GTKY/Vent--In-Law Edition (Longish. Sorry.)

Davie813

**Child/pregnancy mentioned**

So, as I mentioned in an earlier post, DH and I have been doing a bit of quarreling over DD's upcoming baptism.  His whole family is coming here for several days (at MILs invitation--not ours), and MIL has taken over most of the planning (unasked). 

On the one hand, I reaaaallllyyyy don't care about any of the details, so I have limited scope for complaining that she does. 

On the other, it's not just the baptism.  I'm kind of angry because she's like this about everything.  When I was pregnant (to give one example), she quietly noted all the medications I was taking (and I'm talking about stuff like Tylenol), consulted with a doctor she knows, and called us to let us know which ones she thought I should stop.  And so on.  She's just not big into autonomy or boundaries.

And now I'm feeling mean for writing this, but I'm curious: do you guys get along with your in-laws?  Do you feel like you have healthy boundaries with them?  And if so, please tell me how you established them!

Also, any survival tips for the Big Baptism Weekend will be greatly appreciated.

ETA: abbreviated due to guilty conscience/paranoia about airing family business on Internet.

kelley72

Unfortunately my inlaws are deceased.  I do however have ex-inlaws... I got along with exfil very well the mil not so much. 

If I were you I would talk to my dh, the misplaced (my opinion) taking over of details shouldn't cause you frustrations or stress.  I very much believe your dh should be the one to tell his mom to back off.  But, are you sending mixed messages/ being passive aggressive?  By saying you don't care to do the details and not doing them you are leaving the path open for her to take over.  It is a hard balance and knowing where to draw the line can be difficult.  I hate for a beautiful event to be shadowed with resentment or frustration, etc.  You aren't powerless to do anything you just haven't done it.  Respectively telling her to back off and doing things the way you want them done- yes easier said than done

Best wishes!

hooligans4

This is a tough one. I get along great with both MIL and FIL ( they are divorced) I think we get along so well because I speak my mind always. If they do something that bothers me(it isn't very often) I tell them.

But I have to say honestly if MIL is doing all the planning for the baptism and is offering to pay for it all- let her.
The most important thing is that your little one is being baptized. Your MIL can't take control of that. It is between you, your pastor and your child. Focus on that and enjoy the day.

I would suggest being more vocal to your in-laws in the future though. Everyone says I am brutally honest to a fault but I'm ok with that because there is never any questions. I speak my mind always.
Try it

Davie813

kelley72 said:

Unfortunately my inlaws are deceased.  I do however have ex-inlaws... I got along with exfil very well the mil not so much. 

If I were you I would talk to my dh, the misplaced (my opinion) taking over of details shouldn't cause you frustrations or stress.  I very much believe your dh should be the one to tell his mom to back off.  But, are you sending mixed messages/ being passive aggressive?  By saying you don't care to do the details and not doing them you are leaving the path open for her to take over.  It is a hard balance and knowing where to draw the line can be difficult.  I hate for a beautiful event to be shadowed with resentment or frustration, etc.  You aren't powerless to do anything you just haven't done it.  Respectively telling her to back off and doing things the way you want them done- yes easier said than done

Best wishes!

Yeah, as I mentioned, this event is the latest aggravation, but it's really more the whole pattern that's getting to me, 

As far as the events go, it's frustrating because although I'd never deny that I can be passive-aggressive, I really don't have the time or interest to step in and choose alternate arrangements, and neither does DH.  For the wedding, "the way I wanted things done" would have been city hall.  Period.  For the baptism, in and out--no special gowns, no brunch, definitely no extended family visit. 

Stuff like this just are isn't important to us.  I respect that it is to her, but we don't owe her an event, beautiful or otherwise.  It's not that she's taking over and depriving me of the events I wanted.  It's that she's taking over and ensuring that our life events are EVENTS, whether we want them or not.

And yes, it's up to DH to talk to her.  I think hearing it from me would only make matters worse.

