November 2014 Moms
SummerB0607
member
Anyone else not close to their mother?
SummerB0607
member
My mother has never really been supportive of anything I have done. When I told her I was pregnant she was not happy at all. When I started bleeding heavily at five weeks and was at the ER and sure I was having a miscarriage (I didn't) she told me it would be best if I lost the baby and I should just keep my legs together (because me and my boyfriend are not married) She can be very cruel and says hurtful things. She is also controlling and manipulative. She will try to make me feel guilty if I do not do exactly what she wants. And she had the nerve to tell me she wants to be in the delivery room. Ummm...no. I don't need that stress. Anyone else have a rocky relationship with the parents?
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Re: Anyone else not close to their mother?
I feel a little green with envy over people who have good relationships with their mothers. But, fortunately, my Grandmother took the role of Mother for most of my life, so I have her for support and sharing my joy.
I've always known that having kids would be one of the most difficult times because she wouldn't be there and I know how much she would have wanted grand kids. I actually found out I was pregnant in early March right around the same time as her birthday and the anniversary of her death. I thought it would make me sad thinking of her not being there to meet her grandchild, but instead I was so happy knowing how excited and supportive she would have been. She would have been a good grandma and as much as it makes me a sad to think she will never see this LO, I'm comforted in the knowing how proud she would have been.
As an example, when I got the flu as a teenager, my mom slapped me and asked if I was pregnant. Being hit in the face and accused of wild things while you are vomiting and sick and have a fever is ridiculous. To this day she in incapable/unwilling to put down her own issues and deal with things that are ACTUALLY HAPPENING. she builds wild associations in her mind based on what she's most afraid of and then responds as if they were real.
Recently my mom had surgery with a long recovery and spent the entire 12 weeks making everyone miserable and insulting my dad. I'm so disgusted by her behavior and the way she treats people is awful. I refuse to speak to her for anything other than necessary interactions about DS or my dad.
My mom wasn't welcome at DS's birth and I don't want her near me this time either. I know DS loves his grandma, but I can't deal with her anymore.
My dad married again when I was 10. My step mom can be great but mostly she is a bitch. (She is an alcoholic) they live 2 hours away and when I go home we usually fight so I avoid it as much as possible.
On the other hand I had the most amazing mother in law in the world. Me and dh have been together since I was 15 so I can say she had a huge part in me becoming the mother I am. She passed away from a short battle of brain cancer when I was 11 weeks pregnant with ds. (Her first grandbaby) she was an amazing woman!
My relationship with my mom is improving. She divorced my dad when I was younger, and then spent my middle and high school years living like she was the teen. She was selfish and uncaring, but acted like she was a good mom. It was so hard to not have her there when I needed her. When I graduated hs she moved 4 hours away with her bf and then married him without telling me until after the fact. After that I stopped talking to her all together.
When I got pregnant with DD we had started repairing our relationship and she was planning on moving near me, and I had to tell her no. She wasn't invited to the hospital but came up a two weeks later for a couple days. Since then, we've really worked through things. She was really nurturing when we visited and I was puking with HG a few weeks ago, which was great, but she keeps talking about how she will come up for the birth. I don't want her to. I've forgiven her, but I don't want her anywhere near me in such an emotional time. I tend to think of her wants before my own, because that's how I cope. Bad time to do that in delivery.
I'm so blessed to have an awesome step-mom and MIL (who has made it her goal to NOT be a monster-in-law).
The last time I saw her was probably 5 years ago, when she came into the grocery store I worked at. I told her to leave or I would call management. (She has a pretty "impressive" theft record.) DH has never met her, and I have no plans of letting her back in my life at any point. I do have a half brother and half sister that are hers, and I try to stay close with them and help them deal with what it's like to have her as a mother.
Sometimes I do get really hung up on just not understanding what it's like having a mom. I am jealous of all the people I know who complain about how their mom always wants to be with them or do special things, however, I am positive growing up with one parent incapable of love solidified my desire to be a good, loving mother.
If you avoid thinking about your past or try to avoid dealing with it, you'll never be free from it. It will follow you around and work it's way into your choices, your reactions, the things you say and do.
Each if us has a responsibility to deal with the damage we've inherited. That's what growing up is all about.
I love her, I will always be here for her, but I do not need her in my life to make me who I am. I respect her, she is my mother but I set boundaries, and I do not allow for her to cross those boundaries. I'm an adult and she will need to trust in my choices. If she doesn't, not my problem.
I don't have a close relationship with my mom which is disappointing, she was incredibly close to my grandmother. I have 3 sisters, only one of us is close with her (and weirdly the rest of us aren't very close to this one sister - my mom and sister have similar personalities and I think the rest of us are more opposite). It's not terrible, but we don't speak all that much and don't see each other all that much. DS is 3 and she's only seen him about 4 or 5 times. She's just a bit self-centered and means well, but it hurts I don't have the relationship I see some other friends have. That said, my MIL is awesome and I'm closer to her - DH has a brother, no sisters so she treats me like the daughter she never had. She flies in to see her grandson every 6 weeks or so and I talk with her a few times a week.
You'll work hard to have a relationship with your child early on just because that's what you want. Forming a parental/child bond starts early and you're aware of your mom's shortcomings and the problems you have, it makes it easier to avoid pitfalls. I feel like DS and I have a strong bond (and he'll grow and go through that "mom - no hugs in public!" phase), but I work and willl work everyday to make sure he knows he can count on me, that I love and treasure him and will always be there to support him. I don't feel I have that with my mom so I work even harder at creating that kind of bond with my son - well sons in a few months.
I've been estranged from my mother since I was a teenager, after my father died and she chose a new abusive partner over her own children. I went to live with my grandparents who were wonderful parents to me, but they too passed in my early 20s. It saddens me that this child won't have the special relationship with it's grandparents that I so cherished. (DH's father also passed when he was a child and while I think his mother is a lovely woman and a fantastic grandmother, she is currently 81yo)
I am sometimes envious of other women who have a mother figure to turn to and ask questions. Who will be present for the birth and potentially help out afterwards. Who will share in the excitement. But, I think I always knew that having a child would bring those types of feelings forward and that it's just another part of the loss I've felt for most of my life related to not having the mother I yearned to have but that she was never able to be.
I hope that I can be the mother my child needs.