So apparently I don't know what I'm doing...

SomersIsles · April 2014

Just finished what appeared to be a super passive aggressive "you're failing as a mom" conversation with my mom... I'm trying not to read into it too much but it's making me question myself now...

LO is 2 weeks + 3 days old. This is the criticism I just got.

1) We don't have a specific feed schedule. I feed him every 3-4 hours depending on when he stirs. Once in a blue moon he'll fall asleep and not wake up until the 4.5 hr mark (well at that point I'm waking him). So as a result it's not like I feed him every day at 8am... 11am... Etc. I just feed him 3-4 hrs after his last feed. Apparently this is wrong??

2) He loves being held. Apparently loves it too much. He also loves his paci. Also apparently too much. If I hold him and he has his paci he'll be peaceful. Sometimes he dozes off... Sometimes he just looks around. I'm being told that I'm training him to be too dependent on being held. But I don't understand what the alternative is... If I'm not holding him then he's fussy and eventually cries... ??

3) I don't know how to get him to fall asleep apparently. At night the most successful way is to hold him in the crook of my arm after I feed/change him. If I just put him in his bassinet he'll fuss and eventually cry. But again... I don't know what else I'm suppose to do...?

There's no pattern to him sleeping longer at any particular time... It's still so random.

I just keep thinking, he's so young! It's not like I can reason with him. My instinct is to hold him and comfort him. Now I'm second guessing everything I'm doing and she's making me paranoid that I'm reinforcing bad habits...

Are babies suppose to fall asleep in other ways??

I think I'm in too much CSection/wound packing pain... Plus I'm hormonal/weepy... I just don't know what I'm doing anymore

amdecker1016 · April 2014

If you are doing something wrong so am i.

Mia sometimes eats after two hours..sometimes four.
Last night was the first successful night in her pnp.
I hold her almost all day because of her reflux.

You arent doing anything wrong! Don't let your mom get in your head! You are doing an amazing job!

AshleyO925 · April 2014

You're doing everything right! There's no such thing as spoiling a newborn in my opinion. And most people here I've seen feed on demand! You are doing a great job so don't doubt yourself! I hope you heal soon.

lalaith50 · April 2014

Hugs! I know exactly the feeling of "I don't know what I'm doing!" And suggestions from other people don't help... My mom thinks if we dressed LO in warmer clothes he wouldn't want to be held as much! Argh! I completely know how you feel about not knowing if you're putting LO to sleep the wrong way... My personal opinion is you can't cuddle/hold them too much in the first 3 months, BUT I am trying to keep in mind long term habits, like not setting bad ones, so like sometimes I try to get LO to fall asleep in his PnP even though i know he won't stay asleep.

cdnmomma · April 2014

1) not her business
2) not her business
3) not her business

Don't let anyone make you question your own instincts. You know your baby best and what he needs. You're doing everything right for you and your son.

Edit - my response may be a bit harsh cause I'm kinda reeling from my own little taste of this. I'm sick of people thinking its okay to offer opinions when they have not been sought out.

kaking78 · April 2014

You're doing great! If I remember right, your baby is only a few days older than mine. I'm a FTM, but everything I've read or heard says that for the first month they aren't going to have much of a pattern yet. What newborns need is to feel secure that their needs will be met and that is exactly what you are doing. I think your mom means well, but she's giving you outdated advice.

dannie2011 · April 2014

Follow your instincts, you are doing everything right!

mrsdahamm · April 2014

Agree with pp. My 10 week old eats on demand, falls asleep in my arms before being put in his bassinet, and gets held most of the time I'm with him (dad is better about letting him chill in his swing). You know your baby. You're doing a great job mama!!

Eta - autocorrect

clo1982 · April 2014

You know what is the right way to do things....however works for you and your baby. You will never regret time you spent cuddling or holding your baby. Habits can be broken but you won't get that time back.

They are too young to be on a schedule right now. As soon as you get one set, they go through a growth spurt and it messes everything up.

Unfortunately everyone knows how to raise your baby better than you (not you personally, just generally) and also unfortunately this doesn't change. My standard response has become 'mm ok thanks I will keep that in mind.' Then I change the subject.

