Not sure how to handle shower planning...

brittosaurus

I'm in a little bit of a weird situation, and I'd love some advice. I'm kind of at a loss for how to handle planning for my shower(s), since this is my first baby and I've only been to a couple of friends' showers. We are a military family, and we moved to CO about 8 months ago. We don't have any real friends here yet, so I want to have showers both in my hometown in AL and in DC (where we just spent 4 years and have a TON of great friends who are very excited for baby). I'm sure my mom will be in charge of planning the small shower for family and old friends in AL, but I'm not sure what to do about DC... I have a couple of really close friends who I think may offer, but they're both extremely busy people, and I'm not sure if they'll have the time. I'd much rather have a pretty non-traditional shower (definitely coed) for this one. It would be more of a chance for me to get to see all of my friends during my visit and celebrate the baby than an actual shower. That given, would it be seen as tacky for me to plan it myself? 

Plus, since I'll be flying, I'll need to figure out how to get any gifts back to CO. Is it weird to ask for anything that's not really small to be shipped to my home, and for them to just bring a photo so I still have something to "open" at the party?

Thanks in advance for any suggestions!

-Brittany

Disneygeek77

Sorry, but what you are planning is considered tacky and well...not very polite.  Showers are gifts themselves and just like any other gift, if no one gives you one, than you don't get one.  

Now, if you simply want to get together with friends while in DC, go ahead.  Don't mention a word about the baby until they get there and once everyone is gathered together you can celebrate the pregnancy with a toast or with a  special dessert.  

Again, don't say a word about a gift or even the word baby for the DC get together.

EastCoastBride

Yes, it would be tacky for you to plan it.  IF they want to throw you a shower, then they will offer.  Period.  Doesn't matter how busy they are.  IF they offer, sit back and let them plan the shower THEY want to throw.  If it's co-ed, great.  If it's not, then it's still great.  You take what is offered to you.  Their money, their time, their choice.

Oh, and to just get it out of the way now- if one is offered, you do NOT dictate how the gifts should be given to you.  Give your friends a little credit that they'll realize you have to fly home.  And if they don't?  Then either return it whle you're there and repurchase at home or pay to have it shipped. 

VOR

If these are such good friends and if they really are excited and really want to "celebrate" with you, then THEY will approach you about doing this. 

I don't get this concept that I see often around here that there are these groups of people who are "oh so excited" but that the MTB is the one who needs to throw herself a party in order to get them to celebrate...???

Helenahhandbasket

Don't mention anything about "small" gifts to your guests to the shower your mom is throwing.  Chances are, your guests will understand and either ship large gifts to your home, or gift you with portable things-- baby clothes/ blankets/ small toys.  If not, you will be in charge of getting your stuff back to CO-- you can ship it OR you can return everything for credit and then re-buy it once you get home.

Don't throw yourself a shower in DC.  You can maybe host a get together to see old friends, but do not mention anything baby related.

GL

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brittosaurus

The idea that you're not allowed to suggest how you would like your shower to go just seems so antiquated to me... Maybe "shower" isn't even the right term for the type of party I'm thinking of, but I know that I would NOT be comfortable if the person who offered to host my shower/party/whatever insisted that it be women only. A lot of my best friends are either men or somewhere in the middle of the gender spectrum (trans/genderqueer), so it would exclude people who are very important to me. They're just as excited about the baby as my female friends, so why would I leave them out? 

The more I think about it, I just don't understand why it's so taboo for someone to throw their own party, especially if it's not a traditional baby shower (I'm thinking more of going the baby-que route). I just don't want to impose upon my friends who are already incredibly busy and don't have the extra cash to spend on a big party for me, especially since I'm not living there right now. If you can host your own birthday party, what's wrong with having a baby party? It seems like it's just one of those things that has been poo-poo'ed for so long, everyone accepts it for tradition's sake even though it doesn't make much sense for modern times.

And with the gifts situation, I think I didn't word that very well. It's not like I'm saying GIFTS EXPECTED, but I just know that a lot of people probably will bring one, since they've been bugging me for registries and whatnot (which I haven't even started yet...). Sure, gifts are a bonus, but I really just want to spend time with my loved ones and celebrate this baby with them. I'm just trying to be practical and think ahead.

brittosaurus

What does QFP mean? Apparently I don't speak message board.

VOR

brittosaurus said:

The idea that you're not allowed to suggest how you would like your shower to go just seems so antiquated to me... Maybe "shower" isn't even the right term for the type of party I'm thinking of, but I know that I would NOT be comfortable if the person who offered to host my shower/party/whatever insisted that it be women only. A lot of my best friends are either men or somewhere in the middle of the gender spectrum (trans/genderqueer), so it would exclude people who are very important to me. They're just as excited about the baby as my female friends, so why would I leave them out? 

