January 2014 Moms

Fighting with DH over ILs.

My ILs (especially my MIL) are really starting to create problems between DH and I. I am at the point where I do not even want to go to Texas in October. DH thinks I am over reacting, please tell me if I am. I cannot take their political ideology that is repeatedly shoved down our throats. Without fail every time we visit them or they visit us...they have to make stupid little comments here and there regarding politics/current events. Politics are even brought up at the dinner table. I feel like I am going to explode at them if this happens when we visit. DH says to ignore it, but I do not think I can anymore. Do any of your ILs act this way? DH and I are starting to really fight about this, whereas in the past I've ignored my ILs when they get into their rants. 

Should I simply suck it up and ignore them?

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Re: Fighting with DH over ILs.

  • peanutmusepeanutmuse member
    edited August 2014
    This is the one area where my MIL and I do not have an issue, ironically.

    My question to you is -- do you think they do it specifically to upset you or cause angst or to get you going? Also, do they say anything that would be categorized as prejudiced or worse? My answer will depend on that.

    My grandparents used to make racist comments and my mother simply told them that that's not how we were being raised and they were not allowed to speak that way around us. When she packed us up and left once after repeated warnings, they got it and it stuck.
  • @peanutmuse

    I don't think they say anything to purposely to upset me, however I do not share my political ideology with them. In the past I've simply smiled and nodded. They are extremely prejudice to non-Christians and people who do not share their same belief system. 

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  • MiaMyPuggleMiaMyPuggle member
    edited August 2014
    I'd abide by the "respect your elders" ideology on this one.

    Politics bore the shit out of me and there's nothing I, personally, can do to change them, so why argue over something that has little to do with me? I live in a free country, so that's good enough for me!  Let them ramble and just smile and nod. 

    The "worst" thing about my MIL's rambling a are gas prices. She flips about how much a barrel of the stuff is and why are NY's prices taxed to hell, etc. I laugh at her and call her crazy. 

    Are they serious and a smile/smirk will set them off or can you make it obvious that their views are absurd and laugh it off?

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  • I was thinking along the same lines as peanut - whether they do it to intentionally bother you or whether they are just being how they always are. If it isn't intentional, I'd say to just keep trying your best to ignore it, as sucky as that is. It doesn't sound like they would change knowing that it bothered you anyway. 

    My ILs drive me crazy with a lot of things. I do mention most of it to DH, but a lot of it I just end up keeping to myself. Probably not the best solution, but I don't want to hurt DH by telling him that his family drives me crazy. 


  • peanutmusepeanutmuse member
    edited August 2014
    I'd abide by the "respect your elders" ideology on this one.


    Seriously, @MiaMyPuggle? No.Fucking.Way. I respect people who deserve it and earn it, not just because they are older than me. In no way am I saying that @ccip82's ILs do not deserve it -- but this statement is absolutely ludicrous to me, just on principle.

    Honestly, if they are not doing it specifically to upset you, I'd just roll with it for the most part -- unless they say something out of line. I would suggest coming to a compromise with your husband. You will just ignore it unless they say A, B, or C, whatever those important things might be. You know best the hot topics that come up and whether or not they are truly important enough to say "that is an unacceptable topic."

    FWIW, all of my MIL's siblings (so my husband's aunts and uncles) are polar opposite in terms of politics from me, my husband, and my MIL. When they start their rants, I typically excuse myself. It's an effective way to let them know that I disagree but am taking the high road and not getting into with them.

    ETA missing word
    ccip82bee1916[Deleted User]PreDempsey


  • My ILs drive me crazy with a lot of things. I do mention most of it to DH, but a lot of it I just end up keeping to myself. Probably not the best solution, but I don't want to hurt DH by telling him that his family drives me crazy. 
    @km_md

    I feel bad because I don't want to hurt DH either... I've been complaining a lot about his family lately because of this.

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  • My IL's talk politics every time there is a big get together. I either just nod my head or go play with the kids. The thing that pisses me off is when its stuff that has to do with the kids that we don't agree with or we have asked them not to do and do it anyways.

    They can talk politics and religion all they want.
  • esd said:
    If that's just how they are and it's not done to purposely upset you, I'd say do your best to just ignore them. However, is it possible for a compromise - can your DH to just ask his parents to maybe decrease the amount it's talked about? Or not at the dinner table? Or will they be offended by that?
    @esd

    They would know that it was me who asked DH to say something to them. His brother is also the type who loves confrontation and debate. He would automatically start grilling me about my political beliefs the first chance he got. That is why I think I am so upset about going to visit them. I've had to endure their ranting for years now and I am sick of it. It makes going to visit them no fun at all. 

