April 2014 Moms
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Newborn & Marriage

I posted the other day on "I am sad"... and I am still sad. Longer story in there, but in a nutshell DH & I just moved to the middle of nowhere & I feel lonely. Our LO is 15days old, my parents were here for 2 weeks and left 3 days ago. I am very tight with my fam and it was a hard good bye (we live about 1200miles away). The afternoon I had to say goodbye DH came home from work early to be with me because he knew I would be sad, he also brought me tulips. Yesterday, he went back to work and it was my first day at home with my baby after having TONS of help from my mom. It was a stressful day, not to mention a very busy time for me with work (I own my own small business so no maternity leave for me). 

Yesterday, when DH came home, he asked how I was feeling and the tears just started rolling. He listened to me and basically nicely that I needed to accept that our life will most likely never allow us to live very close to my parents and we need to do what's best for our family. He is the main supporter in our family and with his job we move around alot. We happen to be living in the sticks and it's a depressing area- we have always lived in cities so I am used to having things at my fingertips.

Today, DH came home with a headache. He was trying to cook dinner & was complaining he had a long day, had a bad headache & was tired (I really get annoyed when he says he is tired because I am the one who gets up every 2 hours with LO while he sleeps, then gets to go to the gym then work). Anyway, he was getting snippy and I started crying again. He seemed to hit his point with me and told me to get over it, that we live where we live for now and we only have 6 more months here and I need to stop crying every day and get myself together..... Of course, this mad me cry even more. I would rather just cry to myself then try to talk with him anymore. He was patient with me for about 48 hours and that was it. 

I love my daughter so much and it breaks my heart that I am crying most of the day. I know she doesn't understand, but I feel so guilty for being sad about so many things but she makes me so happy. And I feel so guilty that I have been so busy working at home all day that I have to leave her in her sleeper next to me.. I want to do things with her (well, whatever a 2 week old can do). I just have so many emotions going through me and I can't stop crying. And now it's upsetting me that my DH & I seem on different pages & I feel like he doesn't even want to be around me because I am always sad and crying.
Lilypie - Eu0n
BFP: 12/3/15     EDD: 8/11/16     IT'S A BOY!!!
MAXIMUS POWERS   8♥5♥16
 
Lilypie - pXE7
BFP: 8/5/13      EDD: 4/13/14     IT'S A GIRL!!!      
AYLA BLAIR   3♥27♥14

Re: Newborn & Marriage

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    Thanks... and yes, I am sure my hormones are insane and all over the place and it upsets me even more that he doesn't have the patience anymore. I sit in the shower & cry so he can't hear me. I wish I could just snap my fingers and make it all go away... I feel like I have no control over my emotions and tears. I can't wait to get to that light at the end of the tunnel.
    Lilypie - Eu0n
    BFP: 12/3/15     EDD: 8/11/16     IT'S A BOY!!!
    MAXIMUS POWERS   8♥5♥16
     
    Lilypie - pXE7
    BFP: 8/5/13      EDD: 4/13/14     IT'S A GIRL!!!      
    AYLA BLAIR   3♥27♥14

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    Do you have anyone else you could talk to? It's normal to have some sadness, but don't want anything to escalate into full blown PPD. I would get in touch with your doctor, and/or maybe someone else like a counselor that you can bounce your thoughts and feelings off. I had terrible PPD, or so I thought, but was actually diagnosed with something different after DD1 was born. The counselor I see is super helpful, she understands things that DH just can't. You're not alone! Big hugs to you!

    Lilypie First Birthday tickers 
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    Yeah don't get me wrong, he's acting like a jerk. Presumably he just doesn't get it.
    Mama to a little girl born July 2011 and a little boy born April 2014! Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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    Thanks all.. I've tried looking for local groups but there seems to be nothing. I am sure when things calm down DH & I will talk more calmly about it... He went to bed already and told me to go to bed too. But, I have to feed LO so it's not worth going to bed for 1 hour. He told me to wake him if I want him to do a feeding. But, I am stubborn and just said "Forget about it, I will do it". 

    I told him tonight I appreciate his sensitivity to me to which he responded "I appreciate your sarcasm". I don't know, today is one of those days we are bouncing off each other. What happened to the guy 48 hours ago that brought me flowers and a beautiful card with it?? Maybe he had a bad day. I don't know.

