i cant afford to stay at home and b) i cant be a SAHM, emotionally it drives me insane, the 6 weeks pp period was too overwhelming for me and c) i want to have a career Is there anyway i can push her bedtime by an hour? It will make a huge difference. I barely saw her the last two days and am sitting at work pumping and tearing up

MamaAllison

Hugs sweetie! I know it is hard. I don't think you want to mess with her sleep schedule since it seems she is on a good one. Is there any way you could maybe adjust your working hours so you get home earlier? Maybe even work from home for an hour after LO goes to sleep? If nothing else remember, this phase is short!

ccam

DS had a really early bedtime like that for a while.  It was a mad rush from when we walked in the door to get dinner and bath done so he could get to bed.  At times, DH didn't see him at all after work depending on when he got home.  To us, sleep is so important and I didn't find it fair to push his bedtime for our sake.  So we learned to make the most out of the weekends and little time we had together.  She won't always go to bed so early and you'll have more time with her after work at some point! 

I ended up changing my hours so I go in to work earlier and leave earlier just to have an extra hour with DS after work.  Is that a possibility?

amackattack

I guess my post will be the unpopular one! My LO is 3M1W. I realize my LO's schedule will change many times and this may not last, but i will tell you what we have been doing for the past 2.5 weeks she's been in DC.

My H works about 9:30-6 or so, and he drops her off at DC at 9AM. I pushed my hours up to 7-4, so I pick her up at about 4:30PM. Here is her sleep schedule:

8:15 AM Wake Up

Generally, 4 hours worth of naps at daycare (2 separate naps), sometimes 3

1 hour nap at 6PM

Asleep at 10 PM

1 wake up to feed overnight at 3-4AM

1 dream feed before I leave in the morning at 6 AM

Overall, she generally gets between 13-15 hours of sleep a day. She wakes up on her own after the 6PM nap. I am going to try to push bedtime up to 9:30.

Is it possible to stagger your working hours with your H by an hour or two and have one person drop off and one pick up? In my opinion, I don't think it will have long term repercussions to try to push the bedtime back for a few days, and see if you'll get a longer nap at daycare or see how baby does. If all that happens is you get a cranky, overtired baby, than you know that's not the solution for you. 

mlee116

Like PPs said, although her schedule is rough, its normal for her age and over time, her bedtime will be pushed back.  DS did the same thing when I returned to work and it was rough.  I agree that if you can shift your work hours, that'd help a lot with having more time in the evenings.  What worked for us was letting DS have a little nap late in the afternoon.  DH would usually get home around 4-4:30 and he'd take a 30 minute- hour nap.  Then by the time I got home at 5:45 or 6, DS would be awake and would be able to stay up a little later.  That nap also gave DH time to get dinner started or whatever he needed to do.

shakinros

This time is really tough so I feel for you. Like the others said, I think as soon as you get used to the current sleep schedule, she'll change it again. So I also wouldn't make big moves like quitting your job based on what's happening now!

All attempts I made at engineering our kid's sleep schedule failed. She's an early bird, always has been, who knows if she always will be? When she was an infant, she had that 630/7pm bedtime and woke up for the day at 530/6am. Trying to keep her up later made for miserable evenings and she didn't sleep longer in the morning or nap better at DC. Now that she's 2 and goes to bed at 8/830 (or even 9 if we're hanging out with friends), she wakes up at... 530 or 6am, same as always. I'm convinced sleep schedule is just not up to us.

However, if you're like me, you'll want to find out for yourself! I had to, even though I got the same advice I'm giving you. Trying it for a few days won't negatively affect your kid long-term, so try keeping her up 30 min later and see what happens. She'll tell you if it's not going to work for her.

NADA-H

thanks for the support, I've really been a wreck all day today.

We live in Qatar where it is a super corporate country with people working 5-8 everywhere, everyone has set hours.

I already work less hours in comparison to everyone else in my office, the company's current hours are 8am-6:30pm but I asked to do 8-5 when I signed up my contract. I also get a governmental 1 hour for nursing that I can take off and work less hours for the first year of my baby's life so currently my hours are 9-5..Our company is looking to downsize so I'm worried that any change in my hours would lead to me being the one they let go.

I've just been called in actually while typing this up to be told to not ask our pantry person "he makes tea and coffe, washes our dishes, etc" I was called in and asked to not ask him to wash the BM bottles because it's too personal and was told that they don't want to have these bottles mix with the rest of the dishes of everyone there- I think he complained to the manager directly, I had only done this a couple of times because I'd discover I had no clean ones at home and had to run to work with no time to wash them at home....I feel absolutely mortified right now...such a horrible day all together

NADA-H

and regarding the WFH, I can't since I manage contractors on-site so I basically have to be at that site and can't take work with me or work from home

ErinO21

Going back to work is hard, especially so early. I had to do the same. I wouldn't mess with bedtime though since it seems to be working for her. I will say though that every time my son settled into a schedule and I adjusted mine to fit his and spend time with him, he threw me a curve ball and woke up earlier or stayed awake in the morning or something else. Just because she's going to bed early now or falling asleep in the morning after nursing, doesn't mean she will do the same in a few weeks. Hang in there mama!

