STM's please come in! — The Bump
Pregnant after a Loss

STM's please come in!

What are your plans for birth/being in the hospital?  With DS, obviously DH stayed with us from the time DS was born until the time we were discharged, other than to go run and get me Jimmy John's (my first request non-pregnant) and to install the car seat (whoops--DS was earlier than anticipated).  This time, I am on the fence but had been leaning toward him staying with me the first night and then a good part of the next day, then going home for the night to be with DS and bringing DS back to the hospital in time for discharge (I recognize this might be a stupid idea so it may change).  Well the plan all along had been that whenever DH was with me, my parents would be with DS.  Well my parents have been a hot mess lately with a whole host of health issues and I'm not feeling confident that even one of them will be able to stay with DS...and then if they are, I'm not sure I'm confident that they'll be able to drive DS down to the hospital to meet his sister and spend some time with us (we live about an hour from the hospital I'm delivering at--I KNOW, WHAT A HORRIBLE IDEA, but I love my OB and it's one of the best hospitals in the country). 

So now I am toying with the idea of DH really not staying with me very much at sending him home so he can be with DS at night, coming back in the morning probably with DS and my mom (driving separately), then sending DS back with my mom after an hour or so, DH staying with me for a few more hours, then sending DH home.  Then DH coming back (with or without DS, not sure yet) to get me for discharge.  Does this sound like the worst idea ever?  I definitely remember DH helping me a lot while I was dragging my lady bits on the floor after delivery, but at the same time, I'm at a hospital with a ton of nurses, if I really need help someone will help me.  Also it's really REALLY important to me to have someone capable with DS, and lately that is not my parents, and we really do not have a lot of other options.  I also don't want to take away DH's time with his new baby, but again, I'm not willing to leave DS with people that health wise I'm not sure can take care of him 100% just so DH be at the hospital with us.  It seems to me like DH being at the hospital is more of a luxury, whereas a capable caregiver for DS is a necessity.  What do you ladies think?  WWYD?  What are you doing for #2?

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BFP #1 6/28/11 ~ EDD 3/7/12 ~ m/c 7/15/11 at 6w2d
BFP #2 8/29/11 ~ EDD 5/12/12. 4/25/12: Our take home baby is here!
 BFP #3 8/27/13 ~ EDD 5/11/14.  4/27/14:  Our second take home baby is here!

Re: STM's please come in!

  • This is a tough one - and I can see where you are coming from on all fronts. I don't think your tentative plan sounds like a bad one, but it's just so hard to know! I know plenty of people whose DH did not stay with them the whole time, especially with the second (or more) baby, and instead stayed with the older kid(s), so I do think it is possible.

    For us, we are very fortunate in that both our sets of parents are nearby and willing/able to take care of DS, as well as some other family (aunts/uncles) as a backup. So really, our plan is that DH is going to stay in the hospital with me the whole time and then DS will be with DH's parents more than likely (maybe mine at first, but then switching to DH's parents). I do think it's possible that I might be in the hospital and be fine and tell DH to go and spend time with DS instead - I can honestly see that happening.

    I'm sorry you are in a tough spot and that your parents are suffering health-wise right now, I really hate that for you and for them. But I don't think your plan is crazy or unmanageable.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    BFP # 1 - 12/19/09 EDD 08/27/10 - D&C 1/26/10 @ 9w5d

    BFP # 2 - 06/05/10 EDD 02/17/11, DS1 born on 2/14/11

    BFP # 3 - 04/10/13 EDD 12/21/13 - D&C 05/15/13 @ 8w4d

    BFP # 4 - 07/27/13 EDD 04/08/14 - CP 07/29/13


    BFP # 5 - 09/14/13 EDD 05/28/14, DS2 born on 5/22/14 

  • My parents and ILs will be available if all goes as planned, but DH would still come sleep at home assuming I don't labor overnight. We want for DD's schedule to be as normal as possible, plus DH is a horrid sleeper/snores so I'd rather he leave & be rested for when I come home.

    Current plan is for DH to be with me at the hospital from check in through delivery and a little bit to bond. Then he'll go pick dd up either from preschool or grandparents, and everybody will meet baby. DD will go back to our house with grandparents, DH will stay for a bit, then be home to put her to bed. Possibly come back to the hospital leaving grandparents in charge, but he'll sleep at home. Day 2 in the morning he'll take her to school (conveniently a big filed trip day), and come be with me. If I get discharged that day, ILs will pick dd up & bring her home, we'll meet her here.
    *Married 10.10.08*
    TTC #1 9.09 - BFP#1:2.18.10= missed m/c, D&C 4.16
    BFP#2:10.22.10=Avelin born 7.2.11
    TTC#2: 2.13 - BFP#3: 7.25.13=Kelsey born 3.31.14
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  • Hmm, this is all good to know!  It sounds like I'm not being totally nuts by wanting DH to be home with DS.  Initially I had thought of having DH try to be home with DS at night time to keep DS's routine as normal as possible, and then I thought I needed to "cut the cord" so to speak and let someone else be with DS overnight for once (I have never been away from him overnight, and DH has a couple of times but I was always home instead so it didn't matter).  So then I figured I would have DH with me most of the time and my parents with DS.  But now I realize that with my parents having their limitations (don't worry, it's not like terminal illnesses or anything, just a lot of things that are physically inhibiting them from doing things like lifting, driving, etc.) maybe I really don't want DH with me too much at all.

