Dealing with Christmas/gifts already...

Ago

This is super-early, but a discussion already in our family.

My sister got married this year, and they are an interesting couple. They are extremely frugal (nothing wrong with that, they are making a good foundation for themselves) and her husband doesn't like receiving gifts at all.

My dad loves Christmas and giving gifts - it is the one thing that he allows himself to go overboard on, as he is pretty frugal too. Ever heard of the 5 love languages? His is definitely gift giving.

Anyway, my sister calls my mom this week and tells her that they only want to do gifts for my DD, no one else exchanging gifts. This is incredibly disappointing to my dad and my parents called me to see what I thought. DH, though not of a gift-giving family himself, has learned over the past 10 years what it means to my dad, and has graciously accepted it. I'm thinking about sending a message to my sister and her husband kind of explaining to them what this means to my dad. Sister's husband spends very little time with us the way it is - I don't want to piss him off even further, but I don't think he understands what this means to say "no gifts". He is a really hard guy to read and kind of crotchety, from what I know about him. I think I don't love the idea of DD just receiving gifts as well.  If my parents can't buy for anyone else, they might go really overboard on DD. I like to use that time to teach her about giving as well. Should I approach them about this?

Ago

My sister and I have set a price limit when we buy gifts for my parents, but I didn't think about the other way around. Maybe that would help. Thanks!

Helenahhandbasket

I actually think you should talk to your sister for sure.  Being part of a family and one half of a couple includes sometimes doing things that make you uncomfortable, so I think your BIL needs to bend a bit here.

If your dad loves gift giving so much, I am sure he wouldn't mind giving and not receiving-- so could you just ask your sister to talk to her H about simply accepting the gifts gracefully, without reciprocating at this time?  They can then afterwards write a really heartfelt thank you and maybe include a nice family pic for your parents to frame. 

If your sister/ BIL feel weird about accepting, can they maybe in exchange cook your dad's favorite meal for him to freeze, bake cookies, or sign him up for a magazine supscription (trying to come up with some ideas that cost little $$$).

Christmas gives me agita.

 

Ago

This is why Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday...

kristennd

Does this mean you all spend Christmas day together? Because my first thought is that it's fine for them to bow out of presents themselves, but they can't really tell the rest of you what to exchange.

Could your father get on board with giving to an appropriate charity instead of buying items for your sister and BIL? It's well within the Christmas spirit.

I'm curious whether your sister really doesn't want anything or just feels she needs to go along with her husband's rules.

EMarieMe

I can see both sides. I too would rather just spend time with our adult relatives, maybe exchange cookies or baked goods, but not gifts. We have so much stuff and I prefer the focus to be on bonding and eating! A heavy focus on gifts makes me very, very uncomfortable. I'm no Scrooge, but I prefer just one or two gifts per person. Anything more feels like overkill. Would your Dad do something more low key? Food exchange? A museum trip as a gift? Is there more to your Dad and BIL's relationship that makes this a sticking point?

gwendarling

Ago said:

This is why Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday...

nothing further to add, except thanksgiving is totally my favorite holiday too!

TundraGirl

Ago said:

This is why Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday...

Mine too. I love just being with family!

Ago

Thanks for the advice, everyone! I truly also like less emphasis on gift-giving and we certainly don't exchange gifts with parents and my sister to the amount that my parents give to all of us, so I don't think it is much of an expectation.  The other sticking point with my dad is that he always tries to be fair to each daughter, so I don't think an exchange of gifts before or after they come for just us would help ease his mind any. I do like the idea of quietly leaving mom and dad a gift from us or doing "non-holiday" gifts at other times of year. I will talk to sister and BIL about finding a balance. Thanks again!