Trouble TTC

Help me come out of the closet (SAIF/PAIF/everyone welcome) (bonus mini-update)

First of all, sorry I've been kind of MIA. The beginning of the school year has been kicking my ass.

For the mini-update: We're getting all of our ducks in a row to do IVF in November! (And boy, there are a lot of IVF ducks.) I was feeling pretty bitter for a while, but I think I'm starting to turn the corner towards feeling excited (and nervous as hell). :-)

Now for the point of the post: Right now only our immediate families and key people at work know about our IF. I'm to the point where imagining going through IVF while in the closet (time off work impacting coworkers, seeing extended family around the holidays) is causing me more anxiety than the idea of just telling everyone. So, I think I'm going to come out of the closet on Facebook. I'm not sure exactly what to say though! I know quite a few of you posted things for NIAW, and I want to pick your brains. If you have links to blog posts or can copy your FB post in here, that would be amazing. Even just tips would be appreciated.

In addition to the FB post, which I am 90% will happen, I'm thinking about coming out at work (only maybe 30% sure about this part). Has anyone done that?? Do you send a mass email? Announce something at a meeting? Just tell people as it comes up? This part has me cringing harder, so I'm not sure where it will go, if anywhere. FYI, I'm a teacher, and there are probably 50 or so staff members.
**siggy warning**  **everyone welcome**

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DS- 11.07.02
DSS- 6.26.04
Married- 6.29.13
TTC Again- Sept. 2013
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Test Results/Diagnosis- HSG & SA totally normal
DX: 3/2014 Prolactinoma/Hyperprolactinemia- Started cabergoline 2/2014
5/2014 Possible mild PCOS in addition to hyperprolactinemia??
7/2014 Adding probable tubal factor to the diagnosis list
9/2014 And now adding hypothyroid to the list- Started synthroid 9/2014
Cycles 1-4 - Sept.-March- All Anovulatory 
IUI #1 March/April-  Clomid 50mg + Clomid 100mg +Trigger + IUI #1 = BFN
 IUI #2 April/May-Clomid 100mg + Clomid 150mg + Trigger + IUI #2 + Endometrin=BFN
IUI #3- June- Follistim 75iu + Trigger + IUI #3  Benched due to a 40 mm cyst. :-(
IUI #3- July- Follistim 75iu + Trigger + IUI #3 + Endometrin = BFP! on 7/25/14
Slowly rising betas - Ectopic suspected on 8/8/14 & confirmed on 8/11/14
Methotrexate on 8/12/14 -HCG negative on 9/2/14
IVF #1- November- Antagonist protocol: 11/1: start stims, 200iu of Follistim; 11/12 ER 17R/14M/14F; 11/17 5 day transfer of two blasts, 2 blasts and 2 expanding morulas frozen; 11/22 BFP!! (On FRER at 5dp5dt)
Betas: 9dp5dt 205, 11dp5dt 497, 14dp5dt 1,709
u/s at 5w0d- 1 sac; u/s at 6w0d 1 baby with heartbeat, another sac without a heartbeat
image


Re: Help me come out of the closet (SAIF/PAIF/everyone welcome) (bonus mini-update)

  • Thanks, @NariaDreaming‌! I will check out your posts. How did you tell people outside of your immediate team? Just, in passing, about what you were doing over the weekend or something? My boss and the teacher I share a room with know. There's a team I work with every Wednesday morning that I want to tell because monitoring is going to conflict with our meetings. However, it's a large enough group (10-15) and I'm not close with all of them, so I'm nervous about bawling if I try to tell them in person. I want to email them, but I think that might be weird??

    Thanks, @rainbowbridge14 Wow! Kudos to you for speaking up at that check-in. I have a really hard time talking about it in person at first. I even emailed my own mom. :-P Once I get it out there, I'm better.

    @iPutKetchupOnKetchup‌ I might do something like that (link to 8 RAK page) at some point. I think if I go into much detail at all, it's going to be hard enough to keep it concise. I think my first link will be to the RESOLVE IF etiquette page. I hope if I open the door I will feel comfortable posting others things like that in separate posts though.

