B/F disciplining kids vs dogs

palmbreeze

Please note I work in animal rescue and I LOVE dogs. 

I have a two in a half year old. I'm a single mom and I've been dating a guy for about a year in a half now. We do not live together - I'm taking things very slow and want nothing but the best for my LO. 

He lives alone with two dogs. A senior hound dog who is cranky as all get out. He barks and growls when you move at the wrong time, make too much noise (that puts a damper on bedroom fun), or touch him when he doesn't want to be touched. The other dog is a crazy larger dog who is sweet. She jumps all over people (don't wear nice clothes to his place), chews up stuff, potties in the house on purpose, bites his senior dog when she gets excited and shreds things like bed comforters. Oh, the hound can't be w/o his daddy or he barks and whines until he gets his way. He doesn't discipline them...at all. 

Ok, so when my two year old acts like a two year old - the b/f has now decided he can "discipline" him. Disciplining to him is a very stern "stop it" or "no" which is something I've never heard him do. He can discipline my child, but would never talk like that to his out of control dogs. He tells me, they're dogs. He seems to think kids need discipline and dogs don't. 

I have a dog and you better believe she has rules, structure and she better behave herself. She's like my second child and I love her. However, we will not chew up the house, potty on the floor, jump all over people, be aggressive towards people we know and so on. They are animals, they should behave and obey their handler. 

Am I out of touch here?

Not to mention his ex-wife whom he cheated on and she ended their marriage eight years ago. She has a key to his house, she watches his dogs, he dog sits her dog, went to see her new place, she sat at his house for a plumber to do work, she got her mail delivered there while she was in transit, borrows stuff from him, had him help her with a garage sale and so on. He feels bad for what he has done and feels like he needs to take care of her. 

I'm slightly lost. He's a great guy, he takes care of us, he is making a great effort to get to know my son, we have a great relationship otherwise. He thinks his old hound dog and my son are going to become friends one day. Do I tell him now I don't plan on living with this dog, or do I hope he kicks the bucket before we move in together, play it by ear and see if our relationship even gets that far (though he has talked about moving in). 

Flustered. 

NotSharknado

Okay, hoping the dog kicks the bucket makes me sad.

theseaword

I'll ignore all the dog stuff. Your bf shouldn't be yelling at your son.

RondackHiker

There are a lot of red flags here.

NotSharknado

Does he realize your son is not the dog?

palmbreeze

Good question. His dog was crying and pawing the bedroom door when I stayed over. He didn't wake up, I tried to wake him up and then I just let the dog in the room to jump on him. Still didn't wake him up. In fact they started spooning. I got mad and left. 

My son wakes up crying in the middle of the night and has a hard time going back to sleep. The boyfriend leaves in the middle of the night and then compares the two incidents. 

What red flags folks?! I need some direction, I'm too involved. 

NotSharknado

This story sounds familiar.

RondackHiker

palmbreeze said:

Good question. His dog was crying and pawing the bedroom door when I stayed over. He didn't wake up, I tried to wake him up and then I just let the dog in the room to jump on him. Still didn't wake him up. In fact they started spooning. I got mad and left. 

My son wakes up crying in the middle of the night and has a hard time going back to sleep. The boyfriend leaves in the middle of the night and then compares the two incidents. 

What red flags folks?! I need some direction, I'm too involved. 

You've posted here before.

This same story.

theseaword

I was just going to say this sounds familiar...

palmbreeze

Yes I posted before about the middle of the night incident. New issue - same guy. Look, I'm a single mom who works full time and no support. My mind goes a thousand miles an hour every day and I need advice. I'm trying to think clearly about this. Difference of opinion or is there something more with this dog vs child - ex-wife thing?

RondackHiker

bearsbearsbears said:

I thought I was the only one with deja vu here.

I didn't pick it up till the spooning story.

OP, we all told you red flags in your last post.

Here are more (you shouldn't need this shit spelled out):
-yelling at your kid
-not wanting to put in the work to train his dogs
-not discussing discipline with you
-you're afraid to talk to him about yelling at your kid or about his dogs
-he cheated in the past. He can change, but it's not a good sign.
-he's still wrapped up with his ex and he still is trying to make it up to her

RondackHiker

palmbreeze said:

Yes I posted before about the middle of the night incident. New issue - same guy. Look, I'm a single mom who works full time and no support. My mind goes a thousand miles an hour every day and I need advice. I'm trying to think clearly about this. Difference of opinion or is there something more with this dog vs child - ex-wife thing?

I'd have ended things after you both walked out on each other in the middle of the night.

NotSharknado

palmbreeze said:

Yes I posted before about the middle of the night incident. New issue - same guy. Look, I'm a single mom who works full time and no support. My mind goes a thousand miles an hour every day and I need advice. I'm trying to think clearly about this. Difference of opinion or is there something more with this dog vs child - ex-wife thing?

