How to properly honor my deceased MIL?

LCparr

My MIL passed away three years ago to breast cancer and my husband and I would love to honor her in some way by naming our daughter after her. Her name is Carrie. Two other first names that my husband and I like are Sloane and Isla. She was from Colorado and loved everything about it; the mountains, Denver Broncos, etc.

On another note -- we haven't asked my FIL if it would be too hard on him or "uncomfortable" if we named our daughter after his late wife. We want to be sensitive to the fact that the whole family would have to be "OK" with calling her Carrie and not being upset every time they had to say her name. Our family is ridden with men, so needless to say she was such an influential person to us all and her passing has left a big hole in our hearts.

My initial feeling is that by naming our daughter Carrie it could help the healing process and quite literally resemble "new life" or a "re-birth" for us. My husband (and I) really feel that at the very least we need to have his father's blessing, and maybe even his two brothers (?).

Have any of you been through a similar situation?? What did you decide, and how did you handle it?

Thanks for your input!!

Dr.Loretta

I would say either Carrie Estes or Carrie Elizabeth. I lean more toward Carrie Elizabeth, because then you get to "put your stamp" on her name, so to speak.

We have not been through a similar situation. DD's MN is a family name on his mom's side, and his grandmother is thrilled that we used her maiden name for a MN. We didn't run it by her, but it's a very different situation from yours. I would definitely let your FIL know why you want to use the name, and let him tell the other brothers.

LNic5

I like Carrie Elizabeth the best, but if the family will have too hard a time with it then I agree with putting it as the middle name. That way it's still there and honouring you MIL but doesn't have to be said/heard all the time.

ajdubya126

I'm leaning towards Carrie Elizabeth just so that she has her own identity. I do love Carrie Estes! I don't like Peyton Manning, so that's clouding my vision and influencing dislike for Carrie Peyton. I like Sloane Carrie, but prefer Carrie Sloane.

We named our son Joel after my deceased BIL. I never met him, but he was important to my husband and I love the name Joel. That being said, my DH and I were both adamant about not giving him the exact same name, so he has a different middle name. In fact, my FIL is also named Joel, but all three of them have different middle names and nicknames--my FIL is Big Joel or just Joel. Everyone called my BIL "Little Joel" when he was alive. My son is "Joely." 

LisaG09

I think you should run it by your FIL and if he is ok with it then I like Carrie Elizabeth or Carrie Sloane. However should he not be ok with it I like Isla Carrie even though the flow is slightly off.

My cousin married a man named Grant who had a brain tumor. We only knew him for less than a year before he passed. My sister helped my cousin care for him during his last few months and when my sister learned that she was pregnant a few months after his death, she asked my cousin if she could name the baby after her late husband. She agreed and when we learned the baby was a girl my sister decided to name her Lydia Grant but when the baby was born, he was actually a boy! She named him Grant.

For the first few years, we pretty much always called him Baby Grant and if we said "Grant", everyone knew we were talking about the late Grant. It's been 10 years and we don't call him Baby Grant anymore. It worked out just fine and Baby Grant is so proud to be named after his cousin-in-law who we all have such fond memories of.

You definitely need to ask permission especially on a first name and remind everyone how cool it will be for the baby to have this connection to her grandma. I know it's been three years but I'm so sorry for your loss and I hope you work something out that suits everybody.

divinemsbee

I think this is definitely something that you and your H need to bring up with both his dad and his brothers. If they're okay with it, I like Carrie Elizabeth the best.

catwine

My Aunt died a few years ago so my cousin named his daughter after her (actually, my cousin's girlfriend did while my cousin was in prison).  The child had the exact same first, middle and last name as my dead aunt and it is honestly kind of creepy. 

I think it's sweet to want to name your daughter after your MIL but I'd use Carrie as a middle name instead.

macchiatto

I'd actually go toward Isla Carrie. I would lean toward putting her name in the middle name spot. If you do use Carrie as a first name, I don't think you necessarily need to also have a MN honoring her.

jnnfrrose6

I don't think you need to use Carrie + something else that honors MIL (your first 2 options). I'd use Carrie + a name you like (love Elizabeth with it and that it's your name) or a name you love + Carrie or one of the other meaningful names (though Carrie is best IMO).

ErinGoBragh77

My MIL also passed away 3 years ago to cancer and we used her name as our DD's middle name (born in February).  I don't love the name (Lois) but wanted to honor her.  I think it's sweet that you want to use MIL's name and hopefully your FIL and BILs will be on board as well. 

VOR

If you talk to his dad and brothers, I would suggest that you phrase it in the positive.

Don't go in saying "Um, well.. we were thinking of Carrie.  But would that be too upsetting to you?".

