*pregnancy mentioned* Oblivious/insensitive friend towards struggling with infertility friend

rebecca+matt

Hi all, I'm going to come right out and say I know this may not be any of my business so please feel free to tell me I should keep my nose out of this business! I have two friends; one has been struggling with infertility for a long time and all our group of gals knows this. The other friend got pregnant on the first try. We were all genuinely happy for her, but she talks about pregnancy non-stop. For some it can be mildly annoying, but for the friend who knows she's never going to experience this, it's awful. She's shared separately that it kills her when this other friend goes on and on about her nursing classes, holding people's hand against her belly, etc. Its quite astonishing the things the pregnant friend says/ does knowing there's a close friend hurting nearby. My question is: should I just stay out of this or tell the insensitive friend how this is coming across? I really don't think she's aware of how much she's hurting this other friend. I'd want someone to tell me if my actions were hurting someone, but I also know this is between them. Please help!

Pintobean39

I know someone like your insensitive friend, I use to be friends with her but it's just to hard for me so I'm not anymore.

This being said I would "love" if one of my other friends spoke up to her and told her how much of a bitch she has been to me. In my situation it would do no good but in your situation I'm maybe it would help your friend that's struggling.

I think a lot of times people don't realize how their actions are so hurtful.

shirleymaeby

I say tell her.  She probably has no idea how much she is hurting your friend and I know I'd love it if some of my friends would tell insensitive people where to put it.

TTCBabyJ

I would definitely say something to the pregnant friend. I think you are such an awesome friend for standing up for your other friend. I personally think coming from you maybe better for your pregnant friend to see how insensitive she is being.

theholmanherd

Tell her. If the friend said something, Miss Pregnancy Queen may consider her to just be super sensitive. If YOU say something, maybe she will realize how much of a problem it is. I would be gentle, but definitely speak up.

rebecca+matt

Ok, so here's the next question..... How do I tell her? If she had ever been out right mean I would have called her out on the spot. She's just been very insensitive, unintentionally I'm sure. Plus she's super sensitive.... Oy vey, what's the right way to do this?

OhMyKittens

If she's super sensitive, I would opt for a one on one conversation in person. What's the dynamic between the two of you?

I wish one of my friends could do this for me.

rebecca+matt

We're pretty close - close enough that she's been snarky with me then apologized profusely about it, saying it's because we're close! This is a sweet girl, really, she's just very oblivious, and once she finds out she's been hurting someone she'll be absolutely devastated.  I don't want to be the messenger...but someone's got to.
Let me ask this, (OhMyKittens) if I could speak for you, what would you want me to say?
What are those topics that are ok and those that bring pain? I love both these girls so much and I know they love each other too.  I want to tread this carefully and with love.

theholmanherd

rainbowbridge14 said:

I would just take her aside and explain it to her one-on-one, maybe over a cup of coffee or something. I have a friend kind of like this who is really oblivious but the sweetest person ever. She always feels bad when we point out that something she did may have hurt someone else or made them feel awkward. Its probably also good to phrase it as you know she is not trying to be hurtful but the circumstances are making it hard since you said she is sensitive. 

For something I would want said for me:

" I know you are super excited about your pregnancy and we are all so happy for you. However, I do think it is really hard for <<friend>> to hear while dealing with infertiltiy. Its not that she is not happy for you, but your happy news reminds her of the sadness she is dealing with and can be very difficult to deal with. There are likely a lot of times where talking about your pregnancy will be hard for her and I think to avoid that maybe we as a group should try and be sensitive to that." 

I agree with all of this.

williegsocks

I have a friend like this and I would absolutely LOVE for someone to say something to her.  I can't stand to be around her when she is acting so selfishly and being so insensitive.  I would talk to her.  I would do it in a kind and respectful way and maybe mention that you don't think she's doing it on purpose, but you are just looking out for the other friend.  I spoke to my insensitive friend a week ago about my heartbreaking news of not being pregnant when I honestly thought that I FINALLY was.  While I was telling her this she was tearing up.  A good sign right?  I mean it means she's sympathizing with me, right?  Wrong!  She cut me off at the end of my story and said word for word "I really think I'm pregnant (they have been trying for a month and a half now) because your story is making me tear up and feel so emotional."  Of course!  You MUST be pregnant because there's no way that my extreme heartache and sadness could be causing you pain!  

Sorry about the rant...long story short I would say something.  Your friend deserves someone to take up for her and speak for her when she can't.  

OhMyKittens

I agree with @rainbowbridge14 and @theholmanherd.

I'd also want someone to say:

"Sometimes OhMyKittens has bad days, and talking about pregnancy on those days is particularly rough. Ask how she's doing. She may need to talk to someone and doesn't know how to start the conversation."

rebecca+matt

Thank you all so much for your feedback. This is great. DaydreamSam thank you so much for that link, it's got tons of great info.
Also, thanks for being so open.  Pray this conversation goes well and is well received!!! Any more input or suggestions would be appreciated

BunnyBerry

Say something! Sometimes the more it hurts someone, the harder it is to stand up for themselves because they're so hurt it makes them feel weak. 

I would almost want to first get on the same page with the rest of the friend group, and then all together stand up for the friend with IF when the group is together. Just to send the message loud and clear, since I'm sure many pregnant women talk too much about their own condition even for friends who aren't dealing with IF!

catlover790

Everyone already gave great ways to talk with your friend. I just want to say thank you for being a great friend to both of your friends but especially to recognize your friend who is dealing with IF! I hope the conversation goes well!

iLoveMyPups

I know someone EXACTLY like your pregnant friend.... but it gets even worse... Last weekend she announced that she is pregnant with her 2nd! The first baby isn't even 8 months yet... So now we all have to hear about baby #1 and the baby she is like 5 minutes pregnant with  8-|

I actually did confront her because one of our other friends has PCOS and IF for the past 5 years and when she announced it to us I could tell that friend got upset. So later on I just said I think Katie got upset, maybe try not to bring it up for a few days... She just said Oh well if she can't be happy for me then I'm not talking to her :-q I was like Just lookin' out for a friend. Bye Bitch :-h