Rude to ask someone to throw your baby shower

mamatoobee123

chickyclg

I think it rude to ask someone to through you a shower because essentially you are asking them to spend money in a way they might not be prepared to do.  

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

jaztastic

I really wish you had a SS response here and this is why:

When I announced I was pregnant there were a few of my good friends who would say things like "Let me know when you pick a date for the shower because I want to help out " or "Who is planning the shower I want do pitch in. 

I have a pretty large social circle, and keep in mind I have 10 godchildren so I have a lot of friends that all want to "throw the shower". But they arent all in the same group, and no one wants to step on anyone elses toes and say they are throwing the shower. It was like everyone wanted to help, but no one really knew where to start or what to do.

It started to get weird, and everyone wanted to be included. So I did end up assigning different ones to different showers. I have have my mom and 2 of my closest friends doing 1 shower... and my sister and 2 other friends doing a 2nd shower. 

(before anyone tries to go off about multiple showers, this was not my idea and without a lot of details, 2 showers is absolutely necessary)  

StephanieLBerg

Yes! Very very very rude! This is also considered tacky if it's not your first! Just FYI, the subject of Baby Shower throwing is kind of a big one among this board, especially if this is your second + kid.

buckeyemomma

I'm of the same opinion as @jaztastic. It depends on the circumstances, so I would need to know more from OP before making a serious opinion. 

jennjilljo

I can't decide without more facts. Are you asking one of a group that volunteered? Do you really want one and no one has offered? I think that in most cases that it is rude but there can be extenuating circumstances that would permit it without it being rude.

bhjones1980

I wouldnt hold my breath for more info, looking at the OPs history, she has a trend of post and runs...

jaztastic

Chicken and BHJ... ive got to do better detective work! 

mylazypony

I asked 2 of my friends to throw me a shower. I'll be forking over money for house, food and drinks. They will be organizing it and handling invites. They both were stoked I asked and are thrilled to help me out. I think it just depends on your situation. I'm really happy to have a circle of friends that the second I shared the news, each and everyone were like what can I do for you? I feel pretty lucky and loved. It actually never occurred to me that asking could be rude. However I'm not having a traditional shower. It'll be coed and gifts are not mandatory.

HerHighness

Yes

Yes

1000000 times yes

heltoncl

We have family in two states so there will be two showers and this is our first baby. My mom and sisters are essentially hosting one however I am taking care of the venue cost and wherever else I can help when there is much of an expense. My family is already having to travel quite a distance for the location so I don't want to burden them. My sisters will be taking care of the fun stuff (decor,potentially games or whatever) and I believe my mom is going to take care of finger foods and maybe a cake. This shower is non traditional/coed/aunts, uncles,cousins,grandparents,kiddos are invited. The second shower in another state my sister in law offered and I don't ask questions when it comes to that one! We briefly spoke about it before and she just wants addresses for invites. I told her I would be more than happy to help her but we haven't talked much about it since. I think it depends on the scenario. For example the first shower I explained was kind of a joint idea and there were a lot of logistical circumstances we had to figure out for anything to work so in a way it was like a collaborative idea not necessarily asking or offering. I wouldn't straight up ask someone to host anything for me, that's for sure.

CatLadyTX

A girl in my playgroup asked the group to throw her a shower. Well, she more hinted strongly and someone took the bait. I thought it was rude because A) we don't do playgroup baby showers, and don't ask for a shower (especially for your THIRD). I didn't go just because of the principle of the matter.

bjhawco

I think if your asking someone you barely know or expecting them to front the cost or have it at their home that's a bit rude but I asked my friend who had a baby 2 years ago I threw her a shower now I'm a very open person she is very shy so knowing this I asked her if she would be comfortable throwing me a shower.. This is also my third and my middle child is 6 I did not have a shower with him I did with my first.. This time it's like new all over again so having a shower in my opinion is not that big of a deal.. So I think it depends on how you ask and who.. Btw I will be paying for everything and mostly doing everything as well as it will be in my home..