    I guess what I struggle with on Facebook is how much depth to go into. Like, do I talk about my diagnosis, what we've tried already, etc?? Or do I just say we're infertile? I think part of what is going to make it tricky is that we're experiencing 2IF, so I feel like people won't "get it" unless I mention a diagnosis??

    I'm really open to any feedback. I want to be clear and concise, set boundaries, inform, but not make it extremely awkward. Ugh.
    **siggy warning**  **everyone welcome**

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    DS- 11.07.02
    DSS- 6.26.04
    Married- 6.29.13
    TTC Again- Sept. 2013
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Test Results/Diagnosis- HSG & SA totally normal
    DX: 3/2014 Prolactinoma/Hyperprolactinemia- Started cabergoline 2/2014
    5/2014 Possible mild PCOS in addition to hyperprolactinemia??
    7/2014 Adding probable tubal factor to the diagnosis list
    9/2014 And now adding hypothyroid to the list- Started synthroid 9/2014
    Cycles 1-4 - Sept.-March- All Anovulatory 
    IUI #1 March/April-  Clomid 50mg + Clomid 100mg +Trigger + IUI #1 = BFN
     IUI #2 April/May-Clomid 100mg + Clomid 150mg + Trigger + IUI #2 + Endometrin=BFN
    IUI #3- June- Follistim 75iu + Trigger + IUI #3  Benched due to a 40 mm cyst. :-(
    IUI #3- July- Follistim 75iu + Trigger + IUI #3 + Endometrin = BFP! on 7/25/14
    Slowly rising betas - Ectopic suspected on 8/8/14 & confirmed on 8/11/14
    Methotrexate on 8/12/14 -HCG negative on 9/2/14
    IVF #1- November- Antagonist protocol: 11/1: start stims, 200iu of Follistim; 11/12 ER 17R/14M/14F; 11/17 5 day transfer of two blasts, 2 blasts and 2 expanding morulas frozen; 11/22 BFP!! (On FRER at 5dp5dt)
    Betas: 9dp5dt 205, 11dp5dt 497, 14dp5dt 1,709
    u/s at 5w0d- 1 sac; u/s at 6w0d 1 baby with heartbeat, another sac without a heartbeat
    image


  • My mom knows and our friends know...but some friends know more than others.  I sent an e-mail to my friends at the beginning of all of this.  I'm actually thinking about sending another e-mail soon just to get it out there why I might be acting weird.  

    Good Luck!
    Me (29), DH (32)
    Aug 2011  - Married
    Jan 2013   - Started TTC
    Jan 2014   - OB started some testing 
                         - HSG - Normal
                         - Ultrasound - Normal
                         - SA - Normal, but tested positive for Ureaplasma
                         - Both of us on antibiotics to treat ureaplasma
                         - Blood work - progesterone: 15.9, TSH: 0.89, FT4: 1.2, Prolactin: 33.4 
    Feb 2014   - Endometrial Biopsy - Normal
    Mar 2014   - Prolactin: 22.9, referred to RE
    Apr 2014   - First RE appointment, put on medication for high prolactin levels 
                      - Clomid (50 mg) 1 follicle, Trigger shot - BFN
                      - Second SA - All Normal, borderline morph (5%) 
    May 2014   - Clomid (100mg) 2 follicles, Trigger shot - BFN
                      - blood work: Estradiol: 32.7, FSH: 5.3, Prolactin: 14.1
    June 2014  - IUI #1, Clomid (150 mg), 3 follicles, Trigger shot - BFN 
    July 2014   - IUI #2, Clomid (150 mg), 4 follicles, Trigger shot - BFN
    Aug 2014   - IUI #3, Femara 2.5, 3 follicles, Trigger shot (first time done by DH!!) - BFN
                      - Hysteroscopy - Normal
    Sept 2014 - IUI #4 Femara 2.5, 1 follicle, possibility of another one, Trigger shot - BFN
                       -Progesterone test 4 DPIUI - 7.8...started crinone.
    Oct 2014 - IUI #5 Follistim 150 3 possibly 4 follicles - Trigger Shot - BFN
    Oct/Nov 2014 - Follistim 150 with TI & Trigger shot - ???

