NICU Nurse and MIL Rant

babybean82

I am super bothered by what a nurse said today and I don't know how to handle it because now I am the bad guy.

Today DH couldn't go with me to visit Liam so I went alone, the plan for the day was to give him his first bath and then Kangaroo care time, I was really looking forward to my alone time with Liam. But then soon after I got there MIL showed up unannounced. 

If that wasn't bad enough while I was waiting for his normal nurse to come in to help with his bath another nurse I have never met came in to examine him, but she kept calling him a girl until I corrected her, then she asked if I had any questions. I said no but MIL asked when she could hold him and touch him. The nurse told MIL she could actually touch him now and help with diaper changes etc...... I was so pissed! First off the rules we were originally told were that only DH and I could touch him while he was in the incubator and that when he moves to an open air crib DH and I can decide who holds and touches and the nurses will back us up and say it's their rules so we don't have to be the bad guys. I was really happy with that original plan. So when this nurse said that to MIL I had to speak up and say that I wasn't comfortable with that and I would prefer that only DH and I touch him right now, but now I am the bad guy and MIL is not going to believe that those are NICU rules, just that I won't let her touch her grandson. 

JoJoGee

I know it seems like a really shitty thing to do, but you aren't the bad guy here. We, also, did not let anyone hold DD until she was much older (within a week of coming home).

Sounds like that nurse was inexperienced.

abwatts

Oh girl I am so sorry and get it 100%!! My mom is constantly pushing and asked the nurse when she could hold my sons 48 hours after they were born (I hadn't even held them yet). I shot her a look and told her that was not ok... Unfortunately a week later it all blew up and she does not understand or respect the limits we have put in visitations or touching/holding. I AM the bad guy keeping her from her grandsons... But I would rather she feel like that than have that guy wrenching anxiety of her doing something that i am not ready for... My advice? HOLD YOUR GROUND. Have DH talk to her and explain that these are the policies you have come up with and she needs to either respect them or she will not get to visit in the NICU. Grandparents visiting the NICU is a privilege not a right. We had the same plan as you, and while that was not policy for our hospital all he nurses thought we were doing the right thing.. These babies don't need anyone but their parents... There will be plenty of time for grandparents later. Technically your baby should be in your belly still..

We put orders up front that nobody was allowed in unless we were there and communicated that with my mom...she hates it but it's not he call. And I always tell the nurse who us there that day what our policy about touching/holding is for others so they don't say something. My nurses all tell me to let them be the bad guy....I would talk to your charge nurse and let her know that you felt undermined. Nurses should always refer to the parents for those questions.

Bottom line: your baby, your rules. If she can't deal then she can stay home. You have enoug to deal with! And this is true when those babies one home too.. Be strong girl!!!

AmandaFaith

I would be furious!!! My MIL & FIL cams do see our twins for the first time yesterday and I made it very clear to our nurse before they arrived that if they asked to touch them that I'd really like some back-up that now is not the time. Our babies are still in isolettes, but I'm sure I'm going to be even more anxious about it once they are in open cribs. My mom, grandmother, MIL, and FIL are all on a list that allows them to visit without DH and I being there, and I don't really don't think I want anyone touching the twins until after they're released from the NICU. I know we've definitely got some awkward moments in our near future... Thank gosh I'm a SAHM now and can pretty much stand guard over our little ones like a mama bear does.

LucyRicardo3

You are the mother, end of story. Never the bad guy. You are your baby's advocate.
I would have had a serious problem with that nurse and asked the charge nurse to not have her assigned to me again..

Labyrinth3000

I feel for you! My family is very large and I didn't want to spend my precious little NICU time passing my girls around to other people. We told everyone that only parents can hold the babies in the NICU. I can't drive yet so I have to rely on rides to our hospital that's an hour away and the people who drive me don't want to stay very long. Unfortunately, my Mom complained to a nurse about not being able to hold her grandchildren and the nurse said, "why not?" So word got out and I spent my NICU visit today watching the girls be passed around the room. Even when I got to hold them for a bit my Mom couldn't stop poking and prodding at them. I can't wait until I can drive myself so I can be alone with my babies!

babybean82

Labyrinth3000 said:

I feel for you! My family is very large and I didn't want to spend my precious little NICU time passing my girls around to other people. We told everyone that only parents can hold the babies in the NICU. I can't drive yet so I have to rely on rides to our hospital that's an hour away and the people who drive me don't want to stay very long. Unfortunately, my Mom complained to a nurse about not being able to hold her grandchildren and the nurse said, "why not?" So word got out and I spent my NICU visit today watching the girls be passed around the room. Even when I got to hold them for a bit my Mom couldn't stop poking and prodding at them. I can't wait until I can drive myself so I can be alone with my babies!

See this is what bothers me the most, DH and I only get a few hours a day with Liam and I don't want to have to share that precious time with my MIL. It sounds like the nurse at your NICU did the same thing to you by saying "why not". 

I have decided to tell my MIL that even though the hospital would let her start holding him when he moves to an open air crib next week I don't want anyone holding my baby other than DH or I until we bring him home. It's not going to go over well but the way I see it if I had been able to carry him to term she wouldn't have been able to hold him until June anyways.

