Pity Party of 1

kefttsc

I know this is an emotional time for all of us, and pity parties seem to be my number one specialty today, but I figured most FTMs are going through similar conversations with their husbands and wanted to collaborate (bitch).  

I really feel like we aren't on the same page about anything, and it is really starting to stress me out and bring me down.  

1. He thinks it is fine for the whole world to come to appointments and the delivery room.  Me, not so much.

2. He wants a full time live in nanny who helps with everything from babies to chores to his work stuff (realtor). I want someone just during the day because I'm uncomfortable even having a maid working while I sit here at the computer.  I work from home, so having someone in my home 24 hours a day seems claustrophobic.

3. He thinks it is fine for my mother to pick every outfit for our kids for the next year, "after all they are helping pay for college".  I got annoyed that she wasn't asking for my input on take home outfits, christening gowns, etc.  I'm 35 and have been trying for these babies for 5 years.  I want to make some decisions. (I spoke with my mom and simply told her that I was excited about those things too and that I'd like some input.  She was great with it.  Until I got a text from my cousin today saying that mom was upset still.)

I feel like I'm failing and not doing this pregnancy how the family wants me to.  I know that sounds dramatic, but it's SO how I feel.

I am trying to calmly explain my reasoning behind my wishes, but feel it's falling on deaf ears.  I explained that some things are really important to me, and some aren't.  I've tried to be considerate with things he is passionate about, but apparently that isn't all it takes.  (He wants a certain kind of monitor and I researched all sorts of configurations to make it work for us.  Long story.)

I'm sure some of you are having these conversations (maybe not about your mom sewing), and wanted to know how you deal with it. Thanks for coming to my pity party.  I'm going to go blow my nose again.

ETA: More complaining.

jennjilljo

DH was the same way about the baby monitor. It was the only thing he really wanted to help with since I was "doing the rest just fine without" him. I gave up the really expensive stuff I wanted to pay way to much for a baby monitor that he loved and I felt like it for him more on board with doing things our way. MIL tried in the beginning to impose her will but I was firm and, while I'm sure the ready of the family heard a ton about it, I ignored the drama and it went away. My MIL may be more easy going than others but it worked out. My own mom wanted to help which included buying me things I didn't want or need. She still has a high chair that had never been used because I stay with my grandma when I visit.

It's OK to put what you want for your children first. They did this once already and now is your turn. Other people want to be involved and will get upset but they will also eventually calm down and come around. If they don't then they're the ones missing out on greatness.

Wimcgrath

I understand where you're coming from. It's an emotional and overwhelming time. I completely agree with you about having someone 24 hours a day... Seems a bit extreme. No offense, but your husband seems like he's going a bit overboard and doesn't get it. You've waited a long time for your babies and you deserve to be more involved/ have a say in everything. I have no real advice, but just wanted you to know your feelings are completely in the right. I hope you can talk to your hubby about this and get him to see your viewpoint. Good luck!

ckimberley14

jennwilhoite said: *snip*  It's OK to put what you want for your children first. They did this once already and now is your turn. Other people want to be involved and will get upset but they will also eventually calm down and come around. If they don't then they're the ones missing out on greatness.

This. It's your turn now, and everyone else needs to let you be the mother, mom, the one person in the world carrying and giving birth to your LOs. I'm sorry you're having your wishes just flat-out ignored and/or brushed aside. Can't imagine having to deal with that, especially after trying for so long. Hugs. Maybe you can sit your DH down for a good talk about how you're feeling? I mean, I hope he would listen to you and take a step back and look at how his decisions should be your decisions, too. I'm sure his intentions are to do what he thinks is best for your children, but at the same time, he needs to acknowledge and value your ideas and feelings about this topic, too. It's a team effort.

foxslaw

Really sorry to hear that! Boys are boneheads! Hope you guys can maybe have a date night & reconnect.

MrsH11710

Sorry you are going through this. I have a comment on #3. My MIL wanted to buy my DD's outfits for all her major "firsts" (Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, etc.). I was really hurt when she would come over with the dress that she picked up without asking my opinion or asking if I was planning to buy anything. I told my husband how important it was for me to have a say in these special moments. So we told my MIL not to purchase anything without our knowing, and if she did then we wouldn't be able to promise her that DD would wear the dress for that particular event. She continued to buy her dresses a few more times then stopped when she realized that we were serious. I definitely let MIL know when we'd like her assistance, but it's not fair for her to take away that experience from me when it was important to me. Good luck.

aubreyglaridon

I have a post about having people in the delivery room, specifically the mother in law, if you read the comments you will feel 100% better about your decision to not have her or anyone else in there! It will be my husband and most likely your mom. There is no shame in wanting to keep things private and intimate! People just don't understand

aubreyglaridon

Correction***my mom hahaha don't know why it changed to your

PippyLongstocking1

That is a tough situation, I'm so sorry you are dealing with all of that. I don't have the same experiences but I have been dealing with money stress (insurance deductibles and delivery costs) from my H. I feel like every time I start to get excited about the pregnancy/baby he gets all worked up and makes me upset. So not the same but I know how sad and emotional all of this is so I just wanted you to know you're not alone. I hope things smooth out for you and people start realizing it's your baby, your family, your choices. Try to remember, it's not your job to make them happy!!

