Don't even know how to respond (preg/baby mentioned...not mine) REALLY LONG....

Chasity08

**WARNING: This is RIDICULOUSLY long, and also mentions a pregnancy/child**

 

Ok...so I suppose this is my own fault for being too nice, or not setting boundaries, though I'm not really sure how. I should point out going in to this that this girl is pregnant.

So we got this new girl at work a couple of months ago. I KNOW her from going to high school together, but we were never friends, just acquaintances. So she got here, and she kind of attached herself to me, I assumed because she didn't know anyone else. I'm nice to her, we conversate daily, nothing serious, just more of a "how's it going? how's work? how's life?' though I avoided all talk of her pregnancy, and if it came up I was nice, but would politely steer the conversation in another direction, until my fertility became known, and then I just told her it made me uncomfortable to talk about. Now...about a month ago I had "came out" on facebook about my infertility. It was a personal decision that I made because I just kind of got tired of feeling like I had to hide it from everyone. Turned out to be a good decision (I think) and I got a lot of nice comments/messages and support, including a comment from her.

Now the comment started out very nice, saying she'd pray for me and all that, and then it got kind of weird with her saying that I was her best friend and the closest thing she had to family, and that I was like a niece to her unborn child...I was kind of weirded out because we just aren't close like that (I don't think anyways...we've never even spent time together outside of work), so I just kind of made a joke to ease the tension and moved on. But then she responded AGAIN being even creepier saying she wanted me to be the first person to hold her kid after it's born. I just ignored her and didn't respond because I found it weird. The next day all of my co-workers justified my feelings as they had all seen it and approached me about how weird it was.

Since then she has been kind of territorial with me at work, getting jealous if I go out to lunch with a co-worker or talk to a co-worker, so I have REALLY been distancing myself from her. I say good morning to her (as I do everyone), but I try to keep chit chat to a minimum because I feel like she is getting the wrong impression of our relationship. But then yesterday afternoon it went WAY far, and I don't even know how we got here...

Now this girl is in my department, I am her lead, and then we share the same boss. Yesterday I receive an email from my boss (we're pretty close so we talk openly so she felt comfortable having this conversation with me) asking if I knew that Amber had asked her (my boss) if I could take time off of work when she has her baby so that I can be in the delivery room with her.

What in the ever loving hell......Where did this even come from? I have never, not once, talked to her about wanting to be with her during her delivery. She has actually mentioned me coming to see her in the hospital (during one of her creepy moments) and I actually blatantly told her that I would not feel comfortable with that most likely because of my situation, but that I would be thinking about her and wishing the best for her. My boss told me that my co-worker had expressed that she doesn't have any family or friends to support her and I'm the closest thing she has. My boss told me that she wasn't sure how to respond, and she was unaware at this point that I had no idea, so she told her that as long as we had coverage in the department and I was on board with that then it shouldn't be a problem. So now this girl is planning on talking to me about this (is what she told my boss anyways). 

Skip some of the other details about me and my boss' conversation....I am so upset by this. First of all, I have never expressed ANY interest or desire to be a part of her delivery. I have actually expressed my intense DISINTEREST in being a part of it in my opinion. And she KNOWS about my fertility stuff because of not only opening up on FB, but also because I've missed quite a bit of time at work, so everyone kind of knew the basics of what was going on for a while (without any specifics, but they knew I was seeking fertility treatment). So my view on this is that if she somehow feels that we are SO CLOSE that I should be in the delivery room with her, wouldn't we then be close enough that she would know how inappropriate it is to even ASK for me to be in there seeing as the situation that I am in? But that's the thing...we're NOT. We're not close, I don't consider us friends, and I don't know how she got that impression. And secondly, I am really upset that she went behind my back, and went to MY BOSS, to ask for me to take time off. That could potentially hurt my professional reputation by making it look like I have to have someone else ask for time off for me and handle my situations. Which I do not. My boss understands the situation and I know she doesn't think badly of me, but it's just the point that it COULD have turned out that way, and I work really hard to have a great professional reputation.

So now I am just waiting for my co-worker to approach me about it, and I've been trying to figure out how to respond in a way that will 1) tell her no without being completely rude but 2) is harsh enough to let her know how absolutely inappropriate she is being. And I also clearly have to completely break ties with this girl (though there are really no ties to break seeing as how I really only have a friendly professional relationship with her, as I do ALL of my co-workers) because she is a little bit delusional it seems about things, and I want to let her know my intentions of that as well.

I know this was ridiculously long, and I apologize, but this is just eating at me and really upset me and I just had to get it off my chest before I explode.

Chasity08

GinnyJones82 said:

I have no advice to give on how to deal with her, but I want to wish you the best of luck!!  She gives me the impression that there is a secret room in her home full of photos of you.  All in true creeper fashion.  Maybe after she has her baby she won't come back to work!

I try so hard to not let my personal feelings affect my decisions at work, but she was KINDA on her way out anyways, and we weren't sure if we wanted to keep her past her maternity leave...but I honestly think this is just too much to not affect my feelings towards her. I think I will be pushing to let her go. I honestly feel so uncomfortable even being around her at this point knowing how far this has gotten.

