Stay at home dad problems

syang5

thechickencoop said:

syang5 said:

 

dandelionhater said:

discobelle said:

Threads like this make me appreciate my own spouse SO much.  I left micromanagement behind when I left the corporate world; there's no way I'd want to deal with it here at home.

Yep seriously I would hate to live like this poor guy is.

Wow really? Sorry, if you don't have anything constructive to say I think keeping it to yourself is the way to go.

Poor guy - yes poor guy who has a wife who works over 8 hours a day, comes home and feeds and gets our son to bed so that you can have a break and then she does all of the grocery shopping on her days off so that you have food to eat and have one less thing to worry about. Not to mention handles all of the finances so that you don't have to worry about that. Wakes up in the middle of the night multiple times a night because she is our son's main food source and still wakes up at 530 am to go get ready for work, bathes him on the weekends because you do it during the week. Let's you watch hours of tv while she is pumping because she couldn't get enough milk for DS for the day. Yep, poor guy!

Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and he is great but I know damn well I put in more than my fair share of the work in this family and this is an exceptional week - not something I expect of him every day.

Why don't you suggest that he goes grocery shopping during the week?  When I was adjusting to staying home (and it was a looooong adjustment, 4 months of PPD, then a few more waiting for meds to regulate) going to the grocery store was one of my favorite parts of the week.  It sounds so freakin lame, but it was always nice to get out of the house, no matter what the weather was, and because it was on a weekday, the store was usually close to empty.  There are always old people there that oooh and aaahhh over babies, lines are short, and if LO has a meltdown, you can leave.  

We've discussed this, but for the same reasons (baby is fussy/couldn't get ready in time) he's never been able to go and yes I have gotten frustrated but this is after 4, 6, 8 weeks.

I guess after hearing everyone's opinions we are still adjusting, and will need to come up with a plan that makes us both happy.

syang5

diapersnwipes said:

Wow, this snow balled. OP, none of us know your life. We only know what you tell us and them we read between the lines and make assumptions on this missing parts. Your tone came across as harsh. You may have a legitimate issue with your H not doing "his fair share" but the answer to that is not to yell at him for sleeping in. Your focus is all wrong. I think the board mostly took issue with you basically telling your H how to do his job. That doesn't work for most couples especially when there is a SAH parent. Too much dictating can lead to resentment. FYI- 7 months is no walk in the park. They tend to get into stuff at this age. The biggest issue w a baby is they can't tell time. They don't care about your schedule, your routine, your plans, the fact that toilets need to be cleaned. They just don't give a damn. They want to eat or be held when they want and it's usually the moment you start doing something. By nap time all you want to do is sit and not be touched or cried at. It can be really hard to do much during the day. I hope you guys can figure this out.

Totally agreed this snowballed and yes I can see how I came off in my initial post, but I guess it was just the frustration in me. I do see how my focus was off and will discuss with DH with more perspective.

Trust me about understanding that babies cannot tell time as I am usually a zombie at work because of the many nights where DS decides he wants to play or be extra fussy when mommy has to get up in two hours.

I know that we'll get through it.

AprilLVE

OP, could you at least temporarily throw some money at the problem?  Hire a cleaning lady, even if infrequently, buy grocery delivery or curbside pick-up or even do more take-out?  You sound like you are stretched a little thin, and maybe you could do some things like this to ease the burden on you which in turn would make you feel a little less antagonistic toward your husband?

I'm pretty much your husband right now.  I have a 6 month old.  I get up when she does.  There are plenty of days where I don't get a darn thing "done" and plenty of times I have the hubs bring home take-out.  

syang5

AprilLVE said:

OP, could you at least temporarily throw some money at the problem?  Hire a cleaning lady, even if infrequently, buy grocery delivery or curbside pick-up or even do more take-out?  You sound like you are stretched a little thin, and maybe you could do some things like this to ease the burden on you which in turn would make you feel a little less antagonistic toward your husband?

I'm pretty much your husband right now.  I have a 6 month old.  I get up when she does.  There are plenty of days where I don't get a darn thing "done" and plenty of times I have the hubs bring home take-out.  

We live in San Francisco, so unfortunately with one income we can't really afford the extra nice-to-haves although we do order out a lot when both of us are too tired to cook.

But we are moving to the mid-west in October so it may become more affordable to this.

Disneygeek77

Again, just try to understand from his side too. If that is all you got from your post here, then we did our job.

Try to imagine how you would feel if your husband came to your workplace with a list of duties he felt you should get accomplished during your day.  How would you feel if he said 

-Did you get this, this and this done ?

