I need to vent

pashedmotatoes

I feel like a prizoner to DH and his family. It's like I have just become the machine that keeps the house running. My time has no value. My sleep has no value. Kids were a terror and you slept under an hour? Oh well, you don't work. Catch up later. I have no social life. No friends. I can't leave my home. I don't believe in divorce, evsn if I did I'm so beaten down I haven't the strength. I have no one else. I just want ro cry, but I'm too busy rocking the baby to sleep for the millionth time tonight. I made the mistake of being too loud with shushing. DH woke up and grouched. I'm sorry. I am done now. I just needed to get that off of my chest.

Court0026

Sounds like you are in a tough place.  How old are your kids?  Has it always been like this?  This is not how parenting has to be, or is for others.  It sounds like your marriage needs help and you need some support whether it be from a counselor or a moms group.  Something. 

pashedmotatoes

I can't leave my home because it is too far from town and I don't have a car.

Let me rephrase. I will not leave my husband, so saying "he's an ass just divorce him" will go in one ear and out the other. It is NOT an option for me.

orangegoggles

I'm sorry. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate and a young baby? You have to talk to someone, anyone about how you are feeling. A counselor, a neighbor, your husband, a relative, someone. Its not right for you to feel this way. Everyone goes through rough patches but its not normal to feel so unhappy for a long period of time. You deserve to be happy and supported by your husband. 

Spin313

Do you live with your ILs...? Why can't your leave the house?

This post sets off warning bells.

raraavis28

pashedmotatoes said:

I can't leave my home because it is too far from town and I don't have a car.

Let me rephrase. I will not leave my husband, so saying "he's an ass just divorce him" will go in one ear and out the other. It is NOT an option for me.

I don't think anyone was saying that...in fact, none of us know your situation enough to advise a decision as big as that. Nonetheless, divorce is a possible choice, as is staying with him....point is, you aren't powerless, but need to figure out how to best cope with your situation.

I second PPs' suggestions for counselling, preferably for both of you vut definitely for you. It might not change your H but it could help you learn some strategies for dealing w/ him and his family.

Take care of yourself; I hope things get better for you.

Andrewsgal

You need to get help. It sounds like you are in a really bad place. Your kids will be more damaged in your intact horrid home than they would be in a happy home of a single mom. Where is your family? Can you call them for help?

pashedmotatoes

It's not always bad like this. I had a baby in D13. I have suffered PPD/PPA. Between that, sleep deprivation, and ok maybe a little truth to some of the feelings, I'm feeling lost as a person. I haven't left my home without one of my ILs (to drive of course) or DH since the baby was born who is BTW still nursing 24/7. I don't get me time, ever. I am extremely overwhelmed and slept for 3 hours last night.

Andrewsgal

Why did you choose to post this here and not your home board? Anyway. Can you not afford a car? I could not imagine being a SAHM stuck at home without transportation. Can you use your inlaws car? Take your husband to work?

catycate

PPD is making a crappy situation even crappier for you. There are absolutely options- but only if you chose to take them. Sometimes even a walk can clear your mind enough to see things in a different light. The first step is getting your husband to hear you and to help you. I hope that he wants you to be as happy as you can be. I'm sure your kids deserve better.

peaceinnature

You said you've suffered from PPD/PPA, does that mean you've had treatment? I had PPA and went to weekly counseling for almost a year. It helped immensely even without medication. My therapist taught me coping tools and being able to tell her absolutely everything I was thinking and feeling without feeling guilty was really healing. She helped me get out of my head.

My advice: You need find a way to get some time to yourself. Self-care is extremely important. Like my therapist said, if the masks come down on an airplane, you put yours on first because if you pass out no one is there to help your child. Find someone who will help you make it work. You said your ILs pick you up sometimes, can they take your LO to the park or the mall and let you have some alone time at home? There are ways out of the isolation you're feeling, but it seems to me like the PPD and sleep deprivation is making it hard for you to find the energy to see them.

notkateanymore

Pashed, if your husband won't change you're either going to have to do something about it or you're going to have to be ok with being miserable. Not divorcing a man who treats you badly and isn't going to change is idiotic. Being a martyr doesn't win you any awards. What kind of role model are you being for your daughter?

lavendergiraffes

catycate said:

.