Don't let it get to you. Trust your instincts.

sebullows · April 2014

First of all, I am so sorry you're being criticized. My mom isn't much better either. I read in a baby book I have, "grandparents should give support, not suggestions" (they went on to say how much has changed since they were new parents and advice should only be given when asked). I am figuring out how to get my mom/mil to read that chapter..
As far as all the stuff you're doing, you're doing just about everything I do. I've read you can't hold a baby too much at that age since they're learning trust. My mom swears I'm creating a mamas boy and I will regret it later. I secretly hope he's the biggest mamas boy ever. I actually have started weaning him off being held so much, and he doesn't even seem to notice. He's 6 weeks.
Do what YOU wanna do and what YOU think is best. Nobody knows your baby the way you do.

jennybean80 · April 2014

What you mom is telling you was 'right/accepted' when we were babies, but it now way more common to feed on demand. Plus the thought that you can 'spoil' a newborn by holding them to often is crap. It sounds like a case of generation gap! You're doing great and meeting your baby's needs in the way currently most recommended! Keep up the good work!

CruiseGirl28 · April 2014

I'm doing everything you are!! Too soon for a schedule, but that would be nice. My mom and MIL have been very helpful with advice, but they both recommend I wake her during the day to feed her, and I don't agree. Right now, DH and I have decided to feed on demand. She gets enough, and she's growing. And we're all happy. So that's all that matters.

As for being held, just a few weeks ago, they were being "held" 24/7 in the womb. As long as you hold them less than that, they'll eventually get used to it.

I wish I could help you with advice on getting him to fall asleep. It is very random around here. FTM, but it seems like even toddlers can't just be put to bed. There needs to be a ritual. Book reading, etc. to help them fall asleep. So rocking a newborn to sleep is the ritual now.

theluckiest9 · April 2014

What works for you and your baby IS the right thing. You're doing great!

rockopera · April 2014

I agree with everyone else.

I held Matthew almost constantly for the first 2.5-3 weeks. Now he's doing a little better spending time in the bassinet or boppy or RNP. I knew I wasn't "ruining him". It was what he needed and what I wanted. They are only this small once.

If it all works for you, keep doing it. He will not go to college needing to be held to sleep. He will sleep through the night at some point. Go with your guy. You're the mother now, your instincts are the only ones that matter.

Tell her to STFU or just smile and nod knowing she is BSC.

Brissett · April 2014

There is this quote I really like and I try to apply to my life -- No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.~~ Eleanor Roosevelt. You know your baby best and you should trust that you are doing a great job!

SomersIsles · April 2014

Thanks guys

definitely appreciate the support. Currently holding LO in my arms as he sleeps peacefully. I could stare at him all day

nblondheim · April 2014

1. The twins are over 3 months old and we're still not on a eat everyday at 9 am schedule! They eat every 2-3 hours during the day and every 4+ hours at night.
2. I also hold my los and they love their pacifiers!
3. One twin will usually be okay if I lay her in the crib but the other needs some loving and rocking first.

If you're doing it wrong....so am I!

pepperedmoth · April 2014

What every PP said. You are awesome; ignore your mom.

hisbeautyalways · April 2014

You're doing things exactly how I'm doing things. Which clearly means you're doing things right.

Andplusalso, that's exactly what I did with my 2 year old when he was little. And he's pretty awesome.

Keep on keepin' on.

jwls84 · April 2014

Ok your baby is way too young to be on a schedule! Your mom is crazy and if it makes you feel better I fed on demand and nursed him to sleep with my first baby until almost a year... He is not spoiled and he can put himself to sleep just fine, in fact he does it every night!
Does he have bad habits? For sure, but who the hell doesn't!

Your doing great mama! Ignore all those people, it's none if their business,

lindsey1031 · April 2014

What all the PPs said! Sounds like you are doing a fantastic job to me! Follow your instincts, not your mother's outdated advice. You are an awesome mama! Enjoy your baby!

Kewii · April 2014

I agree with your mom.

Just kidding.

She's BSC. Pretty sure you're doing what the rest of us are doing/did. AKA the right thing. Don't worry so much. Follow your instincts

ntdane · April 2014

Agree with everyone else. You have to follow your instincts and do what works for you. It sounds like you are giving your child lots of love so you're doing a great job!

karacakes98 · April 2014

YOU are doing what's best for YOUR baby. 'Nuff said!

SassyFlats · April 2014

When was the last time your mom had a two-week-old???