ASmallWonder

I know - it's rough and right now everything you face seems like it's the biggest deal (I'm not trying to downplay it, we all really feel that way) but each phase is actually short in the grande scheme of their life.  You aren't missing out on existing in her life, I promise

MickeyM04

I can't really add much but just wanted you to know you aren't alone.  I don't really get much time with either of my kids.  We are out the door at 6:45 for a daycare drop off at about 7:05, and I pick up at 5:50 and we get home at 6:15 and then DD is ready for bath/nursing/bed at 6:45 p.m.  She doesn't wake up until I wake her at about 6:20 in the morning, so I get 25 minutes with her before we leave and about 25 when we get home.  I get similar amounts of time with DS, because even though he stays up later than DD, I'm nursing her at about 6:55 and then by the time I get her down, he's getting into bed (7:30ish). 

Would echo that I wouldn't mess with LO's sleep.  They just get cranky when they don't want to be up anymore and so it's not good quality time anyway.  Last night we tried to keep DD up even just 10 minutes later than usual because traffic sucked and we got home late, and it was just an extra 10 minutes of her fussing/rubbing her eyes/sucking on my neck trying to eat. 

It does get better.  By the time DS was 1, he was staying up til about 7:30, and before DD was born, he was up til 8:00 (he wants to go to bed now when she does so he is back at 7:30).  And the bedtime stuff is a lot quicker once they're older...we start DD's routine at 6:45 to have her in bed by 7:30.  DS takes like 2 minute baths now and reads a couple stories, and his bedtime routine is a total of about 15 minutes.  So if he were still going to bed at 8:00 we wouldn't have to start his routine until 7:45 which would give us over an hour of quality time when we got home.  Just know that the bedtimes eventually move back and then you will get the time back.  ((HUGS))  It totally does suck.

ss265

NADA-H said:

thanks for the support, I've really been a wreck all day today.

We live in Qatar where it is a super corporate country with people working 5-8 everywhere, everyone has set hours.

I already work less hours in comparison to everyone else in my office, the company's current hours are 8am-6:30pm but I asked to do 8-5 when I signed up my contract. I also get a governmental 1 hour for nursing that I can take off and work less hours for the first year of my baby's life so currently my hours are 9-5..Our company is looking to downsize so I'm worried that any change in my hours would lead to me being the one they let go.

I've just been called in actually while typing this up to be told to not ask our pantry person "he makes tea and coffe, washes our dishes, etc" I was called in and asked to not ask him to wash the BM bottles because it's too personal and was told that they don't want to have these bottles mix with the rest of the dishes of everyone there- I think he complained to the manager directly, I had only done this a couple of times because I'd discover I had no clean ones at home and had to run to work with no time to wash them at home....I feel absolutely mortified right now...such a horrible day all together

It sounds like you are dealing with some cultural differences - I would just let this go. Hey, at least now you know not to ask him to wash your bottles. When I was pumping, DH was in charge of washing bottles and we made sure we had enough bottles/pump parts so that he could do them every other day - is this an option for you?

I wouldn't push LO's bedtime later because she needs this much sleep right now and you really don't want to mess with her sleep schedule at this age. As she gets older, she should adjust her bedtime to be later in the day so you should get more time with her. And focus on the time you do get with her, on the weekends and that time when you get home. It's short but make it count.

emberlee3

PrivacyWanted said:

I co slept with both my kids, it helped me to feel close.
I also focused in time we did have, rather than what we didn't.

This. Co sleeping or bed sharing worked for us when my kids were infants.

skibunny59

I'm sorry you're going through this.  Cosleeping is the best thing ever.  I coslept with my DD until she was 18 months old.

Also, as far as the breastmilk bottles, medela makes microwavable disinfecting bags.  When you're in a pinch, you could bring them to work and all you have to do is rinse the bottles and disinfect them in the bag in the microwave.  Also, when I was pumping DH was in charge of cleaning all bottles and pump parts.

MommyAtty

This part is just going to be terrible. I'm on #2, and he's in the middle of the "fall asleep between 6:30 and 7:00" period. This time around I keep reminding myself (1) it's fleeting and before long he will shift to 7:00-7:30, and (2) I felt the same way with his sister and there's no question that at 2 she is clear on who her mama is, how loved she is, etc. So hang in there. It does get better.

