Mother in Law issue. Needing advice.
JuliaB317
member
So my MIL and I are VERY different people. It's pretty hard for us to see eye to eye on much, and I feel like our values are on opposite ends of the spectrum. Throughout my ten years of dating/marriage to her son, I've shrugged a lot of things off, and just kept my mouth shut, but I have more worries these days because in ten short weeks I'll be delivering her first grandchild.
I want to know if I'm hormonal, and over-reacting, or – if not – how would people suggest I deal with this situation?
I worry she's a bit neglectful and careless with kids. I know babies aren't made of glass, but I worry about her injuring my child. Let me give you a background.
When I met my husband, his family always joked about how injured he was as a baby and child. He has about seven scars, and he got all of them when he was a baby/toddler/little child. His mom told me he would get them from tripping over his sister, falling into tables, etc. He required stitches a few times, and had a black eye in his kindergarten photo. I didn't think much of it until I realized he's not a clumsy adult. He's never had any kind of injury as a teen or grown up.
Then I saw my MIL play with a cousin's baby, and she was tossing it around with very little awareness of space. She ended up hitting the baby's head off a table. Furthermore, that same visit, I noticed that she neglects to feed her cat. I had to fill the cat's water, and it drank for the longest time. Her fish tank is filthy, and she refuses to walk her puppy, so she just puts in in the back yard. But then she wont clean up the poop, and jokes that her back yard has “landmines”. Sure enough, there's poop every three steps. She's quite overweight, and I worry that her weight problem means she just neglects a lot of things. I imagine my little one falling down a flight of stairs because she'd put it on the floor and then just sit down at her computer.
I know she loves us, and loves this baby, but I worry she's absent-minded and careless. It's not that I don't want her to see and hold the baby, I just don't want her to look after our child without me there. I can see this being an issue, because I plan on having my Mom/Stepdad as well as my FIL (they're divorced ) look after our kids without us present.
To give you an example of her bad decision making, I'll tell you this one story. Last year, she proudly told me about her trip to Cuba with other divorced girlfriends. She said she met a sexy young man in his 20s (she's 53) and he wanted to go back to her room for sex. They planned a time, but he never showed. She saw him again, he apologized, and invited her to his home about 45 min away from the resort (again, she proudly told me it was for sex). It took her girlfriends actively stopping her from going with this young stranger - in a foreign country - to a secondary location. I'm all for older women having sex lives, but this is crazy, right?!?
I feel like her choices will worry me. I kind of want to have a talk with my hubby about her, and how I want to put stricter restrictions on her than the other parents. Is that fair???
Thanks in advance.
Re: Mother in Law issue. Needing advice.
I gave a few examples, but I should clarify, I'm not judging based on SOLE examples, but more using them as examples of things I've started to notice are recurring.
I'm sorry if I came off critical of her weight. I do worry for her weight because she has health issues, and I hope that she can take better care of herself. I mentioned the weight because I do notice it deters her from doing things that would be helpful and beneficial sometimes. I would like her to be healthier for herself and family is all.
True, the sex thing is OT. I do worry for her judgement though, that's all I meant. And she has been meeting people online for sex, so I just wish there was a way to talk to her about safety in general. Safety when it comes to both herself and family. She doesn't really listen to other people though, she just does what she wants. That's why I thought it might be a convo with my hubby.
I am getting the sense that I should hold off on a talk with my hubby for now though, cross any sort of bridge when we get there. That sounds good. I will try and just put it out of my mind for now. Take things a day at a time!
Thanks for everyone's input!
I do think, however, that you could be overreacting slightly and let me tell you why. A couple weeks ago I was obsessed with my in-law's annoying, untrained dog. I was absolutely convinced that the dog was going to bite the baby when she starts toddling around. Long story short there, the dog will be fine as long as she doesn't get cornered. But for that week it was nearly all I could think about and I was trying to find a way to tell my in laws that they had to get the dog some socialization and training (even without my obsessive thoughts, that would be an excellent idea for them) or I wasn't going to trust the dog around the baby.