    I wish we had a better alternate option.  DH's parents are out of state and also I hate them so even though I know they would come up, they will be alone with my child under no circumstances.  (I know it sounds awful but it's true).  Then my sister is completely unreliable and very self-centered...she's the type who I would be in labor and be like OK we need you to watch DS now through two days from now and she'd be like, well, I have dinner plans with friends tonight, so can you find someone to watch him for me tonight?  And then our friends who I trust with DS also have very young children at home and I would not impose on them another child for 2 days.  So it's basically either my parents or DH.  The more I think about it the more inclined I am to send DH home for the evening and then just have him and DS pop by the next day and come get me on discharge day and call it a day. 

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers 
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    BFP #1 6/28/11 ~ EDD 3/7/12 ~ m/c 7/15/11 at 6w2d
    BFP #2 8/29/11 ~ EDD 5/12/12. 4/25/12: Our take home baby is here!
     BFP #3 8/27/13 ~ EDD 5/11/14.  4/27/14:  Our second take home baby is here!

  • I'm sorry you're having to deal with that. I have a feeling if we were near my ILs instead of my parents it'd be a similar situation. I would probably only feel okay leaving him long enough for me to deliver because they're also not in great health and it's been a long time since they've had to care for small children. I think if you are uncomfortable with your son being with your parents the whole time then it would be best to have your DH go home for some relief for them. It will suck not having him there but like you said, there will be lots of nurses around to help and I know at our hospital they will still take the baby to the nursery at night if you need rest.

    As of now, my parents will come down to stay with DS. DH will stay throughout labor but he may come home in the evenings for dinner/bedtime. I'm a little nervous because he travels a lot so while he'll schedule vacation time around my due date, if I go a lot earlier than planned he could miss it and I'll either have to labor by myself or have my mom there and my poor dad will have to handle DS on his own. They'll survive but I know my dad prefers to have my mom and just be her reinforcement, lol.
  • It definitely sounds like the norm is to have DH stay with LO1 at nights, or at least, it sounds like it's not a super rare thing.  I am feeling more comfortable with the idea, although DH is very worried about leaving me alone.  I told him better for me to be alone and DS to be with someone capable than for me to be with him and us to be worrying whether DS is in good hands.
    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers 
    Lilypie First Birthday tickers 

    BFP #1 6/28/11 ~ EDD 3/7/12 ~ m/c 7/15/11 at 6w2d
    BFP #2 8/29/11 ~ EDD 5/12/12. 4/25/12: Our take home baby is here!
     BFP #3 8/27/13 ~ EDD 5/11/14.  4/27/14:  Our second take home baby is here!

    [Deleted User]
  • For us it will depend on the timing of everything. SIL is the only family we have local. Both sets of grandparents are about an hour away. Plan is for SIL to come if we have to go in the middle of the night, then DD could possibly go to DC during the week or ILs would come. Overnights I'm torn about. The second night after DD was the toughest resulting in a late night phone call meltdown, so it was nice having DH come back to the hospital (I had sent him home).

    little chkn born 06/30/11

     baby chkn born 04/22/14

    05/13 image 07/13

  • My H won't stay with me the whole time. The current plan is that Lu will go with her grandparents while I give birth which will likely include one overnight. Then they will bring her to the hospital, and if I have to stay another overnight H will bring her home and stay with her. She loves her grandparents, but has only ever spent 1 night away from us and I want to make this as easy as possible on her.
    BabyFruit Ticker

    BFP 3.8.16  EDD 11.20.16


  • Sounds like your situation is tough!  I'm sorry you have to deal with it and figure it all out!  

    I do think your plan sounds good for now though.  Like you said, you will have a lot of nurses there to help you if needed.  Besides, that's what they're paid the big bucks to do, right?  

    With DD, DH went and slept at home because they only had a small, terribly uncomfortable chair in my room.  I figured that DH was going to need a good night's sleep to help me with DD when I got home so I was fine for him to be home, and not with me at night.  That being said we are only about 20 minutes from the hospital.  

    Just thinking quickly after reading your post (because I'm still super early) I'll probably ask some of our friends in town to watch DD when I go into labor.  Both my parents and my ILs are about 45 minutes away so it won't work to have them watch her.  

    I hope everything works out for you and doesn't cause you too much stress!! 
    BFP #1 October 2008 | m/c Thanksgiving weekend | November 2008 | 7 weeks 2 days
    BFP #2 February 2009 | m/c March 2009 | 4 weeks 3 days
    Testing on mom and dad for possible reasons all came back normal.
    BFP #3 8/4/2009 | DD born 3/28/10 @ 38 weeks
    BFP #4 5/13/11 | m/c 6/15/11 | 8 weeks 6 days
    BFP #5 2/13/13 | CP 2/19/13 | 4 weeks 
    BFP #6 3/21/14 | Heard the HB on 4/16 | m/c 4/21/14 | 9 weeks
    Testing results all returned normal and baby was a GIRL.
    More testing on mom and dad for other issues all returned normal results.
    BFP #7 10/15 | DS born 6/4/16 @ 36 weeks 
    BFP #8 9/28/17 AHHH!!!  |  EDD 6/6/18

    "Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my babies on my lap & tell them about you, but since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold them on your lap & tell them about me?"
    All are welcome!

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