Davie813

hooligans4 said:

This is a tough one. I get along great with both MIL and FIL ( they are divorced) I think we get along so well because I speak my mind always. If they do something that bothers me(it isn't very often) I tell them. But I have to say honestly if MIL is doing all the planning for the baptism and is offering to pay for it all- let her. The most important thing is that your little one is being baptized. Your MIL can't take control of that. It is between you, your pastor and your child. Focus on that and enjoy the day. I would suggest being more vocal to your in-laws in the future though. Everyone says I am brutally honest to a fault but I'm ok with that because there is never any questions. I speak my mind always. Try it

I hadn't thought of the money aspect, but that's a good point.  I don't know what all she wants to pay for, but I do know that she genuinely means to be helpful.  She's just very driven and energetic (and bored) and not very emotionally astute.  Deep breaths....

The other thing is that I have sort of mixed feelings about the baptism itself.  I'm not religious.  DH and I agreed before we got married that we would raise our children as Catholics, and I still believe that it will be a positive thing for DD to have a religious tradition to fall back on if she wants (fine if she doesn't, too, of course).  I'm keeping my word, but I'm getting cold feet!  (that's a whole other discussion, though.)

Thanks, and thanks @kelley72, for your responses!  I'm curious about everyone else's situations and will now stop whining!

CaraH

I love my in laws.  When they come to visit, they are both adamant that this is my time off and I should go do something else.  They worry that, having left my professional career to be a stay at home Mom in part because my husband works long, demanding hours, I don't get enough time for myself.   My FIL takes care of the heavy lifting chores around the house that we haven't gotten to or would have paid someone to do.  My MIL plays with my kid for hours on end, cooks most of the meals and absolutely insists on doing all the dishes. 

You think you feel guilty about complaining?  I think its just hard to adapt to someone else's family norms.  More so for women, because we tend to set the norms in our home.  And its just having someone else in my home, someone I need to consider.  I adore my parents, but I'd probably complain if they came to stay for a week, too.  I know my husband would!  (They live locally, so there's never a reason for them to stay here more than overnight.)

It gets a hundred times harder when kids get involved.  My in laws try very hard to follow our parenting preferences, but because they don't always understand/agree with the reasoning behind them they don't always.  I let it go, because seriously anyone who loves my child so absolutely and unconditionally can feed her whatever they want when they are here.  And, so what if my MIL handles things differently with my daughter than I do?  They can work it out between them.  When they do cross a big line, we calmly and clearly let them know, and they respect it. 

All in all, I think I'm very lucky.  They are people I genuinely love, and I know they love me.  But, as I said, their absolute adoration of my daughter really clinches it.  My MIL will pretend to be Princess Belle for days, literally days - wearing crowns, going to the ball, calling each other princess names, the whole nine yards.  My FIL will drop whatever he's doing the second she asks for a wagon ride or wants to show him something.  Short of spanking my child or deliberately burning down my house, I'm not sure what they could do that I wouldn't get over.

lgsdesigner

The best thing to do is lay down the law from the beginning, but do it kindly.

Tell them you want to have dinner with them, and invite them over. Tell them during dinner that you really appreciate them both, but you want to draw a line on certain things.

Advise them as a parent, you want to have better control over certain situations, and only want their help when needed or asked for. And, respectfully, they should ask you before planning anything or trying to “help” you with anything.

It will make it less stressful in the long run for everybody.

 

Hope this helps, and good luck!

Sherby613

I've been there. I also have a MIL who struggles with boundaries. She is very well intentioned and loves us,,,, but, she can be a little too noisy and share information that isn't meant to leave the family. I took her out for coffee and had an honest conversation. I needed her not to make decisions for me and my family and keep my family out of her girlfriend-gossip. She was receptive. I also had to listen to her side of things and found that she just wanted to be a part of things and didn't feel that I would ask her (so she had to insert herself). I've also learned not to tell her anything that I don't want public. She just can't resist the temptation to share with others. 