-Well why not, what were you doing ?

-What do you mean you didn't have time, your job is easy, there is no excuse for not getting this done.

-Well you got a break didn't you.  Couldn't you have done these duties during your break ?  

-You took an hour lunch break, you don't need an hour to eat, what in the world did you do with the rest of your time ?  If you had time to goof off on your break, then you had time to do this.  

-You needed a break ?  From what ?  Your job is easy ?  

-What do you mean this stuff can wait till tomorrow and it's no big deal ?  You don't do anything all day, you should be able to do this today ?

He then lists off all of the stuff his does and By God you should be grateful for all that he has done for you.  

Just stop and think how you would feel if he said this to you.  Now, I know you probably don't say those exact things to him, but maybe that is how it comes across to him.  You are a loser, you are a waste of skin, you are a child, you don't know what you are doing, I can do everything better than you, I have no respect for the fact that you are doing what you can to take care of our child, I don't appreciate you, you have it so easy, YOU ARE NOT MY EQUAL.  Think about how that would make him feel.

Honestly, sometimes you just have to let the house stuff go.  That is the best advice I can give you.  Just let it go.  Like PP said, unless you live in squalor, just let it go.  This is a hard time for both of you and you just have to focus on the big stuff like keeping that child alive and making sure you both don't lose your mind.  If that means the laundry piles up, there are dirty dishes in the sink, there are toys everywhere and your carpets need to be vacuumed, that is ok.  Right now you both are still in survival mode and it is ok to extend a bit of grace to  each other.  

Disneygeek77

Yeah a bit, but it can suck to have a spouse that doesn't respect when you stay at home.  My husband never talked to me like that, but I have friends and family whose husbands do and there were times I wish they could have a taste of their own medicine and have someone come to their workplace and say the same things to them that they tell their wives.  

Mostly, I was trying to get the OP to empathize with her husband a bit.  Throughout her posts, I got the impression she has no idea what he does all day, all she can focus on is what he doesn't do and it doesn't matter if you work outside the home or in the home, it sucks to have someone only focus on what you don't do.  

Andrewsgal

feffany said:

@Disneygeek77‌ Damn, that was kind of over the top, DYT?

Actually it was well written and thought out. I think it was perfect.

Andrewsgal

OP I have to agree I think your husband needs to work, put your child in a quality daycare and hire out the other stuff.

penguingrrl

How did you and YH come to the decision that he should be a SAHP? It doesn't sound like a great fit for your family to be honest.

Disneygeek77

Oh yeah, I definitely got that impression too.  

Especially, when she listed ALL THAT SHE DOES FOR HIM.

I just...I don't know, wish she could think outside of herself for a bit and extend some grace to the guy.  They are having a hard time right now and she needs to shut up about the stupid laundry.  There are also days when the kids wipe me out mentally and I do let my husband take care of them while I watch a show or two.  TV relaxes and destresses me.  Maybe I'm a lousy wife because of it, but being around crying and whining all day is draining.  

Andrewsgal

Honestly she sounds like the dominant one who makes all the choices. I would put money on the fact that she insisted he SAH so precious wasn't in DC. No surprisingly he isn't happy because who would be if this decision was forced on them.

syang5

I love all of the assumptions that are being made about me, but I can't say I blame you all since I do the same thing when I hear parts of a story.

But to clarify, we discussed the importance of one of us staying home when I was pregnant and decided that he would. While I was on leave we continued to discuss it and like I said I can empathize with the struggles of being at home, so we did continually discuss and I reminded him of how hard it is. He didn't grow up with his parents so it was something he really wanted to do since it made sense financially. Maybe we didn't realize what we were getting into, but who does when you have kids?

Anyway yes I am the dominant one, but he is no pushover. We both know our roles in those terms.

I have taken everyone's opinions in and have no problem admitting when I'm wrong or apologizing . I agree that I may have overaccted in this particular situation but in general, yes we both need to figure out what works best.

As other have commented yes I am stretching myself pretty thin and it does annoy me when I am struggling to stay above water while my DH was able to finish a whole season of Weeds on Netflix and never seems exhausted.

wesleycrusher

syang5 said:

They are home almost everyday and I have asked him to join me for lunch, take DS out for walks or to the park, but DH's usual response is that it DS was being too fussy that day or he just didn't have enough time, which I totally understand, but when that's the response everyday it makes me wonder.

We've discussed this, but for the same reasons (baby is fussy/couldn't get ready in time) he's never been able to go and yes I have gotten frustrated but this is after 4, 6, 8 weeks.