No one is jumping on you here. He's not even putting in effort to discipline his dogs, he's cheated on his wife and he leaves when your kid wakes up in the middle of the night. It's not a difference of opinions, it's the fact that he seems like an irresponsible tool. As for the ex wife, I actually don't hate the idea that they're friends. It just depends on how comfortable you are with it and clearly you're not, but you can't wait for her to kick the bucket too. I'm not going to try and convince you that this guy is a good idea. 

palmbreeze

I've never heard him yell, he just spoke very sternly...which is abnormal. I've never heard him be stern like that before.

I'm afraid to talk to him b/c my ex-husband treated me so poorly - trust issues and fear of conflict....yup that's me. 

I need it spelled out and black and white. Thanks ladies!

NotSharknado

palmbreeze said:

I've never heard him yell, he just spoke very sternly...which is abnormal. I've never heard him be stern like that before.

I'm afraid to talk to him b/c my ex-husband treated me so poorly - trust issues and fear of conflict....yup that's me. 

I need it spelled out and black and white. Thanks ladies!

Maybe you need to heal still before jumping into something that you're unsure of.

palmbreeze

That has good potential. I hate feeling so wishy washy. One day he's the best thing since sliced bread and he's great with my son and the next it's like the complete opposite. He was working out so much at one point when he did have time for us he was exhausted and unsociable. So, we discussed that and he wants this to work and he changed his schedule around to make more time for us. *sigh* I don't know if I'm creating issues or if they really exhist. Apparently they really ehist. 

ShakeyJakey

From everything you've shared, I would be looking for something better than this guy. Someone with more positives and less negatives. The things you say about him don't make him a bad person, just not the right one for your situation. I'm not saying you should listen to me, but really try to be honest with yourself about this working long term. It sounds like you should get out while you can. Easier said than done, I know, but there are plenty of men out there open to dating a single mother.

Does ex wife know about you? If you two get more serious is she going to get jealous?

ShakeyJakey

sassypantzz said:

To me as an outsider I think the biggest thing is the interaction with your child. Kids wake up and act out of sorts. Kids aren't for everyone. I personally wouldn't try to keep this alive if you aren't currently comfortable talking to him. Communication is everything. Maybe it's not all on him. Maybe your ex left you vulnerable and fearful but fostering this anti communication behavior will only land you back to a vary precarious place.

IIRC, this guy has kids of his own. He may not be a kid person but he should understand MOTN wake ups come with the territory.

ShakeyJakey

Or maybe they were step kids?

ShakeyJakey

Yeah, the biggest red flag is you're afraid to confront him with a legitimate issue. If you can't talk to him, why are you with him?

ggatlanta

palmbreeze said:

I'm afraid to talk to him b/c my ex-husband treated me so poorly - trust issues and fear of conflict....yup that's me. 

My take... You won't be able to have a healthy relationship with good communication until you resolve these issues. You need to figure out the reasons you were attracted to the kind of man who would mistreat you, and you need to resolve the feelings you have about the evolution and disolution of that relationship. I say that as someone who has been there. Therapy turned my life around. I know it's a big commitment but it's worth it. Don't let history repeat itself.

littlemermaid

Please dump him and just concentrate on raising your son for a while.  This man and this relationship has red flags all over.  Please don't be one of those people who stay with idiots just because he has a couple good qualities. This guy has more bad qualities then good.    Your son doesn't need a revolving door of men coming in and out of his life, especially men who don't have good qualities.  Dump this one and just be alone for a while.  Get a hobby to keep yourself busy and build up your self esteem so maybe one day you can find a good man who will be a good influence on your son.   

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[Deleted User]

I am more concerned at the lack of seeing all of these major red flags.  Holy fuck.  

Maybe I am too being too harsh?

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palmbreeze

Thanks ladies, I really appreciate the feedback. It's hard when you are in the center of everything to see the big picture. I'm not afraid to talk to him.  The children he helped raise were step kids, but he acts like he's never been around a child. He's been so supportive through everything with my divorce and he's made some changes in his life to be a better boyfriend and influence to my son. He offered to watch my son for a few hours (first time ever that's happened) this weekend. I don't feel comfortable with his lack of experience to leave the two alone. 

I just don't think it's enough. 

Like last night my son was sick and he texted me if there was anything he could do to help. I told him everything that was wrong with him and how he was crying and couldn't sleep. All he had to say was he was sorry and let him know if there is anything he could do to help. Which is great - I think I trained that into him. He did ask if he was better this morning. I just feel like it should be more. The poor kiddo, did he have some medicine, I hope he can get some rest....nothing like that. Maybe I'm being too sensitive. 

[Deleted User]

I feel like you shouldn't have to train basic empathy in a significant other.

I'm still Team GTFO.

umma4babes

I read the previous thread as well, and I disagree that it's a "new issue." It's the same issue - lack of understanding and empathy of your child and child-rearing. Sure, he could be a great guy trying his best but that may not be enough. What you are feeling right now is totally normal. You're not being overly sensitive. What you're expecting is very basic and he's not meeting that. Perhaps the timing isn't right - you may be great for each other when your son is older but sounds like definitely not now.