Good luck and hope that you have a nice day for the baptism! 

KateLouise

I get on with MIL, she lives 5minutes away and has zero input into any decision making in my life. She's stopped saying, "you should..." because it's only ever been met with a blank stare, or a polite smile and nod.

WE (that is DH and I) do not engage in intrusive conversation. So when she's said, "you need to wean DD off her dummy." we just shrugged and said ok and went about our business.

When she's asked about details for events we've let her know what she needed to know, dates, times, what she could bring to help if she offered etc. If we hadn't made decisions then we'd say, "We haven't decided yet, but we'll let you know when we know."

So there wouldn't be a discussion about my medication. If she started booking stuff or telling us what we should do with a life event we'd say, "We're handling it, we'll let you know when we know details."

If you wanted a small baptism and she said, "oh no you have to x, y and z, and I've told everyone we'll have lunch at your house." then it really is up to you/DH to say no.

I don't believe in sit down conversations to tell an adult about their behaviour. To me that's inviting them to argue about it, because they think it will be a dialogue where they can convince you about how they just want to help, or you've misunderstood.

I believe in responding to someone else's behaviour in a way that works for me. Not getting upset, but simply saying, "thanks but no thanks" as often as needed.

In-law relations can be tricky.

Good luck.

Davie813

Lots of tough love in here--thanks for giving me some stuff to think about!

Thanks, @sherby613, for the solidarity.  It helps!

I think what I'm realizing is that I really need to hash things out with DH and make sure we're on the same page as to what's acceptable.  We had a talk last night, and while I'm not sure he totally understands where I'm coming from, I know he's trying.

I also think the root of all this is about his relationship with his mother--which is obviously his to hash out, not mine.  So unless and until he does that, we've set out some practical guidelines for dealing with her.  I hope it helps.

Still curious about how others get along with their ILs!

URMySunshine77

I've been thinking a lot about your situation. I agree with @KateLouise about blowing your MIL off when she gives you unsolicited advice. If my MIL started telling me that I shouldn't take certain medications, I would just say, "OK, thanks, I'll consider it" or "I'll talk to my doctor" and move on. If she escalated it, I would have to say, "I appreciate your advice but I'll decide what's best." I think that you can totally blow her off in a nice way. And if she gives the advice to your DH, then I think he needs to tell her to stop it.

It does sound like you can have DH talk to her more about what she can do/not do. With the baptism, even if this wasn't your idea, could you have still bought an outfit and mailed the invites? I wouldn't let her steamroll you. You could do the planning if it makes you feel better. For instance, she will make a big deal about your DD's first birthday. Maybe you can start countering her and say, "we've got things planned, thanks."

I am totally spineless when it comes to confrontation. Luckily my MIL is pretty chill. She rarely steps over the line. She sometimes comes over for a week and cooks, helps clean, and babysits when DH takes work trips. When we run out of things to talk about, I usually start asking her about relatives and family history since people love to talk about themselves.

tlc35

Yes, I don't really have any advice here because my H seems to have set good boundaries with his Mom before we ever met.  She tends to gossip which he hates so he tends not to tell her any more than he has to.  Plus they live a full day's drive from us.  I actually like my inlaws but they may get intrusive once we (hopefully) have a LO.

CaraH

And... my in laws just cancelled a trip to see us last minute.  We were counting on them to watch DD this weekend while we attended my husband's work retreat.  I love them; I really do.  But, this stuff drives me nuts.

danieleandwayne

Wow. I am not a fan of my ILs, but after 9 years of working on them, they're getting better in terms of boundaries. 

I agree with many of the pps, except for one thing. Your medicines during your pregnancy. Discussing your medications and your "condition" (be it pregnancy or cholesterol, or whatever) with a doctor without your permission is an extreme violation of your privacy. If your MIL were someone professional, she'd be fired, fined 5 figures, and would lose whatever license she held. Granted, she has no professional ethics to concern herself in this case, but I think it puts it in perspective (at least for me). 