 

Well, if one of them offers to host, then it won't be an issue, will it?  But - a shower is still a party thrown FOR YOU.  And yes, ideally the host will ask you for some degree of input.  But - if they don't OR if what you want they can't afford to throw, then THEY get to make the final decision. 

The more I think about it, I just don't understand why it's so taboo for someone to throw their own party, especially if it's not a traditional baby shower (I'm thinking more of going the baby-que route). I just don't want to impose upon my friends who are already incredibly busy and don't have the extra cash to spend on a big party for me, especially since I'm not living there right now. If you can host your own birthday party, what's wrong with having a baby party? It seems like it's just one of those things that has been poo-poo'ed for so long, everyone accepts it for tradition's sake even though it doesn't make much sense for modern times.

 

Oy.  Birthday parties aren't specifically gift giving events.  Showers are.  THAT is why it's taboo to throw your own party.  To have a shower ABSOLUTELY ='s people giving you gifts.  To throw a shower for yourself is to say "give me gifts".  That is why it's tacky. 

 

And really, ANY pre-baby party is going to be seen as a shower.  no matter what you call it.  That is what people are going to think it is. 

And with the gifts situation, I think I didn't word that very well. It's not like I'm saying GIFTS EXPECTED, but I just know that a lot of people probably will bring one, since they've been bugging me for registries and whatnot (which I haven't even started yet...). Sure, gifts are a bonus, but I really just want to spend time with my loved ones and celebrate this baby with them. I'm just trying to be practical and think ahead.

 

As far as "celebrating the baby" goes, I roll my eyes at this when it comes to PRE baby events.  PRE baby- you're celebrating the mom.  And, again, that's why people pretty much equate pre-baby parties to showers. 

 

If you want to celebrate that BABY, why not wait until after the baby is actually here for people to meet it?  And then you can have a 'meet the baby' party which you CAN throw yourself since the point of the party is meeting the baby, not to get gifts. 

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divinemsbee

If someone wants to throw one, they will offer. They really will. And they will probably ask for input on things like the guest list. And I'm assuming that if someone wanted to host they would know the make-up of your closest friends (because they would be one of them) and they would know who to invite and who you really didn't want excluded.

The term baby-que is revolting.

If someone decides that they'd like to throw you a shower in DC, they'll realize you're flying in (because, and this is an assumption, you'd be inviting people who know you moved because they are close to you and this wouldn't be a giant thing) and would probably send bigger things to your house. Anything else, either bring an extra suitcase or you can ship parcel post for a really reasonable rate.

Look, my H is in the military, I know what it's like to be far from friends and family, but it doesn't give me, or you, the right to be tacky and AWy. I probably won't have a shower where we live now and we've lived here for over 2 years. A lot of our friends have moved, and I wouldn't be surprised if more move before we get to the point of a shower. Hell, we might move before then. The most that will happen here is that H's work normally does a small shower with refreshments. But that might not even happen because there could be whole new regime. It's one of those things that you just let go and if it happens it happens. I'll probably end up with a small shower in my hometown(because I'm pretty sure my best friend is chomping at the bit to do it) (12ish hours away), and if I can't drive back I'll ship things. It's just something you get used to.

Also, if you want to 'celebrate the baby' and no one in DC offers to throw the shower, then I'd wait until you could travel and then go back to DC with the baby and do a 'meet the baby' thing.

A&DPritchett2be

I am also military and will be traveling from MS to MA for my shower. For the shower with your family, I would just let your mom plan it and say nothing about shipping gifts. This is what I am doing. In addition if there are items that are too large to take back with me, I will be returning the gifts and repurchasing the same items online with the return credit and have them shipped directly to my home. This may take a bit of time and effort but it is cheaper than shipping each item.

For the DC area, my opinion is to not throw your own shower/get together. If you already have a trip booked, I would let your friends know when you will be in the area and that you hope to see everyone. This would open the door and let people know that you will be in town and they may offer to throw you a shower. If you haven't planned a trip yet, maybe tell a friend that you are hoping to visit before baby comes and that may open the door as well. You definitely don't want to ask people to throw you a shower, but I see nothing wrong in letting them know that you will be in town. That way you can at least make plans to see your friends individually and not have the pressure of a shower.

brittosaurus

Alright, ladies. Point made. No need to pile on anymore. I still disagree on a couple of points (I DO think etiquette can be antiquated and needs to be re-examined periodically), but at least now I know how strongly people feel about these things. I just don't come from that world. Frankly, I'm surprised at how hostile some of your responses have been. I'm going to step back from the conversation now.

One last thing - speaking of things that are "rude," I just have to say that the whole QFP thing is a huge turn-off to posting on these boards at all. It feels like I was being ridiculed before I had even responded, and I really don't appreciate that.