I know I should feel at fault for this, because nothing is one-sided, but I just don't know how this happened!

What's up with this town...first my stupid friend from growing up and now this nut job at my work.

jencity9

Yikes! That is creepy but also sad. It sounds like she definitely has some boundary issues... At the very least. Do you feel comfortable sitting for and having a talk with her about your relationship? Or maybe with your boss? I mean you haven't even hung out outside of work?? I'm really sorry you're in such an uncomfortable situation!!

dancerspose

Whoa, I don't know what to say other than, whoa!  Clearly subtlely will not get the job done with this woman.  It almost sounds as though she has some possible psychological issues as well - stalking, or attachment disorder or something - I'm not expert.

I wish you the best of luck.  Unfortunately I think you need to just be brutally honest with her.  Maybe come to the conversation armed with some information about a support she could join, maybe something for single mothers (assuming she's single if she wants you in the delivery room ans says she has no family).  Although that could also be seen as a really friendly thing to do and could backfire...

Yeah, that wasn't very helpful, sorry, I've got nothing...

lisa89760

wow that's crazy!  I don't know how I handle that.  Good Luck!

My friend at work had something similar but just that this lady's daughter called her Aunt even though she had never met her and she got yelled at by this lady for not coming back to school shopping.  

Chasity08

jencity9 said:

Yikes! That is creepy but also sad. It sounds like she definitely has some boundary issues... At the very least. Do you feel comfortable sitting for and having a talk with her about your relationship? Or maybe with your boss? I mean you haven't even hung out outside of work?? I'm really sorry you're in such an uncomfortable situation!!

My boss said the same, that I just need to talk to her and be brutally honest. Right now I'm just struggling with: do I wait for her to approach me? Or should I just approach her and be like "hey...I know you talked to boss about this and I want to address it." I'm just scared she will approach me at a really bad time and I'll either A) freeze up and not be as harsh as I need to be or it'll be a bad time and I'll go off on the girl. ...

......And then she might kill me.....

jencity9

Chasity08 said:

jencity9 said:

Yikes! That is creepy but also sad. It sounds like she definitely has some boundary issues... At the very least. Do you feel comfortable sitting for and having a talk with her about your relationship? Or maybe with your boss? I mean you haven't even hung out outside of work?? I'm really sorry you're in such an uncomfortable situation!!

My boss said the same, that I just need to talk to her and be brutally honest. Right now I'm just struggling with: do I wait for her to approach me? Or should I just approach her and be like "hey...I know you talked to boss about this and I want to address it." I'm just scared she will approach me at a really bad time and I'll either A) freeze up and not be as harsh as I need to be or it'll be a bad time and I'll go off on the girl. ...

......And then she might kill me.....

I think you should initiate it.. I'm sort I laughed at that last comment.. But be careful for real!! Lol

Chasity08

Buttmonkey34 said:

I just keep imagining Single White Female.  Sorry you are dealing with that, not sure what I would do either, but girl needs to get set straight somehow.

Apparently I need to look up this movie because my boss mentioned it as well. I'm assuming it will be funny to me, so maybe I should so I can make light of this haha

Chasity08

triathlete23 said:

Oh my goodness...what a situation! She sounds very lonely, and definitely with some significant boundary issues. Does she have a partner/boyfriend/husband? I wonder what their thoughts would be regarding her inviting you into the delivery room?

 

I guess the father of her unborn child is not in the picture. She goes back and forth with him so I guess she has decided to not have him in the delivery room.

It's just a ridiculously unhealthy situation for everyone involved, in my opinion.

Emma61210

WOWZA!!! Thats crazy.  So sorry you're having to deal with her.  I don't have any advice because I am the least confrontational person you'll ever meet.  It would be so hard to be blunt with her about it.  Hope you can find a way to talk to her!! She is cray cray!!!! lol!

Hollowvic

I agree with what someone else said, it's creepy but also sad. Sounds like she has emotional problems. I'd slowly distance myself from her, you don't want to just cut her off, never know what someone like that might do? I would tell her you're sorry but I can't be there when you're child is born, don't go into detail. If it doesn't stop or gets worse, maybe tell you're boss. Then you might have to get to the point, but see if doing it nicely works first, for your own safety and sanity.

Pintobean39

Fatal attraction????

She sounds BSC, and I think you really need to confront her now about going to your boss, not cool. I'm sorry you are dealing with that crazy person.

dancerspose

I don't think my "replies" are working so I'm going to C&P from your post @Chasity08:

"I try so hard to not let my personal feelings affect my decisions at work, but she was KINDA on her way out anyways, and we weren't sure if we wanted to keep her past her maternity leave...but I honestly think this is just too much to not affect my feelings towards her. I think I will be pushing to let her go. I honestly feel so uncomfortable even being around her at this point knowing how far this has gotten."

I don't know what you do, but if you decide no to bring her back I don't really think it's a decision driven totally by your personal feelings.  I mean, she's cearly unstable in some way, and it makes perfect sense

shirleymaeby

OMG, I am so sorry.  This all sounds incredibly uncomfortable.  PPs have given some really good advice so I'm just dropping in to agree she is BSC.  Like, whoa.