I guess after hearing everyone's opinions we are still adjusting, and will need to come up with a plan that makes us both happy.

Does he ever leave the house with the baby?  Are you saying week after week he has excuses why he can't leave the house?  

Staying home is hard, and I do think it's difficult to understand how if you haven't done it.  Even still sometimes my DH will make a comment and I think he doesn't *really* get it.  So I can see that coming into play here, but at the same time, I don't think it's too much to ask for him to run an errand or two during the week. Maybe we go on Wednesday instead of Tuesday if we have a bad day, but during the course of the week it gets done. 

syang5

Leftie22 said:

I get what you're saying, and I understand why you're frustrated that you're exhausted and your DH isn't. But I think you might be going wrong by assuming that everything is going to get done. You can't do it all, of course, that's only fair. But don't make the mistake (which I have also done) of assuming that your DH will be able to do everything you can't get to. Instead, accept that maybe no one is going to do it for a while. It's not going to get done. As long as it isn't related to everyone being fed and bathed and having a (messy) roof over their heads, it's okay. I was in your shoes, except I'm the one at home. I finally realized after our second baby and feeling like I'm drowning all the time, that no one is going to do this stuff right now. And that's fine! Agree on what absolutely has to be done, and forget the rest for a while. Then, instead of using all your free time to do chores, sit your butt down and watch some TV! Read a book! Go for a walk! You're only burning yourself out and making yourself miserable. Your DH has the right to downtime, and so do you. So clear some stuff off your plate WITHOUT putting it on your DH's plate. Just put it in the "no one will do this right now" pile. Then relax. Get up when your kid gets up. Trust me, it only gets harder. If you don't take time for yourself now, you'll be a mess by the time your kid is 2 or you have another baby. And I say that as a total train wreck who just fell apart after having baby #2. My floors are disgusting and I no longer care, or expect DH to clean them if I can't get to it. Relax, mama, and take care of yourself first. I really wish you the best and hope you and your DH can both take a break.

THANK YOU!

syang5

wesleycrusher said:

syang5 said:

They are home almost everyday and I have asked him to join me for lunch, take DS out for walks or to the park, but DH's usual response is that it DS was being too fussy that day or he just didn't have enough time, which I totally understand, but when that's the response everyday it makes me wonder.

We've discussed this, but for the same reasons (baby is fussy/couldn't get ready in time) he's never been able to go and yes I have gotten frustrated but this is after 4, 6, 8 weeks.

I guess after hearing everyone's opinions we are still adjusting, and will need to come up with a plan that makes us both happy.

Does he ever leave the house with the baby?  Are you saying week after week he has excuses why he can't leave the house?  

Staying home is hard, and I do think it's difficult to understand how if you haven't done it.  Even still sometimes my DH will make a comment and I think he doesn't *really* get it.  So I can see that coming into play here, but at the same time, I don't think it's too much to ask for him to run an errand or two during the week. Maybe we go on Wednesday instead of Tuesday if we have a bad day, but during the course of the week it gets done. 

He does go out every now and then but I would say 90% of the time they are home. This is our first so I know he's also nervous going out on his own.

rosesandpetals

When DD was 4 months old, I spent all my free time zoning out. Being around a screaming baby all day every day is tough. And seriously, I am being honest and don't mean to pile on or sound like an ass here, but I think you're being unreasonable. Getting up with a 4 month old doesn't qualify as "sleeping in", I guess I get to sleep later than DH but every single day he gets to shower without a screaming person following him around, he gets to use the bathroom by himself, he gets to have conversations with adults, he gets to eat lunch sitting down without fear of being interrupted by someone screaming in his face. The grass always seems greener on the other side, I think you sound kind of resentful and if you'd rather he go back to work then tell him that.

If DH ever told me to get up early to do chores, we'd be having a serious conversation about me returning to work. The housework in our home is split 50/50, I would tell him to get up early and throw in a load of laundry sans baby if it's so easy. I know stuff needs to get done for the party but I also think that was a little unrealistic. We had DD baptized when she was 3.5 months old and we had family stay in hotels and we had the reception at a restaurant because there was no way I could have gotten the house clean enough to host without DH and I clawing each other's eyes out. You need to have realistic expectations. Maybe just admit this wasn't the best idea and try to muddle through it.

Something else to consider, we had (and many people on this board have) someone come and do all the deep cleaning in the house. This was seriously the best money ever spent. When I had a choice between much needed sleep and scrubbing the toilets, well, that wasn't much of a choice. But again, you have to do what works for you.