The first step is getting your husband to hear you and to help you. I hope that he wants you to be as happy as you can be. I'm sure your kids deserve better.

This. Have you talked to him? Does he know how you are feeling?

notkateanymore

Also, I know you're wanting to get pregnant sooner rather than later, are you sure that's a good idea? Being pregnant doesn't fix anything.

Andrewsgal

STOP trying to get pregnant you can't handle what you have. Why in the world would you add more?

Andrewsgal

wife07mom09 said:

amy052006 said:

auroraloo said:

wife07mom09 said:

This is not the time to make any life altering decisions. Are you safe? If nt get out. If you are safe just upset with ppd are you being treated? Are you seeing a doctor or counselor?
Next, time for some marriage counseling. I would highly suggest a licensed counselor through your church who is faith based versus other posters here. As long as your husband is not harming you then kudos to you for working through this but working through a rough patch doesn't mean sitting back and not saying anything . Talk to a counselor to learn to work through this.
Sleep is also a huge part of this or lack of it. Can dh get up on the weekends with baby at least for a few feedings and give you 4-5 hours of sleep? No reason this would kill an established supply. Go to bed and sleep in another room Friday night and Saturday night let baby have bottles. Do this sometimes during the week for a feeding if you need a break. The world looks different when you have slept.
Best wishes

 

I totally agree other posters here are not the answer, but why not just stop at "A licensed therapist" not everyone has or wants a church.

Not to mention, if I was in what is being presented as an unequal or controlling relationship, the last person I would want counselling me is a clergy person based into a church that subscribes to those roles in a martial relationship.
This poster said she wasn't interested in divorce yet people were suggesting it. Let the lady work through her problems.
Any faith based counselor using the Bible won't be telling her to be " ok" with a controlling relationship. The Bible teaches exactly the opposite.


This just isn't my experience at all. Faith based counselors are the worst and often don't have proper training or education.

rosesandpetals

If she sounds anything like this in real life, anyone with any amount of common sense at all is going to tell her to call her doctor to talk about ppd/ppa. Marital issues suck and need to be addressed but the ppd can be much more serious and should be treated first. Plus, I don't really think you can work on your marriage if you have untreated ppd. It is too debilitating.

pashedmotatoes

A few points I want to make here.

1. I am in therapy because I went to my dr about the PPA/PPD. I was on meds, but they weren't working with bfing or my heart.

2. My MIL said that about cancer/sunscreen, not me. I will put sunscreen on my kids. I'm not an idiot (though I feel like I am after posting here in the MOTN). 

3. When I say get out of the house I don't mean backyard I mean GET OUT. As in do something fun somewhere else.

4. I am NOT trying to get pregnant. I had a mc last month, and yes some times I think how awesome it would be to have that baby that I will never know now. But I don't want to get KU right now. In the future? Yes. Now? Not so much.

5. I said I want twins, not that I want twins right now.

6. My husband is NOT abusive. He can be an ass at times, but so can any guy.

7. My family is full of drug addicts who have not been a part of my life in a very long time. We moved around a lot over the last few years so I have no friends right now either. 

8. DH works over an hour away and goes in at 5 am. Driving him to work is not very smart. MIL drives a big ass van and wouldn't loan it out even if I wanted it. No vehicles to borrow.

9. We can't afford to buy a second car right now. If we could I would have one.

I understand I may have overreacted in my OP and said some things that came out bad. I was very tired and having DH wake up and grouch at me when I was up with the baby all night long had me in a seriously bad mood. I talked to him about what he did and how I was feeling last night. After that followed at least a better (not good) nights sleep. 

My marriage is not perfect. He does control a little more than I would prefer, but I am working on that and we are working on it in therapy.