    **October Siggy Challenge**

    I don't even know what he is supposed to be!
    image


    **EVERYONE WELCOME!! :)**

  • Loading the player...
  • BunnyBerryBunnyBerry member
    edited September 2014
    As a fellow teacher - I would not make some kind of general announcement. I would probably tell my direct supervisor and then my own department at a meeting, with the idea that it would most impact them, and then let them know it's not a secret. And then just be honest about things as they naturally come up throughout the year with different coworkers. 

    I wouldn't tell people what every appointment is about - for the same reason I probably would never say, "I have an appointment for a Pap smear," or "I have a colonoscopy next week." I would just let people assume that I have an excuse for lots of appointments and who would ask for details about someone's medical appointments anyway? I don't want to leave my professionalism open for judgment from anyone who thinks a fertility appointment is "optional" instead of medically necessary. 

    No advice about FB, unfortunately I can't imagine sharing on FB until we're PAIF or SAIF, and then I will share about the IF as a way to respect those with IF who would see the announcement. 

    ETA: How could I forget this part? YAY for IVF in the works! Glad you're feeling better about the process.:)
    January 3T Siggy Challenge - New Year's Resolutions
    image
    imageimage

    Me (29), DH (30) TTC actively 54 55+ cycles | All BFNs
    MFI (low everything) | Endo Stage 1 & Stenotic Cervix (treated) | PCO
    Married - July 2008 | Started TTC - Jan 2009RE Visit #1 - Mar 2014 
    IUI #1 ICI #1 - June | IUI #1.1 Laparoscopy - Aug
    IUIs #1.2, 2, 3 - Sept, Oct, Nov (Letrozole) - BFNs 
    IUI #4 - Dec (Bravelle) | IUI #5 - Dec/Jan (Bravelle) - 5 follies + TI - BFNs
    IUI #5.1 - Jan (Bravelle) Cancelled 
    Planning to start IVF in March!
    ***All Welcome***
  • lebradfordlebradford member
    edited September 2014



    x

    I totally get this because I did get all teary telling my group. After I got it out it was easier but the first time was pretty hard for me. I think if you feel more comfortable email its fine. I say do what you are comfortable with because we cannot be expected to be fine with talking to groups about such a sensitive topic. I wouldn't give a lot of details just say you are dealing with fertility treatment and due to the appointments you will be missing some of the Wednesday meetings. 
    ___________________



    Thank you! I think between @rainbowbridge14 and @BunnyBerry's advice I feel ok about work. I think I'll send an email to that Wednesday morning team, letting them know the very basics about what's going on, and telling them that I don't mind discussing it in person (just that it's easier to first bring up in email) and that it's not a secret. I think that's a good compromise. I agree, it would feel weird to send an all-staff email.

    @BunnyBerry, I agree. I won't tell people what each appointment is for, I'll just say at the beginning that there will be a lot. I think my disclaimer with everyone will be that I'm happy to answer questions or talk about it, *except* about where exactly we are in a cycle. I'm just telling people we're going IVF in a few months. I don't want to have to do day-to-day updates or tell a bunch of people it did/didn't work the day of beta.

    I was originally thinking we would just tell people when PAIF too, but I've gotten to the point where I can't take hiding anymore (or in some cases even lying). And thanks for cheering me on about IVF! Now I have my (approximate) countdown on my phone for when I can stop BCPs. I guess that makes me excited. ;-)

    Thanks, @DaydreamSam‌ I'll check out your blog post!