[Deleted User]

It gets better. I promise. In a couple of years you will be begging LO to go to bed at 7pm. 

Focus on quality and not quantity. And don't mess with bedtime. Throwing off her sleep schedule because you want more time is not a good idea and will bite you in the ass later.

She doesn't need a bathe every night. Skip it and save that time for cuddling. Try to prep your dinner ahead of time (it's crockpot season!) or eat when she goes to bed.  Wear her while you do things around the house. Co-sleep or sidecar a bassinet. 

And the biggest piece of advice-- Focus on the positive. You aren't in a spot to change where you are in life so the only thing left is to change your outlook.  

NADA-H

Just because when it rains it pours this is what happened since yesterday.

I was so overwhelmed with the whole situation of barely seeing my baby the last couple of days and then that talk with the space manager who told me not to ask the kitchen guy to wash my bm bottles which i only did twice in a month out of need and is not a habbit. I was absolutely mortified. I leave to pick up my baby from DC at 5 pm and we get stuck in traffic for a whole 1 hour and 45 minutes although i live 15 mins away from work and DC. At some point during the commute my baby who cries her eyes out during car rides woke up from her trance from the white noise and started crying because she got hungry at that point and my husband called to check on me and i starting sobbing in the car while stuck in traffic.

She then slept in the car all until i got home and staid asleep, she woke up a little after and nursed then slept right away so there it was a horribly stressful evening that i couldn't handle and i missed spending time with my baby again. I snuggled her for a long time before putting her down and i brought her to my bed to nurse during the night and early morning. I had to return her to bed at night though because we r active sleepers and i cant sleep if she is in bed with me i freak out with every move that DH makes thinking he crushed her. In the wee morning we snuggled in bed after she nursed then napped together but it isnt the same as spending actual time together while she is awake.

Woke up after the nap late and had to rush to get to work, i was 20 minutes late when i got to DC this morning only to find out i forgot to pack drinking bottles for my baby, she woke up hungry crying and i had to pull my husband out of a special program that he was doing for work to go get the bottles while i nursed her in the car and eventually i was 1 hour and 20 minutes late to work today.

To top it off, the above flat has a broken pipe in the wall and its dripping into our ceiling and walls and into our kitchen, our kitchen floor is soaked and maintenance r taking their own sweet time.

Of course my mom calls to check on me while i'm pumping at work 20 mins ago and i sob like a little child

This is a horrible week all together

NADA-H

Regarding co sleeping, i have no space in my room to add a bassinet or any type of cot and even when i do bring her to bed to nurse then take her back to her room i still wake up and freak out thinking we crushed the baby and then i realize she is sleeping in her room.

Regarding the BM bottles and pumping equipment i have a whole lot but it just happened that i didn't run the dish washer the night before and the mommy help wasn't there and all bottles were either full of milk or dirty, all 12 of them and i found out too late,so it just happened twice that i went out of sync.

I'm going to talk to my boss today about the possibility of working part time and see how long part time would be and if i would still be entitled to the 1 hour reduction and how much i would be paid. I have car installments that i need to pay and DC expensive fees even if for part time so i don't want to be working just to cover expenses because that will just push me over the edge

My husband is awaiting a promotion soon but we'd still need the double income at least for my spending and installments

NADA-H

@K3am please dont stop venting about Qatar on my account! I'm at my last wits with the job market here.

Of course no one would answer at QatarGas it's a governmental or a semi-governmental establishment meaning most decision makers there are locals who don't have to show up to work to get paid, they barely exist in their offices. The numbers of locals here are so little in comparison to expats like myself..I think they count for less than 1/6th the population so the country's law enforces enrollment of locals into private and public sectors by a certain percentage, more in the public sector which means even if they don't do anything (which a huge majority of them does) companies have to keep them to meet the country's quota of locals working for them. And of course expats carry the burden of pulling their weight so they end up working for two! stupid ha?

Its part of why I can't get a good job because all the places I applied to where I would get a really good job, better time, better pay, etc had those job postings that I'm qualified for as a "local only specific position" which made me stuck for a long time before getting this job. They go to their office to get their morning coffee, read the newspaper, have breakfast and then leave and go home

NADA-H

she will be 10 weeks tomorrow, she was 6 weeks when I first went back to work and was sleeping more than now but more during the day time and with more waking up.

now she sleeps from 6:30pm-5:30am with one feeding in the middle and she gets 3 one hour naps at DC.