A couple weeks later I am still annoyed by the dog, and will keep a close eye on her during visits until she gets used to the baby, but I'm not worried about it.
Is my worry about the dog as important as your worry about leaving your baby with an unattentive grandma? No, but I think that crazy preggo hormones can make us obsess over things and blow them out of proportion and that's the example that I've experienced.
As far as your hubs being all bruised up as a kid- some kids are just that way. I managed to knock out not one, but TWO of my baby teeth in separate incidents (tripped on a shoelace, kicked in the face on the playground), break my arm, get road rash bad enough it was xrayed, and a multitude of other injuries. Some of us are just 'bruisers' as some people call them.
My advice would be to sit back and watch for a little while during family visits and worry about unsupervised visits later.
-Laundry needs to be done
-Toys on the floor
-There are some dishes in my sink
-I have a few items past expiration in my fridge
-I need to dust and my son has asthma
-My 18 month old has a cheek shiner from his Grammy's table chasing his sibling
-My 4 year old has a scraped chin from the porch
Yep I am a bad mom, call CPS
*no in reality this is all part of having kids to some extent. I am 8 months pregnant with our 3rd. Kids gets hurt, houses get dirty, children are clumsy. My 60 year old mom is overweight and is guilty of a lot of these things even lazy in her own life and really she is the BEST Grammy ever. She cares for my kids like no ones business. You shouldn't judge until you see her in action with your child.
If you don't like how she is with your baby when baby comes then just don't leave her unattended.
I feel like because she's been nasty and unfair to me in the past, I might be focusing on the negatives and preparing myself for her to be a bad grandma. But you're right, that hasn't happened yet, and maybe I will have nothing to worry about!
This has helped set my mind at ease. I will definitely not think on it right now, and only consider a talk if something happens in the future.
1) As someone that has genuine reasons to dislike her in laws, I get it. It is hard to separate real issues that should be concerning from issues that are really just nitpicking. My DD is almost 3 and I still find myself having to examine things closely to determine if something is really and issue or if it is something I am making an issue because of my dislike.
2) The woman is an adult and can have as much sex with other adults as she wants. I say good for her.
3) Give her a chance. Maybe you will decide the baby cannot be around her alone, or maybe you will be surprised. And toddlers are clumsy. My kid falls all the time.
First, I would say trust your husband. I'm sure he loves him mother, but adult children also, at least most of the time, know their parents. He knows if any accidents that happened to him or siblings or other children when he was younger occurred due to true neglect OR just kids being kids. If you trust your husband, you have to trust he would not put your child in a situation where he, himself, is hesitant or worried about LOs well-being.
Ditto others - according to my H and everyone I know - I'm a total chopper mom with DS. I feel like I've become much more laid back personally, but despite me feeling like I'm over-aware of where he is, what he's doing - he has a mark, bump, scratch, etc. everyday. I've been two steps behind him and he's run, tripped, and banged himself up. At school, he's managed to hit the same exact spot on his left eyebrow at least 5 times, one time I had to take him for stitches. Kids are kids - even if you're right next to them they find a way to get some sort of injury.
You don't have to leave your child with anyone alone, whether you are comfortable or not. There is a lot of anxiety as a FT mom, it does get better with time. I love my MIL, my ILs are way more laid back than I am though. However my MIL watches and interacts with DS like a hawk, because I do. See if MIL follows your lead. It will be a while before you'd want to leave a newborn with anyone so you can cross that bridge when you get to it and see how she does while you are around.
The one-night stand story is just odd for a MIL to tell you - but I would think she must be incredibly open/honest with you to share that type of a story? Maybe that means she's not the type to hide things from you which can be a bonus - what you see is what you get. Your poor H if he had to listen to this story about his mom!
As a recovering anorexic/bulimic, overweight doesn't mean unhealthy just like skinny doesn't mean healthy.