And just FTR, my DH does the grocery shopping with DD every Saturday morning. He also got up with her at night when she was 4 months old. I don't think you're being fair to your DH. This is the reality of having a SAHP. They stay home with the kid, but it is a non-stop thing you never get a break from. Imagine if you came home from work and your boss were standing in your living room with another list of shit to be done. It's hard being a SAHP because you don't get a daily escape from that. My mood improves drastically when DH takes DD or we get a sitter and go out *by myself* and do something for me. It's overwhelming otherwise.

So GL. Hope you figure it out.

syang5

cjcouple said:

ok I didn't read every post but I have to say I completely see OP side on this. my dh was a SAHD before I was a SAHM and I was super frustrated with dh because I would come home to a disaster every single day. seriously, not even picking up his own dirty clothes and putting in the hamper or putting his dishes in the dishwasher. i was literally in tears over the state of the house day after day. I couldn't do it all. not should I have had too. i worked long days. I left at 5:30am and got home 13 hours later. it wa extremely frustrating to come home to that pit all the time. The thing is DH needed a kick in the ass. he was being lazy and horrible at time management. when he went back to work he was a much more motivated guy. now he runs and has been training for Marathon. he function better a WOHD. he was a just bad SAHP, that is probably mean but the truth. when I became a SAHM he actually commented that he realized how poorly he handled the kids/house. He admitted he could have done more and didn't. it isnt fair to expect the only working spouse to do most of housework just like it's unfair to expect the sahp to do it all. op like others said, talk to him and you will make it through.

Thank you thank you!! Someone who totally gets where I am coming from. I'm starting to realize that maybe he is just not a good SAHD and maybe things would work better the other way around.

rosesandpetals

syang5 said:

cjcouple said:

ok I didn't read every post but I have to say I completely see OP side on this. my dh was a SAHD before I was a SAHM and I was super frustrated with dh because I would come home to a disaster every single day. seriously, not even picking up his own dirty clothes and putting in the hamper or putting his dishes in the dishwasher. i was literally in tears over the state of the house day after day. I couldn't do it all. not should I have had too. i worked long days. I left at 5:30am and got home 13 hours later. it wa extremely frustrating to come home to that pit all the time. The thing is DH needed a kick in the ass. he was being lazy and horrible at time management. when he went back to work he was a much more motivated guy. now he runs and has been training for Marathon. he function better a WOHD. he was a just bad SAHP, that is probably mean but the truth. when I became a SAHM he actually commented that he realized how poorly he handled the kids/house. He admitted he could have done more and didn't. it isnt fair to expect the only working spouse to do most of housework just like it's unfair to expect the sahp to do it all. op like others said, talk to him and you will make it through.

Thank you thank you!! Someone who totally gets where I am coming from. I'm starting to realize that maybe he is just not a good SAHD and maybe things would work better the other way around.

Please come back after 3 months at home and tell us if you're still getting up early to do chores.

syang5

rosesandpetals said:

syang5 said:

cjcouple said:

ok I didn't read every post but I have to say I completely see OP side on this. my dh was a SAHD before I was a SAHM and I was super frustrated with dh because I would come home to a disaster every single day. seriously, not even picking up his own dirty clothes and putting in the hamper or putting his dishes in the dishwasher. i was literally in tears over the state of the house day after day. I couldn't do it all. not should I have had too. i worked long days. I left at 5:30am and got home 13 hours later. it wa extremely frustrating to come home to that pit all the time. The thing is DH needed a kick in the ass. he was being lazy and horrible at time management. when he went back to work he was a much more motivated guy. now he runs and has been training for Marathon. he function better a WOHD. he was a just bad SAHP, that is probably mean but the truth. when I became a SAHM he actually commented that he realized how poorly he handled the kids/house. He admitted he could have done more and didn't. it isnt fair to expect the only working spouse to do most of housework just like it's unfair to expect the sahp to do it all. op like others said, talk to him and you will make it through.

Thank you thank you!! Someone who totally gets where I am coming from. I'm starting to realize that maybe he is just not a good SAHD and maybe things would work better the other way around.

Please come back after 3 months at home and tell us if you're still getting up early to do chores.

