Loss check in

shandorfml2

Hi ladies, hope it was a gentle week!

Welcome to the checkin! I am sorry to have to welcome new loss moms this week but am so glad that you have found us. I hope we can bring each other some much needed comfort and support. Please feel free to join in when you are ready and share as much or as little as you wish. Also, if you have any questions you would like answered, just ask! Any lurkers out there please don't be shy, we would like to be able to support you too.

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

QOTW: How do you feel about your OB since your loss? Do you feel they did everything they could? 

healz413

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?
We went to a friend's wedding out of town this week. There was a 2 year old there and a 4 year old there. We didn't leave; we just avoided them as much as possible. I don't really know if that counts as a step towards healing or just a step towards surviving.
Also, I had a drink with one of my best friend's this week. He and his partner had a baby a couple weeks after we lost our babies. We both went through infertility struggles together and they got pregnant on their second IVF cycle after three failed transfers. We were all really looking forward to raising our babies together. I haven't been able to meet their baby yet and I don't know when I will feel up for it. But it felt good to see my friend. It was hard, but it was not harder than not seeing him is.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?
I want to see the 1 year old and the 4 year old that I'm an aunty to. (They're a good friend's children and we have been pretty involved in their lives). I don't know when I'm going to be up for that, but it's a goal I have.
Also, @Manada and I are going to try one of the support groups again this week. It was the one we didn't like the first time we went and I got too anxious to go the last time they met. We're hoping that it will be better this time. We think it's really a matter of who is in the room, and we know that varies a lot from meeting to meeting. We really like the other support group we've gone to, so we're hoping that the one we don't like will redeem itself.

QOTW: How do you feel about your OB since your loss? Do you feel they did everything they could?
From what I understand, there was nothing he could have done. So, I guess he did everything he could. Except that he didn't warn us that the debris at the cervix could be/cause an infection that would cause the water to break. He talked about the debris in terms of the risk of irritating the cervix. Knowing that an infection and the water breaking was a possibility wouldn't have changed anything except that it would have given us even more cause for anxiety and worry. But I still think he should have told us.

CherryPicked

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?  

I got coffee with another mom who has lost a baby.  We talked for 2 hours and could have talked for 6 more if we had the time.  It was great to talk about Caroline with someone who gets it. 

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?  

I am still trying to be more productive at work - taking that one day at a time.

QOTW: How do you feel about your OB since your loss? Do you feel they did everything they could? 

I loved my OB and Caroline's chromosomal condition was not OB management related - no one is to blame, trisomy just happens randomly.  I was happy with the way I was treated while I carried to term and my OB would have done whatever I wanted as far as delivery went.  We decided on a med-free vaginal delivery without monitoring and he supported us in that.  He cried when she was born alive and I will never forget that.

msunshine123

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?
Still working on getting back into shape. It's not easy, but I'm trying my best to stick with it.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?
Still applying, sending out my resume and interviewing to find a new job. We are moving this month to our new home. We had planned to move sometime after our son arrived - it's closer to family. So we are getting ready for our move. 
QOTW: How do you feel about your OB since your loss? Do you feel they did everything they could?
I had a midwife and I think they did everything they could have. My son died of a cord accident the day of his delivery. He had been kicking the night before at 10pm as we went to sleep, my labor woke me from my sleep at 2 am. We arrived to hospital at 6am as instructed when contractions were closer together. They could not find his heartbeat and my son was gone.

shandorfml2

 
Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? Hmm, not sure I've made any steps but it's been a good week

  

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? Continue to get healthy

QOTW: How do you feel about your OB since your loss? Do you feel they did everything they could?   I love my OB. She was really great with us and Ana. I do believe she did everything she could, and nothing could have saved Ana. Unless I went into labor early at 36 weeks, which wouldn't have happened. She is a caring, loving woman and I can't wait to see her again once I'm pregnant.

shandorfml2

@healz413 Glad you made it through the wedding. It does get easier with time, seeing other kiddos. I still struggle with newborns, or kiddos around Ana's age, but much better than it was those first few months.

shandorfml2

@msunshine123 hope the move goes smoothly...what do you do for work?

hsabyan

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? 
I've recently started blogging.  I was following Beryl Ayn Young's Illuminate course online and although I didn't finish all four weeks yet, I like that it got me started with an outlet to write whatever comes to mind.  I haven't had anyone read it yet, but I hope to someday.  