I would definitely talk to your DH. He may not think it's a problem because he grew up with a mom like that. I absolutely attribute any success we've had with setting boundaries with my ILs with the fact that MH finally got on board and started setting rules (and enforcing them) like "you have to call to find out if we're around before you come over." 

Good luck. I'm just happy my ILs haven't asked to baptize my dd since we aren't religious and aren't baptizing her. 

Davie813

danieleandwayne said:

I would definitely talk to your DH. He may not think it's a problem because he grew up with a mom like that. I absolutely attribute any success we've had with setting boundaries with my ILs with the fact that MH finally got on board and started setting rules (and enforcing them) like "you have to call to find out if we're around before you come over." 

Good luck. I'm just happy my ILs haven't asked to baptize my dd since we aren't religious and aren't baptizing her. 

Ding ding ding!!!!  We have been talking, though, and I do think he's starting to see why her behavior gets to me.

As far as the medicines go, the doctor in question is actually DH's brother--I didn't mention that because I didn't want to put too many identifying details in here. ( As a rational person, I'm sure she's not reading this, but goodness knows she has the time on her hands.)   Anyway, that's a slightly mitigating factor.  Still super-annoying, though.

It sounds like your ILs live in the same town as you?  Oh, boy.  Mine are at least several states away...

@URMYSunshine77 and @tlc35, thanks for chiming in!  @URMYSunshine77, she does indeed give most of her advice to DH.  She knows I won't take it....

@CaraH, ugh, I'm sorry!  Were you able to find another caregiver for your daughter?

mindaa

Sorry, that would be totally frustrating... the medication thing would totally drive me nuts!

My MIL is totally cool but she has no boundaries with her own children so I know she probably wants to be all up in my business as well... but I'm very blessed that she respects the fact that I'm way more private than her family is and so she doesn't push it with me. And blessed with a husband who doesn't overshare with his family. 

My MIL is kinda the same way in her complaining though... she'll takes on something she doesn't have to, then whine about. I don't have a lot patience for that kind of Martyr attitude in people in general, so I have to not let that bug me about her... in exchange for her not getting bugged by my privacy. (geez, that sentence turned out really awkward)

CaraH

@Davie813 - oh yes, my Mom is going to take her. It's a little inconvenient, but not a big deal and probably what we would have done anyway if they hadn't said they were coming. And if Mom wasn't available, we had other options right up to sending DH by himself and me staying home with her. I just find it irritating to plan for a visit and then have them flake out. Particularly because both DH and DD were really looking forward to it. It's a little thing, though, and it's silly to sweat the small stuff. Besides, I had procrastinated on setting up the guest room and planned to do it this morning. Now I got to work in my yard instead.

KirstenAlecia

my MIL had some boundary issues for while. DROVE ME NUTS. H had to set her straight.

She wasn't doing it to be intrusive…..she genuinely wants to help. She needed help realizing it was intrusive. 

Usually with money, and also with how i keep my home. 

For while after i moved in i had this one room….it was kind of a catch all…..I call it my hoarders room….its still my catch all. Its just no as bad as it used to be. My husband hates it…..and he would tease me about it. My MIL would come over and walk to the room and go to open the door to see if i had done anything about it. 

Last time That scene went like this: She starts walking to room and in her sugary sweet voice says "How is this coming along have you finished it yet??" As she goes to reach for the door handle i step in front, block her and say "DONT WORRY ABOUT IT….I HAVE IT UNDER CONTROL" She looked at me and smiled and said "OK" She understood. My hubby also had a talk with her. She said she was just trying to help motivate me…..he told her when she did that i rebelled and stopped cleaning. LOL. She no longer intrudes. 

Money is still a harder boundary for her. She was so so so hard core about teaching her boys about money and the importance of saving and having good credit. She is frugal and that is not even the strong enough word. 

