How to Respond

LisaG09

Hi ladies, I was hoping some of you could share some wisdom on how to deal with people talking about kids around you. It's been two and a half weeks since my loss and I feel stronger every day but sometimes I'm just at such a loss I don't even know what to do. I was worried about Easter for this reason. Today, we saw lots of adorable babies during the Easter egg hunt but I handled it fine. Then we went to dinner at my BF's family's house. It was the first time that I have seen most of them since the loss (they were all so supportive at the time) but during dinner, my boyfriend's older brother was rocking in a rocking chair, his mom mentioned that maybe it's time he have a little one to rock (he has a child from when he was a teenager that he lost rights to, his girlfriend also has a 14 year old daughter), he adamantly said he didn't want that ever. I knew the conversation was taking a dangerous turn but I didn't really see an out so I just sat quietly. There is an older brother that lives far away that has two children that he lost rights to also but he has four step-children that nobody ever gets to see because they live so far away. So essentially my future mother-in-law has seven grandchildren/step-grandchildren and she hasn't seen any of them in years. She began the same speech that I have heard before about how all of her friends have grandkids and she doesn't...I've heard it before but it definitely started to sting. She finished the speech by reminding us that my boyfriend was going to have her grandkids soon. She's said this same thing to the family several times before but I just wasn't expecting it this time. It's most definitely too soon. I'm trying not to be angry and I kept quiet about the whole thing and thankfully the conversation changed rather quickly. I mentioned it to my boyfriend and he agreed that he didn't like the discussion either and he apologized, he gave me an apologetic look the entire time she was talking too. I know she has the best of intentions and I'm sure she didn't even consider the way her words might sound to me but I'm wondering how you guys would take it. Would you have sat quietly? Would you expect your boyfriend/husband to have stopped her? Would you have cut her off by changing the subject? Or being straight forward that it hurt your feelings? Or would you have cared at all? Sometimes I'm just sure that I am more sensitive than most people and I never can tell when I'm over reacting. Thank you ladies for your input and I hope you all had a wonderful Easter/weekend! 

Cocoasushi

I'm sorry for your loss and I'm sorry you had to deal with that. My feelings would have been hurt, too. When I'm upset, I tend to just shut down or leave, so I would have probably just sat there or had to excuse myself. What bothers me honestly changes every day. Sometimes I can't bear to hear the word baby, others I'm cool with even holding someone's little one. On days where it is hardest for me to cope, I tend to keep to myself. I know that people who have not experienced a loss can't possibly understand, but some people just don't know when to think before they speak.

sergeantb44

I am sorry for your loss and that you had to be hurt that way.  I agree with @cocaasushi that after my loss it triggers were different each day.  My SO has three children from his first marriage.  We had them for the entire weekend that I found out I had no HB.  I scheduled my D&C for 4 days later on a day we also had them, though they are older those days they were a distraction to me.  Other days I see them and just cry.  

I also think that people often just don't know WHAT to say and whatever they choose likely will upset us in the days following.  I started a new job at a hospital ( I am a nurse) and was in tears watching the history of the hospital talking about the Children's Hospital.

Maybe in all honesty just talk to her about your feelings being hurt- maybe she didn't realize that it hurt them.

Hugs to you!

biojess

I would have just left the room and cried in the bathroom for a bit. It would have made me feel like she was trying to point out my failure. I'm sorry that happened to you.

LisaG09

Thank you ladies. I'm still unsure of what to do. I'll probably just try to be better prepared next time in case it happens again. I'm not sure if she just wasn't thinking, I assume she understands the pain because she had a miscarriage once too. However, I know everyone reacts differently to it. I hate not knowing how to feel.

Yaz14

I totally get it. I would have been hurt too and probably would have done exactly what you did - sat there quietly. Thankfully no one close to me (who knows about my mc) has even mentioned babies or pregnancy to me since my mc which helps but others who don't know have. I find that I feel jealous and upset seeing pregnant women and babies but it's getting easier. Today I surprised myself by approaching one of the kids mums at work who is 21 weeks pregnant and asking her how her pregnancy was going. She happily chatted away about feeling tired and being excited etc and I actually felt happy for her. I find it helps to think about the fact that I'll hopefully be a mum too soon.