Weight comment from male friend

Helenahhandbasket

Sunday night I hung out with some friends, including a male friend that I have known for a long time (15 years) but haven't seen in a while.  Despite the fact that we now live very different lives (he's a bachelor, no interest in children, but does have a girlfriend), we have always had tons to talk about because we work in the same industry.  We are the same age (mid 30s-- just FTR)

Anyway, he told me that I looked pretty, and specifically said something like, whatever you are doing, keep doing it.

Of course, instead of just accepting the compliment, I told him he needed to get his eyes checked and made some stupid comment of having to lose at least 20 lbs (I am a good 20-30 lbs over my "comfy" weight).

He just shook his head and said that he wished I wouldn't say things like that, and that women are mostly obsessed with being thin for the sake of other women, and it's just another way we compete with each other.  He also said that the very vast majority of men DGAF what you weigh and totally appreciate some extra curvage.  It was off the cuff remark for him, and we didn't contiune that, but the insight really hit home.

Anyway-- I just wanted to share because I know lots of us are struggling.  It totally made me feel better to hear him say that, and I just think it's funny how sometimes a really small thing can change your outlook a bit.

Happy Tuesday!

MrsLaLaBug

there needs to be more men like this in the world!

Helenahhandbasket

MrsLaLaBug said:

there needs to be more men like this in the world!

Well, what he was saying, I think, is that most men feel the way or similarly to him.  But we just don't want to believe it.

NarwhalBacon

DH showed a picture of me to his work buddy and he said I was "very fuckable"

And damnit, it made me feel good.

Helenahhandbasket

NarwhalBacon said:

DH showed a picture of me to his work buddy and he said I was "very fuckable"

And damnit, it made me feel good.

LOL!  That's awesome!

MrsLaLaBug

Helenahhandbasket said:

MrsLaLaBug said:

there needs to be more men like this in the world!

Well, what he was saying, I think, is that most men feel the way or similarly to him.  But we just don't want to believe it.

  Agree, it's just refreshing to hear a guy who is vocal about it. 

Weljadraak

Yeah, I'll agree that a woman's weight is not as big an issue for men as it is for women, but not because of competition.  It's because a woman's appearance is under super scrutiny in society.  

fitmama418

What a great guy!

Helenahhandbasket

Weljadraak said:

Yeah, I'll agree that a woman's weight is not as big an issue for men as it is for women, but not because of competition.  It's because a woman's appearance is under super scrutiny in society.  

But I think part of it is the scrutiny that we put on ourselves and the scrutiny that we put each other under.

I have never heard a conversation between two men that sounds like this:

Dude 1: Have you seen Bob lately? 

Dude 2: No, why?

Dude 1: He looks like he gained some weight

Dude 2: Yikes

 

minervacullen

I'm a size 16 and am very self-conscious, to the point of self-loathing at times. I dress nice, wear make-up..., but don't feel pretty.

Anyway a few weeks ago two men, nice looking ones at that, very obviously checked me out at two separate stores. I was confused at first, then the second time it made my day.

Since DH isn't happy with my size, I just assumed all guys were thinking the same. It was refreshing.

Weljadraak

Helenahhandbasket said:

But I think part of it is the scrutiny that we put on ourselves and the scrutiny that we put each other under.

I have never heard a conversation between two men that sounds like this:

Dude 1: Have you seen Bob lately? 

Dude 2: No, why?

Dude 1: He looks like he gained some weight

Dude 2: Yikes 

Very true.  I ask myself why? Why is it so important what a woman weighs / looks like?  It wasn't always true that a woman needed to be skinny to be attractive.  I hate that for a lot of women self-worth is tied with their looks.  I hate it because I can't change it for them and make them see how beautiful they are no matter what the media thinks a woman should look like.

Helenahhandbasket

minervacullen said:

I'm a size 16 and am very self-conscious, to the point of self-loathing at times. I dress nice, wear make-up..., but don't feel pretty. Anyway a few weeks ago two men, nice looking ones at that, very obviously checked me out at two separate stores. I was confused at first, then the second time it made my day. Since DH isn't happy with my size, I just assumed all guys were thinking the same. It was refreshing.

Being checked out is awesome.

Sorry your H doesn't realize how hot you are!

Weljadraak

WhoCanItBeNow said:

The difference there? They say it to his face in a joking manner, not talk about it behind his back like he's completely fucked up his life.

