Success after RPL

cdubs85

So I'm one day past my natural miscarriage.  I feel so alone and so lost in my grief.  I had been doing fine until I got home from work and now these horrible thoughts are taking over.  I just wanted to ask you ladies that are currently having a good pregnancy after recurrent pregnancy loss to share your stories with me.  Please give me some inspiration to overcome this grief.  Please share your journeys with me on here or through PM.  

megbmeg

I'm so sorry for the hurt you are going through now and wish I could offer more help. I'm not really close enough to having a rainbow baby to feel like a success quite yet, but in just the last few weeks I've seen several mamas meet their rainbow babies and it is so wonderful. Having been through two losses I have felt the dark sorrow and fear you described and all I can say is you are not alone in that suffering, that it does get less miserable, and I hope you can keep being as kind to yourself as you can. So many hugs to you!!

ETA: a very important word: NOT alone

cdubs85

megbmeg said:

I'm so sorry for the hurt you are going through now and wish I could offer more help. I'm not really close enough to having a rainbow baby to feel like a success quite yet, but in just the last few weeks I've seen several mamas meet their rainbow babies and it is so wonderful. Having been through two losses I have felt the dark sorrow and fear you described and all I can say is you are not alone in that suffering, that it does get less miserable, and I hope you can keep being as kind to yourself as you can. So many hugs to you!! ETA: a very important word: NOT alone

I'll be looking for those discussions where mommas are meeting their rainbows for inspiration.  You described these feelings perfectly.  It's the darkest sorrow I have ever experienced.  Although you say you wouldn't describe the pregnancy as successful just yet, you have passed your loss milestone by 2 weeks and that in and of itself is wonderful.  Did your doctor recommend an RE following your second loss? Did you have any testing done?

Wishing and always praying all PGAL ladies get their rainbow babies.

sweetpea2003

I'm so sorry .

I can't speak for this pregnancy, but I have two healthy kids who have been born in the wake of loss. I had a miscarriage in 2007, then lost my DD's twin in 2009. I was absolutely flattened when her twin died and was 100% sure I would lose her too (loss was all I had known up to that point). I couldn't even get out of bed for a week because I had so much fear and anxiety and sadness.

But she came. Healthy and happy and perfect. 16 months later I had my son. Again, healthy and happy.

I had another miscarriage last year, and it has definitely made my anxiety high and my attachment low this pregnancy. But I know from experience that it isn't always the outcome and that rainbow babies are born. To be pregnant you have to be willing to put your heart out there, to be vulnerable, and to risk heartbreak. It is incredibly scary, but I know it is worth it.

Wishing you nothing but good things.

megbmeg

@cdubs85‌
You asked: Did your doctor recommend an RE following your second loss? Did you have any testing done.

After loss 2 my OB said it really wasn't time for me to see an RE yet. She basically said I am healthy and I had rotten luck, but there was no reason the next pregnancy wouldn't be successful. If I were to have a third loss, then she would have referred me. Honestly, she was so optimistic that it really encouraged me. She said she has seen many patients suffer losses but then have happy, healthy babies.

Thank you for your encouragement about my 10 wks victory. I am feeling more hopeful then I have before. And I hope when you're ready you'll have a BFP to share with us and we can cheer you on. Hang in there.

megbmeg

@sweetpea2003‌
To be pregnant you have to be willing to put your heart out there, to be vulnerable, and to risk heartbreak. It is incredibly scary, but I know it is worth it

This is so lovely and so true. Your story made me so sad & so happy!

kibylou

I am so sorry for how you are feeling now. I would not wish that pain on anybody. I have not had 2 consecutive losses, but one loss, one baby, one loss. I am now pregnant again and will be crushed if we lose this one too. Our daughter has given me so much joy though. I know that if I had to, I would go through many more losses in order to have her or in order to give her a sibling. Take the time you need to heal, but also know you will never truly be over it. I still grieve my first pregnancy and now I grieve my 3rd. I hope I never forget my angel babies.

lotus88

Lurking...

I'm sorry that you're going through this. I had two blighted ovums and a chemical pregnancy within a six month span that required a d&e, and two d&c s. I remember feeling so broken and so isolated from my Irl friends. After the third loss, we went to an re. The third pregnancy was tested and was tetraploidy. The only thing off was borderline low progesterone, which we expected given my LP is only 11 days. I was told to onto us the progesterone as my OB had prescribed, but also given synthroid, though my TSH was normal. I don't know if the stars aligned and my shitty luck just stopped, but I had DD in April if 2012 and DS in Feb 2014. It's 1:52am and I feel so lucky to be up nursing him.

jess123456

I am so sorry. I am here after five losses so probably wrote a similar post to yours several times. The pregnancies that we got tested included two very rare chromosomal abnormalities and I suspect that the others were too. I'm only 31 now. I've had four first trimester losses and then a second trimester loss with my baby girl. We started trying about 4 years ago and have taken lots of sanity breaks in between losses.