Maple403

Your situation sounds very frustrating. I'm not in the same situation- my DH, mom, and MIL have been very considerate so far. This will probably change since my mom is the most domineering person in the world, but for now I think she is trying to humor me. My advice is to have a heart to heart with your H, and then, as others have said, you'll have to put your foot down. It sounds like everyone around you is very excited for the baby, which is great, but they need to honor your opinions and wishes.

kefttsc

You ladies are so sweet.  Thank you so much for the support.  I'm glad to know that my feelings are not ridiculous and that I am not mistaken in that I need to be listened to.  I knew that, but I needed to be validated.  I think I'm just feeling like if we can't make a decision about a nanny together, then how will we make decisions about other things together?  We have the same morals/values, etc, so that part is easy, but I'm just worried.  I'm sure it will all be just fine, but these thoughts keep creeping in.   

(((hugs))) to all of you and you have no idea how I appreciate you.

lizzybean

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. 

You really need to sit down with DH and discuss the boundaries of your MIL. I dealt with this to a certain extent with Ella. She bought all of these holiday clothes without telling me and expected to see her in them every holiday. Luckily, we live in another country, so DH and I would dress her in them, take a pic, then take the uncomfortable poofy dress off and put her in normal clothes.

You and DH need to take a stand. Not too confrontational, just tell her the facts. These are your babies and your choices are what come first. Good luck hun!!

jaztastic

I just want to give you a big hug! I have a pretty animated larger than life personality, so IRL I don't get pushed around much, but I simply can not handle all of my moms shenanigans right now. I really feel for you.

Beth.1212

I think you sound very reasonable. You're not failing, and quite frankly, I don't think that your family gets to have an opinion about how you're supposed to be feeling. As long as you're polite and respectful and trying to accommodate others' wishes while not giving up on all of the things that are important to you, they really have no right to complain. At least, that's my opinion. 

1. It's your doctor's appointment and your delivery. You get to say who is there and who is not. End of story. This isn't entertainment, you know?! If it were me, I'd tell DH that I was just not comfortable with XYZ being there, though I'd be happy to [talk to them about any new developments / have them visit once we were settled in recovery / insert whatever seems reasonable here], and I hoped he understood. If he said he didn't and continued to REALLY push for a while, I'd point out that they were my medical appointments and medical events, and ultimately the hospital staff would follow my directions on who could or could not be there, and I would be telling them only to allow ABC to enter. That's sort of the nuclear option, though, and I'd only use it if he was being really thick and I was at the end of my rope. 

2. That's a tough one. I think that both you and your DH have a point. It's one of those things where you have to figure out which of you would be more negatively affected if he/she didn't get his/her way and who this issue is more important to. Good luck! (Would some sort of compromise work here? Maybe the nanny can stay over one or two nights a week and help out a bit more. BTW, are you sure that you'll even be able to find someone who's willing to take care of the kids, do chores, and act as your DH's support staff? That seems like a lot for one person. If you can't find someone willing to fill that role, then you "win" by default.) 

3. I don't see how your Mom could be hurt that you want to have input on that stuff. I'm not saying that she's not hurt, I just can't follow why she would be. To me, it's obvious that you'd want input. I picked out my DS's coming-home outfit and I wouldn't even let my Mom pay for it, because I really wanted it to be from me. She totally understood. No real advice here on dealing with Mom, just sympathy, because I'm not sure where your Mom is coming from. Oh, but I wouldn't even try to get DH to understand why you want input. In my experience, that stuff just isn't very important to guys. I just tell DH that sort of thing is important to me, and he accepts that it is even though he doesn't feel the same way. 

kefttsc

jaztastic said:

I just want to give you a big hug! I have a pretty animated larger than life personality, so IRL I don't get pushed around much, but I simply can not handle all of my moms shenanigans right now. I really feel for you.

I typically do too, and I think that is why I'm having so much trouble to be honest.  Normally, I don't really care what they think when it comes to my choices, but I really feel like I need to take DH's feelings into consideration in this situation since they are his kids too. 

I really thought that stuff with me and my mom was great.  I expressed to her that buying and making stuff super early was hard for me, and that if she was going to do it, please let's don't discuss it.  After a loss, the first few months are hard, and she was REALLY understanding and we had a great talk.  Most recently, we discussed the baby clothes and how I wanted to be a part of the decisions too, because I was excited too.  We talked about smocking, colors, etc.  All was great.  I THOUGHT.  Until my cousin texts me yesterday.  I can hear it now.  Mom: "She doesn't want me to make anything unless she approves it."  It really hurts me that she is saying these things, but if you knew my mom, she is a constant pity party (she has a few chronic diseases that often give her the right to pity party honestly, but it's become a HORRID habit).  

Part of me says KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.  Part of me says, in the words of the adorable child on Mrs. Doubtfire, "They are my GD kids too!"

kefttsc

@Beth.1212 you are a genius!!!

BTW, are you sure that you'll even be able to find someone who's willing to take care of the kids, do chores, and act as your DH's support staff? That seems like a lot for one person. If you can't find someone willing to fill that role, then you "win" by default.) 

This.  Maybe I can win by default.  "Honey, let's look for someone."  Then nobody is the right fit......

In regards to #3, I think it comes down to the fact that my mom can't physically help much with the babies and she is searching for ways to help otherwise.  I've worked really hard to come up with lists of things I will need her for when/if I am on bedrest, when the babies come, etc.  She's a tough cookie but really appreciated it!  I think maybe I need to focus more on this........