Exactly.  Why does gaining weight have to be the end-all-be-all?  Women are not born with this notion it is placed there by others

Helenahhandbasket

twolittlewheels said:

I'm a size 16 and am very self-conscious, to the point of self-loathing at times. I dress nice, wear make-up..., but don't feel pretty. Anyway a few weeks ago two men, nice looking ones at that, very obviously checked me out at two separate stores. I was confused at first, then the second time it made my day. Since DH isn't happy with my size, I just assumed all guys were thinking the same. It was refreshing.

I'm sorry your husband is being an ass. Your story sounds very similar to mine, down to the H disrespect, but I need to start dressing better and actually get "ready" to leave the house. My hatred of my body and weight leads to ponytails and yoga pants daily. Not that it's a bad thing but I don't even like to dress up because I look awful and overweight so why try, right?

No-- I hate that!  Looking better usually helps me feel better, which sometimes leads to me making healthier choices, because I want to keep the good feeling going.

 

minervacullen

twolittlewheels said:

minervacullen said:

I'm a size 16 and am very self-conscious, to the point of self-loathing at times. I dress nice, wear make-up..., but don't feel pretty.

Anyway a few weeks ago two men, nice looking ones at that, very obviously checked me out at two separate stores. I was confused at first, then the second time it made my day.

Since DH isn't happy with my size, I just assumed all guys were thinking the same. It was refreshing.

I'm sorry your husband is being an ass.

Your story sounds very similar to mine, down to the H disrespect, but I need to start dressing better and actually get "ready" to leave the house. My hatred of my body and weight leads to ponytails and yoga pants daily. Not that it's a bad thing but I don't even like to dress up because I look awful and overweight so why try, right?

I do a lot of ponytails, but that's because my hair is wavy, thick, heavy, long... It's time consuming.
I wear my sweat capris around the house all the time, I'm home and want to be comfy.
I used to be a hair stylist, so the dressing decent was ingrained. Sure it's usually just jeans, but I try.
It's realllllly hard finding jeans though.

Husbands suck sometimes.

RondackHiker

It sounds like your friend is a good guy. I wish more men were vocal about that... but at the same time, I'm not sure even men being more vocal would be enough to convince us to be happy with our bodies.

slednecksmomma

The thing that I hate about our weight obsessed society is the celebrity fueled notion that women need to be back to their pre-baby weight (or skinnier) by the time baby is 2 months old.  For most of us, that is just not an option.  I shouldn't be made to feel bad because I'm still packing around baby weight, it took 9 months to gain that weight, it's not going to just melt off my newly shaped body.  I have had older women in town come up to me and ask if my friend is pregnant again when in reality she was only 5 months postpartum and still had a bit of a baby belly, LIKE MOST WOMEN DO AT THAT POINT.  I am working on my attitude about my new body, not hiding it behind baggy clothes, wearing what makes me feel good.  H's opinion be damned.  I will never again look like what I did in high school and I need to be ok with that.  I'm not a teenage girl anymore, I am a woman.     

NarwhalBacon

@uconnhuskie007   Since PPs husband has been vocal about it (I assume, since she flat out said her H wasn't happy with her weight) then he is an ass. 

No, I don't think someone is an ass for preferring a different body type than their spouse's as long as they keep it to themselves and make an effort to make their SO feel good.

NarwhalBacon

Fuck this shit. I have an extra ONE HUNDRED POUNDS to lose. 

Yesterday I bought a bandeau bra. Today I'm wearing it with a low cut dressy tank. Someone said I was very fuckable. DH's best friends complement me regularly. I wear fitted dresses (with Spanx, though) and I feel damn hot. Yeah, I want to lose weight because I'm out of shape and unhealthy.

It makes me really sad that some women are worried about 5, 10, 20 pounds.

I wish more people had my "fuck the haters" attitude.

NeneCakies

I opened the thread thinking douchery was afoot. Color me shocked and awed to find a different story.

I must add, some guys can be catty about weight behind another guy's back. I've heard it and it stinks but nothing to the level a female endures for sure.

PeanutButterFox

NarwhalBacon said:

It makes me really sad that some women are worried about 5, 10, 20 pounds.

I agree wholeheartedly.

Helenahhandbasket

NarwhalBacon said:

@uconnhuskie007   Since PPs husband has been vocal about it (I assume, since she flat out said her H wasn't happy with her weight) then he is an ass. 

No, I don't think someone is an ass for preferring a different body type than their spouse's as long as they keep it to themselves and make an effort to make their SO feel good.

