first time mommy needs help from not first time mommy's! (or anyone) — The Bump
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first time mommy needs help from not first time mommy's! (or anyone)

Alright. I have been a complete stress bomb. I literally have no idea what to do. Okay so my husband comes from a very crunchy family and lifestyle, his mom is a doula for starters.. so I am pretty sure even before I got pregnant I was expected to give birth naturally and probably in my home. I did not grow up thinking that way, and while I respect that and really look at all the knowledge they have and think it's beautiful, I don't know if I can do it. At least not for this birth. I think. I am 4 and a half months pregnant and I feel so stressed and unprepared for this. Here is a little background as to why..this pregnancy was not planned, I have a terrible skin condition, that no doctor can figure out, sleep is a challenge every night..I struggle mentally daily from sexual abuse I had..I honestly don't feel very mentally stable, I mean I don't feel suicidal or whatever but I just don't know how mentally prepared I can become because I want focus on healing myself mentally/emotionally/physically as much as possible before my sweet baby comes. I know preparing for a natural birth takes lots of preparing in every way. I have my husband and his family telling me tons of risks are at stake if I get an epidural. I am scared. I don't want to disappoint anyone. Including myself. I don't know what is the best..so I need you ladies to help share what you did, why you did it, and honestly what you think I should do. I have no friends and my family lives far away. I just need some advice from the outside. Please help me. I write you in tears.

Re: first time mommy needs help from not first time mommy's! (or anyone)

  • I'm on my 2nd baby I'm currently 35 +3 days, on my first I had an epidural and found it great I was completely numb from my stomach down but aware at the same time, there are no risks with an epidural only they say you may find it harder to push as you don't get the natural feeling to bare down and push you've to basically do it yourself, also you are bed bound for up to 6hours after it depending on how long the effects wear off, but honestly I found it great. As for yourself mentally it's good you're speaking about how you feel, think positive you'll have you're bundle in your arms before you know it, maybe make an appointment with your gp and explain how you feel it's perfectly normal to be feeling like this when pregnant due to hormonal changes etc. As for pain relief in general ask your midwife they will be able to inform you on the types of pain relief and what exactly they do and if you go for either of these options you should not feel guilty at all they would not offer pain relief if it was going to harm us or baby, you are the one who is going to be doing the hard work after all :-) hope this has helped you in some way! Feel better and chin up xx
  • aehl14aehl14 member
    Be proud of the fact you can recognize your want/need for help and are able to voice and act on that need! I fully believe you will be more than ready when you need to be but if it helps you can always find someone to talk to (social worker, friend, psychiatrist, coffee buddy... doesn't matter) either before or after your babies birth. It doesn't make you anything but strong to speak up. Sometimes women just need someone to talk to that hears their words! I wish I would have done that before I had my daughter, relying on her father as my only support was pretty stressful no matter how much he tried (I don't really have friends or family either).

    Your baby will help you decide when the time comes, I wouldn't worry too much about natural vs epidural. You can only do what feels right for you and if someone else doesn't like it thats just too bad!

    I was all set on getting the shot, maybe an epidural later if I needed it. Honestly when I was induced I was playing cards with my fiance (and winning!) and laughing with the nurses. At 7cm I was finally ready for the shot but by the time they came in I was already at 10 and involuntarily had her without any drugs at all! I lived and it really wasn't that bad. The worst part was having the need to push and being told not to. I ignored them and she was out 2 minutes later.

    Your baby and your body will tell you what you need. No matter what you decide it will be the best decision for you. You already know what your decision is if you don't like what people are telling you. Trust your instincts. Mommy instincts kick in before the baby's born. Daddy instincts take a little longer ;-)

    All the best to you, I hope this helped some. :-)
    [Deleted User]
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  • My advice is to talk to your doctor and do your own research- don't rely on the information his family spouts- they are obviously biased. Only after gathering reliable, neutral information will you truly be able to decide. I went into labor with the thought that I'd probably get an epidural, and ultimately I did...could I have done it without one? Yes, but thanks to modern medicine I was able to get a little pain relief and actually enjoyed the birthing process. Ultimately, like others have said, it's YOUR choice, not your SO or his family. If you don't feel you're going to get support from your SO if you choose a medicated birth, I would suggest find a doula who doesn't know your MIL and will be there regardless of what you decide.


