How to help DH connect

klm03013

I can't remember if I posted here during this pregnancy, so I hope it's okay to ask a question. I figured you all would understand the most.

I am currently 20 weeks along after two losses. I am happy to be this far along, though I am sometimes still nervous about another loss. DH has admitted that he is even more nervous than I am. He doesn't ever rub my belly, talk to the baby, or try to feel a kick. He is reluctant to do things like work on the nursery or register. It makes me sad and like I am experiencing this pregnancy alone.

How can I help him bond with this baby? Is it better to leave it alone and wait for him to come around? I'm worried that he will miss out and regret it.

2redtulips

My DH hasn't grabbed my belly as much as I expected, either, and he dawdled so much on the nursery. When he did finally paint the nursery a few weeks ago, though, and when we worked on the decals together last weekend, I felt him start to get more excited.

I think it's hard for guys. They are not the ones carrying the baby and bonding before birth. I really think their bonding starts after birth - especially once the baby starts to laugh and interact.

For now, maybe have him do things that are more about taking care of you: giving you back rubs or foot rubs, or finding your favorite ice cream flavor, etc. Show him you still need him as a husband. The baby bonding will come.

[Deleted User]

I think even without prior losses it is hard for men to connect to an inside baby. I think for a lot of them it doesn't become real until they are actually holding the baby. DH took good care of me while pregnant but the second DS1 was born he totally became all Papa Bear and fiercely protective of him. While some of our maternal instincts kick in while we're pregnant, I think a lot of men don't get to that point until there's an actual baby to be cared for on the outside.

I agree with involving him in the process, whether it be decision-making for baby purchases or just to ask him to put lotion on you or something. It will remind him that even though you're carrying the baby, his role is also important. But don't worry if he truly doesn't feel connected until LO is here, though.

mmsweeney1

My husband and I both struggled to connect or feel secure with this pregnancy at the beginning. I think he slowly relaxed as the weeks went by and he could visibly see her move my stomach and bounce around. Now we are just a few weeks away, and he still doesn't want me re-washing sheets or clothes or putting in the car seat because he is just so afraid that we will jinx something. As much as I feel like the pregnancy is out of my control, I know it has to be even worse and more nerve-wracking for the husbands.

I think the best thing is just keep telling your husband what's going on in there, like when you feel a crazy movement or hiccups or something, and try to let him ease into the relationship with the baby. I'm sorry you feel alone though!

kateitho

    While I pretty much planned the whole nursery, I had DH help with paint colors, wall art, and shelving.  Then when I drug him to register for baby stuff, I put him in charge of toys.  He got really into it, and asked if he could register for a digital camera.  I told him of course! I hadn't even thought of that.  He's been getting really touchy-feely with my belly, but that didn't happen until a few weeks ago when LO's movements started getting insane.  I've also gotten him several funny daddy books like Bill Cosby's Fatherhood, My Boys Can Swim, and Go the F*ck to Sleep... He loves the books, and I think they're helping him see that daddyhood is going to be fun.  

    We had some serious conversations a few weeks ago, and he said that he's just terrified that if something were to happen after we've made it this far, he's afraid of losing me emotionally or completely.  I had never honestly thought of him having these deep fears this late in our pregnancy, but it makes his distance make more sense.  My advice is to nurture your husband, and try to get him to talk about what he's dealing with right now.

Patch89

This reminds me of my situation a while back when I was 12 weeks preg. Due to prev losses I THINK my husband was trying not to get too excited until we passed our milestone ( 22 weeks) he didn't really talk about me being preg or ask how i was feeling and i remember thinking to myself how selfish!! it wasn't until i hit 30 weeks he's realllllllly come round to the whole rubbing my belly / talking / asking about preg etc. like sometimes its too much! when putting the nursery together around 27weeks he was all  hands on deck and loved looking at baby accessories / crib / moses basket etc and it surprised me. but i let him take lead. I think he was holding back and trying not to get too caught up? just 'in case'  as silly as that sounds, i guess everyone deals with prev losses/ grieves differently. Maybe just give it a little time? hope all gets better soon for you x