Hospital and coming home

rachaelreeves

One of my friends asked me about who I want with me, aside from my hubby, while we are at the hospital delivering.  I am not a social person by any means, so I want no one at the hospital.  Like not even to come visit.  I look at it as I'm going to be working incredibly hard to bring this little person into the world, and it's going to be painful, messy, and absolutely exhausting.  Beyond just that, I'm going to be learning how to feed this new person I'm responsible for, and both DH and I want to take full advantage of the time we have in the hospital by soaking up as much advice and everything as possible from the medical staff.  For me, it's a learning experience, not a social experience. 

Which led her to ask about when we come home.  I know without a doubt that I want one week without visitors.  No parents, grandparents, friends, etc.  I figure after the physical aspects of giving birth, I'm going to hurt.  We're going to be exhausted, I can practically guarantee you now that I'm going to be cranky, and the last thing I will want to do is get up to personally get ready to have people over, pick up around the house (because didn't you know your brother-in-law's girlfriend's cousin was able to have a baby, look like she just stepped off the runway, and keep her house looking like it came out of Better Homes and Gardens?), and socialize with people? When I just want to sleep?  I want one week.  One week for us to bond with our little one, for the dog to accept that this little person who screams is sticking around, for us to develop some kind of routine and figure stuff out for ourselves.  And one week for me to discover what I actually need help with and when I can tell people to save their breath.  Not to mention, the dog has PTSD, but he loves kids, so we're SO not worried about that.  But part of the PTSD is that he is SUPER protective of us, also not worried about that with the baby, but it means every time someone gets close to the door, or the doorbell rings, he has to bark and make sure everyone knows.  So I'm hoping that in that first week he learns that when he barks the baby is going to scream and won't bark as much.  Can't you all see it now? The baby will have just fallen asleep and you're ready to cry tears of joy that you get a nap too, and the doorbell rings and the dog barks and the baby wakes up and you just want to sit and cry.

For me personally, inviting people to come over and meet the new baby the day after we come home is like calling everyone up and saying "Hey, I've got the FLU! But party at my place, so be here!" 

 

So my husband asked me the same questions the other night, and we agree on the hospital part, no visitors, etc, which I think he WILL stand firm on because he admitted to me that he feels he needs to learn as much as possible because he has never held a baby before let alone changed a diaper.  Which I knew, but I liked hearing him admit it.  So we're going to take classes, but I know he's going to have a lot of questions while we are in the hospital about everything under the sun related to baby.  But when we got the part of the talk about what happens when we come home, I said something about how it would be nice if we just didn't tell anyone we went into labor and were home until the week was done and we were "ready" for visitors, and he got really quiet, which is not a good sign. He agreed that the week of just us sounds like a good idea... but that's going to offend a lot of people.  So I think this is where we are going to have a pretty serious fight on our hands.  Which is silly because he's not much more of a fan of socializing than I am, so I'm wondering if he just doesn't fully understand what we're walking into.  But what do I care about offending people? I'm the one pushing a baby out of my body.  Besides, it's not like people would stay mad for long because they would want to come see the baby.  This is our first, but I worked as a nanny of a newborn before, so I've got a better idea of what we've got a head of us.  My friend and I were emailing and I got back three massive paragraphs about how I need to be careful to not offend people because what if we need help later on and because we didn't want people over right away no one is willing to help us?

So I'm sitting here with the questioning look on my face thinking, "I'm not allowed to do what I feel is right for my family because I might hurt some feelings?!" What about my feelings when the brother-in-law's girlfriends said some pretty rude things when we announced to his side of the family that we were expecting? What about my feelings when NO ONE was excited for us on his side? I'm not exaggerating either.  The subject was changed in less than 5 min. It's my thought that our parents and grandparents should understand that we want time alone to get into the swing of things, and the rest of the family and friends can just deal.  If you are someone who truly cares about us, then you would respect our wishes and leave us alone for a bit.  After all, I'm the one who is going through all of the pain and hard work, so why don't people care about not offending ME? I'm the one who's going to be fiercely protective.  Offend me, and no holding the baby for you.

 

So now I need the opinions of other preggy people.  Am I blowing this out of proportion? If you guys wanted the same things as I do would you be just as upset?  Not only because both DH and my friend are basically telling me it's a bad idea because I'm going to hurt people's feelings, and because I feel like DH should be more supportive.  Yes, it's his baby too and all that, but I'm the one who has to do the hard work and deal with the pain after.  And do I really need to care about whether or not I offend people?  Cuz let's be honest.  Right now I couldn't care less.

 

 

beachy6

No matter how other people feel, if this is what you want, it's your right. Everyone feels differently about visitors after a birth and I'm sure you're not the only one who doesn't want them for a bit.