It's not about doing chores and that's not what my original post was about. like @cjcouple says it is a job - not everyone is going to be good at it and maybe our DHs just aren't. It's about balance and we just haven't been able to acheive that yet.

lexusolsen

syang5 said:

rosesandpetals said:

syang5 said:

cjcouple said:

ok I didn't read every post but I have to say I completely see OP side on this. my dh was a SAHD before I was a SAHM and I was super frustrated with dh because I would come home to a disaster every single day. seriously, not even picking up his own dirty clothes and putting in the hamper or putting his dishes in the dishwasher. i was literally in tears over the state of the house day after day. I couldn't do it all. not should I have had too. i worked long days. I left at 5:30am and got home 13 hours later. it wa extremely frustrating to come home to that pit all the time. The thing is DH needed a kick in the ass. he was being lazy and horrible at time management. when he went back to work he was a much more motivated guy. now he runs and has been training for Marathon. he function better a WOHD. he was a just bad SAHP, that is probably mean but the truth. when I became a SAHM he actually commented that he realized how poorly he handled the kids/house. He admitted he could have done more and didn't. it isnt fair to expect the only working spouse to do most of housework just like it's unfair to expect the sahp to do it all. op like others said, talk to him and you will make it through.

Thank you thank you!! Someone who totally gets where I am coming from. I'm starting to realize that maybe he is just not a good SAHD and maybe things would work better the other way around.

Please come back after 3 months at home and tell us if you're still getting up early to do chores.
It's not about doing chores and that's not what my original post was about. like @cjcouple says it is a job - not everyone is going to be good at it and
maybe our DHs just aren't. It's about balance and we just haven't been able to acheive that yet.

The thing is, it's never just one thing. Cj still said you can't expect your dh to do it all. Just because you think you could if you were a SAHM doesn't mean your dh should have to. You took the part of her post that you liked and ignored the rest.

You are so worried about things being fair but marriage, like any other team, isn't about who has the more important job and making sure it's fair.

It seems like you both feel unappreciated. Maybe it's time to rethink whether or not this arrangement is working for you guys.

syang5

lexusolsen said:

rosesandpetals said:

syang5 said:

cjcouple said:

ok I didn't read every post but I have to say I completely see OP side on this. my dh was a SAHD before I was a SAHM and I was super frustrated with dh because I would come home to a disaster every single day. seriously, not even picking up his own dirty clothes and putting in the hamper or putting his dishes in the dishwasher. i was literally in tears over the state of the house day after day. I couldn't do it all. not should I have had too. i worked long days. I left at 5:30am and got home 13 hours later. it wa extremely frustrating to come home to that pit all the time. The thing is DH needed a kick in the ass. he was being lazy and horrible at time management. when he went back to work he was a much more motivated guy. now he runs and has been training for Marathon. he function better a WOHD. he was a just bad SAHP, that is probably mean but the truth. when I became a SAHM he actually commented that he realized how poorly he handled the kids/house. He admitted he could have done more and didn't. it isnt fair to expect the only working spouse to do most of housework just like it's unfair to expect the sahp to do it all. op like others said, talk to him and you will make it through.

Thank you thank you!! Someone who totally gets where I am coming from. I'm starting to realize that maybe he is just not a good SAHD and maybe things would work better the other way around.

Please come back after 3 months at home and tell us if you're still getting up early to do chores.

It's not about doing chores and that's not what my original post was about. like @cjcouple says it is a job - not everyone is going to be good at it and maybe our DHs just aren't. It's about balance and we just haven't been able to acheive that yet.

The thing is, it's never just one thing. Cj still said you can't expect your dh to do it all. Just because you think you could if you were a SAHM doesn't mean your dh should have to. You took the part of her post that you liked and ignored the rest. You are so worried about things being fair but marriage, like any other team, isn't about who has the more important job and making sure it's fair. It seems like you both feel unappreciated. Maybe it's time to rethink whether or not this arrangement is working for you guys.

I don't expect him to do it all. Like I've said time and time again, I know things are going to be not as clean as they used to be and I am find with that and it's not even about the housework, it's just about each of us feeling comfortable with what we are handling and also where do you draw the line between the adjustment period of staying home and maybe a little bit of laziness? 

Andrewsgal

OMG after all this you really still think he is just a lazy ass. @-). Seriously the only way this is going to work is if he goes back to work. You just don't get it.

Andrewsgal

cjcouple said:

dandelionhater said:

OMG after all this you really still think he is just a lazy ass. @-). Seriously the only way this is going to work is if he goes back to work. You just don't get it.

eh he does sound lazy but that is the picture that was painted.

how do we all know he isn't being lazy? maybe I missed it but what is her dh accomplishing?

Today Luke cried every single time I put him down like screamed. I even held him peeing. I got nothing accomplished the breakfast dishes are still in the sink. Laziness FTW!

orangegoggles

Eh, I see your points OP. It is frustrating that he still hasn't gotten the hang of things. I side eye the fact that he still doesn't feel comfortable enough to leave the house with him often. I mean these beginning months are usually the easiest to get out and about. Now that my son is older its a lot harder getting him to stay in stroller, entertained, etc. 