To say I felt hopeless that it would just never happen for us is an understatement. We sought the help of an RE after our second loss and it's the best thing that we did. She was very thorough. It was found that I have thyroid antibodies and compound het. for MTHFR (they don't think those had much to do with any losses other than maybe my very early losses). I was treated for both and got tons of additional procedures and tests including karotyping for both me and DH and nothing came up except for bad luck. While this was so painful not to get many answers it also validated to me that maybe our luck would finally turn if I had the courage to keep going and that's hard as you know to keep picking yourself up after getting pushed down again and again. We were one step away from doing IVF for the PGD but due to cost and that insurance wouldn't cover any of it decided to try Clomid with a trigger shot to give me a boost with ovulation and sure enough it worked (maybe it was just a coincidence but I think it did help trigger something to work correctly). I'm far from a success just yet and now in my second trimester with a baby boy who appears healthy on ultrasound and through the Panorama test. I can cry of happiness just from thinking about seeing him on that ultrasound because if you asked me if I would ever get to see a healthy baby a year ago I wouldn't believe you. Obviously we still have hurdles to go but for the first time in a long time I have hope that maybe just maybe this baby boy is our sweet rainbow that we had prayed and prayed for this whole time. I know how it feels like it will never happen and I truly believe now that miracles can happen even when you least expect it. My advice to you is to never give up because even if your journey is no way near close to what you expected it to
be, you just never know when miracles will happen. I wanted to so many times but if I had I would never be where I am now. If you can see an RE I highly recommend it. Therapy has also been a huge part of my journey and it helps to have my feelings validated. It's a tough road but please know that you aren't alone. If you ever want to private message me please feel free. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

voplo

I am really sorry for your loss. I know how it feels...like everyone else here.

 I had 2 consecutive miscarriages after my son (one before but that is a different story) , both in 2013. One of them a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks but diagnosed at 14... That was really hard.... When I went to my doctor they said they wouldn't test anything until the 3rd consecutive miscarriage! I was angry! They would make me go through another one to tell me what was wrong??. But making a long story short, I fought that because I am 39 now and it is not like I have much time left (my mum started the menopause at age 40). 

I got referred to a great OB (he delivered my son) and he did all the tests. We discovered a bit of a clotting disorder and low progesterone in this pregnancy. 

With the new medication, my pregnancy is progressing this time. I know is hard, but after my losses I used my my anger/grief to focus on getting the things done right. I had to "fight" with several doctors but at the end it was worth it. Of course I had really bad days that I wanted to give up, not try any more, but the reward at the end if too precious to let it go. And we really wanted a sibling for our son (in fact my husband, that it is 10 years younger, wanted to have 3 children). This only made me feel worse, because I was obsessed with it being my fault for being "old"... Still we are not out of the "danger zone" with this pregnancy, since recently we discovered I have high blood pressure and possibly GD, but I take one day at the time. And there is not even one of those days that I don't remember my other children. They will be always remembered. 

cdubs85

@lotus 88 and @voplo-Since you all mentioned low progesterone and I believe this is part of my problem I wanted to ask you all about that.  With my chemical pregnancy, my first beta draw and progesterone came back very low.  I want to say my progesterone was below 8.  I had begun spotting at that point and my second beta draw showed decreasing numbers.  I miscarried right away.  With my second pregnancy, I also had very low progesterone.  I'm not exactly sure what the number was but I want to say this one was below a 3. I got the results of the first progesterone draw the next day and as soon as I heard the number I thought he's going to supplement just in case.  Well that wasn't the case.  I wasn't supplemented until 4 days later with oral progesterone.  I measured behind on ultrasounds from the beginning and I can't help but wonder whether starting the progesterone earlier would've made the difference.  Is it possible that starting the progesterone late had an effect on the baby at 9 weeks?  Also, would starting the progesterone soon after ovulation be more helpful?

I'm sorry for all the questions and I know I can always google these, but google has a scary amount of unreliable information!

cdubs85

Thank you all for sharing.  I"m going to print this thread out and carry it with me so I can look at it often and know that one day our time will come to be parents.  You all give me so much hope and have such beautiful stories of courage and determination.  I am meeting with an RE soon and hope I can get my answers.  

ETA: Thread not threat!

