Baby Showers

NBSR: "No gifts please"

DD is 5 and is now invited to many birthday parties. 75% of them say "no gifts please" on the invite I HATE this. why? 1st time I didn't bring a gift, we were the only ones who didn't. I felt like a schmuck. next time this was on an invite I brought a small gift. Many people brought big gifts. So i just started ignoring it too. Now a good friend of DD is having a party. invite says "no gifts please". I plan to ignore it. I didn't state any gifts things on my DD invites. this friend spent around $50 on a gift for my DD. so now i am going to ignore the no gifts on her invite and spent what i usually spent ($20). The whole thing makes me feel uncomfortable. 
   




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Re: NBSR: "No gifts please"

  • VORVOR member
    Why did you feel like a schmuck, though?  The parents of the kid were probably HAPPY that at least YOU listened to them.  And I can guarantee you that the other parents weren't taking tally. 

    This is one topic that I never understand why our etiquette based 'need' to give a gift trumps showing respect for someone's wishes! 


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  • I would be so annoyed if I asked people not to bring gifts and they did anyway. My kids have so much crap already.
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  • VORVOR member
    Joy2611 said:
    VOR said:
     I never understand why our etiquette based 'need' to give a gift trumps showing respect for someone's wishes! 


    Because giving a gift is not a decision of the giftee but the gifter.  Spending my money on someone is completely up to *my* discretion and not theirs. 


    To a point, but it's clear as much as this topic comes up that people give gifts because they don't want to be the only person who doesn't, or because they were taught "don't show up empty handed", etc.  They may also want to give a gift - but a part of it is absolutely about the expectation that they are supposed to. 
  • VOR said:

    Why did you feel like a schmuck, though?  The parents of the kid were probably HAPPY that at least YOU listened to them.  And I can guarantee you that the other parents weren't taking tally. 

    This is one topic that I never understand why our etiquette based 'need' to give a gift trumps showing respect for someone's wishes! 


    I was raised not to show up empty handed.





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  • VORVOR member
    MrsLee04 said:
    Why did you feel like a schmuck, though?  The parents of the kid were probably HAPPY that at least YOU listened to them.  And I can guarantee you that the other parents weren't taking tally. 

    This is one topic that I never understand why our etiquette based 'need' to give a gift trumps showing respect for someone's wishes! 


    I was raised not to show up empty handed.
    The point of being raised "right" is to become a respectful adult.  If a host asks for no gifts for an event, bringing one anyway isn't respecting their wishes.  Some people throw parties, including birthday, where they truly just want to celebrate the occasion with their loved ones and gifts are not necessary/required/wanted.  I know personally I hate that there are people that feel obligated to spend their money as some kind of entrance fee to a party I may be hosting.

    Yup. I assume people are also raised to respect other people's wishes. I'm not sure why giving a gift out of "not showing up empty handed" trumps this.
  • I say just stop bringing presents, and if someone confronts you about it, say "The BSB told me not to".
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    Delilah Noel
    4/25/14 12:41am



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  • My theory is if you don't want gifts, you shouldn't be throwing gift receiving events. Just have plain ol' parties instead. 
  • cakergirlcakergirl member
    edited March 2014
    I am already stressing about this and we don't even have kids! Gifting is such an awkward topic in our families. In a nutshell, my husband and I are both physicians. We both came from low income families. My parents own a farm and are mostly retired, all their debt paid off etc, but live on a tight limited income. My one sister is a single mom to three young kids whose deadbeat dad does not contribute or participate in their lives, and my other sister is in debt up to her eyeballs (ie they will make plans to go out to dinner then they rifle through their wallets trying to find a CC that's not maxed out to pay their tab). Husbands parents are divorced, his dad is retired, his mom is a mess (declared bankruptcy a few yrs back and still struggles to make ends meet). So it puts us in a tough spot. We've been trying for years to encourage our families to be less "gifty". When they ask what we would like for Christmas gifts we usually say "nothing" or request family time, but that never goes over well and everyone in both our families ends up spending more on us (and all the siblings, grandkids, nieces and nephews) than we know they can afford, and certainly more than we think is necessary. For example, one child may get (all from the same person) multiple outfits, a computer/tablet/portable game system, several toys, books and money for a given holiday or birthday. Multiply that by multiple people and that's a LOT OF STUFF for each Kid. Not to mention a lot of expense for a family member on a limited income. We've tried to hint, suggest, and outright word for word request "no gifts" or setting dollar limits. But they don't want to do that. We had a cousin who requested "no gifts" for her child's first first birthday, which didn't work (request ignored) so the next year they requested "books only" when asked what type of gifts to buy, which went over like a lead balloon. When my nieces and nephews have birthdays we usually get them small gifts (I am sure we are viewed as cheapskates) and instead usually offer things like zoo trips, minor league games, visits to museums because we prefer "experience over stuff". So I'm sure when we do have kids our whole families will continue buying things they can't afford and that we don't want/need. Unfortunately there is no good way to approach it. We are social, we like to celebrate milestones, but society (and our families) cannot separate "celebrating" from "buying stuff for people". Drives me crazy. So if we just choose not to have a party, it sucks because we are missing out on something we enjoy. But if we do have the party and request no gifts people will ignore it anyway. Yet if we donate the gifts we are given we will be viewed as "they think they are too good for us". If each person would buy just 1 simple gift it wouldn't be so bad but when everyone literally buys each kid 10-15 things totally hundreds of dollars each it is crazy. Not to mention our families both still buy gifts for the adults (which I think is insane). Ahh... What. To. Do...?
  • My theory is if you don't want gifts, you shouldn't be throwing gift receiving events. Just have plain ol' parties instead. 
    Easy. You just send out invitations for a regular party. You have a regular party. And at the end, you just bring out a cake and casually mention it was Jr's birthday last thursday and you thought it'd be fun to sing to him.