Ducktale

Whoa. This is crazy. People actually ask others to throw them a shower? No. Just...no.

bjhawco

I don't see the problem if your not asking them to pay for anything and you did it for them and honestly if one of good friends said hey would you throw me a bb shower I would say of course.. And since when do birthdays and baby showers run in the same group? Do you have games at a bday party or just ladies?? I don't see how they can compare

chickyclg

bjhawco said:

I don't see the problem if your not asking them to pay for anything and you did it for them and honestly if one of good friends said hey would you throw me a bb shower I would say of course.. And since when do birthdays and baby showers run in the same group? Do you have games at a bday party or just ladies?? I don't see how they can compare

@bjhawco

This whole topic goes back to etiquette and whats acceptable in your social circle.  I would never ask someone to throw me a shower, which is different than throwing your own shower and just putting someone's name down as "host", because they are paying for it in some way, shape, or form.   My family and my inlaws are throwing mine together because we are expecting about 150-200 people.  If I just randomly asked someone to throw me a shower that would be a huge expense.  Even for a smaller baby shower in somebody's house you are still putting that person out because they will feel like they are responsible for decorations, food, prizes for the games, and so on.  

In your previous comment it sounds like you are essentially just throwing your own shower with someone's name in the "host" slot, which as mentioned above is different than someone actually throwing the shower.  It is your house that you will be preparing, you purchasing decorations, you supplying food and drinks, and you purchasing prizes for the games that are possibly also planned by you.  

And if a friend just came up to me and asked, I would probably say yes, but not necessarily because I wanted to, but because I felt put on the spot.  

I think what @toamberroy was trying to express with her reference to a birthday party is this. If your parents came up to you out of the blue and offered to throw your child a birthday party, complete with cake, pizza, clown, games, and whatever else children have at parties is one thing, but to go to them and ask for all of the items previously mentioned is different.

Mrs. Zee

If you are paying for and doing pretty much everything, you are hosting your own shower. I could never ask someone to throw me a shower. I feel like Jaz's and similar situations are completely different when you know you have different groups of family or friends who want to throw or be involved in the shower planning-that is totally okay. Just up and asking someone to throw you a shower just because you threw them one (tit for tat in my book) is tacky.

mishka29

Opposite problem here...I was beggng my BFF to let me throw here a shower and she refused it. Rude I know but that's just how she rolls. Tonight we had a little dinner out with a small group and it was a surprise shower...because that's how I roll. We all chipped in and got her a few things from her registry. I think she was happy in the end and I'm glad I got to do something for her.

PippyLongstocking1

This brought up a question about 2nd showers I didn't realize I had! I think of a second shower as for a second child and I agree with the general board consensus on that. But I have family in two different states who want to throw me showers (both fairly small) and a good friend here where I live who wants to do a small brunch shower (only 4 ladies plus me). Does this put me in the category of having multiple showers (FTM) or am I in the clear?

krysmill

I'm just going to say...NO NO NO you just don't do that!

ordinary1

Yes multiple showers for a first baby are fine as long as none of the guests overlap.

It is extremely tacky and gross to ask someone to throw you a baby shower. Showers are not a rite of passage. If no one offers, you don't get one.

Paying for your own shower at all is also tacky. When the host offered to throw a shower she knew showers cost money and planned accordingly.

HerHighness

Yeah i think this is a troll.... Way to much tackfest for a real person.

bjhawco

Wow deffinitely done with this app.. Apparently it's not ok to comment if it's not what everyone else thinks.. I offered to pay bc I know she is tight on money she is planning everything, preparing everything and that's bc she wants to I asked her bc she is to shy to ask if she can or if I would want her to I know this bc she is one of my best friends.. Maybe it's the american way to bash others but have fun on your site and good luck in your pregnancies..!!

StephanieLBerg

bjhawco said:

Wow deffinitely done with this app.. Apparently it's not ok to comment if it's not what everyone else thinks.. I offered to pay bc I know she is tight on money she is planning everything, preparing everything and that's bc she wants to I asked her bc she is to shy to ask if she can or if I would want her to I know this bc she is one of my best friends.. Maybe it's the american way to bash others but have fun on your site and good luck in your pregnancies..!!

This is also the internet and not everyone NEEDS to have the same opinion as you. It sounds like you wanted us to approve of your mishap in order to feel less guilty and shady about it. But the fact remains that you didn't keep an open mind when coming onto this forum. I don't know you, haven't seen any posts from you before this one. And you just automatically assume that we're going to take you by the hand, give it a little pat, and tell you that what you did was ok and that you didn't know any better? Dream on cupcake! If you weren't actually looking for constructive and honest opinions about your actions, then the internet is no place for trollers like you.

Ladies, let's chock this one up as another drive by and move along!

