Trying to Get Pregnant

Sensitive question for those who've had M/C

So my sister had a m/c @ 20 weeks in November. Tomorrow is her would have been due date. I thought about sending her flowers to brighten up her day and just say thinking of you today and wanted to let you know you're an awesome sister. Maybe I'll just send her a text and let her know as not to make it a public display. My question is should I do this at all or would it be opening up an old wound? I don't plan on mentioning it just saying thinking about you but I know that she'll know why. So would it be out of place to do the above and agaist etiquette?
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Re: Sensitive question for those who've had M/C

  • edited March 2014
    Gosh, this could really go either way. I can see where she would appreciate the kind gesture, but I can also see where it's possibly not necessary. Perhaps a sweet text message would be well received, but maybe a big to-do with flowers and such is making too much of a big deal? Tough one. I had a loss at 11 weeks, and I would feel grateful but would probably feel it was unnecessary. IDK. To each its own! 
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  • I think sending flowers is a lovely idea.  I had a friend who did that for me a few weeks after our loss, just to let me know she was thinking about me, and it totally made my day.  Even if you skip the flowers, I think just letting her know you're thinking about her is a wonderful thing. 

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  • I had someone send me flowers right after they found out I had a m/c and I thought it was the sweetest thing. It's nice to know that others are thinking about you and that they didn't forget. Though I would have appreciated it too if they had just sent a text. Just my two cents.
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  • barelybarely member
    edited April 2014
    Even though my EDD is a long way away and my situation is quite different, I'll share anyway. Yesterday I got flowers (well, a blue hydrangea plant) from one of H's friends (who is also my friend). I guess he has been trying to get them to me for a while, but we kept telling him it wasn't a good time to see him (didn't know about the plant). I was extremely touched. No one else got me flowers at all, not even H or my mom. It let me know that even though I know he doesn't really understand, he realizes that this is tragic for us and he cares. As for my EDD, I think that I will hope that people remember. My child was and is so Important to me and even though he/she is gone, it makes me feel good when I know that others recognize the significance of our our precious life. I think it will be hard if someone brings it up on that day, but I think I will want that. I won't feel so alone if I know other people are thinking of him/her too (and H and I). I think flowers at home would be nice (maybe even a plant like I got so they can't plant it in memory, that's what we will do and I think it's perfect for the situation). Maybe try to feel your sister out first? Maybe call her tonight to Let her know you're thinking of her and see how she's feeling about this date approaching and go from there. She might need someone to talk to, or she might not want to talk at all, but you'll never know unless you ask.
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  • I agree with the pp, it depends on yor sister. I lost my little girl on January 26th, but she was due June 26th. I know I want to be alone on that day. Not only will it have been my due date, but it's the 5th month anniversary of her death. Yeah, the universe hates me. I'd rather have a hug or text.

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  • barelybarely member
    edited April 2014
    From others I know who have suffered losses, it's the "never existed" thing that bothers them the most. Yes, they lost their child, but they HAD a child that deserved to be recognized as such.
    So much this.
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  • I agree that it depends on your sister and how she is handling things.  I was very depressed on my EDD and really just wanted to be left alone.  I don't know how I would have reacted had someone acknowledged it and done something nice for me and it seemed like everyone but me had forgotten about it.  If your sister seems to be dealing ok then I think flowers, or like a pp said, a plant - maybe a rose bush?  to plant in memory might be nice.  No mom ever forgets the child who never was and you are very sweet to remember this for your sister and want to care for her on a day that is sure to be hard to some degree or another.  {HUGS} to you for just being an awesome sister - no matter what you decide to do



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  • I would have been so touched if someone had thought to send me flowers on my EDD. I think it's a lovely idea.


  • I think sending flowers to her house would be nice. It lets her know you are thinking of her and will make her feel loved.

    DH got me a nice card and wrote a nice note to me after the m/c and it meant a lot. Prayers for your sister on such a rough day.
  • Thank you ladies so much not having been though this I wasn't sure how much gesture would be received and you guys have assured me that something would be appropriate.
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  • I think anything you do to show that you remember and care will be taken well. My EDD came and went and no one but my hubby mentioned it, and that kind of hurt. It probably would have been emotional to receive anything from anyone, text or flowers or what have you, but I would have appreciated so much being in peoples' thoughts no matter what.  I think it's awesome that you're thinking of your sister and I'm sure she'll appreciate whatever you do to help memorialize the day.


         

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  • I had a 20 week loss and those who remembered and took the time to tell me they were thinking of me really brightened my day.

    I think flowers is a really nice idea. I also think that picking up the phone and telling her you're thinking of her is a nice gesture. There are no words, consoling statements or fixes for this type of pain. Knowing that people care is enough.
  • Yes, I completely agree @PinkCamino‌

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  • I've not had a loss but wanted to tell you I think it is so very nice and thoughtful of you to think about her on what will probably be a really difficult day. If it was me, I would feel really touched either way but think that the flowers are a sign that you really went out of your way to think of it and that is something she will probably never forget :)

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  • I think sending flowers is a lovely idea, but agree that at home so there won't be questions would probably be better.  
  • That's so sweet of you. I've never had a loss that far along but I've had 5 and 1 @ 14 weeks, 10 1/2 weeks. 8 1/2 weeks and 2 cp. Not once has anyone acknowledged my due dates. I think about them and I'd love to have someone acknowledge it. I think flowers are awesome but definitely send them to her house.
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  • I think flowers sent to her house would be a very nice gesture. Personally I don't think I would want a phone call, but that's just me, I wouldn't want to be put on the spot to talk about it. A text would be appreciated though.