KatFCo

Has everything been covered?

1. First time poster? Check

2. Wants to plan own shower? Check

3. Wants to give suggestions regarding gifts? Check

4. "It's not really about the gifts"? Check

5. "Times are changing"? Check

6. You guys are being mean! Check

Now all we need is a "this board is about support" or a comment on pregnancy hormones and we'll be done. We need to start playing bingo or something. 

Disneygeek77

Your post isn't always for your benefit alone either.  QFP is for others benefit as well because you aren't the only one that can use the advice that is given in this thread.  Haven't you ever received valuable information from reading another person's post ?  I know I certainly have.  

If you were to delete your post, than others in a similar situation wouldn't understand the responses.  

Helenahhandbasket

KatFCo said:

Has everything been covered?

1. First time poster? Check

2. Wants to plan own shower? Check

3. Wants to give suggestions regarding gifts? Check

4. "It's not really about the gifts"? Check

5. "Times are changing"? Check

6. You guys are being mean! Check

Now all we need is a "this board is about support" or a comment on pregnancy hormones and we'll be done. We need to start playing bingo or something. 

We also need an "I feel sorry for your husbands/ children."

Meery82

RedFirePhoenix25 said:

Kimbus22 said:

KatFCo said:

Has everything been covered?

1. First time poster? Check

2. Wants to plan own shower? Check

3. Wants to give suggestions regarding gifts? Check

4. "It's not really about the gifts"? Check

5. "Times are changing"? Check

6. You guys are being mean! Check

Now all we need is a "this board is about support" or a comment on pregnancy hormones and we'll be done. We need to start playing bingo or something. 

You forgot "People can throw their own birthday parties though!"

WHO?  Who are these adults that throw themselves birthday parties?  Where are they?  I've never once been to a birthday party thrown by the person who is being celebrated. Never once.

I invited people to a bar to celebrate my birthday with me last year because I turned 30. Of course, I wouldn't really call that a party, the karaoke was going on anyway. And I got too blitzed to really notice who was there anyway.

I don't think I've ever seen the term "trans/genderqueer". Is this something new? Am I out of the loop? I'm not being snarky, genuinely curious.

LOL. Where did you see that?

PrimRoseMama

brittosaurus said:

The idea that you're not allowed to suggest how you would like your shower to go just seems so antiquated to me... Maybe "shower" isn't even the right term for the type of party I'm thinking of, but I know that I would NOT be comfortable if the person who offered to host my shower/party/whatever insisted that it be women only. A lot of my best friends are either men or somewhere in the middle of the gender spectrum (trans/genderqueer), so it would exclude people who are very important to me. They're just as excited about the baby as my female friends, so why would I leave them out? 

The more I think about it, I just don't understand why it's so taboo for someone to throw their own party, especially if it's not a traditional baby shower (I'm thinking more of going the baby-que route). I just don't want to impose upon my friends who are already incredibly busy and don't have the extra cash to spend on a big party for me, especially since I'm not living there right now. If you can host your own birthday party, what's wrong with having a baby party? It seems like it's just one of those things that has been poo-poo'ed for so long, everyone accepts it for tradition's sake even though it doesn't make much sense for modern times.

And with the gifts situation, I think I didn't word that very well. It's not like I'm saying GIFTS EXPECTED, but I just know that a lot of people probably will bring one, since they've been bugging me for registries and whatnot (which I haven't even started yet...). Sure, gifts are a bonus, but I really just want to spend time with my loved ones and celebrate this baby with them. I'm just trying to be practical and think ahead.

Asked & Answered.

You asked if we thought it was tacky.
We answered yes, it's tacky & in poor taste.

That is not an invitation to go on some ramble to us to try to justify why you want to do it anyway.

Why did you ask if you didn't want real advice?

NLJ82

brittosaurus said:

The idea that you're not allowed to suggest how you would like your shower to go just seems so antiquated to me... Maybe "shower" isn't even the right term for the type of party I'm thinking of, but I know that I would NOT be comfortable if the person who offered to host my shower/party/whatever insisted that it be women only. A lot of my best friends are either men or somewhere in the middle of the gender spectrum (trans/genderqueer), so it would exclude people who are very important to me. They're just as excited about the baby as my female friends, so why would I leave them out? 

The more I think about it, I just don't understand why it's so taboo for someone to throw their own party, especially if it's not a traditional baby shower (I'm thinking more of going the baby-que route). I just don't want to impose upon my friends who are already incredibly busy and don't have the extra cash to spend on a big party for me, especially since I'm not living there right now. If you can host your own birthday party, what's wrong with having a baby party? It seems like it's just one of those things that has been poo-poo'ed for so long, everyone accepts it for tradition's sake even though it doesn't make much sense for modern times.