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  • ccip82 said:
    Thank you everyone.

    I like the idea of excusing myself once politics start. 
    @ccip82, it really does work. I've noticed that when I do it, the topic rarely comes back to politics after I've returned. And if it does pop up, it's not as aggressive.
  • I have relatives like this.  I either excuse myself or tell them flat out that I am not willing to discuss the topic with them.  When they keep pressuring me I just keep saying I dont want to discuss the topic.  Usually they rant about their crazy views for a while and when they realize I am just ignoring them and will not feed the crazy they move on. 

    I completely understand you not wanting to go on this visit if this is how they act but I agree with PP that it may just make the situation worse by not going.  Every time they get a rise out of you it makes them want to do it again.  Imagine how they will interpret you not coming on the visit - to crazy people like this that is the biggest rise of all. 




    ccip82
  • I'd abide by the "respect your elders" ideology on this one.


    Just no.  There are some things that I cannot and will not respect just becasue someone older than me is saying/doing it.  When my grandpop starts spouting off racist crazy remarks I tell him what I think just like I would anyone else.  Accepting someone else's ignorant comments is just as bad to me as saying them yourself.  Especially when your children hear the comments and see how you respond/dont respond.  That sends them a message. 




    [Deleted User]
  • I'm sorry you have to deal with this and that it's causing a fight with your DH. I agree with the other posts about excusing yourself and taking the high road, that way you don't have to hear it and get frustrated and it will hopefully show them that you don't care to be part of that kind of conversation. Maybe they will realize that your visit is supposed to be about seeing their grandkids, son and DIL and spending quality time with them. Hope things get better!
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  • Yes, @peanutmuse. I'm not saying I ALWAYS go along with what my "elders say" to avoid conflict. I meant that with THIS instance, it's not a big issue to get into it with your in laws, so just suck it up THIS TIME and let them ramble and continue with your own thoughts and beliefs on the subject. I know you like heated debates. I don't like debating over menial things like politics. Like I stated before, there's nothing I can do, personally, to change a law or the views of politicians, so I listen and move on.

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  • @bensmommy518‌ - see above. I always feel odd when I'm like, nope, you're wrong when it's a subjective argument with people that are more knowledgable on a subject, such as politics. That's what this post was about: politics. So, I said I'd just abide by that ideology on THIS subject and move on. Me, personally.

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  • @MiaMyPuggle -- I think one of the differences between you and me is the fact that I don't see politics as a menial subject. I mean, it only has the potential to affect every single area of our lives. (But yeah, no big deal....) And clearly it is an important topic to ccip82 too, which is why she asked here. So while that is how you feel, you really can't apply it to this situation.

    Also, I understand what you're saying about it being a subjective argument and some people are more knowledgeable -- and that might make it intimidating to discuss for some people. However, if I know anything about @ccip82, it's that she is an intelligent person, particularly about the world around her. More so than most people, I would guess. So this wouldn't really apply to her either.

    (And I'm guessing you didn't read the part about what I actually do when things like this happen around me with my husband's extended family. I don't have to have a heated debate on everything. I definitely pick my battles.)
    ccip82
  • @peanutmuse. True. That's what I mean. She loves her DH, so rather than have him upset with her over having a potential argument with his parents, I figured she should just not make it an issue and all is well btw the ILs and ccip as well as she and her H.

    I was saying what I would do in the situation bc it's a non-issue for me. Just my POV. My family is full of die-hard politicians. I've seen republicans hate democrats bc of the party they chose (pretty much bc their entire family is that party), so it's BS to me. So, how I see it, it's not worth it to me. That's all. 

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  • @peanutmuse. True. That's what I mean. She loves her DH, so rather than have him upset with her over having a potential argument with his parents, I figured she should just not make it an issue and all is well btw the ILs and ccip as well as she and her H.

     
    @MiaMyPuggle -- the only problem with this is that if she is upset, then all is not well. She's just sacrificing her happiness for her husband's happiness. Compromise is certainly necessary and healthy. Completely sacrificing yourself to keep the peace is not.
  • @peanutmuse. True. That's what I mean. She loves her DH, so rather than have him upset with her over having a potential argument with his parents, I figured she should just not make it an issue and all is well btw the ILs and ccip as well as she and her H.

     
    @MiaMyPuggle -- the only problem with this is that if she is upset, then all is not well. She's just sacrificing her happiness for her husband's happiness. Compromise is certainly necessary and healthy. Completely sacrificing yourself to keep the peace is not.