    On the other hand, yes, I have a skype account setup already and we have been doing that. My brother and sis in law are coming a week from today for a long weekend so I am looking forward to that. They are the godparents too and this is the first time they will met her! They currently live in Chicago which is about a 6 hour drive from our current place. And they and my parents will all be back again Memorial weekend for LO's baptism. My parents have planned to see us about once a month, so I am just trying to look forward to each visit. And in July, I will be going with LO to my parents place (on the beach in FL yippie!) for 2 weeks in July while DH is on a 2 week work trip. I just need to keep thinking of the times we will all be together. My mom said she is having separation anxiety right now too from us. This is my parents first grandbaby and they have been waiting for her for a long time!! So, it's been hard on both ends.
    Lilypie - Eu0n
    BFP: 12/3/15     EDD: 8/11/16     IT'S A BOY!!!
    MAXIMUS POWERS   8♥5♥16
     
    Lilypie - pXE7
    BFP: 8/5/13      EDD: 4/13/14     IT'S A GIRL!!!      
    AYLA BLAIR   3♥27♥14

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    LaNorteLaNorte member
    edited April 2014
    I kind of understand how your husband feels, a little bit. For us, It was my job that brought my husband & I out to the middle of nowhere, and even though I understand it's hard for him, I can't help but feel frustrated when he complains or is unhappy. It makes me feel guilty, like it's my fault that he doesn't like it here. It also makes me feel angry, like he has no right to complain because I'm the one supporting us (not all on my own, he works too). I'm not saying your husband is blameless, I'm just saying that I get it. You are exhausted and stressed, so is he, this is a huge life change for both of you!
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker}
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    I am sorry you are going through this. I would try to focus on the upcoming visits you have, find some reasons to get out during the day, even if it is just for a walk in the fresh air, and find some little things that help keep you happy or calm like music. Your LO is so small so if she has to hang out in a sleeper while you are working she will be fine. Just try not to put too much on yourself during this difficult adjustment period.

    Your DH may have had a bad headache - I am sure he is a little sleep deprived/stressed too. It is easy to fall into the "I do more around here" mentality - it sounds like he is trying to be understanding but is also stressed and there is nothing that is going to change he situation right now so maybe he is feeling a bit helpless. Anyway, I am not saying he is being perfect, but it sounds like he is (was) trying.

    I do think you should talk to your OB and/or a counselor. PP hormones can really screw you up and sometimes you really just need some extra help getting through this period. Especially if you are feeling isolated - having a newborn will not help that at all!

     

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    Not to minimize what you're going through and how DH reacted, but it really sounds to me like PPD. Crying all day, feeling very overwhelmed etc. I say this as someone who also suffers from it and is on meds. Meds can really help get you out of the funk and think clearly. Maybe see a psychiatrist or talk to the OB about getting on Zoloft?
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    Thanks all... definelty plan on talking with my Dr. My next scheduled OB appointment is not until 5/8. Debating if I should bump it up or not.
    Lilypie - Eu0n
    BFP: 12/3/15     EDD: 8/11/16     IT'S A BOY!!!
    MAXIMUS POWERS   8♥5♥16
     
    Lilypie - pXE7
    BFP: 8/5/13      EDD: 4/13/14     IT'S A GIRL!!!      
    AYLA BLAIR   3♥27♥14

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    Bump it! No reason to continue feeling like this. Get help now. It sounds like your husband is a little lost too. He may not know where he fits in with you and the baby since the baby is taking up so much of your time. You said maybe he was having a bad day but you didn't know. Just talk to him and see what's going on. Take some time and come at from a fresh place so there's no negativity. Good luck!
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    I'm so sorry :( I couldn't even imagine the difficulty of all the transitions you're going through at once... new town, new home, and now new baby with all of the new life shocks that a newborn brings.  I agree with PP.  Hormones are raging right now, but you need to find an outlet where you feel safe to communicate your stresses to as well as having medical back up if it becomes more intense.  I'd bump your appt to Monday to see who your OB might recommend you to, or even just call and talk to the nurses to see if they can get a recommendation for you.  You just need to be able to find the right outlet for your stressors (and a sympathetic ear - the Bump is awesome, but not always as functional as a real person who can give you a hug...)