You probably will offend grandparents and maybe other family, but if you are okay with that, it's your life and you certainly can do as you please.

Just like any part of your birth plan, be open to your feelings changing when the time actually get here. You will want to show your LO off and you will need a break, especially in the beginning when you aren't feeling well. However, there are lots of people who's family lives far away and they don't get a break, so it isn't necessary, I guess. I'd say, just play it by ear and try to get on the same page with your DH so family doesn't try to sway your decision, whatever you decide to do.

ASmallWonder

What you want is what you want but having done this twice I think you're overly worried about how much alone time you'll need. Limit it, sure, but personally I couldn't make grandparents wait a whole week for one little visit. But having two I have the benefit of a different perspective - I couldn't tell my older son he couldn't be around and he was a lot more to deal with than two adults lol

allurah2014

Your post oozes of self entitlement...I, I, I, me, me. Based on your post and the way it reads, you're very unyielding so you didn't come here for advice, you came for affirmation. I couldn't imagine waiting a week to tell my parents and in laws that their grandchild was born. It seems cruel and unnecessary.

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CreativeD1

Take the time you need, but be ready to explain it to parents, friends and siblings in a way that will not offend or create resentment in your family/circle.  I am sure that they are very excited for you and DH and the new addition to the family.  Be empathetic towards them and understand that they are genuinely excited for you and give them some respect in this degree with respect to how you treat your communications with them. 

As far as not telling them, that is unfair and cruel in my opinion.  Close family and friends should be informed when you have the baby.

Perhaps once baby arrives a party or get together might be helpful in that it will be for one afternoon with everyone invited and you can avoid the countless visits, etc. 

Weezy56

How much longer do you plan to pull the I-had-to-do-all-the-work card?Because when it comes to making decisions about your child that bull needs to go out the window. Yes that is applicable to certain circumstances (such as choosing your birthing method, who you want in the room when you deliver, etc) but you seem to be taking it to the extreme. That's not fair to your husband.

Tapsalteerie

You sound like you are intentionally looking to start a fight with your DH and that is something you do not want to do the first week of bringing home a baby.

We get it, you are pushing the baby out.  But this is your husband's child as well.  And while I feel some of your wishes/expectations should be acknowledged, you need to respect what he wants for his child as well.  Otherwise, this isn't going to end well for anyone.  Your child included.

ASmallWonder

I know it's hard to see beyond the now but picture 30 years from now and you're the grandparent. Wouldn't you be super hurt to be made to wait a week to meet your grandchild? To be told you're more trouble than can be handled?

kristend125

I remember after having my first, the constant, steady flow of visitors that came to visit. I ABSOLUTELY hated it! I think they all knew it, too. I knew better the second time around and didn't have anyone come to visit except my mother and sister. I only wish that I thought about how I'd feel after giving birth the first time--I was so irritated by everyone's presence and the constant interruption of family and friends, and my husband's friends,  while I was trying to breastfeed! 

I completely agree with you on this. I would suggest though that you think about having someone to help (maybe your mom, or a sister?) after you get home. You will be exhausted, and want someone there to cook, do some cleaning, even let the dog out, and take the baby while you catch up on rest--at least that was my personal experience. I was so glad on both occasions to have my mother and sister there for whatever I needed!

GinnyJ2012

Several things came to mind in that seriously long post.

1. Don't wait a week to tell people you've had the baby. If you don't want visitors at the hospital/ first week home then calmly and politely explain that to people.

2. Your dog won't magically stop barking at the door of the baby cries. My toddler cries when the dog barks at the door and has since day one. He's 21 months old. Putting a sign over the doorbell that is obvious saying "baby is sleeping please don't knock or ring bell. Call if you need us" has worked. It eliminated the UPS man and random visitors waking everyone up.

3. Stop with the "I pushed the baby out and have all the pain so all decisions are mine!!!!" You and your H need to make these decisions together. It's his baby too.

4. Why is your house magically a huge mess because you had a baby? Get it tidy and organized now and you won't have to clean/pick up much once baby comes. It's not like they play with toys and run around.

ASmallWonder

@kristend125‌ nice you had YOUR mother and YOUR sister. Do you have a boy? Better hope your DIL is nicer than you were.

rachaelreeves

Thanks everyone, that was exactly what I was after!

conradraging

Oooooh snarky op. But really you got some great advice here.

ashiscute

Holy overreacting!  You are going to hurt a lot of people if you wait a week to tell them you had a baby.  I do not even begin to understand how that would work logistically.  

Also, I agree with PP who said you might change your mind once the baby is here.  I really didn't want anyone in the room with me but my mom and MIL ended up staying when DD was born.  I thought I'd care so much but honestly by the time I was ready to push I wouldn't have cared if George Clooney was in the room.  