I also received an order for 12 memory bears.  After Georgia passed, I made stuffed bears from her receiving blankets she used while in the NICU.  I kept a couple and have given ones to my niece/nephew and my mom.  My brother in law helped me with it and we started a facebook page to see if there was any interest from anyone.  We have gotten a lot of 'likes' from friends, family, and strangers and we just got our first order.  We're making bears for a family out of their loved ones clothing.  We stayed busy with it through the weekend and I'm looking forward to getting them back to their rightful owner.  It's therapeutic for me to work with my hands, and it makes me feel good to help other people with their grieving. 
What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? 
Continue to blog and take pictures.  Continue working on my bears project.  Figure out finances.  We are looking into filing for bankruptcy (we have thousands of dollars in medical bills and credit cards that just aren't feasible- especially after my husband and I were off of work for two months at the hospital with Georgia).  I really want to get a handle on our finances and get to a place where we can set money aside.  We want to have another baby when we are able but I want to be sure that we will be in a good place financially first. 
QOTW: How do you feel about your OB since your loss? Do you feel they did everything they could?

I was transferred to a high risk clinic when they diagnosed Georgia with CCTGA after my 20 week ultrasound.  I saw probably six different doctors there and saw probably four more through my labor/c-section/time in the hospital.  I often wonder how things may have been different if they had decided to induce me a week earlier.  She was born with hydrops and was so critical when she was born- it makes me wonder if that portion of her illness could have been avoided.  I know that nothing can be changed now and I don't hold any ill feelings towards my care team- I know that it's their job and they wanted nothing more than to give us the best possible outcome, but I do think about it sometimes. 

lexusolsen

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

I think I have settled on a tattoo design. I'm thinking of getting it on my wrist. I want to always have Ben with me and this is as close as I can get.


What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

Still trying to get healthy. Trying to be more active. I'm doing well and was down a pound last week. Fingers crossed for another pound lost tomorrow at weigh-in.



QOTW: How do you feel about your OB since your loss? Do you feel they did everything they could? 

My ob wasn't actually there. We were in a car accident so they took us to a hospital outside of our coverage where they have MFM. When they transferred us to an in network facility he came to visit first thing. He hugged me and teared up, met dh and stayed to talk for a while. He was very sweet. At my pp visit he told me to come in any time to talk but that medically speaking, he didn't need to see me until we tried again. He's so awesome.

msunshine123

@shandorfml2 - thanks:) I'm a PT.

msunshine123

@hsabyan - your memory bears are such a great idea and I have no doubt they will provide a lot of comfort to people. The hospital we delivered at gave us a new blanket to go home with and I wish all the time I had something that smelled like my son.

shandorfml2

@hsabyan I also love your bear project. How sweet!

Maybe Joleisa

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? Not really. I feel stunted in my steps toward healing.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? I think I've mentioned this before, but I want to print some pictures of the boys. I'm a lot of talk and no action, so I probably need to give myself a deadline. (P.S. We were married 5 years ago and I still don't have 1 wedding photo ordered!) Official deadline I'm giving myself: September 1

QOTW: How do you feel about your OB since your loss? Do you feel they did everything they could?  I did not feel confident with my last OB at 11w, so I switched to a MFM practice that would see me and deliver me. They were touted to be the 'best in the area', so I felt pretty safe until they discovered my cervix shortening at 21w2d. I do not feel they did everything they could, so even if other interventions would've failed--I wouldn't have this WHAT IF feeling all the time. I begged for a cerclage. I begged for a pessary. I begged for p17 shots. I begged for in-patient hospitalization. I was told to go home and come back in a week with my bag packed. I made it to 21w6d after a very uneventful and normal pregnancy. At my 6w follow-up they told me I would not be their ideal candidate for a TAC (transabdominal cerclage), because I've "only" had one loss and they "think" a preventative TVC (transvaginal cerclage) "might" work for me next time. That comment was the icing on the cake for dropping them. 