I just asked my boss to get my reduced hour (its called a nursing hour that we get for having a baby for the first year of life so that we can go home and nurse or pump or leave an hour earlier or come in an hour later) in the afternoon rather than in the morning so I'd work 8-4 instead of 9-5 and he said ok IF I manage to be always on time (traffic here is a bitch and with a baby I asked for that hour in the morning so that I get a buffer but I still am late sometimes like today when I forgot to pack bottles for DC.) and IF my new timing doesn't conflict with contractors needs since we manage contractors and our company's timing is 8-6:30 and I will be doing 8-4 so if anything comes up after 4 it will be delayed to the next morning which would cause delays on the projects assigned to me...in the contracting business and project management that is super unacceptable...I think while things r a little slow at work now it would work but I'm guessing asking for part time won't work....

Kewii

I don't really have anything to add, except that I feel for you.  I know exactly what you mean about local jobs and the lack of accountabilty for locals.  I'm an expat in Kuwait.  We battle a lot of the same battles.

skibunny59

NADA-H said:

Regarding co sleeping, i have no space in my room to add a bassinet or any type of cot and even when i do bring her to bed to nurse then take her back to her room i still wake up and freak out thinking we crushed the baby and then i realize she is sleeping in her room. Regarding the BM bottles and pumping equipment i have a whole lot but it just happened that i didn't run the dish washer the night before and the mommy help wasn't there and all bottles were either full of milk or dirty, all 12 of them and i found out too late,so it just happened twice that i went out of sync. I'm going to talk to my boss today about the possibility of working part time and see how long part time would be and if i would still be entitled to the 1 hour reduction and how much i would be paid. I have car installments that i need to pay and DC expensive fees even if for part time so i don't want to be working just to cover expenses because that will just push me over the edge My husband is awaiting a promotion soon but we'd still need the double income at least for my spending and installments

Regarding cosleeping, we just put DD in bed with us.  We did it since she was a tiny newborn.  There are safe ways to cosleep.

DiveFrog

K3am said:

I wouldn't mess much with the sleep schedule. A babies body does most of it's work while sleeping.. All those times that you swear she looks bigger than she did the night before? Probably is!

Just try to remember that this is just a phase. You'll get into a routine eventually, and you'll start to enjoy a little bit of the downtime after LO goes to bed. And before long, LO will be pushing that bedtime out later and later on her own, and you'll dream of the times that you got to catch up on bad TV or just talk to your husband before bed. 

And ditto to what PP's said about planning on having downtime during the weekends to spend together as a family. 

Just keep on keeping on.. You're doing a great job!

THIS.THIS.THIS.

Honestly, I would have cut my arm off for a baby that would sleep as well as yours is. DD was a total night owl from the day she was born. Her last nap of the day was around 7-7:30pm every night and then we would work from  10-12:30 trying to get her to sleep for the night. I tried SO hard to get her to sleep for the night at 7-7:30, and it just would never work.

I was spending 5-7hrs every evening with my baby, but had absolutely zero time for myself. It really took it's toll on me. After DD was 1 and really learned to put herself to sleep, and moved her bedtime up to around 9:00pm life got exponentially better for us. You need time for yourself and to have a few minutes as a couple too.

You mentioned you switched your hours from 8-5 to 9-5, maybe it would be better to switch them to 8-4 so you get a little more time with the baby after work before bedtime.

TheBorg7of9

I'm sorry you're going through this. Even at 10 weeks, they're sleeping all the time. One thing I tell myself is that even if I were home with my babies, they would sleep all day anyhow. My kids are 8 months and 2.5. DS2 goes to bed at 8:30 and DS1 goes to bed at 9, so even though I get home at 6:45, I feel I have enough time with them. It will get better.

NADA-H

I'm feeling much better that the weekend has started here (Fri-Sat) and that traffic was nice and easy last night and I managed to spend time with my baby after work.

I've also asked my boss to work 8am-4pm which is still full time as per my contract and the reduced hour I get for nursing, everyone else in the office works 8am-6:30pm so when I asked to finish at 4 my boss said just on trial bases to make sure it doesn't impact the work because I have to be available to manage the contractors working on the shops assigned to me...which I think implies that I can't do part time which would be 8-2:30. I'm not inclined to do part time personally because of the pay cut so I will give the 8-4 a try and see what happens.

as to using the medela steam bags, I have the bags but don't have the microwave..not at home (I don't use it and don't like it) and not at work (we use a hot plate) so it's useless, I just throw everything into my dish washer and i have plenty of bottles, I will just make sure not to forget to run the dishwasher daily.

I do really feel a lot better today having spent time with my baby and hopefully the new timing works out well

ASmallWonder

One thing that might help you is a check list or a "chores calendar."  It saved me when I first went back after my second because it took needing my brain to remember stuff out of the equation.  If you need to make sure you have clean bottles, make a list.  Put making the bottles on the morning list.  I even put one daily cleaning task on each day because it helped me from becoming overwhelmed with the house or cleaning the kitchen every day to the detriment of everything else.  That helps too because if DH has a free minute?  Pick something from the list dude.  It all needs to be done by whoever has a free minute and a free hand.