But tonight I'm not. Instead, I keep thinking that I should have a three month old right now... instead of a glider collecting dust in my spare room and a tote with baby clothes hidden in my gma's basement, I should be 7 months pregnant and putting the finishing touches on the nursery... instead of deciding how to honor/memorialize my three lost little ones, I should be deciding if I'm ready to go public with my pregnancy on Facebook because my beautiful bump is starting to show. I've been pregnant three times since first learning I was pregnant this time last year. On nights like tonight, I don't just feel sad that I'm not pregnant and not yet a mother, I grieve the loss of each lost child that I carried inside of me... of the joyful future I had planned for each of them even though they were here on earth for such a short time... And I have to put a smile on my face and minimize my grief because otherwise I'm "depressed," or not coping well, or because it's just really uncomfortable for others to hear, or because it's too personal to share... it's a hidden pain that I really only share with God and with the ladies here, who unfortunately understand that grief. The bond between a mother and child happens immediately, whether it's a few weeks or months, we love our little ones immensely and grieve their loss whole heartedly.
Thank you all for allowing me to share my thoughts and feelings openly, and in advance for your well wishes, thoughts, and prayers.
Re: I'm usually pretty strong... *very emotional vent*
Thank you for sharing your feelings. I really hope you feel better tomorrow!
Off bcp and ttc 9/1/13
bfp 7/20/14, m/c 7/23
will ttc again 8/14
Married since May 2008
TTC Since February 2014
^Cherokee Rose (TWD) ^
I'm glad you are feeling better today and that you could confide some of your thoughts in your DH. Your post touched me, and I wanted to say how sorry I am for the pain you have been through in the past year. I know these feelings so well. You will be in my thoughts. ((Hugs))
Me (34); DH (35)
BFP 11/25/13; Heard strong heartbeats for 3 weeks; Natural MC (1/15/14)
BFP 11/11/14 EDD 07/21/15 hoping for our rainbow!
I had done it before. Peed on a stick. Each time that one lonely line stood there saying “not this time.” But this day was different. There was that old familiar line standing strong, but next to it was a faint pink line. So faint that I sat there staring at it for who knows how long. I even took a picture of it and enhanced the colors to make sure that there were two lines. Two lines. And just like that – I fell in love.
I never thought I could fall in love with a line, but it was so much more than a line. It was life. It was sweet snuggles. It was late nights and dirty diapers. It was the first day of school. It was high school graduation. It was moving off to college. It was a wedding. All in an instant, I saw an entire life. I saw my babies life.
He said he had never thought of it that way - that he didn't instantly feel that connection. It's something a mother experiences and it's hard to explain it to other people. Even though we never met our little ones, we still love them like crazy and miss them. We know that they weren't just flickers on a screen or lines on a pregnancy test. We know they were humans. Feel free to grieve - crying is a coping mechanism.