Difficult situation

tguichon

I am almost 14 weeks pregnant. The father and I had been together a year before I got pregnant. But when we found out. He didn't want me to go through with it. I found that I had no reason not to. I am 30. I own my own house. Have a good job. Have great family. I've had 2 miscarriages before with my ex husband. I don't have any children and I have always wanted them. I was also adopted and felt like it wouldn't be right or fair to not go through with it when so many people can't and I have no reason not to. Anyways. When I was 10 weeks. He got fired from his job. And just took off. He's 34. Packed his stuff and left. His friend had to tell me that he moved back to his parents place 2 provinces away. He hasn't told me anything spoken to me, texted me back. Nothing. I'm just so mad that he would just walk away so easily. Said he wasn't ready for it and can't support a child from a different province. I am just not sure how to deal with it from here on. Do I tell him about appointments? Send him ultrasound pictures, or do I go on like he is never going to be there....I always expected that I would be happily married and going through this. But it happened. I just didn't see this coming. I knew we probably wouldn't continue a romantic relationship, but I thought we would keep contact for the baby. Im just lost with how to deal with him right now. I do have my stuff together and am independent and can handle this on my own. I just want to know how to deal with the issue when my child is born.

jlove253

I say, involve him as much as you want to. You have your life together. If it makes you feel bad, and he doesn't respond well, leave him out.

But make sure to keep him involved eventually from a child-support perspective. Regardless of whether or not he wants to be involved, he still was involved for the conception, so he needs to be responsible.

jlove253

And I'm sorry you're in this situation. How sucky. Congratulations on your pregnancy, and hopefully everything will work out well .

phdprocrastinator

That is really tough.  Hugs to you.  It sounds like you are in a fine place to become a mom, even if this isn't necessarily the way you had planned.

I think the biggest challenge right now is not knowing if he's (1) really and truly signing out or (2) freaking out and may want to have contact with your child later.  In *either* case, you should look into the laws for pursuing child support.  In the US, you can't do anything until the baby arrives and you may have to establish paternity if the dad says he doesn't think the baby is his.  I'm not sure how it works in Canada.  Even if you can support the baby on your own, it's absolutely his responsibility to provide financial support.  

It's hard to know exactly what I would do if I were in your situation, but I think for the time being I might provide some info to him (send the ultrasound pictures, give general updates if there's something going on) until I figured out if I was dealing with situation 1 or 2.  At the same time, I would save all correspondence to use in court in case he tries to fight you for custody or denies paternity.

Best of luck to you!  I hope you have a relatively uneventful pregnancy!

mamatohne

What a tough situation to be in. If I were in your position I would do what I can to keep him involved during your pregnancy. I would tell him about the appointments how things are going and so on. I would also continue after the baby is born if he hasn't come around.
In my experience, it took a long time for my dh to come around to being a dad. (We thought we couldn't have kids and we're at a point we were getting used to that idea) I think if you do your part you won't have regrets if he chooses not to participate in your baby's life.
Good luck with everything!

MrsDL

Sorry you are going through this OP, but congrats on your pregnancy and yay for you being in a place to do it alone.  I've found that life's greatest surprises and blessings come unexpectedly and unplanned.  I agree with pp, right now it's hard to know if he's really checked-out or in freak-out mode. The fact that he lost his job probably has him panicked - for many men, especially those about to be fathers, something like that is an ego/pride crush because many feel like they need to contribute financially and he might be feeling down about his situation - not that this is any excuse for his behavior.

You know him - what are your thoughts as to why he's done this? If you think he might just be freaking, I'd reach-out to him once, ask him if he once to be involved in knowing what's going on with your pregnancy.  Personally, I think If he ignores you or says "no,"  I wouldn't take it upon yourself to involve him until he comes around, he has to want to come around on his on. You have enough to deal with in terms of getting ready for this baby and perhaps going at it alone. It shouldn't be your burden to help him come around or involve him. My thought is that when women do this, it has a way of coming back to bite them in the ass (I didn't want this, you kept 'hounding me', etc.). He simply has to want to be involved and if he doesn't, on his own, he doesn't deserve to know the joy of fatherhood and having such a strong and independent woman in his life. Plus, if he feels forced into it, your child might feel that at some point - a father who checks in and out, a father throwing the fact he didn't want this in mom's face during arguments. You and your child don't need that.

