So sorry you're going through this. I remember growing up around family members that struggled with drug addiction. when I was very little I didn't know it was drug addiction, but I was smart enough to see something wasn't quite right with them. It wasn't until I was around 8 or 9 that I understood what drug addiction was and made the correlation between that and how my family members struggled with day to day life. This is the biggest reason why I chose to be drug free my whole life. I have nothing against people that choose to do drugs from time to time and don't let it take over their lives, but seeing first hand how sad drug addition is scared the shit outta me. I think you made all the right decisions. I'll be keeping you and your family in my prayers.
January 2014:BFP!!!! Ectopic pregnancy ruptured at 6wks1day. Left Fallopian tube removed. Noted during surgery the right Fallopian tube is severely damaged from 2004 ectopic pregnancy.
April 8 2014: IVF#1 w/ISCI: 10 received, 5 mature, 3 fertilized. Day 3 transfer of all three embies.
April 22, 2014: BFP! beta #1: 80 beta #2: 211 One nugget!
I am so sorry you are going through this. Addiction is an illness, and he has to want to get better, but it seems like he is on the right path. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts. (((hugs)))
I have no personal experience, but I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I hope he is able to get better for himself and your family will once again return to normal. But ultimately, the safety of your children and your happiness are the priority, so don't beat yourself up for giving him an ultimatum or choices you may have to make if he doesn't get better. I wish you the best.
BFP #1 5/12/12; EDD 1/20/13; Eliana Grace born 1/25/13
I am so sorry you are dealing with this - especially with the timing. I dated an addict for years and it is so hard to feel like you are living with someone who lies to you day in and day out. Addiction makes people do crazy things - you are really dealing with the drugs and not your husband. I'll be thinking of you and wishing for the best outcome for you and your kids!
I'm so very sorry you are going through this. My sister is an alcoholic. She's been to rehab many times and jail many times. We were very close and I would always be there to help pick up pieces so I know the battle. Alanon is a saving grace for me and really helps me with clarity. Big hugs to you. I'm always here if you need anyone to talk to. I'm just so sorry he slid back into it
Married: 5/21/05 **~** Emery Aylin 6/30/12
BFP#1-11/5/10- Surgery for ectopic pregnancy 11/15/10
BFP#2-11/1/11 Due 7/8/12 Born 6/30/12
Oops we did it again... BFP 03/23/14 Due 12/6/14 Nora Born 11/23/14
Thinking of you and praying for your family and your SO. Addition is hard. I have an uncle who has been addicted to cocaine for the majority of his adult life. My family (his parents, brothers and sisters) have all been through the kind of lying and stealing that you described and it sucks... but know that who he is and what he does while addicted are not representative of the person he really is. I applaud you being courageous in confronting him and getting him into treatment immediately. Hopefully, through this treatment he will come back to his senses and realized the pain he has caused by giving into his addiction. Stay strong girl! **creepy internet hugs**
Im so incredibly sorry. I cant imagine having to go through this while also being pregnant. You ARE making all the right decisions for you and your children. Please stay strong. Thoughts and prayers are coming your way.
I know a family that struggled with a drug addiction (opiates), and rehab, meetings, and Al-Anon were all crucial. I encourage you to find an Al-Anon meeting to start attending while your SO is in rehab. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. T&Ps for you and your DS.
D14 November Siggy Challenge - How I Feel 3rd Tri:
Thank you so much everyone. I read all the responses and appreciate all the support and advice! Ive been a little busy playing mom and dad so im sorry that i am just responding. I am hoping this is the wake up call he needs. If he does not stay sober...if he so much as picks up one pill....he is done. The restraining order will slap him in the face and i will request full custody. Hurting me is one thing. Hurting my children is a whole new ball game. It wont be tolerated for one second. Im just hoping it does not come to that. My DS loves his daddy. SO is a great dad without drugs interfering. Thank you everyone. Your support and internet hugs are overwhelming in the best way .
I'm sorry to hear about what you and your family have been going through. You did the right thing sending him to get help. I hope he takes to rehab well and gets better. Hang in there in the meantime. It must be so difficult but you will make it through.
I'm really so sorry that you have to go through this. You're doing the best you can and it's obvious you love your son so much. That's all that he needs right now, unconditional love from you. The only advice I can offer is to keep up the healthy, positive talk with your son. No matter how mad you may get at your SO try as hard as you can to not bad talk his daddy. I'm not saying you ever would but I can tell you that my mother probably had the best of intentions during her divorce from my father but they both royally fucked things up for us kids. I won't go into detail but words last a life time.
Hang in there and we're all here for you as much as we can be. Sending lots of hugs your way for you and son and I hope SO gets through this and stays sober.
DD#1 December '12
DD#2 New Year's Baby '15
Married 07/09
I am so sorry you're going through this during your pregnancy (not that there's a good time, but this seems especially tough timing). I hope your SO gets the help he needs and if not that you will be given support and strength to do what's best for you and your little ones.
Im angry but not showing it to DS. We made a chart today so he can see when he can call his dad and when his dad is expected home. DS made a card that i will mail tomorrow. Im prepared to do whatever it takes but I wont bad mouth his dad. My DS needs love and support. That doesnt mean I dont secretly want to punch his dad in the face X( .