KTZ17

I was really uncomfortable with the idea of anyone holding DD while she was in the NICU other than me or DH. My MIL would just show up at the hospital at random times and once DD was in the open crib I was really worried she would try to hold her when I wasn't around. I told my favorite nurse my concerns and she said that only parents could give permission for anyone else to hold them, so they wouldn't allow it. But then one day I had to meet DH to look at a house and I left just as my dad was arriving. I told DD's nurse for the day that my MIL was on her way and she was NOT to hold DD, but as I was leaving the nurse handed DD to my dad. I was fine with my dad holding her, but I ran back in and said MIL is on her way in and I don't want her to see my dad holding her and think she can too. I felt guilty, but MIL doesn't speak English and would just play dumb if the nurse told her no. She really uses her inability to speak English to her advantage. So anyway this has gotten really long, but I completely understand where you're coming from.

Labyrinth3000

My hospital does not allow anyone to visit my girls unless my husband or I are present so the idea that anyone could provide any touch time outside of my visitation is a mute point. I only get a handful of hours in the NICU a day and it's frustrating to spend my precious bonding time passing my babies around to two sets of grandparents, sister in law, brother in law, aunts, great grandparents, etc... They all want pictures of themselves holding my babies while I sit in the corner wishing they'd all leave so I can try nursing them. By the time everyone leaves the babies are too tired to nurse or take a bottle and we end up with the feeding tube. I wish they could just wait until the girls are home.

Labyrinth3000

They don't have limited hours for parents. What I meant is the hospital does not allow ANYONE to visit the babies if the parents are not present too. There are no visits outside of the times I can not be there. I'm surprised a hospital would allow extended family to visit without the parents. It's just that my family all tag along with me during visits so I lose a lot of bonding time. My husband has started to kick people out now which has helped a lot.

megs2011

Oh man, I'd be pissed. I'd be super pissed that my MIL (or anyone) showed up unannounced. The rule in our SCN was that only the parents, siblings and grandparents could go into the nursery to see the twins. I was in there once with my mom and she said she really wished she could hold one of the girls. The nurse said that I can allow anyone that is allowed in to hold them if I wanted to. I told the nurse that the only one I'm ok with holding my babies other than DH and I of course, was my mom. They respected that. Thankfully (not for my poor mom though) RSV season started early so only the parents were allowed in for the remainder of their stay. I really liked that I could control who saw and held them. It kept them protected.

ETA: No one was allowed to visit without the parents being there.

Bluebird2318

I'm sorry you are dealing with that and I completely understand. My mom has issues with depression and when DD was born she had just gone off a certain medication. When DH and I decided that we didn't want our guests to have access to the NICU/DD without us being present she took it personally and treated me like I was being disowned. My aunt and grandmother both took her side and suggested that DH and I should "apologize." It was a terrible time. The relationship between my mother and DH has been very strained ever since.

Unfortunately it seems so rare for anyone to be able to grasp the journey you and your husband are going through with your baby, so instead they judge everything based on their own needs. Your MIL needs to understand that this is your baby, your choice. You and your husband are dealing with a very difficult situation (NICU parenting) and you deserve to have it handled in the way that brings you the most comfort. I agree with BostonKisses about mentioning it to the charge nurse. Hopefully something can be done to prevent issues like this in the future. Hugs to you.

xladybassx

I think wife07mom09 made some good points, I hadn't really considered that side of it before. In the end I know we all just want what is best for our babies, and it's probably great if the NICU policy/baby stability/trustworthiness of extended family situation works out for a lot of touch time, but it is different in every case. The bottom line is you are the parents, and you get to decide what you are comfortable with. Our NICU policy was parents could visit anytime, and parents could designate up to four additional people (over 18) to also have that privilege to visit anytime, unaccompanied by us. It was something we had to sign off on, not automatic in any way. As the parents, we could bring in additional visitors (over 18) at any time but only in our presence. No one under 18 was allowed in, unless they were parents of a patient. This was to cut down on the risk of germs. Also, all visitors had to have had the flu and Tdap shots. In our case, we live 1000 miles away from family so while we gave permission for grandparents to visit any time, it wasn't something they were able to do. My parents visited for 3 days and my DH's mom visited for 5. We never brought friends over because it just felt weird. I'm sorry you have to be put in a situation that makes you uncomfortable, and I hope you can implement something that works for you soon.

babybean82

A little update on our situation, I haven't had that nurse back, she was a stand in nurse practitioner because one of the regular ones was on vacation. 

MIL is a different story, she makes comments constantly about when she will get to hold "her baby" it pisses me off but I have learned to just ignore it mostly. We have made the decision that only DH and I are to hold Liam while he is in the NICU because it is hard enough sharing him with each other and neither one of us wants to give up our time with him so someone else can hold him. MIL says she understands but she still constantly makes comments to me about how no one will let her hold "her baby". 

As far as what @wife07mom09 said, I agree that babies need to be held as much as possible but in our case I am there every day for long periods of time and I hold my baby almost constantly, My MIL is just the type of person that if she was told she could kangaroo with him or that grandma could attempt to breastfeed she would take him out of my arms and do it. So I am not okay with her holding him right now, he is my baby not hers and I don't think I should have to share with her.