We were looking for homes last year and there was very little in the school district we wanted. We bought a house after hardly seeing it b/c it was in a nice neighborhood and the right school district, and had enough bedrooms and garage space, and it was a huge deal. We moved in at the end of July and have ended up doing massive renovations and an addition, and it's been kind of a long year, for sure. It wasn't my "ideal" home, but it fit all our basic criteria and it really is a super nice house. It's in a very nice neighborhood, with a large lot with woods in back, five bedrooms (including a guest room in the basement with a full bath, which we thought would be great for my parents!), built in 2007, etc. It is on the corner, which wasn't our first choice, but there is plenty of space before the street and it's blocked off with trees and isn't super busy. It DOES have a sort of odd floor plan and was decorated to be very dark--we've been making it lighter and remedying this with our addition and some new windows.
Well, my mom hasn't liked it the whole time. When she first saw the house last spring, she almost cried and asked if we could get out of it. She has continued to be incredibly negative. She frequently talks about "how much stress this is on us," and "why in the world didn't we just buy a house that was ready to go?" and complains about the house. Some of our new neighbors/friends are now selling their house on the cul de sac, and yes, if it had been on the market when we were looking we would have been super interested. It would have been the ONLY house so far that we would have been interested in, as there was little on the market this whole time fitting our criteria. I love their house--it's really beautiful and more my style, and on the cul de sac. BUT, ours is really super nice too and I am feeling good about all the things we've done. So now, my mom just called and said "that's the kind of house you should have bought. I still don't understand why you got into this. I really like their house much better than yours and you wouldn't have had all this work."
I am so upset about this. I just don't understand why she can't LET IT GO and understand that we made the best decision we could at the time, we're adults, and that her constant negativity about our house is very hurtful. This whole process would have been easier and more pleasant if she could ever be supportive and positive (even if that means swallowing her own opinions) instead of constantly questioning and judging. I've tried to talk to her about this to no avail, so I guess I am just venting.
Ugh. I would freak out if my mom talked to me like that. I've lived in places she didn't like before, and she's complained about my neighborhood before, (which is a nice, well kept working class neighborhood.) I just cut her off every time and changed the subject. It took her a few times, bit she got the hint.
House stuff is hard. I got a lot of weird comments from people that rubbed me the wrong way. Why did you move to this neighborhood? Why didn't you buy closer in? When are you going to re-do the flooring in the bathroom? It always comes from people who aren't actively looking at the market, too.
What can you do? Keeping your opinions to yourself is a skill most people haven't developed.
That's irritating. I feel like it is always hardest when our parents are the ones questioning our judgment. Honestly, I would tell her "we are happy that we get to make this house our own" (or whatever reason you want to give for why you like the house) and then if she continues to bring it up, say something like "I am not interested in discussing this further." Rinse and repeat.
It's YOUR house that YOU paid for so your mom shouldn't have any say about it. We just moved after living in our last house for six years. After we moved my dad told me that he never lived our house. I couldn't believe that and asked him why he never told me that in the six years we lived there. He said it was our house and it wasn't his place to say whether he liked it or not.
Unless your mom buys a new house for you, she should stop making rude comments about the one you are living in.
That does sound frustrating....I mean, what is she trying to accomplish w/ all the negative comments? It's not like you guys are gonna sell your new house and buy the neighbors' place.
If talking to her about it hasn't worked, I would try to just let it go. Trying to diffuse anything she says w/ humor might also be helpful....at least to help keep your own spirits up.
Sorry you are going through this. It is nearly my exact same situation. We were trying to purchase a house when there was nothing on the market. We saw a ton of real duds. When our house popped up, we had to jump on it. We made a split decision which is totally out of character for me, but my friends were putting in bids on 10-15 houses and still getting beat out.
Yes, there are many things I do not like about it. We live next to an empty lot and across from the empty lot is a storage facility. It isn't ideal and I recognize something can be built on the lot. I will be very sad when/if that happens, but right now we have a ton of nearly private land which satisfied my DH's need for space. He didn't want to live in a subdivision, I did not want to live in the country. We live across from wetlands, and we have a major deer problem. It is an older neighborhood and no kids in the sub. I am hoping people start moving out as the market goes up and younger people move in. As for the inside, the kitchen could be updated and the previous owners did some strange things. They cut several corners that we discover as we go. Those will be remedied when I eventually go back to work. I won't even begin to discuss my mom's issues with our decorating.
Some things that have worked for me...If I have a question about decorating, I will tell her my question is specifically and only about one thing. We found a very cheap interior designer with nothing vested in us to come give us her opinions. Even though many of her opinions were the same as my mom's, there is less of an emotional gut reaction. Finally, I stopped inviting her over. When she watches the kids, I take them to her house. I will not leave her in my house alone to take inventory of everything she does not approve of. I also don't complain about the things she has repeatedly pointed out. I will not hear "I told you so" one more time.
I'm sorry, that sounds extremely hurtful. I agree with what others said, and honestly I would just not allow it to be a conversation anymore. Don't even respond to a single comment she may make about the house. Another phone call like that? Hang up. In person, walk away. Don't entertain her comments at all because you're never going to reason with her.
DS (7 years old) from FET in 2010 DD (5 years old) from IUI in 2012 TTC 3rd and final!: IUI #1 in progress!
My mom is like this too, constantly questioning my decisions and judging my actions under the guise of concern about how easy/hard things will be for me. Even things that are already done and settled like in your situation. Reason and logic don't work because she's convinced she's just looking out for me. Lately I've been limiting contact when she does it too much just for my own sanity because I start questioning myself after awhile. I've also tried to visualize her comments bouncing off me. It sometimes works.
Sorry you're going through this. I think the best us kids of neurotic mothers can do is try not to repeat the same pattern. That's what I'm going for.
Thanks, all, I feel better just from your responses! I am taking a deep breath and trying again to not let it bother me. It's hard b/c deep down, I do want her to like the house and be happy for us but that is just NOT happening. Maybe I will try again to talk to her next time this comes up.
Re: Mom Vent: this is out of line, right?
House stuff is hard. I got a lot of weird comments from people that rubbed me the wrong way. Why did you move to this neighborhood? Why didn't you buy closer in? When are you going to re-do the flooring in the bathroom? It always comes from people who aren't actively looking at the market, too.
What can you do? Keeping your opinions to yourself is a skill most people haven't developed.
If talking to her about it hasn't worked, I would try to just let it go. Trying to diffuse anything she says w/ humor might also be helpful....at least to help keep your own spirits up.
DD (5 years old) from IUI in 2012
TTC 3rd and final!: IUI #1 in progress!