I'm so sorry that your family is going through this tough time. You are a strong woman and a wonderful example for your children. FWIW, my Dad didn't get clean and sober until my parents had their third child, but he's now celebrating 25 years next month. It can work out, but it's ultimately the addict's decision. I've seen other situations with much sadder outcomes than mine. I will keep your family in my thoughts and hope that your SO benefits from treatment and can be around for your children.
The fact that he is willing to go to treatment is HUGE. Wether he is doing it for the kids or for himself is irrelevant right now. I hope the treatment is enough to keep him sober and give him coping skills. Unfortunately, addiction is extremely dibliltating, devistating, selfish and perminant. I know this because I am an alcoholic. I've been sober for over a year. Quit smoking too. I go to my counselings and meetings. My family is my whole reason to not fuck up. But there is always the addiction in the very back of my mind and it will be for the rest of my life. I know I make a decision every single day to not drink and put my family first. I am terrified to relapse. TERRIFIED. You are so amazing. You did something not a lot of people would do when faced with that situation. You held him accountable and gave him that ultimatum. I am truely sorry you have to deal with this. I can't give you advice as far as your relationship goes. Maybe couples counseling when he gets out IF you both decide staying together is best. But as a Mother, you protected your children and made the best decision. I will keep you and your family I'm my prayers.
November Siggy Challenge: How I feel in the Third Trimester
Oh I'm so sorry. I grew up with an alcoholic father and have been in recovery from my own alcohol issues for a long time now. I definitely understand both points of view in this one and it's not easy. The good news is I know LOTS of amazing fathers in recovery. Men and women who have been lower than low who you would never ever guess it at this point in their lives. It's up to him to want to change, but your support will be incredibly valuable as well. Like pp have suggested alanon and counseling would both be really good ideas. Hang in there, it sounds like you're doing everything you can, and I so admire your courage and strength.
Thank you everyone. Its very brave of those who shared their own personal or their family's personal stories. I appreciate it. All the support has helped. More stories of SO are coming out of the wood work...people who saw a drug deal or saw him take money but he had some kind of story to deny it when they confronted him. The unpaid bills are shocking but family is helping to get it caught up. I have had so much support from family, friends, and this board. I cant imagine how much harder it would be without the support.
While it's totally normal to be angry at him for his behavior, please know that addiction is a disease that causes people to think and act in ways that they otherwise wouldn't. When he sobers up and the fog clears, he will feel immense amounts of guilt and shame over his actions. It will help if you are able, at some point, to offer him forgiveness and compassion rather than anger and resentment (which are two totally understandable emotions for you to be feeling right now!) The best way to work past your anger over the issue is to attend counseling or alanon/narcanon. Please do consider this. They say addiction is a "family disease," and the entire family must recover.
The fact that he admitted right away and immediately left for treatment is promising! Please have hope that he can recover, and when you ARE able to finally speak to him, try to be supportive and positive. Please believe that he will be experiencing plenty of self-doubt and guilt on his own. Hearing someone he loves say that they want him to recover and believe that he can be successful is going to help immensely.
His rehab should offer one or two "family days" during his stay, in which you will be invited to participate in some of the meetings and counseling. This will be your chance to express your anger to him and also establish clear rules and boundaries for the future. You will likely be asked to share statements expressing under what circumstances he will be allowed back in the home (ie, get and stay clean, attend meetings several times a week, obtain a sponsor, continue counseling, etc) and what situations will not be tolerated in the future and what the consequences will be (ie, using again will result in having to leave the home and a restraining order being filed.) Once you've established these guidelines, just stick to them. If he is serious about his recovery, he will readily agree and work his program in a way that will keep him sober and your family together.
The fact that he stayed clean for 3 or 4 years without the help of rehab, counseling or NA is pretty impressive, if you ask me. His chances after attending inpatient rehab and utilizing all of the available recovery resources in the community are going to be so much better!
Re: Prayers please :'(
BFP #1 5/12/12; EDD 1/20/13; Eliana Grace born 1/25/13
BFP #2 12/11/13; EDD 8/23/14; M/C 6 weeks
BFP #3 4/3/14; EDD 12/13/14
Married: 5/21/05 **~** Emery Aylin 6/30/12
BFP#1-11/5/10- Surgery for ectopic pregnancy 11/15/10 BFP#2-11/1/11 Due 7/8/12 Born 6/30/12
Oops we did it again... BFP 03/23/14 Due 12/6/14 Nora Born 11/23/14
D14 November Siggy Challenge: The feels of 3rd trimester...
Hang in there and we're all here for you as much as we can be. Sending lots of hugs your way for you and son and I hope SO gets through this and stays sober.
DD#1 December '12
DD#2 New Year's Baby '15
Married 07/09
You are so amazing. You did something not a lot of people would do when faced with that situation. You held him accountable and gave him that ultimatum. I am truely sorry you have to deal with this. I can't give you advice as far as your relationship goes. Maybe couples counseling when he gets out IF you both decide staying together is best. But as a Mother, you protected your children and made the best decision. I will keep you and your family I'm my prayers.