    **siggy warning**  **everyone welcome**

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    DS- 11.07.02
    DSS- 6.26.04
    Married- 6.29.13
    TTC Again- Sept. 2013
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Test Results/Diagnosis- HSG & SA totally normal
    DX: 3/2014 Prolactinoma/Hyperprolactinemia- Started cabergoline 2/2014
    5/2014 Possible mild PCOS in addition to hyperprolactinemia??
    7/2014 Adding probable tubal factor to the diagnosis list
    9/2014 And now adding hypothyroid to the list- Started synthroid 9/2014
    Cycles 1-4 - Sept.-March- All Anovulatory 
    IUI #1 March/April-  Clomid 50mg + Clomid 100mg +Trigger + IUI #1 = BFN
     IUI #2 April/May-Clomid 100mg + Clomid 150mg + Trigger + IUI #2 + Endometrin=BFN
    IUI #3- June- Follistim 75iu + Trigger + IUI #3  Benched due to a 40 mm cyst. :-(
    IUI #3- July- Follistim 75iu + Trigger + IUI #3 + Endometrin = BFP! on 7/25/14
    Slowly rising betas - Ectopic suspected on 8/8/14 & confirmed on 8/11/14
    Methotrexate on 8/12/14 -HCG negative on 9/2/14
    IVF #1- November- Antagonist protocol: 11/1: start stims, 200iu of Follistim; 11/12 ER 17R/14M/14F; 11/17 5 day transfer of two blasts, 2 blasts and 2 expanding morulas frozen; 11/22 BFP!! (On FRER at 5dp5dt)
    Betas: 9dp5dt 205, 11dp5dt 497, 14dp5dt 1,709
    u/s at 5w0d- 1 sac; u/s at 6w0d 1 baby with heartbeat, another sac without a heartbeat
    image


  • **Grad lurking - siggy warning**

    I was out to everyone, but at work I did it in passing.  Those I worked closely with or sat right next to, I let it be known I was doing IVF and would have a crazy schedule.  If people asked, I'd tell them.  I don't think you'd have to send a mass email.  

    For social media, I posted a picture on instagram (and shared via twitter) of us before ET.  I've also seen people post a saying or poster/image of something IVF/IF related.  That way it's not too in your face, but people get the gist of what's going on.  But if you feel comfortable writing out a post and sharing more details, I say go for it - everyone is different, so it's all about your comfort level.


    Me 33, DH 37 -- TTC since Jan'12 -- Low AMH (0.78) & endo, SA w/ low motility
    IUI's 1-3 = BFN, IVF converted to IUI 4/13 = BFN
    IVF 1.2: 8R 6M 4F -- 2 blastocysts frozen, FET 8/15 = BFP!!
    Beta #s = 445;1,098; 9,545  -- EDD 5/2 -- Team Pink!
    Camila Josephine arrived 4/30 :)
  • *** Grad / Ticker Warning, pregnancies mentioned *** (since gsancho posted first!)

    I came out during NIAW. It was so damned therapeutic for me!

    No specifics but that we were battling infertility, that it isn't something uncommon or shameful, and a few tips and links on what not to say to an infertile. If anyone wants a link to my blog (no longer in my siggy) just PM me!

    I am still super duper open about infertility (as is DH with his coworkers and bosses). I figure it makes the conversation less taboo for those still struggling, and might let someone who is suffering silently know I get it and am here if they want to talk. While the medical details are no one's business, I feel no shame in sharing the general diagnosis of infertility as if it were a cancer diagnosis.

    As for Facebook randoms knowing this stuff, I actually had a handful of people I haven't really spoken to in years who reached out after my NIAW posts to talk privately about their own struggles. I was able to help a few people just starting the process to understand what to expect for testing and possible treatment plans. It started a conversation with a wide range of people that I think was really beneficial - I have even had pregnant friends tell me that they are much more aware after seeing me go through this (and how I have openly stated that I won't post pregnancy updates on Facebook because it was so painful for me while struggling) of how their Facebook posts and off hand comments might inadvertently hurt someone. So win for sensitivity and awareness!
    ************************SIGGY WARNING***********************

    Me: 29      DH:  32
    Off birth control March 2012 - Actively trying Sept 2012-April 2014
    Unexplained Infertility
    BFP on May 5th after Follistim & IUI #3
    Ryan Henry - born 1/10/15, 7 lb 5 oz, 20 1/4 inches

    NTNP for a sibling starting March 2015
    Waiting on cycle to resume while EBF


    imageimage

  • @daydreamsam I had time to look at your blog post, and I love it! I love the explanation of IVF, because of the few people who already know, very few of them know what IVF is (which surprised me).