That said, I'm not sure how child support works in Canada but I would take time to discuss that with him and do what you need to do. It doesn't matter if you are completely 100% OK financially, at the very least it is now his responsibility to contribute to his child's life this way. Hoping he's just freaked and comes around on his own, you sound like you deserve that. But if not, it sounds like you'll be OK on your own and you'll be free to have a relationship with somebody who deserves having you and your child in his life. Good luck, this must be stressful for you!

HappyToBeHere

I'm sorry you're stuck in this situation.  I truly have nothing better to add that PPs haven't already covered.  Do what you feel in your heart is right - if involving him because you think he may get over this freak-out stage is in your best interest, by all means go for it.  But don't force it on him if he is unresponsive - you've got this, and you and your bundle of joy will be better off without someone who runs at the first sign of adversity!!

So on that note, congratulations!!  I admire your rationale in keeping your new addition, and I bet you'll be an amazing mom

smboswell1

I am going through the same thing but I am much younger. Texting the ex about the baby only makes it worse. I've decided to give him space so hopefully he might come around. I agree with the child support. He has to be involved no matter what! Congrats on the precious baby:)

DoubleUp8

I think you have gotten a lot of good advice from the PP, so just wanted to chime in and say I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope you have a happy and healthy 9 months regardless of what happens with the father.

mb314

I'm sorry you're going through this.  I would check out the Single Moms board here - those ladies may have helpful advice about child support, and they can give you moral support.  I think you need to get a lawyer to review your options regarding child support.  It never hurts to start early.  And I would also back off on contacting him for now.  You've reached out.  I sincerely hope he comes around, but he may need space. 

mander82

Kuddos to you for doing the right thing and for being so confident in your ability to do this  

You are brave!     I would say try to get an answer from him as to what his plans are,  does he just need time to think about this,  or is he 100% out of the relationship?

Hard to imagine how he can just walk away so easily after being together for a year.     If he is done and wants out for sure,  I would absolutely be going after child support.    The extra cash to help for daycare will help.

Sorry you are going through this,  I hope it all works out ok for you.   

TXSparky

I don't have any advice to add, I just wanted to say it sounds like you have your stuff together. I hope things work out for you and baby the best way possible. Good luck with everything!

MalachiteDrake

>:D<

cindyNmark2010

So sorry you are going through this.  There is so much great advice from PP's...I totally agree with them.  Don't push too hard to involve him, if he wants to be there then he will be.  Make sure to look into the legal aspects for the future in case he doesn't want to be there.  It will be better for you and your LO.....always do what you think is best for you and LO (which it sounds like you are already doing).  Kudos to you for being independant and ready to start this journey that is going to be the beginning of a beautiful life.  I'm a stepmom, and we have SS full time.  A little advice if the road should go downhill....never forget that no matter what crap an absent parent may throw at you, you get the joy of knowing you are responsible and loved by a little human who will always look up to you.  You are strong...you've got this!   Best wishes to you.      

mussalynn

So sorry you are going through this, but you also need to protect yourself in case he's not coming back.  Talk to a lawyer and find out what your options are.  As for "not being able to support a child from two provinces away", I'm sure the government will be happy to garnish his wages for him if he can't figure out for himself how to use online banking.

brianamah

Oh gosh! What a bad spot he's put you in... and how selfish of him. I'm so happy to hear that you have a great family and seem to really have your feet on the ground. You seem very independent. That'll do you a world of good.

In my opinion, if he isnt answering any of your calls, texts, etc, he is sending a clear message about what he wants. No involvement. Should he suddenly resurface, don't waste any time and ask him to tell you what he would like to do, clearly. And then take it from there. 

tguichon

Thanks for all the replies. They are all really helpful. I didn't even know there was a single moms board, I'm going to have to check that out. Either way, I'm really excited and looking forward to this little bundle of joy!!!! Not going to let him ruin that for me.