Am I the only hardened, bitter one?

gsancho

So I'm happily enjoying my vacation...when I make the epic mistake of checking facebook...the first 5 posts I see are 3 pregnancy announcements and 2 sets of newborn pics.  

I am blessed with some wonderful friends and have been blessed with a very fortunate life, aside from this IF crap.  But I often feel like if IVF doesn't work for us, I want to move to Europe and live a life where we only make friends with others who are child free by choice - or not by choice, but basically those who we know won't surprise us with an announcement.  I picture us with our child free friends, drinking fabulous wine, living some glamorous life along the Mediterranean - hahaha!  But then I worry it's a totally selfish thought.  Am I the only crazy one who wants to do this?  Tell me I'm not!

Aimothy

Nope. Another hardened, bitter over here.  In the last year, my DH and I have often searched for downtown condos to live the amazing childfree life that I know we'll have to have to make the dream of not being parents bearable. 

missmarypoppins

Yep me too. If we have to live CFNBC, I often think of us moving overseas and just traveling with no roots. I'm sure if the time comes I'll be able to except it after awhile but right now I just couldn't imagine living without a child and still living my same life here.

ExoticAntibiotic

Nope! You're not alone; that lifestyle sounds fabulous. We built a large home for all those babies we were going to have (loooool), so I do keep up with the housing market in case we decide to give up and sell. We'll also go with a large townhouse close to the city when we do sell. It'd be amazing to move to Europe but my husband's position ties us to the DC area.

Cindal

Not alone. We've talked quite seriously of picking up and moving. We've thrown out moving to Ireland or maybe someplace out west. Somewhere so far that I won't be tempted to visit all the places I grew up with as a child and can't share with one of my own, somewhere so far that it doesn't matter who else gets knocked up I won't be expected to be around them.

mm29

baby_blessings said:

Plus, I live in Utah...the land of eternal pregnancies.

Me too.  What valley?  

airidh80

We've also made plans if we have to live CFNBC. I doubt we'd move (our jobs tie us to the LA area), but we've decided we'll travel extensively. 

mm29

baby_blessings said:

@mm29 Utah Valley, what about you?

YGPM

jencity9

Not at all!! I am extremely bitter and would love to move away too but it just wouldn't be practical with the rest of our family here.

Sigh202

Definitely not the only one. My day was ruined earlier this week when I learned through Facebook that a co-worker had a kid almost exactly a year after they had gotten married.

mm29

I've been bitter for years. 

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LO95

Ah. DH and I were just talking about this today.

Aside from my mom, we feel that a majority of our extended family is toxic for us- very unsympathetic to IF and just basically shitty people in general.

As much as we dream of going to some beach town, I don't know that we will ever be able to afford that.  BUT vacations to cool places? Oh yeah.

RunCC37

Awww, I'm so sorry everyone feels this way. It comes in waves. Mostly these days, I am numb. Completely apathetic. I'm doing my best to just focus on the happy stuff. It's not always easy.

gsancho

Hoping4LO said:

I'm with you. We would either move to the east coast or Florida. I know there are pregnancies and kids everywhere, but I don't think it would bother me if it was people I hadn't known as long. It's hard to see friends who were married long before have kids. I know it's not a competition but it hurts.

I think that's more what got me today...by now, I can handle announcements ok, but the 2 I saw were from 2 of my really good high school friends.  Now I'm the last of our group of HS friends without babies  

pblge

I'm definitely a much bitter, angrier person now, but I'm totally jealous of all of your backup plans! We've never had that conversation, so we've got nothing.

I was the only HS person with no babies by about age 25. lol

*pg mentioned*
As an aside, I took about three months off FB and just reacitvated yesterday. The only pg announcement I saw was from an IF woman who was told IVF was her only option, but couldn't possibly afford it. They had just been denied funding via a couple different programs when she found out she was pregnant naturally. It made me smile.

Justone13

***child mentioned not mine***



Bitter, hateful and jealous. That's how I feel most of the time when I hear about someone else's kid/pregnancy. Only a recent bfp of a friend didn't bother me because she is undergoing ivf too. She's been through hell. But in other news I have step kids so of course taking care of them and not my own child is hard. Then to top it off My bonus kids put pictures on Instagram and fb constantly of their siblings. It's a slap in the face every time I see one. Id love to run away...but with my DH being tied to his kids here there would be no way. Yes I signed on to be a stepmom but I never thought that I wouldn't be a mom too. It's hard.

Sigh202

@gsancho. Thought of your post at the supermarket today. A guy came up to me and asked for money to feed his 5 young kids. I really wanted to tell him that I could not financially support his decision not to use contraception since all of my extra money was going towards having a child.

Hpearl

I was just having this discussion with my hubby on Friday.  Its baby, or sell the darn house and live elsewhere.    You are def not the only one! 