sweetpea2003

I know you didn't ask me, but I know a little about low progesterone. There are two schools of thought or possibilities regarding low progesterone of miscarriage. Some doctors firmly believe that in the majority of cases, low progesterone is a symptom of miscarriage, not the cause. That our body's reaction to a genetic issue is to lower our progesterone to trigger evacuation. So the reason that women who are spotting and losing a pregnancy are testing with low P4 is because they pregnancy is not a healthy one. Most of the doctors I have talked to will say that low progesterone being a condition is pretty rare. However, with my son, I had my progesterone tested at 5w and it was under 10 (8 I believe). My OB at the time truly thought the pregnancy was doomed because of that number, and refused to supplement a pregnancy that wasn't proven viable. I called my MFM and he put me on progesterone (with the warning that progesterone wasn't going to save an unhealthy embryo). My son is now 3 and a half and perfectly healthy. I wasn't spotting when my progesterone came back at 8, but it certainly wasn't in a healthy pregnancy range. And I'd hate to think I would have lost him because of progesterone numbers. With my last pregnancy and this pregnancy, I was put on progesterone as soon as I got a BFP. I had a missed miscarriage last time, so I know that progesterone isn't some miracle drug. I suspect that that baby had chromosomal issues, and it is likely that my supplemental progesterone kept me from miscarrying on my own. Not ideal. I am on progesterone again this time, but I have been and will be more closely monitored so I won't go to 11w+ with an unviable pregnancy. Many REs and MFMs look at progesterone as a "can't hurt, might help" thing for women with losses. However, it is important to realize it is not a silver bullet. I do believe that in many cases, the low progesterone is the symptom of an unhealthy embryo and not the cause of loss. But after my experience with my son, I will always risk sustaining an unhealthy pregnancy for a few weeks *just in case*.

sweetpea2003

Sorry for the run on paragraph. iPad squished everything.

jess123456

I also agree with @sweetpea2003 about progesterone. After my second loss I was put on it just in case because my third pregnancy had low progesterone and I've since had it each pregnancy. I took progesterone a few days after my trigger shot this time but I know that some doctors also say after your positive. Your body will absorb what you need for the progesterone so it can't hurt. It can be expensive if your insurance doesn't cover it like mine.

Other things that I am on are Baby Aspirin until 38 weeks for my MTHFR, extra vitamin d, my prenatal with folate and extra folate instead of folic acid for MTHFR, prenatal DHA and B complex with folate. Before pregnancy I took Co-enzyme Q 10 but stopped after my positive. There are some studies out there that it can help with eggs. I have no clue if this is what also helped but ask your doctor about it.

haleyusf

((hugs)) I'm so sorry for your loss. 

My first loss was a blighted ovum; we're not sure what caused it, and it wasn't discovered till 10 weeks. I got PG with my son the cycle after my D&C and was on progesterone supplements through the first trimester. I'm confident that the supplements helped sustain that pregnancy as I had early spotting before starting them. My 2nd m/c was the cycle before this PG and was a very early loss/CP. I thought it was a progesterone issue again, but when my progesterone was tested with this PG it was actually really good. So far, so good on this PG.  You just have to have the faith to try again, work with your doctor to do early monitoring so that you can identify any issues, and remember that every pregnancy is different.

cdubs85

@jess123456-That baby boy IS your miracle rainbow baby.  I can only imagine what it feels like for you now having gone through so much heartbreak.  I'll be seeing an RE soon and hope either way to hear some positive news.  If something is wrong and can be fixed, that'll be great.  If nothing is wrong, well then we know we have a chance one day that things will just fall into place.  I'll be praying you continue to have a healthy pregnancy and get to hold that little miracle in your arms.  I believe in miracles too and can't wait to experience one myself.  

@RN536-I'm so sorry for your losses, but congrats on the pregnancy!  Did you ever get referred to an RE or were the losses chalked up to "bad luck"?

@andrea ri 80-I couldn't win the lottery if I didn't buy a ticket.  That makes so much sense!  I love your attitude in the face of adversity.  Once we have completed RPL testing and if everything is normal, I think I'll take a stance like yours.  Eventually, one has to stick.  Your story and so many of the others here are so uplifting.  I"m not alone with these feelings.  Just like you, I feel that perhaps this might never happen for me, but today reading all these posts just gives me that glimmer of hope for the future.  That little glimmer of hope is all I need to pick myself up and continue moving forward.

@sweetpea2003-I too would rather carry an unviable pregnancy "just in case".  I will keep everything you said in mind and express my concerns to my OB and RE.  Like you said "it's not the silver bullet", but I would like some peace of mind through testing or whatever the doctors see fit that this is not the cause for the reoccurrence.  Thank you for sharing such helpful information!

@mmheartspb-I'll always take the hugs!  I pray this is your rainbow!

voplo

Like @sweetpea2003 pointed very well, the progesterone is not a miracle medicine that assures you a perfect pregnancy, there are many factors that can cause a miscarriage. But saying this, in my case, the babies were healthy, I am seemingly healthy, apart from my age (or I was until now...). I strongly believe that the progesterone made a difference in this pregnancy. I started as soon as I called my OB after I found I was pregnant. He was in such a rush for me to take it that he didn't wait to see me 2 days later. He sent the prescription directly to my pharmacy that same day and I picked up 2 hours later and started taking it. I was 5 weeks at the time. Also he started me in aspirin until we got the results about the blood clotting and I will be using it until a week before my c-section. He has seen a lot of miscarriages, unexplained and recurrent miscarriages. I don't know if he does it for the "placebo" effect or because it really makes a difference but he had success following the same medication with different patients that lost their babies for no apparent reason... I can say I am one of them (I hope!). 

PD: I had those horrible suppositories.. yuck! No idea about oral progesterone, sorry...