She will see me with  a pair of shoes or a purse that she has never seen and will straight up ask how much i paid for it. In the beginning i didn't realize what was going on and would tell her and she would do this head tilt and smile…….it was a look i learned that meant she thought i spent too much or just a sort of disapproval. Now she was never straight up rude. She would then say something like "You know, I get my shoes/purse/whatever at (insert store name here) and i never pay over $…" She was TRYING to be helpful but didn't realize opinion/advice was unwanted. I learned to tell her "Don't worry about it" with lots of things.

Those words…."Don't worry about it" can be your best friend! 

Davie813

KirstenAlecia said:

my MIL had some boundary issues for while. DROVE ME NUTS. H had to set her straight.

 She will see me with  a pair of shoes or a purse that she has never seen and will straight up ask how much i paid for it. In the beginning i didn't realize what was going on and would tell her and she would do this head tilt and smile…….it was a look i learned that meant she thought i spent too much or just a sort of disapproval. Now she was never straight up rude. She would then say something like "You know, I get my shoes/purse/whatever at (insert store name here) and i never pay over $…" She was TRYING to be helpful but didn't realize opinion/advice was unwanted. I learned to tell her "Don't worry about it" with lots of things.

Those words…."Don't worry about it" can be your best friend! 

Ooooh, that would make me stabby!

Also, good to see you back around these parts, stranger!

KirstenAlecia

I know right?????? I honestly love my MIL because I know she is genuinely trying/thinking to be helpful….she just needs a little reminder its a boundary crossing sometimes. She really is sweet. lol. I have learned over the years how to deal with her without getting to upset MOST OF the time. 

I also get chronic migraines and she can't seem to wrap her head around that its a neurological problem with no cure……..she is always bringing me articles and telling me things i have already tried….like she thinks i am just letting this happen and i have not even thought to try and do something about it. Perfume is a trigger of mine and she constantly wears it around me…….even though I've told her.."when you visit please don't put any on….pleeeeeease!!!" I still get a little upset when she "forgets" She forgets that but is constantly looking for things to "help with the problem" lol. Its hard not to be angry when her visits result in a debilitating headache. 

I know Ive been MIA……Im sort of not myself

CaraH

@KirstenAlecia‌ - So with you on the unsolicited medical advice! I have rheumatoid arthritis and have had to ask DH not to tell anyone who doesn't need to know. It's not that it's so private, it's that I am so, so sick of the suggestions. I've been managing this for 22 years. You really aren't going to come up with something I am interested in and haven't looked in to.

KirstenAlecia

CaraH said:

@KirstenAlecia‌ - So with you on the unsolicited medical advice! I have rheumatoid arthritis and have had to ask DH not to tell anyone who doesn't need to know. It's not that it's so private, it's that I am so, so sick of the suggestions. I've been managing this for 22 years. You really aren't going to come up with something I am interested in and haven't looked in to.

Right, like these debilitating conditions are something we just hang our heads and accept……and didn't bother looking into help! lol. I know she means well…..but really!!! 

I have so many people who share things on my Facebook page too or in messages when they come across something. Honestly for me I always am able to remember they want to help because they care and that actually makes me feel good. I have seen the same things over and over and over again that people find on the internet  

BeckyP005

Hoping the weekend is a good one and the baptism goes smoothly!! All the details on Monday!! FX MIL behaves herself

My in-laws are ok except my SIL had issues with her regarding feedback on how to raise her baby lol. Last in laws were weird but nice. It's my parents that are difficult

Davie813

BeckyP005 said:

Hoping the weekend is a good one and the baptism goes smoothly!! All the details on Monday!! FX MIL behaves herself My in-laws are ok except my SIL had issues with her regarding feedback on how to raise her baby lol. Last in laws were weird but nice. It's my parents that are difficult

Thanks!  It's actually next weekend, though.

BeckyP005

Oops!! Ok all of this for next weekend