Exactly  what I was going to say.

He's not an ass if he has a preference-- we all do.

He's being an ass because he's making her feel bad that she's not his exact preference right at this moment.

Helenahhandbasket

PeanutButterFox said:

NarwhalBacon said:

It makes me really sad that some women are worried about 5, 10, 20 pounds.

I agree wholeheartedly.

Same, and just to be clear, if I lost 20 pounds, I still wouldn't be thin.  Just less fluffy, but I am comfortable that way.  Andplusalso, I am just never going to be a size 2.  I am convinced that my skeleton alone weighs 100 pounds.

Helenahhandbasket

NeneCakies said:

I opened the thread thinking douchery was afoot. Color me shocked and awed to find a different story. I must add, some guys can be catty about weight behind another guy's back. I've heard it and it stinks but nothing to the level a female endures for sure.

I know.  I did a little bit of the bait and switch there.

But, you are of course right that men can get catty.  It's so so so much less prevalent though for them.

evaazalea

See, I had a guy friend, very recently, tell me if I just hit the gym for two months I would be so hot. Uh, thanks? I am already pretty self conscious so that didn't help any. The gym closest does not have child care and we are a one vehicle family, I know I don't have it in me to take a bus with dd to the gym several times a week. I have decided to attempt to go at 6am, but that's for me to feel more self confident, not for people to deem me hot. /sigh. All my girlfriends are feeling this way right now, and one of them I would swap bodies with in a hot second, she's beautiful! Edit because iPad typing is hard.

minervacullen

uconnhuskie007 said:

Helenahhandbasket said:

NarwhalBacon said:

@uconnhuskie007   Since PPs husband has been vocal about it (I assume, since she flat out said her H wasn't happy with her weight) then he is an ass. 

No, I don't think someone is an ass for preferring a different body type than their spouse's as long as they keep it to themselves and make an effort to make their SO feel good.

Exactly  what I was going to say.

He's not an ass if he has a preference-- we all do.

He's being an ass because he's making her feel bad that she's not his exact preference right at this moment.

See, the thing is I agree that if he's making her feel bad, he's totally an ass.  That's not up for debate.  But I was wondering if maybe she is like me just assuming that he's not happy, when that may or may not be the case.  It might be in our heads. 

Nope, he's said so. I was only 17 and a size 2 when started dating. I was a healthy and fit 8 when we married 12 years ago. I'm in my 30's, have had 2 kids, have PCOS, and peripheral neuropathy on my left side. Dieting alone doesn't help and my left side either hurts or goes numb when I do any strenuous exercise. I'm not making excuses, but if I didn't have those two issues I'm fairly certain I could look better.

I doesn't help that he's ridiculously fit, and all of his friends are the same.

I'll just keep trying!

Helenahhandbasket

TysMomPlusOne said:

See, I had a guy friend, very recently, tell me if I just hit the gym for two months I would be so hot. Uh, thanks? I am already pretty self conscious so that didn't help any. The gym closest does not have child care and we are a one vehicle family, I know I don't have it in me to take a bus with dd to the gym several times a week. I have decided to attempt to go at 6am, but that's for me to feel more self confident, not for people to deem me hot. /sigh. All my girlfriends are feeling this way right now, and one of them I would swap bodies with in a hot second, she's beautiful! Edit because iPad typing is hard.

I can't imagine saying that to anyone! 

 

Helenahhandbasket

WhoCanItBeNow said:

MabelShesABiotch said:

............well as long as guys find us fuckable life is good. Sigh. Why did I even read this thread.

I hate that that is what so many women tie their body image to.

I want to punch our society some days.

Of course.  And I agree wholeheartedly.  But it's nice to feel attractive-- and nice to feel like you are attractive as you are (not attractive if you weighed 20 less, 50 less or 100+ less pounds).

 

evaazalea

uconnhuskie007 said:

TysMomPlusOne said:

See, I had a guy friend, very recently, tell me if I just hit the gym for two months I would be so hot. Uh, thanks? I am already pretty self conscious so that didn't help any. The gym closest does not have child care and we are a one vehicle family, I know I don't have it in me to take a bus with dd to the gym several times a week. I have decided to attempt to go at 6am, but that's for me to feel more self confident, not for people to deem me hot. /sigh. All my girlfriends are feeling this way right now, and one of them I would swap bodies with in a hot second, she's beautiful! Edit because iPad typing is hard.