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    BFP #1 12/02/11, M/C 12/08/11
    BFP #2 04/06/12, DD born 12/20/12
    BFP #3 06/09/14, M/C 06/15/14
    [Deleted User]tbasinski
  • My only advice is to just be open to any option. I went into labour with no med decision. Just that I would see what labour really was like and I would start with the lowest pain meds if needed and up the amounts from there. My doctor was supportive and I ended up with a very low epidural so it just made the pain manageable but I felt the whole birth. That was right for me. Good luck!
  • YOU are the one who is giving birth so don't let ANYONE pressure you into something you aren't comfortable with.  Nomatter if it's natural, medicated, home birth or whatever.  I wanted a natural birth in a hospital but ended up being induced, having an epidural followed by a spinal and an emergency C-section.  I had no issues with the epi or the spinal so don't let anyone use scare tactics to pressure you about this.  There are horror stories for every situation and there are also way more success stories.  Things go wrong and that is beyond control, but again, things can go wrong in any situation.  Things can go wrong at home, in a hospital, with or without an epi.  This is beyond control. You just need to do what makes you comfortable with because in the end that is what is going to be best for your baby.  Stand your ground momma and good luck!
  • It might also help to read some books. Ina May's Guide to Childbirth is very good, and has quite a few positive birth stories in the beginning that helped me feel more confident. The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth is also good. It presents the pros and cons of most common interventions so that you can make an informed choice. Finally, I want to second looking into therapy for the personal issues you mentioned. Your mental state will have an effect on your birth regardless of the method you choose, so it would be beneficial to work on it now.
    Beevolmandalynn814
  • BeevolBeevol member
    *hugs* to you! 

    First off, I'm a doula and my mom is a Wiccan-Clothing-Optional-Hippy, so I get the granola crunchy stuff. My sister had a home birth (and it was actually pretty traumatic for everyone but turned out OK in the end). With my daughter, I ended up on pitocin and getting an epidural (that pitocin hurt way more than what my body was doing on its own and I'd been awake for 30 hours straight, the epidural induced nap let me be fully present for my daughter's entrance into the world after one big push) and it was AMAZING and empowering. I've attended intervention-free births (I don't like the term "natural birth" because it's not like interventions turn the baby into plastic or something) and they've been amazing and empowering too. 

    I'm sorry that you're feeling pressured. From my limited experience, birth is about mom and baby and getting them both through it safe and whole. What I do know for sure is that it is not about grandma's weird, judgey expectations. 

    If it's an option for you, it might be nice to talk to a counselor about the issues you're struggling with - pregnancy is a time when we are out of control of our bodies in a way that can make you feel extra vulnerable and really bring a bunch of stuff up to the surface. A good, licensed therapist can help with that and many of them specialize in working with women who have experienced abuse and trauma. 

    As for birth, my best advice is to plan for the fetus growing inside of you to come out of your body so you can meet your beautiful baby. The best way to prepare is to be physically and emotionally in the best shape you can be - walk, drink water, do your kegels and later if you're feeling up to it, you can do perineal massage, read lots of books/birth stories or none at all, see a good therapist, talk with your husband about how his mom is stressing you out and work together to figure out a good way for *you* to have a healthy birth. 

    Once that baby gets out, it can be about your husband as a father and all of that too, but while you are in labor all that matters is you, your body, and helping your baby make a healthy transition out. 

    Do what feels right for you, not what other people feel is right for you. 
  • Sounds like you need a break! With my daughter who is now 8 I was scared of getting an epidural. The thought of a needle going into my spin freaked me out. BUT when the time came I was begging for it! You have to do what you feel comfortable with. Keep in mind this is your body and you need to be comfortable during your labor and delivery or else it will just be asking for problems. Your husbands family should be able to respect that and if not they should take out up with your husband and not you.
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