Reigning in overexcited Grandma-to-be?

southernyankeegirl

My Mom is absolutely amazing, first off. She and I have always been super close, and I have no problems telling her usually where she's welcome to have input and where it isn't appreciated, and 99% of the time she respects that. She will spend the first few weeks here post partum, and both DH and I are grateful as she has always been helpful without being intrusive, and always respectful that DH and I (and our much awaited child) are the primary family unit in our house.

All that said...

She's gone rather crazy! She's had a rough time the past several months with her own mother (mental health issues, it's been brutal) and she's choosing to focus on becoming a grandma (first grandbaby) as her primary distraction. Which is great most of the time - she was a huge help in planning my wedding, but did it all based off my wishes, so I assumed it would be the same with the baby.

Not so... She wants to make the nursery more childish than the classic style I prefer, and keeps telling me no on fabrics I like and showing me fabrics I don't like. And then buying them "just in case"!

She told me she couldn't decide between two homecoming outfits for our baby. I told her that it wasn't her decision - DH and I get to pick, while I appreciate her thoughtfulness and generosity. She begged until I finally agreed that she could take me shopping to buy an outfit together when she comes to visit in November (only because I don't really care much what he wears home anyway).

Yesterday she said she was shopping for a "lovie" and couldn't decide which (like a comfort blanket). That also kind of feels like something for me to choose.

She also planned my shower, which I am sure will be awesome, but told me not to be shocked if some gifts were from random people I haven't seen in years like distant relatives. I was appalled, thinking she had basically sent a "send gifts" invitation to people we knew couldn't make it. Nope, that's not what happened (thankfully). She has purchased so much stuff that she doesn't want my Dad to realize it's all from them (he's aware of the total charges, but not each specific purchase) so she signed the gifts from other people to hide that it's all from her!

So... Any good suggestions on reigning in gung-ho grandma without ruining the excitement of it all for her? I am thrilled she's happy and has a distraction, as it's been a very tough few months, but it's starting to feel like she's pushing some boundaries. I don't have a problem putting my foot down when I feel it's important, but none of these issues individually matter much to me. It's just the sneaking suspicion she's getting carried away!

And anyone else's Mom similarly over enthusiastic? I mean, it's great, but I definitely think she's even more excited than I am, which is a bit strange!

southernyankeegirl

@sassquatch‌ - the Halloween costume thing is totally something I can see my mom doing.

She always made a big deal about picking out our costumes as kids, and spent a great deal of time making them.

I know she will want to be involved, but that's yet another thing that I want to do myself (even more than any of this newborn stuff), and I'm afraid she'll just try to take it over or try to tell me what I can and can't do.

I don't have a problem saying no, but I don't want to take away this distraction and happiness from her at the same time. If I told my dad that I thought she was getting too excited and stepping on my toes, he would pull her in quick, but I don't want to quench the happiness it's giving her. And I am grateful for all that she's done and is doing.

Maebb

My mom was the same with DS, and also the same that she was going through mental health things with my grandmom at the time, so hugs for that.

I repeatedly said to her when she offered advice, "Thank you for that. I will talk it over with DH, and we'll decide what's best for our family." Eventually she got the hint that she is not one of the top 2 decision-makers in our family. She still gives advice from time to time, but not as often, and she's not as pushy about it.

Regarding toys, gifts, etc., sometimes I will say, "Oh, thank you, maybe you can keep that at your house for when DS visits." Maybe that's rude, but we have a small house, and we can't take everything.

For the outfits and nursery decorations, I would use a similar approach. "That's pretty, but we've decided to go with this instead."

I know it's a delicate balance because I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I also want her to understand boundaries. I want to be grateful, but I don't want her to buy a bunch of unnecessary things that we won't use.

Disneygeek77

This is what I would do if I were you and it works with toddlers as well.  Say no and distract them with something else.  For example, I took my son to Costco today and he didn't want to leave the toy section.  I told him he couldn't have a toy, but hey what do they have down this aisle ?

So when your mom oversteps I would do the same thing and say " No, mom I already have my heart set on something else, but can you look for some grandma/ grandbaby picture frames to keep in the nursery or Hey, can you make us this meal for our first meal at home  or Hey can you make a cute name plate to put in his crib at the hospital  or can you find a cute hat for the winter or can you pick out his first teddy bear  or Hey have you signed up for that grandparent class at the hospital ?" 

Seriously,  like PPs  suggested I would come up with a mental list of small projects or tasks you don't care if she handles.  This way you can set boundaries regarding those tasks you want do yourself but she still gets to feel important and useful.  