BunnyBerry

That's straight-up mental illness. I would talk frankly with your boss and/or HR right from the get-go to protect yourself, and keep records of anything that happens. 

It is always possible for her to go waaaay over the line in ways that seriously impact your life, especially once she realizes that you are pushing her away - but don't let that stop you from pushing her away, because she will feed on your need to be polite and not hurt her feelings.

This is from my mom, a psychiatric social worker.

lebradford

Holy shit. That is crazy. I agree with @BunnyBerry, I think there is something wrong with her.

I think you should obviously try to be polite since you have to work with her, but I'd approach her first and set her straight. Let her know that you weren't comfortable with her asking your boss about your work schedule, and that you can't make it to her delivery. Maybe you could soften the blow by giving her a web address for a doula or something?? I'd also definitely unfriend her on Facebook, and just generally distance yourself from her by not going to lunch with her (one-to-one anyway) and things like that.

Crap. Good luck. I'd be interested to hear how she takes it if you confront her.

Chasity08

Thank you for all of the replies ladies. It's been an interesting time so work because I of course do not want to discuss this at work, but wasn't sure when to bring it up (because I honestly don't talk to her outside of work). But I think I may take @Rumbera28‌ 's suggestion and write it all down.

I talked to my boss about it again today to make sure this would not affect any of us professionally and while talking about speaking to her about it my boss mentioned how she had watched me speak frankly with my co Worker before and that my co worker tends to just space out almost when I start speaking to her, like there is just nothing going on in her head. And after she said that....it made complete sense because she really HAS done that many times. So talking with her would probably go terribly.

Thank you again for all of your responses.

theholmanherd

iPutKetchupOnKetchup said:

This reminds me of The Roomate. Her behavior is scary. 

The first thing I'd do is unfriend her from FB. I give it 24 hours or less for her to figure out that you did so and when she approaches you about why, and she will, I'd use it as a segue into a conversation about her alarming behavior and as an opportunity to re-iterate your relationship is strictly professional and apologize if you somehow led her to believe otherwise. If unfriending her on FB and having a conversation about her psychotic unprofessional behavior do not put an end to it, then you need to go to HR or to your boss. She is either grossly mistaken about the depth of your relationship or she truly is obsessed with you. The former should be resolved by a conversation, whereas the latter will require you to get assistance from another source (HR, your boss, the police, etc.) as it will only get worse (and more dangerous) for you. 

Yes. All of this. Unfriending her is key. In fact, for now, if you haven't already, I would unfriend all coworkers and claim you are trying to separate work and private life. If all this doesn't work, change you fb name and change your profile and cover photos to something that doesn't identify you directly. Best of luck. I hope she doesn't know where you live....

Radiantly

Hi. Wow. I have some advice and it's more of a specific meditation you can do to cut the cord and establish a boundary. I have studied energy healing and one major technique is what I'm going to lay out. I actually am just going to paste it because I sent it to a friend who was having stalking issues from someone. I have use it myself and it is very powerful. She has "corded" you energetically. You have to cut te cord and it is simple. She is trying to suck energy from you because she feels empty herself. This exercise both allows you to take back your power and gifts her back her own, and she will likely pull back. Please try it and let us know what happens. I have seen immediate reaction where the stalker senses something has changed and reaches out via phone or email. Literally right after this meditation. She will be confused but it will pass. You will feel more in control again. Here it is:

1. imagine you are in a place, surrounded by nothing. dark space. maybe you are on a hilltop.
2. the person with whom you are summoning comes into view.
3. you are surrounded by a ring of fire, so that you are protected. this person cannot come past the fire boundary.
4. when she is close, you are now able to cut the cord. physically imagine weilding a sword, or a feather, or a stick of light ß whatever seems natural to you. cut the cords between you.
5. then, demand your energy back. take back your energy from her. you have unwillingly, or perhaps i should say, perhaps willingly, unconsciously, given her parts of your power. it is very common in relationships. not a big deal, it happens all the time if you are not aware. the energy might be light, heavy, bright, dark, etc. just notice.
6. vice versa, give her back her energy. i usually saw it in the form of gloopy black gross slime - ha! whatever form you see it in, get it all out of you.
7. when you feel sufficiently separated, all the energetic goop back in its rightful place, or at least as good as you can make it for now, declare it separated.
8. give her a ball of light to replace the energy-power that you took back. otherwise she will feel the lack, and perhaps come to you very needy or a difficult situation.
9. finish by having her leave you surrounded by your circle of fire. i imagine the fire actually stretching upwards well above my head. its good to finish by thinking of a waterfall or swimming through water, for an energetic cleansing.

dominicandreamer

I agree with pp, this sounds like you have a stalker.  This is super creepy.  

Sounds like you have to be brutally honest with her because she obviously doesn't understand boundaries.  I would start by removing her from FB so that your personal life and professional life are separate.  

You'll have to tell us how it turns out when you do talk.  

So, creepy.  

steen9713

First off: how freaking creepy! Second : I'd be blunt and honest, and maybe have the discussion. With your boss or HR so they can place an end to her madness and they can reinforce how inappropriate that is. Third: best of luck!!