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  • I think you even remembering is incredibly sweet. One good friend brought me flowers the day after I miscarried and I was so so touched. It's nice to know that people care.

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  • Trying to get back to the first post to verify - today was her EDD, right? How did she respond? Just curious since I chimed in with my thoughts and didn't want to steer you the wrong way.



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  • So glad to hear that! You really are awesome for thinking of her. I can't express enough how remarkable that really is.



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  • RseedRseed member
    Personally, for me - it's hard when people bring up my MC unless it's my husband or my best friend. However, I know that my husband and I will always, always think about our "angel baby"... And never want to forget or think he/she has been completely forgotten about. So I do think sending flowers - or even just a nice message - is a wonderfully kind gesture. It helps show that her unborn child is remembered by someone else too. Everyone is different, and yes it might bring back painful emotions (or it might not so much as we'd think), but either way, the fact remains that you are doing it out of love and kindness, and she will see that regardless of how she reacts to the acknowledgment of the MC. I think it's very sweet of you to do so, and very sweet that you remembered.
  • I think it's a great idea. I had many people send me flowers for this most recent loss of mine and it meant so much to me. I don't think you will be opening an old wound by sending the flowers because lets face it, she will certainly be thinking about it on her EDD so it's not like you would be reminding her. I know it's so sad for me that the world sort of "forgets" about my losses and life has to go on of course, but to know someone remembered my EDD would actually be so touching to me. You are very sweet to even think about this for her!

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  • Rseed said:
    Personally, for me - it's hard when people bring up my MC unless it's my husband or my best friend. However, I know that my husband and I will always, always think about our "angel baby"... And never want to forget or think he/she has been completely forgotten about. So I do think sending flowers - or even just a nice message - is a wonderfully kind gesture. It helps show that her unborn child is remembered by someone else too. Everyone is different, and yes it might bring back painful emotions (or it might not so much as we'd think), but either way, the fact remains that you are doing it out of love and kindness, and she will see that regardless of how she reacts to the acknowledgment of the MC. I think it's very sweet of you to do so, and very sweet that you remembered.
    I have to say that this really rubs me the wrong way. I did give birth - my babies just didn't survive. It's not an unborn child it's a non-living child.
  • @Rseed I say I have to agree with @PinkCamino. I am sorry for your mc but given your statement I believe it was an early term. My sister was a 20 weeks and at that point you have to give birth just as you would a full term child. She was on pitocin for two days and gave birth to a son. So no her child was not unborn.
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  • i would really suggest you to not do anything because it will definitely bring back alot of unwanted emotions, rather if you live close by you can just hangout so she need not be all by herself which again brings back those memories, i am 5 months past my 3rd miscarriage i still have emotions rushing when i was due with my first.
    Yeah, no.

    An EDD is a shit day no matter what. It really does help when people acknowledge your loss.
  • i would really suggest you to not do anything because it will definitely bring back alot of unwanted emotions, rather if you live close by you can just hangout so she need not be all by herself which again brings back those memories, i am 5 months past my 3rd miscarriage i still have emotions rushing when i was due with my first.
    Yeah, no.

    An EDD is a shit day no matter what. It really does help when people acknowledge your loss.
    I disagree, @PinkCamino. I think it helps SOME, or even most people to have it acknowledged. It would NOT have helped my mom. She doesn't like bringing up the boys she lost. She remembers them, and our family does, but it's really hard on her when people talk about them.

    I think it depends on the person, really is what I'm saying. It is a shit day, no matter what, but some people just want to be left alone. My mom was like that, and thankfully, my family respected it.
    That's fair. We all deal with our losses differently. But, for me, it meant the world to me that my girls weren't forgotten. It didn't need to be an elaborate showing. A text, email or card was just fine. But there is something to be said about someone taking the time to acknowledge what we've lost kwim?

    Having said that. I'm not implying that acknowledging a loss milestone involves "Talking". IMO it involves a simple acknowledgment. No more no less. I for one don't like talking about my girls at just any time. If it comes up in conversation I'm pretty clear when I feel like it's making me uncomfortable. But, for the majority of loss moms I know - a small token to remember our lost angels is very important.
  • I think sending her flowers or a message would be sweet. She will know she is not alone and that someone else is also remembering her angel baby.

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  • I am still healing from my second loss and would love a sweet gesture like that (although my would be EDD is a long way away so I dont know what I will feel by then). I tend to deal with things internally and not really share how I am feeling. Consequently, I realize it means that I sometimes struggle alone as my friends don't really realize I'm still hurting. Unless she really doesn't like to talk about her loss at all, I think letting her know you're thinking about her is an awesome gesture.  
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