What would you do?

sblmegrl32

My husband and I finally decided on our 2nd son's name after months of deliberating. We were really excited because it's very hard for us to agree on a name. Also, it goes well with our 1st son's name and it was the name of my husband's best friend growing up. After we decided, my husband texted a few family members the name and one of his sister's texted back that it was the name of someone that raped her in high school. My husband had never heard about this before. He didn't text her back right away, because we were a bit shocked and he didn't know what to say or what we were going to do. Since he didn't text back right away, she called him crying saying that he was ruining her life for not agreeing to change the name. I'm wondering what would you do? Do I have a moral obligation to figure out a different name?

SweetTamale38

The hard side of me says, "Gee, that's for you (SIL) to work out with your counselor!  That name does not mean anything negative to us!"   But of course, I'm not a hard person, so I would probably reach out to her, talk to her about it some more, and consider an alternative if it really seems that it will cause her that much pain.  If she really feels just hearing a name triggers such horrible things that she feels you are ruining her life, and there's no possible way you can convince her to see this as an opportunity to turn the name into a positive meaning for her, you may want to recommend some professional help for her.  It sounds like she has so much to work out still.

I hope you guys can figure it out.

Ylvelill

I agree with pp. Talk to her about it, let her have some time to get used to the idea, think of a back up name in case she just can not get passed it.

In general I would say others just need to get over it if they don't like a name the patents pick, but it is rough when you are dealing with real traumatic events

Perhaps showing that you care about how she feels will help her get her mind into a better place about it.

Shelleybell

wow, that is a very difficult situation. i would probably change the name unfortunately. 

glitterclaws

I would probably change the name. I know names are super hard but being a constant reminder to your SIL when you can avoid it now seems a little cold.

cookieinva

I am not a cold person but it seems to me she has some issues to work out regardless of what you name your child. That's a pretty strong reaction to an event that happened I don't know how long ago and that her brother was completely unaware of. "Ruining her life" by not picking another name seems strong, although I guess I don't know...how old is she? Sounds like she might benefit from counseling.

email2ash

Generally if someone has a negative comment about a name, I say who cares you can't please them all. This is a little more of an extreme case, although I'm surprised your DH's family did not know this. Youay want to find a new name that is not tainted with this painful memory because it is someone you will see a lot. On the other hand maybe it could help her heal and stop associating the rape with the name...

BoraBoraBaby

Wow, that's so unfortunate. I think she's reacting strongly over a name, you're not introducing that exact man back into her life. She probably has to deal with it more, based on her reaction. But I think it would be hard for me to name my child after someone who did something like that to an immediate family member, so as frustrating as it might be to have to go backing to the drawing board, I'm sure you two will be able to find another name. Then, I'd strictly keep it between the two of you until the baby is born.

allardr

I find it very strange that the way she tells her brother she was raped is in a text. And she acts as though it's common knowledge and why would he ever choose that name. Because of the "way" she went about it, I'd probably talk to her but not change the name.

It'd be different if she called/stopped by and said hey I have some tough memory I'd like to share. If she then told what happened and how the name still hurts I'd be more inclined to change it. 

It's just like she dropped a bombshell and expects you to take that in, process it, and change the name you love. Plus I'd push it's time to place new memories with the name and what better way than with an innocent baby. But I suppose first step is just to have a conversation. 

bewilderingstar

Being that I was also assaulted as a young adult, I'd have to say it really depends on the healing of the victim. The name of the assaulter was the same name as my step brother and also a very close friend of mine. I never thought of the assaulter when I called out for my brother or friend. Now, if your child were to have the same first and last name then I'd probably freak out. 

If she isn't over it, then I'd respect her wishes. PTSD is a very serious disorder and some people are unable to get over the triggers. Naming your child with the same name as her assaulter may be a trigger for her. You wouldn't want that for her. If she is this upset about it, then there isn't really anything to talk about. I would respect her wishes and come up with a different name.

July15Mama

I agree that it is a weird way to tell your family you've been raped. However, I would change the name myself. 

pfeilele

I would feel really bad for her, but then again, what would have happened had you not shared the name and she found out once it was set in stone?

I guess I would feel a moral obligation to not use the name, but she definitely needs help if mentioning the name causes such a strong reaction.

AutumnBonfire

I'm going to sound like an insensitive hard ass here, but do you want to have to hear about this from her in relation to your son? I find it strange that she blurted out this news over a text and it sounds like she is going to blow this up into a big deal. Do you want to have to deal with that? Other people will start associating the name with her rapist too if she continues to make a huge stink over it. I'd personally pick a different name.

In all sincerity, I really think she would benefit from some counseling to deal with this issue.

