would you get someone a gift after they lost the first baby? — The Bump
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

would you get someone a gift after they lost the first baby?

I really want to know if I'm justified being upset over this. So I lost my baby March 5th, he was my first with my husband and we've been trying for 3 years for him. So the loss was horrific!

Well my sister in law whom I've always gotten along with got me a necklace that says remember with my birth stone (Or the stone of the month I lost my child). my husband brought it home to me yesterday and it hurt me like you wouldn't believe!! I love her a lot she's like a big sister but why would you give someone a gift to "remember" that horrible night. thinking about it brings back so much pain and I just want to move forward but it seems like people keep reminding me that I lost my baby. I still avoid family gatherings cause I know people are going to say they are sorry for our loss which is the very last thing I want! I know she meant to be kind and loving towards me but I'm having I difficult time even touching that necklace. I know

I know people mean well but I really just want people to drop it don't bring it up to me anymore cause out of everyone I know the loss. why is it when something like this happens even after almost 3 months people "hover" over you and keep reminding you of it.. its almost like I have to sent a message saying don't talk to me about it, don't mention anything not even "I'm sorry for you loss". Just act like it didn't happen cause if I want to talk about it i'll bring it up I don't need you too do it for me.


I'm not going to bring it up to her cause last thing I want to do is hurt her feelings, but do you agree with the gift? or am I just being sensitive? 

Sorry about my rant I just really needed to let that out..


Re: would you get someone a gift after they lost the first baby?

  • sorry I should have said pregnancy loss. and I agree with you I don't want to lash out at her and I'm very lucky to have people that care so much about me. I've just told them that I wanted to be left alone on this subject and it seems like no one is listening.

    So i'm not going to say anything to her about it cause I don't want to lie but I cant wear it.



  • I really think her heart was in the right place. I would personally love a gift like that and find it very thoughtful. I think the intent of the necklace is in rememberance of the love you had for the baby, not the loss. For me, it's important for me to remember my baby and for others to acknowledge her. But everyone grieves differently and I am not saying that your way of handling your grief is wrong in any way. I understand how hard it can be when people bring up your loss when all you are trying to do is keep it together and move forward, but all they are trying to do is give you support.

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  • O2girlO2girl member
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    It sounds like your SIL's heart was really in the right place. Perhaps when the time is right for you, you can explain to people around you that it hurts too much to be reminded of the loss of your child?

    Everyone is so different. For some people it helps so much to have people ask about and talk about their babies; for others it helps to not be reminded.

    I know for myself it would mean the world to me if someone other than my DH acknowledged that my losses happened; sadly, nobody says anything to me.

    IMO, it might help for you to put the necklace away and let your SIL know that right now the necklace is a very tangible reminder of pain that you want to move away from and perhaps as you gain distance from the pain you will be able to reflect on your journey by wearing the necklace.... That way your SIL understands that the necklace is appreciated but is a very sad reminder of your pain.

    I'm sorry for your loss. (((Hugs)))
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  • I think you should have someone close to you spread the word that right now you re not up to talking about but that you sincerely appreciate everyone's concern.

    It is hard for people to figure out how to comfort grieving people and since everyoen grieves differently it makes it that much harder.
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  • I had my mom tell a lot of people when I was going through a similar situation. I also was heartbroken when someone told me they bought me a charm necklace... I think I will keep it, and probably Really appreciate it at a future date, but right now it is too hard to bare. I complete understand your feelings.
  • I'm sorry for your loss.  I'm sure any reminder of it is very painful.   I'm so sorry that you are struggling with this gift your SIL has given you.  

    As an outsider, I think its really sweet what your sister in law did, but I don't think you are in the wrong for how you feel about it.  I totally get that its a painful reminder, but I think it is touching. I am not in your situation though, so please don't think I'm judging you or saying that you are wrong to feel the way you do, because I am in no position to do that.  We are all different, and  to me, what your SIL did seems like a nice acknowledgment that this loss is real and that this baby will not be forgotten.  So often, people don't acknowledge m/c as a "real" loss.  I think that was her way of trying to acknowledge in a very thoughtful way.   I wish someone, anyone, had acknowledged my loss.  It was as though it never happened. 

    That being said, given that it is a painful reminder for you, I think maybe it is a good idea to put it away somewhere that you don't have to see it or come across it.  If your SIL asks about it, maybe tell her the truth, that it is a painful reminder.  
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