I think you should just tell people you would like some space at the beginning and you may not want visitors at the beginning.  

missnacholover

We are also doing no one in the hospital while I'm in labor, however we will allow visitors once we feel comfortable (probably later that day or the next day).

As far as when I come home, it's not going to be an open door policy but I'd never turn away grandparents.  We may limit length of visits and avoid having them come over at 9 am and camp out until after dinner, but I think that having them there will be a nice break for me and DH.  Plus, this is a special time for them too.  DH and I have already agreed to not be shy about kicking folks out when we've had our fill.

I think you're being a little bit too harsh and controlling.  And I highly doubt you will be on any sort of schedule after a week. 

lmlee15

Holy moly that was a lot to read... If I didn't tell my parents and DH parents and our close families they would be devastated. Have the conversation with your DH about the hospital, you both played a role in the creation of this baby and should have equal say. There are plenty of classes and things you can read, etc before the baby is born. And as for the dog... I agree with the PP who said to work on training and also someone mentioned putting the sign on the front door. When people are coming to visit either put the dog outside for a potty break or crate train them and have them in a separate room. I have 2 dogs and the one is a serious barker, I have no denial that she will get better in the next 4-5 months and will know she upsets the baby when she barks....  but getting her use to the sound of a baby and training her the best we can is the only option. I ultimately think you will be surprised at the number of people you know who will be considerate and will naturally wait for you to say it's okay to come visit or what not. Most people understand what it is like to bring a new baby home and that it's a huge adjustment.

path75

I am a little freaked about people watching me in labor. I am also afraid my husband may be pushed aside unintentionally. But I would rather have people visit at the hospital than at my home. My advice is let them visit after birth and get the meet and greet out of the way. That way when you go home you can wait for visitors.

SSCmomma

I don't disagree about using your time at the hospital as wisely as possible for learning but can't say I agree about the no visitors for a week after thing. I get not wanting a parade of "looky loos" thru the house but you may find you need some close family/friends. You are still going to have sooooo many questions after leaving the hospital. It could be helpful to have some people with some child experience (such as your folks or in laws) just to help or lend an ear. Maybe compromise and limit visits but not rule them out. Tell your family that you would like some time in the mornings\evenings to have time you just you, DH and baby but maybe afternoons are okay. Just dont set any hard rules beforehand. Wait to see how things go and how you'll feel after baby arrives.

momthatlifts

My dad and sisters and mil didn't see baby until the next day. Granted I was put on magnesium and if anyone knows what it's like, it's extremely unpleasant. I was cross eyed and sooooo out of it. I didn't get to go in to the l&d recovery rooms because I needed to be monitored for my bp. I was in a Dark room with no windows. I was very stressed and upset. It was probably best for my bp anyways. Still ended up having to stay a 3 days. So I think I had an excuse for making them wait. My grandparents just met her on the 4th but that's because they don't travel and we haven't had a chance to get up there.

You just seem like you want to be a little controlling.

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yvanehtnioj

Instead of lying, why don't you own up to your decision by actually telling people you don't want them there? Pretending you didn't have the baby is cowardly.

Beevol

I didn't tell any of my family that I went to the hospital until after I had my DD - that is the only way to avoid a scene if you have pushy family IMO. In terms of no visitors at the hospital after the birth - that's going to be trickier to navigate, especially if you ask for no visitors for the first week at home either. I don't know how close you are with your family/friends, but for me this would not have been possible without completely withholding the announcement of my daughter's birth until after that week and that's just a touch too weird for me. 

Also, you may change your mind about the strict no visitors at home that first week thing - my sister came over to pick up my house/do my dishes and bring me groceries once or twice that first week (in exchange she held/took care my DD while I showered). It was glorious. That being said, I had a couple of friends who came to visit and expected to be entertained and I just didn't bother entertaining them - you'd be surprised how easy it is (with socially reasonable people) to gracefully get across the message that this is no party and that this should be a brief visit.

If you decide that you're really not feeling it, give the grandparents/close family a heads up ahead of time and fight the battle before the birth - there will be a battle and you will need to fight it. The last thing you want is to shock them and deal with their feelings and a big fight that first week. 

2goingon3

Agree with the majority. You are way overreacting, life will not be as difficult as you think it will after baby is born, and people who come visit generally keep it short. (And this is coming from someone who has a pushy family!)

I whole heartedly agree that you don't need anyone at the hospital during delivery, but you're over estimating how much pain you'll be in afterwards (assuming you have a complication free birth).

So, yeah, take it down a notch. You're bringing a new little life into this world and it's an occasion for celebration, it's not a chore. One week alone with baby will not make you an expert on your child, so it's a moot point being pushy about that part.

Enjoy. Your kid has family that consists of more people than just you.

