Dealing with unsupportive family members

SpartanGirl24

Hi ladies! I'm a regular lurker that is planning on BF once our twins are here in the next two weeks. These are our first two little monsters and both are boys. I have love skimming this board for advice, but wondered if anyone had any more recent advice for me.

I don't flaunt the fact that I want to BF, but my MIL has asked from practically day one what my plan is. She was very out front with the fact that she did not BF either of her kids because she didn't want to be "tied down." Imagine that conversation, over dinner, sitting at a bar. Super fun. In the early stages, I told her it was going to be "whatever works" since we knew there was a chance the babies could be born very early and BF could be problematic. 

Since we have gotten closer to, and are now, full term, I have let it be known that I do plan on BF for as long as possible. I feel like MIL brings up stories of people who tried to BF and gave up, or just didn't want to, all the time. She has never had a positive BF story to tell me. Just last week she was asking me about the bottles that we have (I did wash a few, just in case) and wanted to know why I had different types. When I told her that I wanted to see what types of bottle the boys would like, she commented that they will take anything right away. I then explained that they wouldn't be getting bottles right away, she got defensive and started making comments about how giving them at least one bottle a day would "help out."

DH is totally on board and is excited that I want to BF, and my mom is very supportive as well. I just don't know what to say to MIL sometimes, especially since she always catches me when we are alone. I'm about to go down the "these are our kids and therefor our choice" route, but I'm afraid of what is going to happen when she is the one helping me take care of the boys. She has offered to help out with them 3 days a week once I go back to work (I work from home) and I don't want to deal with any negativity over my parenting choices during that time. Any thoughts or commiserating? Sorry this was so long, but it has been hanging over my head for a little while!

greeneyed_bride

I think a good rule here (and with most in-law issues) is that in your marriage, each spouse is responsible for addressing issues with his or her own family. So it should be your husband who talks to his mom about it, not you.

My MIL didn't breastfeed any of her kids. When my son was born, we had some breastfeeding issues in the beginning (he was tongue tied,) and my MIL kept suggesting that we use formula. DH knew that I was really committed to making it work as long as possible, and he was really supportive. So when she continued suggesting formula, he told her very firmly that our son was getting enough milk and that we would not be giving any formula, and that he didn't want her to bring it up again. That was the last I ever heard of it from her, and I continued to nurse for 16 months. I am currently breastfeeding my newborn daughter, and my MIL came to visit and the word formula was never mentioned during her entire visit.

Because your husband has had more experience "dealing" with his mom, he's in a better position to know how to talk to her, and she'll probably take the message of "this is what we're doing and we don't want your input" better if it comes from him instead of you.

vvvvvfee

sorry that you're going through this with your MIL. you're doing a great thing for your LOs by BFing!

when you have a newborn/young baby(ies) you are tied down no matter what-- it is one of the most demanding jobs you will ever have! it's a tough job, period, whether you are BFing or FF.

i do think your MIL may soften up her stance a little bit once your LOs are here, and she's not just talking in the abstract.

i like some of the suggestions on how to respond from this article on kellymom: https://kellymom.com/bf/concerns/mother/criticism/

SpartanGirl24

Thanks so much ladies! I have broached the subject of DH talking to MIL if she continues to push, and he is on board. It's just such a pain when she catches me alone. Next time I'll tell her it is our decision and to talk to DH if she has any further comments. I'll make sure to check out the comebacks on kellymom too!

narcissticbeaut

I didn't have very much support either. and the little that i did came from my fellow bumpies and a few girlfriends who nursed. My family and boyfriend were not on board. my bf thought i was setting myself up for failure.

here i am 7 months later still going strong!

You just need to tell her that you're going to make the effort to do what you feel is best for your babies and that you would appreciate her support in that matter. That yes she may not understand your decision, but its YOUR decision. And your significant other can be there with you when you tell her, or better if he could tell her. But you need to be firm and blunt. it may be awkward for a bit, but its way better than her upsetting you after the twins arrive.

good luck! and congrats on making it full term with your LOs

JulyMumma

Being a mom is hard and sometimes it seems like everyone is out to judge you. 

Maybe your DH could sit down with his mom and chat about how breastfeeding is really important to you and you really want to make this work. It's okay if she doesn't love breastfeeding or think it's important - she's entitled to her own opinions - she just needs to keep her mouth shut. You're doing what you think is best. She needs to deal.

I would avoid the whole "benefits" talk for several reasons. It doesn't help. Both BF and FF babies have tummy issues, gas problems, allergies, intolerance issues, and get sick. So spouting off information about BF "preventing" any of that "bad" stuff from happening is silly. Babies, ALL babies, get sick from time to time. It's a fact of life. Your just giving her ammo for the first case of sniffles your baby (babies) gets.  You'd also be judging the fact that she or other family members used (use) formula. No one likes to be judged.

My inlaws are huge BF advocates and hate the fact I combo fed. But at the end of the day we each have to do what is best for our babies and ourselves. We also need to stop judging other moms (we all do it - MIL's included). It doesn't help anyone.

shesamommy

Eff what other people have to say about what you choose to do and what they did. My MIL hated that I didnt pump bottles until my deployed husband came home (I wanted him to give DS his first bottle since he missed basically everything). She even stormed out because my DH told her to give up the baby when it was time for him to eat. She eventually got over it.

Don't let anyone make you feel guilty about BFn or FFn. Your the mom it's your choice.

pmduggan01

These are all interesting experiences, and mine is similar to having an unsupportive MIL regarding BFing. Ironically, she did BF her two sons, but only until their teeth came in. Once she heard that I was planning to BF Alex (he's almost 2), she warned me a bazillion times that he would surely bite my nipple off -- I mean clean off like he's a badger or something.

I explained to her from the get-go that I was working with a lactation consultant, and when we reach the teeth/biting milestone, she'll help me through it if needed. (He did take a couple of bites last year, but nothing serious, and I didn't even need help from the LC).

She's still weirded out and uncomfortable with me nursing him. We were in a museum afternoon in August where I nursed Alex in a dark theater. When she took notice she stormed out of the theater in a huff shouting "oh my God!" Honestly, that didn't bother me. I was more concerned about was my kid, who really needed to nurse.

Here are some things to think about: nursing, among other things, is going to trigger tons of unwanted advice from family, friends, and strangers. I often keep in mind the phrase, "What others think of me is not my business." When others are persistent (including my meddling MIL, who made year 1 with Alex very stressful for me -- postpartum hormones took me for quite a ride), I politely tell them, "I'll keep that under consideration,"  and drop it. If they don't back down and keep needling me with their ideas, I tell them that I'm no longer willing to discuss it -- it is a topic that is off-limits.

I don't have any difficulty talking directly with my MIL, and I've known her for 4 years. I figure DH, our parents, and everyone are in it for the long haul, and at some point I have to be open with her. Plus, I'm 43 years old, and hate getting into "triangular discussions" where I have to have someone talk on my behalf -- and then wait to hear how she responded -- then feeling awkward the next time I see her. I let DH know whats going on. He supports me.

Lastly, I have a friend who's mom was their baby's daycare. Her mom kept telling her that the baby would sleep better if she got cereal in her milk. When her baby was 3 months old, and against her wishes (and just general safety for the baby), her mom fed the infant baby cereal. Needless to say, this caused some family conflict. Just get your wishes across and monitor compliance as we all do with anyone watching our kiddos.

Good luck with those babies!