September 2014 Moms

Parenting question

Are y'all talking to your SOs/DHs about how y'all plan to parent or do you just tackle things as they come. We haven't really talked about it (should it be a formal conversation)? But for the most part we seem to be pretty much on the same page.
Ex: someone gave us a pack of binkies and he said he didn't really want LO on the binkie and to me it's nbd so I'll go along with limiting giving her a binkie if at all.
Something was bought up about co sleeping and we just both kind of had it in our minds that we didn't like the co sleeping idea (mostly because we're both restless sleepers)
So mostly everything that's been bought up to us, instinctively we just sort of agree on but it worries me that something will happen and we'll take, or want to take, VERY
different approaches to the situation.
Other FTM what are y'all doing, and STM how did yall make the decisions and what would you (if anything) do differently.
Disclaimer: I realize there's no guide to parenting and it's always different for everyone.
:) TIA
ECat504
SO
SD (11/2010)
DD1 (09/2014)
DD2 (10/2015)
Baby Girl #4 (11/2020)

Re: Parenting question

  • I think we're just going to go with the flow and deal with things as they come. There were a few things that I brought up to DH and I was really glad I did...b/c he had no clue. I think he's going to let me take the lead on some things since I've been reading up on stuff and doing my research. 
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  • DH and I have seen a lot of bad examples of parenting in his parents, which has sparked a lot of private conversation.  There are a lot of little things we haven't discussed, but we've both agreed and readily acknowledged that our communication and ability to operate as a team is the most important part.  I would just make sure you and yours are ready to stop and discuss things as a team. Consistence when raising children is HUGE.
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  • We talked about things like the pacifier and bed sharing ahead of time.. It's easy to agree on how to parent a baby. Agreeing on how to parent a toddler Or older kid is much harder. Will you spank? How do you deal with behavior issues? Etc. it's impossible to discuss everything that could possibly happen.. But I do sometimes wish we had discussed how we would handle discipline, as we have very different views.
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  • We take things as they come. I had a lot of ideas about what I would do and then when reality hit, my plans changed. We discuss major things, but I'm the researcher in the family, so I make more of the decisions and he just kinda goes along with them. And I've given in on things that aren't that important to me.

     

  • Everything before about 1 year old is just logistics, not so much "parenting" in my eyes. Should we allow a binky, who is taking to daycare, who is changing this diaper, ect. Once you have to start disciplining your child is when you really need to have a serious conversation about "how are we going to parent this child".
  • We've talked about this a great deal.  We both grew up very differently.  We don't always agree, but so far have been able to come up with a happy medium for most things.  (We'll see if that changes once Peanut arrives.)  The only thing we disagree heartily on is education -- he wants to push the child to learn as much and as quickly as possible so he can be out of college by age 18.  I (a school principal) have informed him that over my dead body will he rob my child of a childhood -- that if the child is intellectually gifted in that way, he won't need to be pushed.  :)
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  • DH and I have had lots and lots of conversations about parenting, since way before we ever decided to get pregnant. It's really important to me because my parents were not on the same page very often when I was growing up. This forced my mom to be the disciplinarian while my dad got to be the fun one, and she really resented him for a while because of it. DH was also raised very, very differently than me. My parents were super strict, while his parents let him do whatever he wanted.

    We tend to have conversations about problems we might run into it on a pretty regular basis. If we're watching a TV show, and one of the kids does something, we have a conversation about what we would want to do in that situation. I bring up things I read online or that my friends do, and we have discussions. A lot of times, we start on different sides of something but end up agreeing at the end because one of us has good reasons for feeling the way that we do and explains it well. I know it won't always be perfect, and we will disagree, but it makes me feel good to know that we seem to be on the same page with a lot of things and we'll be good at compromising in the future. I think it will make parenting less of a challenge, since we'll be on a team together instead of fighting against each other.
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  • You can talk about the binkies and things like that and that's great but in the end I feel it needs to happen on a daily basis as you literally never know what a kid is going to throw at you!

    Dh and I have years of parenting older kids (from previous relationships) but this will be our 2nd together. It's the things that come forward every day with dd2. I want her to be able to hold my hand in a parking lot and walk with me in the store, dh says that's his baby girl and then carried her around like a princess. Um, hi. I'm the one that goes places alone with all of the kids while you're at work. He sees my point now and is working on correcting her behavior when he's around.

    You absolutely have to have a running conversation on what is working and what is not. Trial and error will happen and there will be times that you just have to meet in the middle. Always talk it out and don't stay pissed because you both think your way is best.
  • Honestly, the two of you can sit down and discuss this over and over but it will change once baby arrives. When it comes to newborns, there is no plan! You'll just do what works and figure it out as you go. Don't stress about it.
  • Have lengthy convos about your respective childhoods, what you did/didn't like about your parents styles.

    In the moment always back each other up, you can sort it out later.

    It's okay to change your mind. I sometimes even tell my kids and husband this midstream.

    Kids are smart, it's okay for daddy to do his bedtime his way and you to do it your way. They'll figure it out and then you'll get a night off. This transfers to many routines.

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  • Good for you for thinking about it, but I think PPs are probably right. You'll have to take things as they come and be open.  And remember, you are partners for a reason...so the chances that you'll disagree majorly are likely slim!
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