    @amylev80  I love your post. That is a lot like what I had in mind. Tell the basics of what’s going on, why I’m telling people, and what not to say. Thanks!

    @gsancho Thanks for coming by! I do like the idea of keeping it short and sweet, and possibly lighthearted. I have a funny IVF cartoon that was shared with me recently that I thought might be cool to include.

    @southernyankeegirl Thanks for posting! I miss you! I agree, part of the reason I want to share if because I want to help make it seem like it isn’t something we need to hide, and I’d imagine there are other people I am friends with who are suffering in silence as well. I hope my post is at least half as successful as yours was. :-) 

    **siggy warning**  **everyone welcome**

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    DS- 11.07.02
    DSS- 6.26.04
    Married- 6.29.13
    TTC Again- Sept. 2013
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Test Results/Diagnosis- HSG & SA totally normal
    DX: 3/2014 Prolactinoma/Hyperprolactinemia- Started cabergoline 2/2014
    5/2014 Possible mild PCOS in addition to hyperprolactinemia??
    7/2014 Adding probable tubal factor to the diagnosis list
    9/2014 And now adding hypothyroid to the list- Started synthroid 9/2014
    Cycles 1-4 - Sept.-March- All Anovulatory 
    IUI #1 March/April-  Clomid 50mg + Clomid 100mg +Trigger + IUI #1 = BFN
     IUI #2 April/May-Clomid 100mg + Clomid 150mg + Trigger + IUI #2 + Endometrin=BFN
    IUI #3- June- Follistim 75iu + Trigger + IUI #3  Benched due to a 40 mm cyst. :-(
    IUI #3- July- Follistim 75iu + Trigger + IUI #3 + Endometrin = BFP! on 7/25/14
    Slowly rising betas - Ectopic suspected on 8/8/14 & confirmed on 8/11/14
    Methotrexate on 8/12/14 -HCG negative on 9/2/14
    IVF #1- November- Antagonist protocol: 11/1: start stims, 200iu of Follistim; 11/12 ER 17R/14M/14F; 11/17 5 day transfer of two blasts, 2 blasts and 2 expanding morulas frozen; 11/22 BFP!! (On FRER at 5dp5dt)
    Betas: 9dp5dt 205, 11dp5dt 497, 14dp5dt 1,709
    u/s at 5w0d- 1 sac; u/s at 6w0d 1 baby with heartbeat, another sac without a heartbeat
    image


  • @lebradford‌ - miss you too! Excited for your IVF cycle! You know I am always here to cheerlead ;-)
    ************************SIGGY WARNING***********************

    Me: 29      DH:  32
    Off birth control March 2012 - Actively trying Sept 2012-April 2014
    Unexplained Infertility
    BFP on May 5th after Follistim & IUI #3
    Ryan Henry - born 1/10/15, 7 lb 5 oz, 20 1/4 inches

    NTNP for a sibling starting March 2015
    Waiting on cycle to resume while EBF


    imageimage

  • edited September 2014
    Congratulations on your impending IVF cycle!  Fingers crossed everything goes as planned.  I can understand the anxiety of side stepping your IF.  It's hard when the first question out of your families mouth when you get married is usually "when are you going to have kids"?  

    Like most, we're officially out to only our closest friends and family.  For me, it didn't seem appropriate to post anything on FB before they knew, and not all are on FB.  Plus, I'm much more open about our IF than my husband is so I wanted to respect his privacy.

    I have however started a Pinterest IF board that he knows about.  It started off private until I started following other IF boards.  My big step was making it public during NIAW this year to which I've had a couple of positive responses.  Now I use it to earmark important links I use for insurance, resources, etc.  It's actually a really great tool for IF plus I get to read some of the snarky IF e-cards that bring humor to the situation.  

    Our workplace is different than most in that I have a lot of sick time/appointment leeway.  I did share with my co-worker who struggled with IF almost 40 years ago.  She's the person who would handle my desk while I'm out of the office for appointments.  

    Edited: for clarification
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