I think for me,  if I can't have children I will simply start a new life.    I work for a preschool as a manager.  It is a high stress, low paying job.   Maybe this is selfish,  but if I can't have kids I am so out of there.   It would just be too painful. I have other passions I could pursue,  and not having a 4 bedroom house to worry about (mortgage or otherwise),  and worrying about myself and my husband only would change my outlook on things. 

Life is too short.  This last two years has been really painful.   Feels more like 24 failures, you know? 

Who wouldn't want to run off to Europe and drink great wine?   

JuneBug629

I am so happy to see other couples that have "back up" plans. Honestly, I think our back up plan is what helps us get thru this hard time during ivf. Don't get me wrong, we would love to have a child but we do like to think we have an alternative plan too. We don't talk about moving away, but rather just traveling a few times a year and other things we will do. Baby dust to all!

LizBlue

Sign me up for hardened and bitter! We are pretty close to CFNBC and it gets harder and harder as we approach this last chance. MH and I talk in generalities about a backup plan, but just as often we'll slip and say, "when we have kids..." It's so hard to let it go.

I'll gladly join y'all at the beach for a cocktail or seven!

AngM123

We talk about this at least once a week. The only reason you live where I do, is to raise a family, therefore I refuse to stay here. I have very little family that I am willing to leave behind, but DH on the other hand has a very large family that makes him hesitant. I want to move south, somewhere warm and sunny and sit outside and drink as many cocktails as I want with my golden bronze tan. My only sacrifice I would make, is to buy some land here and mother as many fur babies as possible....horses, goats, pot bellied pig, bunnies, dogs, kitties, chickens....basically my own petting zoo

AMShark

I don't think we're all as bitter and hardened as we sometimes feel we are.... (though, ask me that question again the next time I'm at a BBQ with an inordinate amount pregnant ladies and new moms, and I'll give you a different answer).

We don't have a CFNBC back up plan, and now I'm wondering if we should.  I've always thought if we have to accept failure for IVF, we'll jump right into the adoption process, and hope and pray it isn't as painful and drawn out as IUI and IVF seems to be.  Even bad luck runs out at some point, right?

We do love to travel, but 5 cats says we'll be staying put the majority of the time, at least as long as we are burried in cat fur and kitty litter.

HCAMP123

Yes, bitter and tired of being bitter! I just hate that people are so unaware of our struggles, or at least, they know we have these fertility issues, yet are so unsympathetic, a friend of mine recently asked me to help her plan her daughters baby shower like 5 seconds after she asked me : "any luck with a little one?" Seriously, after asking me the same question for 4 years, she should buy a clue and plan her own $#% € shower!

ejrobbi

Lurker ... former poster... Siggy warning, loss mentioned..

No, you are not alone.   I hate facebook for that exact reason.  For the brief moment in time of being pregnant, I really thought long and hard if I would make a pregnancy announcement... it's weird because it's the thing you have hated so much for so long, but also the thing that you are secretly dying to do.  Obviously now after having a miscarriage it is a moot point but still I hate them but yet still fantasize about one day possibly having my official announcement.. sad I know but it is what it is.

On other notes, I too wish that being childless wasn't viewed with a stigma.  My husband and I went four wheeling this past weekend on our quads, that yes we own.. and i had a 'friend' i guess you could call it say, 'man I wish my husband and I could afford to do the fun things you and your husband could do, but we have kids... must be nice...' ... I really wanted to kill her, which I know is a horrible thought but geez lady you have no clue what I have gone through over the last several years.  I would kill for your life of 'just' getting to stay at home with your family on the weekends... but I can't have that, I may never will, so I am going to try and enjoy my marriage and my time, please do not judge me for that.

Ok thanks for letting me vent for a bit... I miss you ladies.

ktabs

The holidays is the only time I am bothered by it. I can't even handle facebook because it is a constant reminder. My husband had a great point this past year and it helped- ( mind you, I am not one to show off or brag but sometimes you just can!! ) during the holidays he spoils me with lavish gifts. We aren't wealthy or anything, just comfortable. So while Facebook friends show how "truly blessed" they are with children- I show how "truly blessed" I am with material things! Ha! It certainly doesn't compare but hey, they can't have shallow designer purses, but I can't have kids!

kittenmittens9

@gsancho the Mediterranean  is my choice for an alternate plan too!  Of course, we'd have to win the lottery first because I'm not moving to Europe unless I can hang around and relax and garden all day.  Really though, if we can't have kids we're just going to sell our house.  It seemed like a good idea at the time to buy a house to grow into. Now it's just a reminder of how naive DH and I once were. 

I tell people all the time that if you're not feeling well (or you're dealing with something difficult like IF) then you go right ahead and act however you need to act to make it through the day.