    As a child, I had this type of 'birthday party' on numerous occasions and it didn't damage me any because there were no gifts involved. I was taught that the party itself was a gift and that I should be grateful for all the friends/family I had that were willing to come out to celebrate and play with me as opposed to material things. 


  • cakergirlcakergirl member
    edited March 2014
    @Hello+Panda‌ ... I have suggested Secret Santa, drawing names, Dirty Santa (everyone brings one gift then draw a number), or at least limiting gifts to kids only, but my ideas are always shot down.... To the OP: As far as birthday parties, I unfortunately don't think, depending on your family & friends you an have much control over what people buy. I think we will probably just err on the side of not having parties or just having a "get-together" without labeling it as a b-day party in hopes that we can celebrate without people feeling obligated to buy gifts. However, most in our family already know everyone's birthdate, so I think they would catch on.
  • eywj said:
    I am already stressing about this and we don't even have kids! Gifting is such an awkward topic in our families. In a nutshell, my husband and I are both physicians. We both came from low income families. My parents own a farm and are mostly retired, all their debt paid off etc, but live on a tight limited income. My one sister is a single mom to three young kids whose deadbeat dad does not contribute or participate in their lives, and my other sister is in debt up to her eyeballs (ie they will make plans to go out to dinner then they rifle through their wallets trying to find a CC that's not maxed out to pay their tab). Husbands parents are divorced, his dad is retired, his mom is a mess (declared bankruptcy a few yrs back and still struggles to make ends meet). So it puts us in a tough spot. We've been trying for years to encourage our families to be less "gifty". When they ask what we would like for Christmas gifts we usually say "nothing" or request family time, but that never goes over well and everyone in both our families ends up spending more on us (and all the siblings, grandkids, nieces and nephews) than we know they can afford, and certainly more than we think is necessary. For example, one child may get (all from the same person) multiple outfits, a computer/tablet/portable game system, several toys, books and money for a given holiday or birthday. Multiply that by multiple people and that's a LOT OF STUFF for each Kid. Not to mention a lot of expense for a family member on a limited income. We've tried to hint, suggest, and outright word for word request "no gifts" or setting dollar limits. But they don't want to do that. We had a cousin who requested "no gifts" for her child's first first birthday, which didn't work (request ignored) so the next year they requested "books only" when asked what type of gifts to buy, which went over like a lead balloon. When my nieces and nephews have birthdays we usually get them small gifts (I am sure we are viewed as cheapskates) and instead usually offer things like zoo trips, minor league games, visits to museums because we prefer "experience over stuff". So I'm sure when we do have kids our whole families will continue buying things they can't afford and that we don't want/need. Unfortunately there is no good way to approach it. We are social, we like to celebrate milestones, but society (and our families) cannot separate "celebrating" from "buying stuff for people". Drives me crazy. So if we just choose not to have a party, it sucks because we are missing out on something we enjoy. But if we do have the party and request no gifts people will ignore it anyway. Yet if we donate the gifts we are given we will be viewed as "they think they are too good for us". If each person would buy just 1 simple gift it wouldn't be so bad but when everyone literally buys each kid 10-15 things totally hundreds of dollars each it is crazy. Not to mention our families both still buy gifts for the adults (which I think is insane). Ahh... What. To. Do...?
    I think what you need to do is back away and let your adult family make their own adult choices.  It's not your job to manipulate them into better money choices, and unless you're supporting them financially, not your business either.  

    My family also way overdoes gifting, and for a while I tried to intervene, but it (a) doesn't work, and (b) isn't my business.  They're gonna do what they're gonna do anyway, so you may as well let them.  In the beginning I felt pressured to rise to their level of over-gifting, but eventually I realized that this is pressure was coming from me, not them, so I was making my own problems and just needed to knock it off. 
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