I'm usually pretty strong... *very emotional vent* — The Bump
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

I'm usually pretty strong... *very emotional vent*

But tonight I'm not. Instead, I keep thinking that I should have a three month old right now... instead of a glider collecting dust in my spare room and a tote with baby clothes hidden in my gma's basement, I should be 7 months pregnant and putting the finishing touches on the nursery... instead of deciding how to honor/memorialize my three lost little ones, I should be deciding if I'm ready to go public with my pregnancy on Facebook because my beautiful bump is starting to show. I've been pregnant three times since first learning I was pregnant this time last year. On nights like tonight, I don't just feel sad that I'm not pregnant and not yet a mother, I grieve the loss of each lost child that I carried inside of me... of the joyful future I had planned for each of them even though they were here on earth for such a short time... And I have to put a smile on my face and minimize my grief because otherwise I'm "depressed," or not coping well, or because it's just really uncomfortable for others to hear, or because it's too personal to share... it's a hidden pain that I really only share with God and with the ladies here, who unfortunately understand that grief. The bond between a mother and child happens immediately, whether it's a few weeks or months, we love our little ones immensely and grieve their loss whole heartedly.

Thank you all for allowing me to share my thoughts and feelings openly, and in advance for your well wishes, thoughts, and prayers.
[Deleted User]

Re: I'm usually pretty strong... *very emotional vent*

  • I am so sorry you're having a bad night. And I'm sorry you feel like you have to minimize your grief. Talking to other women who have similar experiences they said A miscarriage is something you should ever have to "get over" but there will be some bad days and it's ok to sit and acknowledge your grief.
    Thank you for sharing your feelings. I really hope you feel better tomorrow!

    Married 7/21/12

    Off bcp and ttc 9/1/13

    bfp 7/20/14, m/c 7/23

    will ttc again 8/14


    cat animated GIF

  • I'm so sorry for your losses. This is my first mc so I can't pretend to understand where you are right now but my T&Ps are with you.
    Me: 30 H: 30 
    Married since May 2008
    TTC Since February 2014
    1st BFP: June 17, 2014; EDD Feb 25, 2015; ^^MMC July 2014^^
    2nd BFP: November 10, 2014; EDD July 26, 2015. Please be our RAINBOW!
    Pregnancy Ticker
    ^Cherokee Rose (TWD) ^
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  • babeRN101babeRN101 member
    edited July 2014
    (Lurking) I am with you when you talk about the instant bond. I thought I was crazy for getting so attached so quickly during the first few weeks of pregnancy. Sending you a hug!

    Me: 27, DH: 32.
    BFP #1: 4/10/14--CP 4/12/14
    BFP#2: 6/9/14, MMC @ 6wks+5, D&C 7/11/14
    Diagnosed PCOS 12/2014
    BFP #3: 12/12/14--CP 12/15/14
    [Deleted User]
  • Thank you all for your support :)  I'm feeling better today after a good cry and expressing myself last night.  I usually don't share things that I post with DH, but I woke him up to share last night.  That felt really good to be open with him.  

  • sfazarsfazar member

    I'm glad you are feeling better today and that you could confide some of your thoughts in your DH.  Your post touched me, and I wanted to say how sorry I am for the pain you have been through in the past year.  I know these feelings so well. You will be in my thoughts.  ((Hugs))

    Me (34); DH (35)

    BFP 11/25/13; Heard strong heartbeats for 3 weeks; Natural MC (1/15/14)

    BFP 11/11/14 EDD 07/21/15 hoping for our rainbow!

    Pregnancy Ticker
  • I am so sorry for your losses. I wish I could offer more but you know you always have a safe place here to share your feelings. hugs.
     Daisypath Anniversary tickers        Daisypath Happy Birthday tickers

    Oct Angel*BFP 1/25/14 * EDD 10/6/14 * US#1 2/26/14 *US#2 3/3/14 no heartbeat*d&c 3/12/14*

    BFP 1/17/15 * EDD 9/30/15


  • I'm so sorry for your loss. I glad today is a better day, I hope tomorrow is better than today. You are in my t&p.
    Me - 35 DH - 41
    TTC 06.03.2013 
    BFP 06.15.2014  EDD 02.25.2015  MMC 07.07.2014 Miso 07.18.2014 
                                                                 August TTCAL Siggy Challenge : WTF Tattoos
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  • I know exactly what you mean about the bond starting immediately.  I wrote down my m/c experience a few weeks after it happened as a way of coping.  My DH read it after I was done.  This is an exerpt from that story: 

    I had done it before.  Peed on a stick.  Each time that one lonely line stood there saying “not this time.”  But this day was different.  There was that old familiar line standing strong, but next to it was a faint pink line.  So faint that I sat there staring at it for who knows how long.  I even took a picture of it and enhanced the colors to make sure that there were two lines.  Two lines.  And just like that – I fell in love. 

                I never thought I could fall in love with a line, but it was so much more than a line.  It was life.  It was sweet snuggles.  It was late nights and dirty diapers.  It was the first day of school.  It was high school graduation.  It was moving off to college.  It was a wedding.  All in an instant, I saw an entire life.   I saw my babies life.  

    He said he had never thought of it that way - that he didn't instantly feel that connection.  It's something a mother experiences and it's hard to explain it to other people.  Even though we never met our little ones, we still love them like crazy and miss them.  We know that they weren't just flickers on a screen or lines on a pregnancy test.  We know they were humans.  Feel free to grieve - crying is a coping mechanism.  

    Ashleigh (26) and Darren (26)
    Married 8-10-13
    TTC since February 2014
    BFP #1 4-22-14  EDD 1-1-15
    8w u/s 5-22-14 Baby measuring 6w1d. Heartbeat detected
    Went to Dr. 5-30-14 due to bleeding. Prescribed progesterone
    Went to ER 6-1-14 2:30 AM - diagnosed with incomplete m/c
    6-6-14 natural m/c completed
    10-24-14 BFP #2 EDD 7-6-15 **Please** be our Rainbow 

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickersImage and video hosting by TinyPic
                                                                    BabyFruit TickerBabyFetus Ticker
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  • Thank you for putting the instant bond into words. I have not been able to form the words besides saying "how can I be this in love with someone I have never met nor was ever able to live?" T&P (hugs) for all.
  • Thank you all again :)  I wish you all didn't understand, but knowing that you do helps.  

    @CreechMommy- Thank you for sharing your story.  I began writing letters to my first baby, and eventually wrote a "final letter" when he/she gained a brother/sister in heaven after my second miscarriage.  I didn't have the heart to pick up the letter writing with this third pregnancy, but I've considered journaling/letter writing to all three angel babies.  
  • mrsjg2013-Thank you for sharing your thoughts, you have touched my heart and I am sending prayers of peace. 
    Four months ago my daughter passed during labor and is also in heaven. What comforts me each passing day is that she does not have to suffer this crazy life, she is blessed to be in heaven. 
    And it is okay to be sad and to cry and I do. It makes me feel better. Being open with my husband also helps. And yes, sometimes there are those days where you just have to fake it till you make it.
    I think writing letters even though it may be difficult is a wonderful idea. I will do the same. I have written poems, but I love your letter idea
    Thank you again for sharing, just writing this down has helped. 
    You have 3 beautiful angels, you Are a Mother, and I know that when the time comes to raise a child you will be excellent! 

  • Thank you so much @asanders19... you brought tears to my eyes.  I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter.  It does comfort me to imagine our little ones in heaven, just waiting for us to hold them someday.  
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