SuperTinkerham

bewilderingstar said:

Being that I was also assaulted as a young adult, I'd have to say it really depends on the healing of the victim. The name of the assaulter was the same name as my step brother and also a very close friend of mine. I never thought of the assaulter when I called out for my brother or friend. Now, if your child were to have the same first and last name then I'd probably freak out. 

If she isn't over it, then I'd respect her wishes. PTSD is a very serious disorder and some people are unable to get over the triggers. Naming your child with the same name as her assaulter may be a trigger for her. You wouldn't want that for her. If she is this upset about it, then there isn't really anything to talk about. I would respect her wishes and come up with a different name.

Piggybacking on this....I definitely would use this as opportunity to see if you can get SIL some help. Obviously this is affecting her very much, so I would definitely reconsider the name and do everything in my power to get her into counseling. I think it is really difficult for us to say how we would react if we were in SIL's shoes. There are certain former people in my life that I would be very unhappy if my sister were to name a baby with the same name. This is an opportunity for healing, and I'd change the name on the condition she start therapy. Hugs to you and to your SIL.

Carly198330

That's a really hard situation and she could of told you in a better way than through text. I think I would change the name but that's because I went through a sexual assult at 18 (now 30) and I still can't say the persons name out loud. But I do know every one is different and maybe talking to her might get some better answers. I Think a counselor would be a brilliant idea something I wished I was stong enough to do. Hope you work through it all together xx

TugboatSheila

You never ever know what a trigger is going to be for someone who was abused until it happens. Your SIL probably didn't even know it would be a trigger until it was staring her in the face.

I would honestly say don't even think about the name right now. Not that naming your child isn't important, it really is and it's a personal decision and I completely understand your dilemma. 

If you guys, potentially the first people she's admitted this to, don't react in a supportive way it could really damage how she moves forward. It's not ever fair that this be placed on any one person's shoulders because you had nothing to do with what happened but it is a really sensitive situation for sure.

I'm not saying you need to think of a new name, but I would just shelve the idea for a bit and try and help your SIL seek counseling and let her know you are there for her. Often the victims feel guilty so she could have been shouldering that blame for what happened this whole time and as an older adult realized it wasn't her fault and it came to a head when she heard his name. I don't know the situation so I'm just thinking of possibilities. 

I hope she gets help she needs and I hope you guys settle on a name (whether it's this one or another) that is personal and fantastic for you both. 

Dream123456778

I would change it. You don't want this coming up at family events. 

Athenanolen

I would change it, not only is it going to make things weird and uncomfortable with family, but my own laws are going through a drama with my FIL best friend from college. They named their first son after him and now that he is in thousands of dollars of trouble it's like they feel they have some obligation to help him even though they hadn't spoken in 15 years. Too many connections

mcvgal

That's a hard situation, I'm really sorry. I would personally pick a new name and try to open the door for counseling for your SIL

ghostof5letters

Can I ask what the name is? I'm just curious about how common it is. 

eortman

I would probably change the name

sblmegrl32

The way she told us is very bizarre and that no one else in the family knew about it for all these years is very strange to me, but I am no expert about these things and don't have personal experience. The name we picked is a common name and I'm sure she's had to deal with it before just not on such a personal level of a close family member. I feel like she can be dramatic and manipulative in other situations in general to get her way. I don't want to turn this into a post about me venting about my sister-in-law though since that's not what it is about. My husband and I both admitted to each other that we don't know if this is actually true what she is saying and wonder if she had a bad experience with someone of the name and is just manipulating us into changing it. It's a hard situation though, because we have to be sensitive in case it did happen.

We're most likely going to end up changing the name, which is what I figured we'd have to end up doing before I wrote the post.

She definitely would benefit from counseling for other issues besides this, so getting help is now probably even more important if this happened too.

Thank you so much for all your advice, it's been very helpful.

cookieinva

Sorry you are in a position where you may have reasons to doubt how true her story is and yet have to err on the side of caution because if even a remote possibility it might be true. We have great trouble coming up with names so I get how it stinks to feel you have to change it under that kind of circumstance.

Skeemer

Quote fail

Yeah OP it's very sad to say but I was also wondering if her story is true. It's just a very very odd way to make an announcement regarding such a traumatic & horrible experience. Do you think it's possible that it's an attention thing since you & DH are having a baby? I truly hope not. As others have said, she needs counseling or therapy. Something is wrong whether her story is accurate or not.

sblmegrl32

I know it's so trivial to change a name compared to such an awful, traumatic event, but I guess it's just the history with her and feeling manipulated before. I'm glad no one called me an insensitive jerk, because I felt like I was being that way for even asking the question to begin with.