My RE's office showed more compassion than my MFM practice. Next time around my RE will refer me to the MFM practice most of their doctors and nurses use and I will ask the MFM for a recommendation for an OB's office they work well with. Luckily I'm in a large metropolitan area with a lot of fine doctors.

LyndseyTS

@msunshine123 Way to go! Perseverance is worthy of celebration.

@healz413 Surviving or healing, it’s a step. J

@lexusolsen Way to go! I’m inspired to try to get back on the “exercise train” by you ladies.

@”Maybe Joleisa” I have to give myself deadlines too. We were also married 4.5 years ago and I don’t have a single picture printed. Maybe we should hold each other accountable!

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? 

A gardener friend of mine helped me to create a garden in our backyard in honour of Serenity. It was really nice to feel like I was "doing" something for her. I am going to add the prayer flag (from Carly Marie's Project Heal) when DH and I are finished making and a beautiful butterfly ornament that a sweet friend bought me for her due date. I'm happy with it and glad to have a space that I can go and enjoy quietly while remembering her. It feels super healing.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?
I'm really working on getting back to a state of "normal". If you've been following my (ridiculous) posts, you'll know that there have been lots of physical issues going on and I've landed myself in the hospital to stay more than twice over the past few months. My goal is to get back to regular things like cooking healthy food and keeping a (relatively) organized house. Just to regain some sense of basic "normal" while I find my emotional "new normal". The plan is to take baby steps each day. Do a little bit more every day than I did the day before.

QOTW: How do you feel about your OB since your loss? Do you feel they did everything they could?

We didn't have an OB (used a midwife) and were then sent to a specialized hospital because of Serenity's diagnosis (Turner Syndrome) where we saw a number of OBs (all of whom were wonderful). The after care is a bit of a concern for me. I feel pretty frustrated that it took them 4-5 months, 2 D&Cs, and 2 blood transfusions to figure out that there were retained products, but maybe my case wasn't as "cut and dry" as they usually are. Needless to say, that was frustrating. Sometimes I wonder if I did have an OB initially if things would have been acted upon more quickly because I wouldn't have needed a referral from my family doctor. That said, I'm pretty sure we'll stick with our midwife next time around (if there is one). She was lovely through the whole process and the loss and was there even though she wasn't medically required as the OB on call did Serenity's delivery. I'm also hoping for a home birth (that was the original plan with Serenity), but who knows. Lots to figure out before then and we're benched for 6 months because of my "weird" uterus issues anyway. Wow that was long. Sorry ladies. Thanks for reading if you made it this far!

Maybe Joleisa

@LyndseyTS: I really hope you are back to 100% soon. My goodness. My excuse for no wedding photos is because I hated our photos and am a horrible decorator. Yours? What is our deadline--before 2015? (I'm okay with putting it further out, as well!) @shandorfml2: I paged down through here past your posts and had to scroll back. LOL @ your siggy pic

shandorfml2

@Maybe Joleisa‌ i like the idea of a deadline...i have a few things I need to do (including wedding photos from three years ago!!)

LyndseyTS

@Maybe Joleisa‌ 2015 sounds good! I'm also a terrible decorator (or at least a scared one?). I'm afraid that if I do something I won't like it. I'm not super happy with the way things are now though, so really what do I have to lose? I'm trying to convince myself here. @shandorfml2‌ Welcome to the accountability club! We will all have something done with wedding photos by 2015. Any opposition?