I haven't read everything so I apologize if I'm repeating anything or missing out but it actually sounds like he is depressed or just really bad at multitasking or insecure about his abilities.  I get that babies are hard, yes I do. However, the fact that he never gets things done (or rarely) is bizarre. Like when he's napping or in a bouncer he can't throw a load of laundry in? I think one of the hardest things about being at home with an infant is the sheer exhaustion from getting up throughout the night and if I'm reading this right-shes getting the majority or all of the time. 

I think you guys have to discuss if he's happy or not. I've been home and I've worked and IMO my life ran a lot more smoothly and I was happier when I was home but this is ME (and probably the fact I only have one kid right now, ha!) My H would be miserable and would probably become depressed. Everyone is different so maybe it really is hard for him and he does feel overwhelmed. 

Another thought-is he a parent who feels guilty not entertaining him 24/7? Like some people don't like putting their kid in a bouncer or play mat by themselves for 15 minutes to shower, do dishes, etc. Maybe he's putting to much pressure on himself. 

syang5

dandelionhater said:

OMG after all this you really still think he is just a lazy ass. @-). Seriously the only way this is going to work is if he goes back to work. You just don't get it.

I'm not saying he is a lazy ass but yes he does have lazy tendencies! He plays cell phone games all of the time, watches hours of tv per day - I understand that we need to do these things to unwind but when you are able to do these things consistently or as much as someone who didn't have a child it makes me wonder.

Agreed I need to communicate with him better and we need to find what works for both of us.

Andrewsgal

cjcouple said:

dandelionhater said:

cjcouple said:

dandelionhater said:

OMG after all this you really still think he is just a lazy ass. @-). Seriously the only way this is going to work is if he goes back to work. You just don't get it.

eh he does sound lazy but that is the picture that was painted.

how do we all know he isn't being lazy? maybe I missed it but what is her dh accomplishing?

Today Luke cried every single time I put him down like screamed. I even held him peeing. I got nothing accomplished the breakfast dishes are still in the sink. Laziness FTW!

but you do contribute to household chores. maybe not today but according to OP he doesn't help. at all??

your marriage is a partnership.

Yes but my part in that partnership while DH is at work is keeping my kids alive. It doesn't mean I am lazy at all.

syang5

orangegoggles said:

Eh, I see your points OP. It is frustrating that he still hasn't gotten the hang of things. I side eye the fact that he still doesn't feel comfortable enough to leave the house with him often. I mean these beginning months are usually the easiest to get out and about. Now that my son is older its a lot harder getting him to stay in stroller, entertained, etc. 

I haven't read everything so I apologize if I'm repeating anything or missing out but it actually sounds like he is depressed or just really bad at multitasking or insecure about his abilities.  I get that babies are hard, yes I do. However, the fact that he never gets things done (or rarely) is bizarre. Like when he's napping or in a bouncer he can't throw a load of laundry in? I think one of the hardest things about being at home with an infant is the sheer exhaustion from getting up throughout the night and if I'm reading this right-shes getting the majority or all of the time. 

I think you guys have to discuss if he's happy or not. I've been home and I've worked and IMO my life ran a lot more smoothly and I was happier when I was home but this is ME (and probably the fact I only have one kid right now, ha!) My H would be miserable and would probably become depressed. Everyone is different so maybe it really is hard for him and he does feel overwhelmed. 

Another thought-is he a parent who feels guilty not entertaining him 24/7? Like some people don't like putting their kid in a bouncer or play mat by themselves for 15 minutes to shower, do dishes, etc. Maybe he's putting to much pressure on himself. 

Yes he is really bad at multi-tasking and he definitely feels he needs to enterain 24/7. He is a great dad don't get me wrong, but yes this a bump in the road for us and we will need to have a heart to heart.

Andrewsgal

cjcouple said:

dandelionhater said:

cjcouple said:

dandelionhater said:

cjcouple said:

dandelionhater said:

OMG after all this you really still think he is just a lazy ass. @-). Seriously the only way this is going to work is if he goes back to work. You just don't get it.

eh he does sound lazy but that is the picture that was painted.

how do we all know he isn't being lazy? maybe I missed it but what is her dh accomplishing?

Today Luke cried every single time I put him down like screamed. I even held him peeing. I got nothing accomplished the breakfast dishes are still in the sink. Laziness FTW!

but you do contribute to household chores. maybe not today but according to OP he doesn't help. at all??

your marriage is a partnership.