Instead, say "As MIL meant so much to us, we really want to honor her and right now Carrie is the front runner.  How do you feel about that?". 

lauraplusbaby

I voted for Carrie Estes because of the meaning, but love the sound of Carrie Elizabeth. I don't think you could go wrong with your list though.

momo21

We went through this exact situation, actually. My late MIL was Kathleen Nan, and she went by Kathy. We named our daughter Kathleen Elisabeth, and she goes by Kate mostly, even though Kathleen gets used often too. We did talk to my FIL and DH's three siblings before, and got their okay. (When she was first born, and before Kate became her go-to name, my BIL did comment that it was kind of weird to call her Kathleen.) Besides seeing if they would be okay calling a baby by their mother's name, I also wanted to make sure that DH's sisters didn't want to use the names themselves. (For some reason, because they were the daughters, I thought they should get first dibs.) My SIL did end up using Kathleen as a MN for one of her daughters, but she wasn't interested in it as a first name.

The difference is that MIL had been gone for 17 years at that point, so the pain might not have been as fresh. I do love that my daughter has a connection to her grandmother, who was apparently a really special person. We often talk about her, and even at three, DD understands that's who she was named for.

I also like that, while MIL went by Kathy, Kate has a different nickname. I think if you go for Carrie, you should use Elizabeth or another name that you love as the MN so that your little Carrie has something of her own. (Although I love Colorado too and love the sentiment of Estes or Peyton.)

Good luck!

lmlee15

What about Carrie Sloane?  I think it is very wonderful to name a baby after someone meaningful from your life and such an honor! Is there some way to include your FIL in the conversation? What does your DH think? Carrie is a beautiful name! Good luck!

LCparr

Thank you so much for all of your input! It really helps getting completely unbiased opinions about the situation.

I completely agree with the suggestions to use either Carrie as the first or middle name, and then choose another name that is special to my husband and I for the other. I definitely want my daughter to feel as though she is her own person, and not feeling like she has to "fill some void" for the family. 

I really appreciate many of you sharing your similar stories, and how you handled speaking with the family. I've shared these suggestions with my husband and he completely agrees that we definitely need to have a one-on-one with his Dad to have his blessing. 

Thanks everyone -- this was my first post and it has been a real success!! What a great community!  

LCparr

mom21 -- Wow, I can't believe how similar our situations are! I guess I never really thought about asking his brothers to see if they wanted to use Carrie for any of their future children, so thank you for putting that into perspective for me. I think it's probably because neither of them are even married so I suppose I thought my husband and I just got "the right" because of the fact that I was so close with her personally and their future wives won't have even known her. But that's probably me just being selfish. Thanks again for sharing, it really helps knowing you're not the only one going through a sensitive situation like this.

LCparr

ErinGoBragh77 -- thank you for being honest about how you felt about the name Louis. I struggle with similar feelings because before Carrie passed I have always had a list of other names that I loved, and I have been having really guilty feelings for not being 100% sold yet. It's not that I don't like the name Carrie, but it wouldn't have been my first choice if I were to just pick a name out of a baby book. It's definitely growing on me though and I can already start to picture what she's going to look like! 

Also, I was never to fond of Carrie as a middle name - just really didn't think it had a good ring to it - but I'm going to revisit that now seeing all of these great suggestions. 

blessed2585

I think that is very sweet to honor your mother in law like that. I would talk to your family and see how they feel about it. Congrats on the baby!

momo21

LCparr said:

mom21 -- Wow, I can't believe how similar our situations are! I guess I never really thought about asking his brothers to see if they wanted to use Carrie for any of their future children, so thank you for putting that into perspective for me. I think it's probably because neither of them are even married so I suppose I thought my husband and I just got "the right" because of the fact that I was so close with her personally and their future wives won't have even known her. But that's probably me just being selfish. Thanks again for sharing, it really helps knowing you're not the only one going through a sensitive situation like this.

No, I don't think this is you being selfish. I can see how if the brothers aren't even married, it might be a different situation. One of my SILs was actively trying to get pregnant for six months or so when we got pregnant, so I already felt guilty for getting pregnant quicker than she did! And she was pregnant by the time we had our baby, so it wasn't an abstract situation.

I will also mention that, like you, Kathleen would not have been my first choice for a name. I really liked it, but I was on board more for the sentimentality. Now, of course, I love it and can't imagine my daughter as anything else! I'm now pregnant again and am excited about possibly using a girl name from my list...

msmeg26

How about coming up with something that could be the initials CAR or KAR but not Karrie as a name? If that's possible depending on LOs last name. 

I have a good friend who is Kathleen Anne R. and goes by Karrie. I have another friend who's late sister was a Carrie, and they used it as a middle for their daughter: Anne Carrie.