MaybeKatie10

I'm shy and I thought I'd be too uncomfortable to have people visit us in the hospital. But after I actually gave birth, I found I didn't give a bag of fucks as long as someone wanted to cuddle LO and let me rest my aching arms.

And I'm STILL blaming LO for my messy house....and those suckers STILL buy that excuse! It's wonderful. 

flcl

Having gone through this not too long ago myself, I can somewhat empathize with your nerves on having visitors.  There are however, several thoughts that come to mind... (some of these are repeats as you've gotten a lot of good advice from PPs).

1) Having people visit you in the hospital is actually a nice deal.  You don't have to clean, feed, or entertain people and most are respectful about not overstaying since you've just been through childbirth.  Plus, you can always have the nurses help you kick anyone out when you're tired.  Hospital visitors may be a welcome break in your day.

2) It is unfair to your dog to expect him to unlearn a behavior that you've allowed his entire life in just a week.  Start working on training now and even then, don't expect your dog to understand his barking = baby crying.  Just like a newborn's cry, a dog's bark is his way of communicating.

3) Waiting a week to let family know about the birth of another family member is cruel.  What if your DD/DS does this to you?  It is also unrealistic that you guys will have any sort of routine in a week.  

4) Your LO isn't even born yet and you're already using him/her like a chess piece.  "Offend me, and no holding the baby for you."  This is a really crappy way of helping your LO establish long lasting and loving relationships with people.

5) This is DH's baby too.  This is your parents grandchild, your MIL's grandchild.  Yes, you are carrying LO, pushing, giving birth to him/her.  You're doing "all" the work.  Just remember that caring for "preggy" ladies is not always easy and I'm guessing keeping you happy is no walk in the park.

GL.

ETA: autocorrect

JennaRaek

Oh wow.

I agree.. I didn't want anyone at the hospital. Just DH and I. Our parents and family respected that and didn't come visit until the next morning. By that time I was able to shower and put some normal clothes on. Obviously you're going to be sore and tired... but it worked out well for us. It's what I hope to do this time around too. If I told my and DHs family they couldn't come see the baby for the first week... they would be SO hurt! And not even telling them you had the baby?? When my water broke in the middle of the night I called my mom just to let her know and told her to stay put. And for the dog... We have 2 dogs that bark allll the time! The baby gets used to noises before it's born. Our newborn never woke up when the dogs barked or when I would run the sweeper because those are all loud noises he was used to already. I don't know. You're only 15 weeks along. I'd chill a bit and think all of this over AND talk to your DH! I think you'll regret some of these things later. Just my opinion.

Jenrileysmom

I preferred having visitors at the hospital because when I got home I didn't have to worry about my house being cleaned up for company. All the important people in our lives had already met the baby. 

MrsP7309

Jenrileysmom said:

I preferred having visitors at the hospital because when I got home I didn't have to worry about my house being cleaned up for company. All the important people in our lives had already met the baby. 

This. We called our families after DD was born and told them what time to come by the hospital (about 10-12 hours after DD was born, giving us a good window of time with just the 3 of us). Since there were structured visiting hours, I didn't need to be the bad guy about asking people to leave. I also didn't have to worry about the state of my house, my barking dogs, or hosting.

I'm also going to just ditto everyone else. Waiting a week to tell your families about the baby is a bad idea.

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MNgirl326

At the delivery it was my DH and my mom.  That is what we wanted and we asked everyone else to wait until we called and gave them the news.

The day LO was born we requested no visitors that first day because LO had some breathing issues and also we were getting settled into our room and I was trying to learn how to nurse.

The second day, however, it was like a revolving door of visitors.  Which was fine, we didn't mind.

When we got home the first day, yes it was nice, but then we were like, holy crap we have this HUMAN to take care of and we have no idea what the eff we are doing.  So we called my mom and had her come over and help us.

We also went out the 4th night to a family get together.  Even by day 2 we were dying for some adults to talk to.

OP - take it one day at a time.  What you want now vs what you want when the baby comes may change.  Lighten up. 

kristend125

@elmoali Wow OK I didn't realize this issue could make people so mad! To answer your question I DO have a boy. And a girl. And just so you know, even though it is none of your business, we had moved across the country at that point and hubbys parents weren't around, anyway. Every woman handles birth and the the period after delivery differently. It can be extremely stressful, so if I were to do it again I would not choose differently! My mom and my sister for that first few days, and ONLY them, besides my husband. Get over yourself. Accept that every woman and every family dynamic is different, and the bottom line is you don't have any right to tell someone how they should feel or that they are being selfish. When my children are grown and have their own kids,

kristend125

I will offer my help but respect their wishes. Those first few days are about THEM; nobody else.

ASmallWonder

lol