I think she's confusing newborns and toddlers.

jennbaylor12 · April 2014

Ditto all the above!! You're rockin' this mom thing - keep it up!!!

nlane0723 · April 2014

Everything pp's said. You're doing great! Follow your motherly instincts, which is exactly what our mothers did with us.

coreyeliz · April 2014

Your mom's "advice " is outdated and old fashioned. I agree with everyone else that it's also none of her business. But rest assured, you are not building bad habits. All the scientific research says that babies this little don't have the neurological pathways to self-soothe. They need us to do it for them by holding them, rocking them, giving a pacifier, etc. IMO you are doing everything right. Which I find AMAZING considering everything you're going through. Keep following your instincts and let other people know you don't want their opinions unless you ask for them.

Khope87 · April 2014

Yep! I want to agree with previous posts and show support! I have a very judgemental family also. I've had to be so strong and ignore advice I don't agree with. I've tried to get my mum involved where I can with LO, but I find I'm inviting her less and less to save myself the stress. If you feel it's easier to avoid or limit the time you spend with your mum for now then it's worth considering doing that for now

erinsullivan427 · April 2014

You are building trust right now. It's a scary world for them for the first couple of months and they need to know they can depend on us. I do everything you're doing and my baby is 5 weeks old!

kls33145 · April 2014

No, no, NO!!!

You're doing an excellent job, mama!!!

Newborns NEED all the things you said you are doing! Routine and structure are fantastic - when it's time! These little princes and princesses are in charge now. They're growing and needing an abundance of love and food/nutrients!

Your mom needs to back off. I know she thinks she means well and is looking out for your baby but it's not okay that she's making you doubt yourself.

Keep doing what your doing

akflutterby · April 2014

I mostly agree with everyone else. You're doing everything right and kicking ass at the mom thing (my LO is almost the same age and we pretty much never put her down). I still let my parents give me shit about my parenting though - even when it comes to my 16yo - regardless of how crazy and ridiculous I think they are, and I don't tell them they're crazy or avoid them, I simply tell them that I don't agree and that they already had their opportunity to raise their kids and now it's my turn. Handle everything however it works best for you and always be confident in yourself!

flcl · April 2014

kaking78 said:
You're doing great! If I remember right, your baby is only a few days older than mine. I'm a FTM, but everything I've read or heard says that for the first month they aren't going to have much of a pattern yet. What newborns need is to feel secure that their needs will be met and that is exactly what you are doing. I think your mom means well, but she's giving you outdated advice.

This!! I posted something similar not too long ago. My parents and ILs are the same way, it tough not to second guess what we're doing but we're the mamas! Like pp said, you're doing great and keep it up! Outdated advice is just that... GL!

fish8412 · April 2014

I agree with previous posts. You are doing a great job!! It is your child and mommy knows best how to take care of him/her. I would let your mom know that you only want praise and positive comments from her. If she can't do that, then I would hold off on seeing her. Bring a first time mom is exhausting and you don't need anyone creating additional and unnecessary stress. Good luck!

Stephrm1231 · April 2014

https://www.naturalchild.org/guest/jane_mcconnell.html

desertmouse39 · April 2014

Just agreeing with all that has been said. You can't spoil a newborn, they are bonding with us, learning trust and that we will provide for their needs, love and comfort. It is best to feed on demand, within the window that you are doing (waking the up if it's coming up on 4 hours) and as for the paci - newer studies have shown that pacifiers may reduce the risk of SIDS. The sucking reflex is also a natural soother for baby, so I think it's great and you wouldn't need to worry about weening baby from that for a while.

Criticism or suggestion from our own mothers is the hardest to hear, in my opinion, and if it doesn't make sense, you just have to let it go. Usually if I tell my mother, "well this is what the pediatrician said to do," it helps. God forbid it's my own intuition or experience from my first baby, lol.

kmeyers0611 · April 2014

Agreed! Your mom, while I am sure she means well, is giving you outdated advice... I am reading the happiest baby on the block and the author agrees that you can't spoil a newborn by holding them too much and that we should follow their cues because they don't even realize they are communicating with us by crying until they are much older. I am doing exactly what you are, and I think I am doing great so keep up the good work!

Yenemous · April 2014

If you don't know what you're doing then neither do I. I could have written this. My son is almost 8 weeks old and what you describe is my day verbatim. I don't understand how people think babies this young can be scheduled and spoiled. Craziness. Sounds like your doing just fine to me!