And with the gifts situation, I think I didn't word that very well. It's not like I'm saying GIFTS EXPECTED, but I just know that a lot of people probably will bring one, since they've been bugging me for registries and whatnot (which I haven't even started yet...). Sure, gifts are a bonus, but I really just want to spend time with my loved ones and celebrate this baby with them. I'm just trying to be practical and think ahead.

brittosaurus , All of this seems perfectly normal to me. I think I'd cool it when speaking about specific sized and kinds of gifts, but other than that...ur good. It's fine to host your own if needed and it's awesome to do coed. If you get gifts that are too large...that's just on you and you'll have to figure out a way, but enjoy it regardless!

 

Empireceo

NLJ82 said:

brittosaurus said:

The idea that you're not allowed to suggest how you would like your shower to go just seems so antiquated to me... Maybe "shower" isn't even the right term for the type of party I'm thinking of, but I know that I would NOT be comfortable if the person who offered to host my shower/party/whatever insisted that it be women only. A lot of my best friends are either men or somewhere in the middle of the gender spectrum (trans/genderqueer), so it would exclude people who are very important to me. They're just as excited about the baby as my female friends, so why would I leave them out? 

The more I think about it, I just don't understand why it's so taboo for someone to throw their own party, especially if it's not a traditional baby shower (I'm thinking more of going the baby-que route). I just don't want to impose upon my friends who are already incredibly busy and don't have the extra cash to spend on a big party for me, especially since I'm not living there right now. If you can host your own birthday party, what's wrong with having a baby party? It seems like it's just one of those things that has been poo-poo'ed for so long, everyone accepts it for tradition's sake even though it doesn't make much sense for modern times.

And with the gifts situation, I think I didn't word that very well. It's not like I'm saying GIFTS EXPECTED, but I just know that a lot of people probably will bring one, since they've been bugging me for registries and whatnot (which I haven't even started yet...). Sure, gifts are a bonus, but I really just want to spend time with my loved ones and celebrate this baby with them. I'm just trying to be practical and think ahead.

brittosaurus , All of this seems perfectly normal to me. I think I'd cool it when speaking about specific sized and kinds of gifts, but other than that...ur good. It's fine to host your own if needed and it's awesome to do coed. If you get gifts that are too large...that's just on you and you'll have to figure out a way, but enjoy it regardless!

 

No no no no no. It's not "fine" to host your own shower. Get a clue.

NLJ82

LOL! Yea it is

NLJ82

lol! No, just new to this board and offering my opinions. I don't think that differing opinions should be 'troll status'. I'm offering it to OP, wasn't looking for a debate really....although I knew it was inevitable unfortunately. I just think it's something really fun and light hearted and shouldn't have to many strict rules. It's a party for a baby & it's mother. All the rules are a bit much for me. Thankfully my family and friends agree and things are going smoothly

NLJ82

@RedheadBaker I've been to "Celebration of Life" ceremonies and gatherings for deceased many times who "weren't there"....I think "they're not born yet" is irrelevant. He's in me...I'll be there...he'll be in the room I'm pretty sure.

Like I said, THANKFULLY my family and friends agree with me so no one would be uncomfortable in my situation. Everyone is different though. I'm just speaking from my point of view.

Empireceo

NLJ82 said:

@RedheadBaker I've been to "Celebration of Life" ceremonies and gatherings for deceased many times who "weren't there"....I think "they're not born yet" is irrelevant. He's in me...I'll be there...he'll be in the room I'm pretty sure.

Like I said, THANKFULLY my family and friends agree with me so no one would be uncomfortable in my situation. Everyone is different though. I'm just speaking from my point of view.

Well than you should know your point of view is not what anyone who has any grasp of etiquette deems acceptable. That's just a fact.

NLJ82

lol!! u guys are so funny I like this board!

Saratiff

ScarletButler

NLJ82 said:

Like I said, THANKFULLY my family and friends agree with me so no one would be uncomfortable in my situation. Everyone is different though. I'm just speaking from my point of view.

Truer words have never been spoken. I always feel like I have such different opinions to the majority. Is it a region thing? Most of the people I know think like me, guess we just aren't good enough to post here. 

Cranang

Sigh

Cranang

@MandJS, Kind of crappy as you've seen but I'm hoping we're on the upswing.

PrimRoseMama

It's in absolutely awful taste to compare a memorial service or wake to a baby shower. What the fuck?! :-??

AMcLaws

I've been lurking around this board for a few days now. And the amount of people asking "can I throw my own shower?" Just astounds me. It makes my stomach turn. I'm due with my second child (another girl) in 6 weeks and I've politely turned down offers for numerous showers. It's just all in very poor etiquette to even think about it. ESPECIALLY throwing your own. Times may be changing, but etiquette never does.