Now is she still pushes on the stuff you want to do yourself, I would stay firm and tell her no, you have it handled and you don't want to discuss it anymore.  Don't give into guilt trips or manipulations because she will keep using those methods to get her way in the future.  

Edvent

It sounds like you have a pretty good attitude about this already. If it was me I would probably let things go unless it was something really important to you. Maybe it's my personality but for my DD I used something someone gave us at a shower as her take home outfit (granted I did choose it, but didn't buy it myself). Her lovie is also something someone gave us, she just decided it's what she liked the most. Things like the nursery I may draw the line at, since you'll have to live with the decor day in and day out. I do agree with PP's about giving her a specific project to help her feel included and maybe redirect her excitement in a way that works for you. I think the fact that you've always had a good relationship and she's been respectful buys her a little grace (rather than it being a pattern of her always being overbearing).

Take my advice with .02 though, my MIL lives WITH me... so in order for me to have ANY sanity at all I have to let a lot of stuff go

JB86

Why don't you tell her since becoming pregnant you have this thing about being in control and when your not you get super stressed out. Tell her it would really cut down on your stress if she could consult with you on everything first.

KnitPixy

My mom is not quite as over excited but it's starting to get close.  I've found that giving her specific projects has bee the key to directing her excitement so that she doesn't start to overstep.  She's the one who taught me how to sew so I asked if she would make the bedding for the crib, window coverings, and she found a great pattern for a changing table pad.  I went fabric shopping with her and while I definately had to do some steering towards what I wanted versus what she liked more we both left really excited about.  She's helped me with paint selection and painting too (DH bows out of all things paint related).

While that hasn't curbed her spending (I had to laugh at the account of the "distant relatives" giving gifts because I could so  see that happening if my dad cared more what she spent) it has helped her feel invovled and because the projects are pretty time consuming it's also keeping her busy.

She's also awesome and has been sewing me maternity clothes!  If your mom is sewer I really recommend trying that to keep her occupied... you save money, she stays busy and you get a wardrobe out of it!

southernyankeegirl

KnitPixy said:

My mom is not quite as over excited but it's starting to get close.  I've found that giving her specific projects has bee the key to directing her excitement so that she doesn't start to overstep.  She's the one who taught me how to sew so I asked if she would make the bedding for the crib, window coverings, and she found a great pattern for a changing table pad.  I went fabric shopping with her and while I definately had to do some steering towards what I wanted versus what she liked more we both left really excited about.  She's helped me with paint selection and painting too (DH bows out of all things paint related).

While that hasn't curbed her spending (I had to laugh at the account of the "distant relatives" giving gifts because I could so  see that happening if my dad cared more what she spent) it has helped her feel invovled and because the projects are pretty time consuming it's also keeping her busy.

She's also awesome and has been sewing me maternity clothes!  If your mom is sewer I really recommend trying that to keep her occupied... you save money, she stays busy and you get a wardrobe out of it!

She is good at sewing, but she'd rather swipe a credit card. And within two days of popping a positive pregnancy test, I had a package on my doorstep with over $300 worth of maternity clothes. She has since bought me about $300-$400 more of maternity clothes. My maternity wardrobe is better than my normal wardrobe!

My shower is a week from Sunday, so we will see how crazy this all is ;-) I will certainly have pictures for you ladies on all of the gifts from "distant relatives"!

kellyfo14

I wish someone would buy me maternity clothes. But seriously enjoy it now because if number 3 rolls around all of this will have disappeared. As far as the lovie goes, they are so cute you will have 7 by the end of your shower just thrown in with other things. The kid really picks the favorite. You sound like you really appreciate her generosity and that is incredibly important but having a voice is important too. In the end though what matters is your connection to your mom. You will need her soon in ways you don't yet see and that relationship is far more important than the concern it is causing you now. I have a hard time with others being overtly generous with me. I feel that in some way I have to repay them but put yourself in her shoes. She will not spend more than she can and she wants to do so much for you. You have to decide if you are willing to allow her to cross some of those boundaries for the sake of the relationship. Sounds like you have a great Mom there and a very excited grandma to be.You are very fortunate.

SheHulk723

When I told my mom no baby shower, she actually cried.  But I let her take me out baby shopping whenever she pleases hehe  I think she's bought 99% of the stuff we have so far, she paid for, both for baby and my maternity clothes.  But she has the money and loves spending it on other people so if it makes us both happy, I see no problem with it.