Yes but my part in that partnership while DH is at work is keeping my kids alive. It doesn't mean I am lazy at all.

be honest AG, when to had one 7 month old, did you seriously not help dh clean the house for the past 3 months while he was at work? do you just let him do everything? no way.

op has a right to complain here.

Honestly I can still remember how overwhelmed I was with one baby. Now that I have three it makes me laugh but yes there was a lot of time I got nothing done. I would have been heartbroken if DH was complaining I was lazy.

lexusolsen

Cj- I creepy internet heart you, but I disagree. She said so herself, she's jealous and doesn't think he is doing enough compared to everything she is doing for him. At the very least, they have completely different ideas for a SAHP.

rosesandpetals

CJ are you really saying you agree that her H should get up early and do the laundry? Being a first time parent is absolutely overwhelming, and he likely doesn't have the type of support we (as mothers) had. I had my pick of moms groups, we know from the people who post on TB that not everyone is welcoming of dads in those groups. He's taking care of his infant every day, then his wife comes home and says "I work sooooooooooooooo hard all day, the least you could do is get up early and do laundry!" Uh, he's working too. Why doesn't she get up and do laundry? Why doesn't he hand her a chore list, she's the one who gets 8 hours a day without the kid.

He should be helping, absolutely. But I think inviting family to stay with you when you have a 4 month old was setting yourself up for failure. And she said she gets up to BF... when I got up to BF, DH got up too. He changed DD and reswaddled her while I finished pumping. He wasn't getting any more sleep than I was.

And again, it is not about the freaking chores, she's treating him like a maid. A list of things to do? Really? Remember when someone posted in the FFFC that her husband asked her to mop the floor when he was leaving for work and she only cleaned the dirty spot and everyone was all "OMG I would be so pissed, I would have handed him the mop instead of cleaning it." How is this different?

trizzie

I think it boils down to you wish you were the one staying home. And that's okay.  But, I imagine your DH doesn't come in and tell you how to do your job at work? I think your desire to stay home is making you even more nitpicks and frustrated.  My role is much like AG's, my job is my kids.  House stuff is a distant second. My DH and I split house responsibilities and yes, I have a housekeeper.  Keeping up the house was never on my radar when we decided I should stay home.  Taking care of my kids was my goal. I am honestly not trying to flame you or pile on (I really don't care for either of those things), but that is how I see it from the snapshot of your life that you have posted.

rosesandpetals

And saying "I think I would be better" is making me think you want to SAH and are looking for an excuse to justify giving up your big salary to do it.

Keeptruckin

The easiest solution is that you each have your own work day. You go to work, your husband takes care of the baby. No cleaning, cooking, etc just keep baby healthy and safe. When you get home everything is 50/50. You take baby and your DH makes dinner. You bath baby, he gets him to sleep. After you both tackle the house. You both take turns for night feedings, if you pump. As baby gets older he may find time to throw a load of laundry on, etc, maybe not. Like others said, out source it then. Weekends you all grocery shop together, etc. Good luck!

orangegoggles

I don't know...who cares if she's jealous. I would be too. It sounds like he has it made. He gets to be with one child all day and play and doesn't have to get up at night, do ANY chores-per the  post, and she's working and doing everything else. (Unless he really is seriously depressed then I take it back because being depressed is f-ing awful). 

rosesandpetals

cjcouple said:

CJ are you really saying you agree that her H should get up early and do the laundry? Being a first time parent is absolutely overwhelming, and he likely doesn't have the type of support we (as mothers) had. I had my pick of moms groups, we know from the people who post on TB that not everyone is welcoming of dads in those groups. He's taking care of his infant every day, then his wife comes home and says "I work sooooooooooooooo hard all day, the least you could do is get up early and do laundry!" Uh, he's working too. Why doesn't she get up and do laundry? Why doesn't he hand her a chore list, she's the one who gets 8 hours a day without the kid.

He should be helping, absolutely. But I think inviting family to stay with you when you have a 4 month old was setting yourself up for failure. And she said she gets up to BF... when I got up to BF, DH got up too. He changed DD and reswaddled her while I finished pumping. He wasn't getting any more sleep than I was.

And again, it is not about the freaking chores, she's treating him like a maid. A list of things to do? Really? Remember when someone posted in the FFFC that her husband asked her to mop the floor when he was leaving for work and she only cleaned the dirty spot and everyone was all "OMG I would be so pissed, I would have handed him the mop instead of cleaning it." How is this different?

first the list is for both of them. and yes, if laundry needs to get done and he zones out after she is home after work. absolutely get up early to throw a load in. why does she have to do it all?