    I'm not saying bend over and take it in the ass over everything! One particular subject? Yes. That's just me. I hate conflict, tho. Hate it...ruins my day.

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  • MiaMyPuggle said:
    I'm not saying bend over and take it in the ass over everything! One particular subject? Yes. That's just me. I hate conflict, tho. Hate it...ruins my day.
    @MiaMyPuggle

    Ok.... but if it's bothering her enough that she is considering not going, wouldn't you say that it's kind of a big deal?

    Again, I understand your point of view for yourself. I'm just trying to get you to see it from her point of view. This is something that she cares about.
  • MiaMyPuggle said:
    I'm not saying bend over and take it in the ass over everything! One particular subject? Yes. That's just me. I hate conflict, tho. Hate it...ruins my day.
    @MiaMyPuggle

    Ok.... but if it's bothering her enough that she is considering not going, wouldn't you say that it's kind of a big deal?

    Again, I understand your point of view for yourself. I'm just trying to get you to see it from her point of view. This is something that she cares about.
    Sure.  It's a big deal to her and I'm sad that it is such an issue that creates conflict. I guess ignoring it isn't an option.  I guess I'm just the "walk away" type. I'd never do well on a debate team, that's for sure!  Conflict is like the plague to me.  I hope it isn't brought up at all, @ccip82. Enjoy your trip. 

    *waving the white flag, @peanutmuse!  I have to make dinner

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  • @MiaMyPuggle, as I was writing earlier, I was thinking -- damn, I am making her do what she hates. So sorry. I hope it didn't ruin your day.
    MiaMyPuggle
  • In my opinion, there is very little that would make me drive a wedge between my husband and his parents. Think about it: your kids will be married or in a relationship someday. And imagine if that person didn't like you for something that you didn't even realize was upsetting them. And they decided to try to create distance between you and your child. It's a special bond--parents aren't perfect, appreciate them for who they are and whatever positive qualities you can find.
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  • Thanks again everyone. DH and I talked a little last night which helped. 


    You are right about me :) 

    Problems with my ILs have been brewing for a while. I fundamentally disagree with just about everything they believe in. Now that DD is getting older, I do not want her hearing some of the things they say and thinking it's right. I do not want religion shoved down her throat, I do not want her around guns, (not that they are laying around- they are locked up). My BIL is ALWAYS wearing his gun (he has a permit of whatever it is called in Texas). Coupled with his abrasive personality, I find it very intimidating. Since bringing this up would cause problems between DH and his family, I just have to find ways of making it through visits with them. 

    However, as many of you know, I can be very opinionated. It is getting harder for me to visit them and not want to disagree with what they are saying or speak my mind. 


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  • @ccip82 out of curiosity (and this has no bearing on the conversation at all), where would you and DH move to if you moved back to the States? Luckily you are an ocean and almost the whole continental US away from your in-laws, but would your DH want to move to Texas? 

    If your in-laws were less extreme in their views, then I'd say maybe just ignore and pretend like what they say doesn't bother you. But that clearly isn't the case and they seem like almost nut jobs, so I am with you on not wanting to expose your children to their craziness no matter how far away you live and how little you see of them. I hope you and your DH are able to come to a compromise that works for the both of you. 
  • @amt0312

    Unfortunately we would most likely be moving back to Texas. My DH works in the energy industry and Houston is our home base. We would be about two hours from my ILs. It doesn't look like we are moving back to Houston anytime soon though...thank God. 

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  • THAT blows. Sorry dude. Better to nip this thing in the bud now and figure out a way to deal with this since living close to them is probably in the cards somewhere in the distant future. 
  • I don't really have any advice but am in pretty much the same situation. DHs parents are very religious, racist, homophobic, and their only interest seems to be hunting. They do not intentionally try to challenge me but they frequently make comments I find offensive. I think they do try to filter around me and I'm getting the mild version. I really don't think they considered that other people didn't share their views until I came into their lives.

    In the past I've just ignored these comments or changed the subject to keep the peace because it just wasn't worth it. We really don't spend much time with them and it's not like we will ever be close. Now that DD is here I'm struggling with how to address it. I really don't want her to be exposed to those values but I know they will not be happy being told what to do around their granddaughter.

    @ccip82‌
    I hope your visit is tolerable and you're able to find a way to either address it with them or to just make it through.
  • @thegreatbeyond

    Thank you, I am so sorry you are in the same situation too. It sucks!

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  • Turn it into a drinking game. Everytime someone says something offensive take a drink. You'll end up all shmammered.

    @PreDempsey‌ stole my idea. Bitch.
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