WTF.  Are you still friends with this douche?

Yea, he's very much a 'say what you think' kind of guy, which makes him a bit of an ass, no one wants to hear that they look tired or w/e. He isn't usually like that with me but this was our first time really hanging out together to, we usually just work together. He also told me how great this other girl looked, lucky her, she has lots of time to hit the gym and looks are a lot more important to her. Oh well, DH loves me and although I am sure he'd be thrilled if I lost some weight he isn't mean about it!

fintin

My husband has been a very shallow person when it comes to weight in the past. So now that I have had dd I assumed he was grossed out by my extra weight. Well a couple days ago I was portioning my dinner out and he actually got irritated and asked me who I was lossing weight for because he liked me like I am. So for allyou thinking guys have the same taste from the day you meet to 10 years later, that might not be the case.

NotSharknado

I put pressure on myself when it comes to weight. I don't blame society and celebrities. I don't know if it's age for me, but I don't care what weight I am as long as I get my ass off the couch and be active.

The only time Dh had an issue with my weight is when I got down to 100lbs after Ds.

NarwhalBacon

Helenahhandbasket said:

WhoCanItBeNow said:

MabelShesABiotch said:

............well as long as guys find us fuckable life is good. Sigh. Why did I even read this thread.

I hate that that is what so many women tie their body image to.

I want to punch our society some days.

Of course.  And I agree wholeheartedly.  But it's nice to feel attractive-- and nice to feel like you are attractive as you are (not attractive if you weighed 20 less, 50 less or 100+ less pounds).

 

Thank you, that was my point. People think I'm attractive even though I'm a size 18 with an extra 100 pounds. I am not society's standard of beauty. Not everyone is an asshat that can't find a larger woman sexually attractive

credcat7

I am a size 12 on most days and this weekend I saw myself naked in a mirror multi multiple tiMes. We don't have any mirrors at home that I can see my while body in.

I was surprised that it wasn't as horrifying as I thought it would be and I even found a couple areas I was happy with. After that I even put out in the daytime!

With a little effort I might even say I love my curves

NotSharknado

See to me, a guy telling me I'm "fuckable" is arrogant on his part. That's like telling me I'm okay in his book. Fuck you and the douche horse you rode in on. My life can move forward now that I meet your standards? Fuck no. Don't need your validation.

Being checked out does nothing for me but give me the creeps. You've never seen a woman before?

credcat7

Also MTCW if my guy thinks I could lose a few pounds then he can damn well help me by encouraging a healthy lifestyle,go on walks with me OR be ok with me being home am hour each night to get to a class or two

Helenahhandbasket

NotSharknado said:

See to me, a guy telling me I'm "fuckable" is arrogant on his part. That's like telling me I'm okay in his book. Fuck you and the douche horse you rode in on. My life can move forward now that I meet your standards? Fuck no. Don't need your validation. Being checked out does nothing for me but give me the creeps. You've never seen a woman before?

I get what you are saying.

I check guys out sometimes though.  I am (mostly) not a creep.

Helenahhandbasket

Also, just to clarify, my definition of "checking out" is an appreciatave glance or two.  Not leering.

ShakeyJakey

Helenahhandbasket said:

Weljadraak said:

Yeah, I'll agree that a woman's weight is not as big an issue for men as it is for women, but not because of competition.  It's because a woman's appearance is under super scrutiny in society.  

But I think part of it is the scrutiny that we put on ourselves and the scrutiny that we put each other under.

I have never heard a conversation between two men that sounds like this:

Dude 1: Have you seen Bob lately? 

Dude 2: No, why?

Dude 1: He looks like he gained some weight

Dude 2: Yikes

 

You're right. I've heard men have this convo about women which sucks.

Eta wors

NarwhalBacon

@notsharknado to each their own. It would be hypocritical of me to think a guy is a douche for calling me fuckable sine I do the same to men on a regular basis.

minervacullen

@credcat7‌ see that's it! If he would help with the kids so I could go find an activity that doesn't bother me, that'd be wonderful. I could do swimming, go to the gym and get a personal trainer...

NotSharknado

NarwhalBacon said:

@notsharknado to each their own. It would be hypocritical of me to think a guy is a douche for calling me fuckable sine I do the same to men on a regular basis.

We're human. We're drawn to attractiveness. What I'm saying is, to come right out and say you're fuckable is not for me. I don't need some dude's validation.