    I'm familiar with where you live, and have a few contacts there (I do dog rescue, so if nothing else, they're good with animals lol) and I'm sure they might be able to recommend a mommy group or something through a local church, if you'd like me to check.
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    Thanks again all... I should probably call this week and change my appointment.

    To make matters worse, DH is talking about taking his next (and final) rotation even further...to CA. Basically with his job we have three 8 month rotations in different offices and then should be somewhere more permanent. We were just talking in the car about the possibility of CA- and it is in Orange County. He said our budget for rent will be $1500. I've briefly looked on craigslist and that just not seem feasible out there. I said "We are going to have to spend a minimum of $2000 at the least to live there". He said nope, $1500 is our budget... I said we are going to live in a small, old apartment then. He said "If that is what we have to do for 8 months then that is what we have to do". I feel the tears welling up at this point and I was able to hold them back and there was just silence on the way home. This upsets me further because we will strangle each other if we live in a 1 bedroom apartment with us, a baby and 2 dogs. Plus, it will be really difficult for anyone to visit now and I feel like I will be even more distanced from my family. 

    I just feel like I have no say, and it's tough because I am not really working. I work part time from home but would never be able to sustain myself on what I make so it is all his salary. He just received his MBA from a top business school May 2013. He was offered an amazing job with a large company... part of this job's initial 2 year requirement are these three 8 month rotations. We do get to rank them and somewhat choose where we want to go, but it mostly depends on the roles. Like the location we are now sucks, but the role is great for his career. Our first rotation was in Charlotte, NC which I LOVED and was closer to my family in FL. Now, I feel like we are getting further away and going from a 3 bed/2 bath house into a 1 bedroom apartment just does not sound appealing to me at all..... If I knew there was a light at the end of this tunnel I think I would be able to get through it easier. But, I don't know where the heck we will end up and what will happen so the unknown just scares and upsets me now. 
    Lilypie - Eu0n
    BFP: 12/3/15     EDD: 8/11/16     IT'S A BOY!!!
    MAXIMUS POWERS   8♥5♥16
     
    Lilypie - pXE7
    BFP: 8/5/13      EDD: 4/13/14     IT'S A GIRL!!!      
    AYLA BLAIR   3♥27♥14

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    I would really encourage you to try to get him to go to counseling together. It sounds like he could be a lot more sensitive to your needs and feelings than he is. I get what he's saying about just suck it up for 8 months and power through, but still. Also, don't get spun up about something that may never happen :)
    Mama to a little girl born July 2011 and a little boy born April 2014! Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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    I don't know where in the sticks you are but if it's anything like the sticks I'm living in you need to take the baby to Walmart. Getting out of the house feels very overwhelming in the beginning but it gets easier with practice. The change of scenery might help you and I've noticed lots of socialization at the local walmart.

    You might see if your area has a Le Leche Legue. The leader may know of some mom groups, if LLL isn't what you're doing.
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    JoelleOK  Funny, ll we have is Walmart!! Poor baby, that's the only store she has been in so far. 
    Lilypie - Eu0n
    BFP: 12/3/15     EDD: 8/11/16     IT'S A BOY!!!
    MAXIMUS POWERS   8♥5♥16
     
    Lilypie - pXE7
    BFP: 8/5/13      EDD: 4/13/14     IT'S A GIRL!!!      
    AYLA BLAIR   3♥27♥14

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    My small bit of advice is to embrace the sticks. I live in the sticks to, which is my cup of tea, so it's easy for me to say this. Try to embrace the quiet. GOing for walks with LO, sitting outside on a nice day, grilling outside with space. Make the most of it for your short day. And don't beat yourself up about the time with your LO. They really don't need much at this point. Milk and some loving from mommy every now and then. Constantly holding and coddling isn't necessary. LO loves you anyway. :)
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    emh81emh81 member
    I noticed you mentioned having the LO baptized. Your church might have a mommy's group or women's bible study that would be an excellent way to meet other women and moms in your area. If not, sometimes just talking with the pastors, or befriending a church elder might make you feel a bit more connected. 

    Humans are not made for isolation, its a really crappy feeling. Especially if DH is making you feel alone even when he's at home with you and LO... I promise, even if you're the most introverted person on the planet, get to church, weekday mass, sunday service, bible study, or whatever and let them lift you up. People will reach out to you if they know you're there! good luck!!
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