Because instead of saying, "Hey, DH, can you toss in that laundry now that DS is asleep?" She says, "I have to get up at 5:30 and you 'sleep in' every single day, you are lazy, get up early and do the laundry." I am calling BS that if your DH called you lazy for getting up with your infant that you wouldn't be hurt.

rosesandpetals

cjcouple said:

cjcouple said:

CJ are you really saying you agree that her H should get up early and do the laundry? Being a first time parent is absolutely overwhelming, and he likely doesn't have the type of support we (as mothers) had. I had my pick of moms groups, we know from the people who post on TB that not everyone is welcoming of dads in those groups. He's taking care of his infant every day, then his wife comes home and says "I work sooooooooooooooo hard all day, the least you could do is get up early and do laundry!" Uh, he's working too. Why doesn't she get up and do laundry? Why doesn't he hand her a chore list, she's the one who gets 8 hours a day without the kid.

He should be helping, absolutely. But I think inviting family to stay with you when you have a 4 month old was setting yourself up for failure. And she said she gets up to BF... when I got up to BF, DH got up too. He changed DD and reswaddled her while I finished pumping. He wasn't getting any more sleep than I was.

And again, it is not about the freaking chores, she's treating him like a maid. A list of things to do? Really? Remember when someone posted in the FFFC that her husband asked her to mop the floor when he was leaving for work and she only cleaned the dirty spot and everyone was all "OMG I would be so pissed, I would have handed him the mop instead of cleaning it." How is this different?

first the list is for both of them. and yes, if laundry needs to get done and he zones out after she is home after work. absolutely get up early to throw a load in. why does she have to do it all?

Because instead of saying, "Hey, DH, can you toss in that laundry now that DS is asleep?" She says, "I have to get up at 5:30 and you 'sleep in' every single day, you are lazy, get up early and do the laundry." I am calling BS that if your DH called you lazy for getting up with your infant that you wouldn't be hurt.

of course I would be hurt. but it would never reach that point because we both contribute. he is not contributing.

How do you know that? She said he helps in her OP.

TNChick

I, personally, would be livid if he had time to watch hours of TV and couldn't manage anything else. To me, it sounds like he isn't cut out for the sah gig. I also majorly side-eye the never leave the house thing. That just doesn't seem healthy for your child or for your husband. I would seriously discuss whether being at home is something that he wants to do, or if it would be best for your family if you arranged for another option.

rosesandpetals

discobelle said:

In the OP, he was "extremely helpful" and watched tv AFTER he did laundry and cooked dinner.  

Why are people saying the dude does nothing at all now?

Yes, this!

Mars*Bars

You are not going to get many sympathetic responses posting on a message board. Your audience spends a lot of time posting on here instead of keeping up with the laundry I agree the two of you need to communicate and re-evaluate your current schedules and workload. He should not be expected to do everything around the house, but he should not spend all of his time on his phone and in front of the TV. With how you explained it, I would be livid too. With one kid, you should have time to get a few things done. Sounds like a lot of mommy martyrs around here today are jumping all over you. Does your child ever nap?? I stay at home with 4 kids under 5. I want the time we DO spend together after husband's work and on weekends to be fun family time and not chore time, so I try to do what is reasonably possible during my time at home. I look at everything as a 50/50 split which means I DO set my alarm and get some stuff done and have a few minutes to myself before the chaos starts. Not that that is for everyone, but that is how my family survives. I also make sure I take an hour to myself in the afternoon while the kids are napping and in quiet time to read or do whatever I feel like doing that doesn't involve meal prep and laundry. After I get my baby down to bed for night, I take a walk or a run while my husband finishes up the bedtime routine. I also throw a load of laundry in first thing in the morning. Get it in the dryer sometime in the afternoon and fold during TV time at night. Yes, it gets behind, but he should be able to figure out how to keep SOME of the wheels turning.

syang5

Ok this thread is snowballing out of control. I hate arguing with people over other people's problems and don't like that some of you are doing it with my problem - it's not necessary.

Anyway thanks for all of the comments, I'm very surprised this got as many as it did but I will be leaving this discussion now. But to clarify no DH is not a lazy ass, yes he does help out, does he have lazy tendecies, in my eyes yes. Do I think he needs to get out more, yes.

I will pick this up with him and I know everything will work out. All in all this was a vent, built up frustration, maybe a little bit of jealousy, stress, built up annoyance but we will survive and do what's best for our family. Thanks for all of the thoughts good and bad!