ETA: words - it's late and I'm already cranky from baby playing kickboxing with my stomach and liver all night!

bjhawco

But it's ok for you all to call me a troll and judge me for sticking with my opinion? I have no problem reading and taking into consideration what you are all saying but I personally disagree and by disagreeing that makes me a bad person.. Or troll...? I commented on a post that was asking a question I answered the question with my opinion like the rest of you did and bc I personally feel differently I'm the bad person.. Internet can be good to it just depends on the people writing..

HailsMom

@bjhawco‌ no one called you a troll. They said the Original Poster was one because she posts discussions that are controversial and then never comes back. @mylazypony‌ gifts should never be MANDATORY! And finally @jaztastic‌, I don't take your situation as asking someone to host your party, you had people volunteer to do it, they just needed a little help with organizing- which isn't surprising if they are coming from different circles.

jennjilljo

bjhawco said:

But it's ok for you all to call me a troll and judge me for sticking with my opinion? I have no problem reading and taking into consideration what you are all saying but I personally disagree and by disagreeing that makes me a bad person.. Or troll...? I commented on a post that was asking a question I answered the question with my opinion like the rest of you did and bc I personally feel differently I'm the bad person.. Internet can be good to it just depends on the people writing..

You misunderstand, you're not the troll. The person being called the tell is the one who posted a controversial, drama inducing topic and had not since responded to questions or thoughts. Judging does happen here but it is to be expected on a public forum. The reason people responded to you with different opinions was to express why they think the way the do, not to demean you in anyway. There's no reason to feel like the bad guy for having a different opinion. Any comments to you were directed towards you so you wouldn't feel the others were judging you. This is the Internet do the direct language can come off as rude but people are very direct to cut down on confusion.

bjhawco

Ok well I apologize for assuming but i am new to the site and when they went from responding to me and then saying troll I automatically thought they meant me .. Thank you for clearing that up for me!

mylazypony

I would never ask someone I wasn't close with to throw a shower for me. I simply wanted help and asked two pals to organize it. Use my house and here's some cash to get it done. I asked to if they need anything from me and demanded I do nothing. So perhaps my situation is more of friends helping out, since it's not their home or their party favor cash? Also I know a lot my friends will make and bring food. So again maybe a different type shower? My friend and her husband had a similar shower, where it was coed, no games and they sent out evites. This is more of what I was aiming for. I guess different showers for different ladies. And yes I am aware that gifts are never mandatory.

jennjilljo

No problem. You should stick around because we're a lot of fun and this forum is great for support and advice. Certain topics just make it seem worse than it is. You can check out and contribute to the randoms thread. It's where we talk about our days and whatever thoughts pop up in our heads. Welcome aboard. I hope you stay.

AshleySparkle720

I have too large of a social circle to do 1 big shower. My bridal shower we did only 1 and there were like 70 people there....uh never again. So my best friend, my boss, and my mom have all asked to throw one. It's my first child and 3 seems extremely daunting ESPECIALLY because they all are planning for January. I think it's rude to ask for one, but if you have too many people asking to give one then pick a leader and let them all help out.

Mrs. Zee

Yeah, @AshleySparkle720‌, my best friend had 4 showers for the same reason: one at her work and her DH work (DH's work was a total surprise for her DH), a family one and one for a Junior League-type organization she is a part of. She didn't ask for any of them, just had a lot of really excited people who wanted to shower her! ">

HerHighness

bjhawco said:

But it's ok for you all to call me a troll and judge me for sticking with my opinion? I have no problem reading and taking into consideration what you are all saying but I personally disagree and by disagreeing that makes me a bad person.. Or troll...? I commented on a post that was asking a question I answered the question with my opinion like the rest of you did and bc I personally feel differently I'm the bad person.. Internet can be good to it just depends on the people writing..

Who called you a troll? I called the op a troll. I definitely think this post was made with the sole purpose of causing drama. (I.e. Trolling) i dont care if you have a different opinion and frankly i dont understand why you are upset. I didnt respond to your posts, i responded to hers.

HerHighness

bjhawco said:

Ok well I apologize for assuming but i am new to the site and when they went from responding to me and then saying troll I automatically thought they meant me .. Thank you for clearing that up for me!

Ahhh i see you understand now. Usually if someone is calling someone out they will tag you in post or quote you in their reply. Im sorry you assumed i was talking to you. I just think its fishy that this popped up right after we asked people not to post about baby showers 2 days ago and its from an unknown who only posts weird stuffs. That to me is someone trolling and trying to cause problems. You are allowed a difference of opinion here but big girl panties are required.